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How to stay in a relationship when she has feelings for her AP

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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 6:52 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

She has not had any serious consequences for her huge betrayal and still pining for her boyfriend, I suggest you EXPOSE HER with ALL family and close friends WITHOUT WARNING (very important for maximum impact). Full exposure typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate AP and the faster she will come out of the "fog". EXPOSE her TODAY.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8685405
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

but she knows im not going anywhere

At least you acknowledge yourself as a doormat. She knows she can do whatever she wants & you won’t leave. There’s no more advice that can be given to you as long as you keep her as a goddess on a pedestal & scared. You said you are afraid you won’t find someone like her which makes me so incredibly sad because you should! She’s being abusive. You should want someone who is in love with and kind to you.


She says I say one thing and never follow through with it so she said she thinks what I say I don't mean.

Can’t make threats or ultimatums you have no intentions on following through with. WW doesn’t take you seriously. It’s why she laughed in your face.


She says she wont go anywhere and another will I.

She’s in the driver’s seat.

lying look on her face that she had last time and because I said that she has a little smirk each time she said it she eventually ended up laughing, because she said I was watching for her smirking.

It’s dawning on me that this really doesn’t have anything to do with this particular AP. It could’ve been any stooge. Your wife isn’t lying when she says she’s not in love with him, but how he makes her feel. You’re dazzled blind by her. She went and found another admirer & had fun. And she’s currently annoyed because she thought you’d rug sweep it by now. She’s annoyed you keep promising to leave & don’t. She doesn’t see the big deal & wants you to "get over it" or go away & not come back until you do.

p12241342 - what is it you want from your wife at this time?

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8685431
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 8:56 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

I said it, and I'll just briefly say it again:

The best way to bust through and drown out the residual post A buzz, the affair fog, the memories of the affair high is, a strong dose of reality. It has to be fully realized and appreciated what exactly is at stake. If she knows and believes exactly what's at stake and, she adequately values and fears losing what is at stake, she will naturally and willfully reframe these feelings and put them in the proper context and perspective. She will look back at this experience more objectively and see it for what it actually was-pathetic and really nothing special. Just as pathetic as doing rails off the toilet tank at Applebee's.

It's been said the WS's can't just suddenly turn off their feelings for the AP or the feelings experienced from the affair buzz, fog, bubble but, they sure are good at shutting down and compartmentalizing their eternally deep feelings they have/had for their betrothed and their innate maternal/fraternal feelings and instincts they have for their children to accommodate an affair. They do it with incredible efficiency but, not so well in the reverse.

Looking at affairs as an addiction is VERY interesting. Addictions are highly motivating. Watch the meth addict strip high voltage utility poles of their copper cable and steal manhole lids to sell for scrap and buy more meth. If only our WS's could be so motivated to save their marriages and families.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:11 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8685439
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 9:24 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Grey rock time.

Look up the 180 Learn that you will be able to survive and thrive with out her thinking about the other guy.

She "may be" slowly getting out of the affair fog. They affair started over a period of time and will not stop on a dime.

Listen to Bigger and Stevens they know what they are talking about.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8685446
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 10:43 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Do not make the fact that you have children the reason you decide to sentence yourself to a relationship that is humiliating and causes you misery. Co-parenting does work. You have one life and do not have to be a martyr. I rug swept my ex-wife's first two affairs. One was an EA, the second one a PA. I paid a dear price for doing it. I have since become a hardliner regarding reconciliation. Minimally, the cheating partner must show tremendous regret and move heaven and earth to save the relationship. Your WW shows none of that and seems to presently disrespect you.

It simply baffles me how betrayed partners can continue to profess love for the cheating partner after that person did such horrific things. I was enraged and disgusted. While I rug swept the two affairs, my feelings toward my ex-wife were dead and never returned. A lousy MC kept the marriage afloat. Six years later we divorced after a subsequent affair. I am an easy-going guy and I usually give the benefit of the doubt to the other person except in cases of clearly bad behavior that rises to the level of infidelity. I maintained a cordial relationship with my ex-wife for the sake of my son for years, again, giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who wronged me. She subsequently went around unjustifiably badmouthing me to everyone who would listen. I ultimately realized what a fool I have been. Never again. She has played me too many times, but never again.

Don't be a sucker like me. Respect yourself and your life. Your WW is not deserving of your love, so stop it. She is a snake who is infatuated with a POS. Do you think in your wildest imagination that five years from now your wife will be a loving, devoted wife to you? It doesn't sound that way to me. Get angry and file for divorce. If she does a 180 and changes her attitude, fucking lay down the law. Others have laid out what she has to do so I won't repeat it. But you better search your soul over the next several months and honestly decide if you want to hitch the rest of your life to this person who didn't give a shit about you, your children, or the marriage. That is the reality of your relationship. She gave you no thought before she did what she did. Is this the person you want to be with for the rest of your life?

posts: 414   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8685464
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:27 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Hey....I understand your feeling shamed and that somehow her cheating reflects on your manhood or ability to be a husband etc.

Your friends and people that know you (and even people that don't know you) will not think less of you. What they will see is a victim of a dirty nasty betrayal (everyone's worst nightmare). They will see your wife and the OM for who they really are.

Other kids are not going to tease your son. But the OM will be incredibly shamed when exposed. The consequences of adultery are for your wife and the OM to carry (not you).

You will find your real friends reaching out to help you.

Nothing destroys an affair (and the cheater's belief that the affair was harmless) like exposure.

You will feel 100% better by blowing the whistle and taking back your power.
Do not warn your wife in advance or seek her approval (she will strike first and tell people you're crazy).

Don't let them get away with it. One of the few consequences of adultery is public exposure.

Expose to the OM's Ex wife.
Expose to her family and friends.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8685474
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vatoloco ( Member #56680) posted at 12:46 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Robert22205https is right. You must expose the adultery.

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2017   ·   location: argentina
id 8685485
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 1:07 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Your words are all wasted on your wayward wife. You say too much and she says too little in return. Her actions tell you all you need to know. She does not respect or love you.

Pouring your heart out to her however proves to her you are not strong enough to do what must be done. That she will suffer no consequences for her betrayal. Talk is cheap. You will remain in pain and in limbo.

If your wife truly cared for you even one iota, she would not have betrayed you. She will happily continue to string you along.

You do not want to expose the affair. When it eventually comes out you will be seen as a weak man by all for trying to conceal it. Take charge and expose your wife and her AP. Be seen as a man who does not tolerate betrayal. Affairs thrive in secrecy, they die with exposure.

No doubt you fear losing your wife if you take action. Her actions prove you have already lost her. She betrayed you in the worst way possible and gave herself to another man. Not much point in trying to diffuse a bomb after it has already gone off.

You cannot reason with her, seduce her, nice her into reality. By all means continue to try, you will be disappointed with the end result. Your situation requires decisive action, ruthlessness and consequences.

There is a big difference between the woman you think you are married to vs the woman you are actually married to. She has shown you who she really is. Believe her.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8685487
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 1:46 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

I think I jumped the gun with my last post. Your WW is nowhere near undertaking that step where she digs for her "Why"s to be a safe partner. Your WW is barely regretful, nevermind remorseful. The one emotion keeping her seems to be guilt.

Look, if there is anything about women I have learned, it is that they DON'T, they CAN'T, respect weakness. And you are demonstrating weakness right now. I mean, she knows you are unhappy w her efforts, but that is because her efforts have been so half-hearted, and even then she knows you will stay even if it means settling for crumbs.

Compare how she'd react if you told her that you are done. I mean, what woman in the world would possibly lose respect for a man who expects his wife to love him as a woman should love her husband, or he won't stay married. You're right, none worth having.

It's astounding what happens when someone shows a boundart against disrespect. It's astounding how they forget all the ways you weren't perfect. Compare that to now when you're being berated for that time back in 2017 when you didn't pick milk up. The "nicer" you are here, the more faults she will find of you

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8685494
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 2:32 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

The one emotion keeping her seems to be guilt.

Does she though? She says it but then in the next breath tells him to get over it, and annoyed he won’t stop talking about it and finds him to overall be a drag & blames him for being so. OP is running on fear which pushes his WW farther & farther away. He’s refusing to take advice because he’s scared. Someone needs to bump him some threads of others who did the same thing, ran on fear & it wasn’t until they started taking the actual advice they asked for, did things improve or they at least got out of infidelity. I would if I knew them by heart.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8685502
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 2:46 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Well, guilt in the sense that she feels bad about herself and her actions, and she doesn't want to feel bad about herself and her actions. So she is doing the minimum so that she does not feel so bad.

She may also get that a relationship w POSOM could never work.


But WW is not staying out of a burning desire to repair things w OP that's for sure. Nor does she even seem to care all that much for OP. It's all about her really.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8685505
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 3:17 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Ya know I think she only feels bad about herself when OP talks about the affair, it’s why she wants him to stfu about it. Otherwise she wouldn’t feel bad at all. And I may be completely off base, but I don’t think she gives a rat’s tail about POSOM. She cares for him about as much as she does for OP which isn’t very much. IMO she’s truly being honest saying she misses him, but that it’s really missing how he made her feel.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8685512
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 11:59 AM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

She says I say one thing and never follow through with it so she said she thinks what I say I don't mean.

This is the most honest thing she has said in months.


I just hate the situation and I see what you guys are saying but I love her and im really scared of leaving

This is the most honest thing you have said in months.

Sometimes the most difficult admissions are the hardest to change. But that doesn't mean that it can be ignored. You have the ability to stay married to her--be quiet, stay in your lane, and accept what you have right now. And, if she does ever seek out other men's attention, repeat the above steps. This way, you can stay married. Sounds pretty good, huh?

Or........

You stop making threats. You concentrate on YOU, and emotionally detaching from her to the point that you feel you can't live without her. That's an unhealthy dynamic for anyone to have. Once you detach a little, you may see things in an entirely different light.....like NO ONE HAS CONTROL OVER ANOTHER....unless it is allowed.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8685537
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KnowItAll ( New Member #78982) posted at 12:34 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Bruh, you tell her you wii do this to her , you will do that to her.But after the time comes when you need to do something, you falter and back down. Dude, she thinks you are all talk and no substance. If you want to remain in this relationship out of fear of whether you will find someone else or not, then well all I can say is that you life till now was a smooth sailing ship and at the first view of real life trouble you are faltering apart . Bro, your children themselves will think you are weak at one time when they grow up. Continue what you are doing and it will be a life full of pain and suffering , all because of fear of not finding someone.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2021
id 8685539
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:10 PM on Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Most betrayeds don’t leave b/c they aren’t in love with their cheating spouse.

They leave b/c their cheating spouse is not in love with them. They are tired of the disrespect and the lies and the abuse they put up with.

It’s not the affair that kills a marriage. It’s the behavior after the affair is uncovered that kills any chance of reconciliation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:11 PM, Thursday, August 26th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8685542
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 p12241342 (original poster New Member #79267) posted at 12:47 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

I completely get what everyone is saying and an really do appreciate all the advice.

I understand many of you have bee where I am now and seen that acting like I am will not get me anywhere.

But and there is a big but for me

Im scared shitless

Dont get me wrong the way Its come across is like she has no remorse and at but I think she does.

1. She does see that what she has done is wrong. She does see that she has hurt me and she has hurt my children.
2. She says it was the biggest mistake of her life
3. She tells me she loves me every day
4. She checks in with me daily and asked am I ok. She asks if i'm sure when she knows im not
5. And this is a big one, She takes so much name calling from me. I constantly call her a lier and a cheat. I have called her worse like a cheating Sl@t on the odd occasion which isn't right I know.
6. I keep saying i'm going then i'm staying. I say I can do this then I cant.

She has said she could leave at any point but she doesn't want to. We are both going through so much shit at the moment I see its hard on her to. From the minute I get up to the minute we goto bed I go over the same things in person and on text. I see its not good and I need to move past it but i'm stuck, i'm really stuck.

I think if I do a 180 I will loose her forever.

She told me on Saturday that she does still have feelings for him now nearly one week on she is now trying to say thats the only feeling she has is how he made her happy. She keeps telling me that this isn't happy at the moment but we can get there.

I feel like im just hanging around while she gets the guts to admit what she really thinks of him.

I just feel like we are going around in circles because it feels like im obsessed with him and her. I keep saying she must love him she must think about him all the time and she says im the one that is thinking about him all the time. I just cant get it off my mind and I dont think by leaving that will make it any better for me.

Infact I think if I left that would be it I dont know. She says she wouldn't let me leave but I really just dont know.

I think she wants me but she wont let go of her AP

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8685726
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 1:16 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

I think she wants me but she wont let go of her AP

I believe your WW is close friends with AP's ex-wife correct? Have you investigated on this further? What are the chances that the cause of their divorce involves your WW? Have you thought about it? The affair might have been ongoing for a while and you're clueless about it.

The reason your WW is choosing you right now is because she couldn't open up her relationship with AP, since you have common friends and especially she's close friends with the ex-wife. What would you think people will say if they suddenly divulge their relationship? Yes, people will react negatively. I believe your wife and her AP are biding their time until they get the go ahead to open up their relationship to the public. Until then, you're her ragdoll, she can do whatever she wants. She'll just show you what you need to see. But on the background, or in parallel, AP is giving her the trills while you provide her the home she needs.

Again, I will repeat, your inaction is causing you your pain. Everyday that you don't do anything is another day that you keep on adding up to you pain.

What have you done to make sure that their affair has stopped? She keeps on telling you that she misses her AP. Are you sure that there's no more communication going on between them? They have close proximity towards each other. They can schedule a meetup anytime they want. Would you believe that the affair has stopped?

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685728
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 p12241342 (original poster New Member #79267) posted at 1:38 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Hi beb252

Once again thank you for your the advice and support.

With regards to the question about the AP wife. Im pretty much 99.9% sure that his break up wasn't caused by the situation I find myself in at the moment. His Ex wife left him for another man as she had an affair.

With regards to the question about contact. Thats a different story

Im not sure at all that they aren't still in contact. Most of the contact was done via Whats App and Snap Chat. My wife has removed snap chat, but how easy would it be to re install and delete each day as and when. My wife blocked him on Whats app and removed him from the contacts. However in order for him to be blocked in the phone his number has to remain. She could unblock and re block when ever she likes. I have said about her changing her mobile number and she said that would be ok. But she did also say I could see the snap chat data until last minute and when it come to it she changed her mind.

She could email him from work. She could have a second phone or a second SIM card. There are many ways this could be carrying on.

What I find strange was when she sent him the no contact text she said it went to far and she was trying to make things work with me. His response was it didn't go to far as we both wanted it but I respect your decision. Then she says she hasn't heard from him again. Apart from him trying to call her once on a Monday morning the week after DDay.

That seems strange to me. If he loved het how could he just say ok thats fine good bye and leave it like that

I have said this to my wife and she swears there has been no contact and there wont be. But if I loved some one and they finished with me by text and such a small text I would want more of an explanation

posts: 15   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8685731
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 1:51 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Again, since your first impulse is always not going through divorce and you don't want to lose her then be prepared for more heartache. It's highly likely that the affair is still in progress. The possibility is too high. There's no repercussions. They can just hide their affair for the meantime, while biding their time until they can show it in the open.

I'm sorry but you're treated as a rag all throughout the affair. Until now, you're a rag. Because your wife knows that you won't do anything. Your pain will just keep on adding up everyday. No way out because you don't want to lose her but you already did. I'm pretty sure, in 1-2 years or maybe earlier, your wife will just file for divorce and she'll chose to be with the other guy. Sorry but this is the sad reality you're facing. That's your fate right now, it's inevitable.

I wish you all the best, you need it.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8685734
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 2:08 PM on Friday, August 27th, 2021

Buy a couple of voice activated recorders, Sony ICDPX370. Cover the screen and lights with black tape. Insert cheap ear buds and clip them off to prevent accidental playback. Secure it underneath the drivers seat, but not on the floorboard, with strong velcro or in pocket behind the seat. Put the other one in the house wherever she’s comfortable talking on the phone.

Even if she’s not in contact with him right now she may be talking about the status of the affair with a friend.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8685744
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