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 Gottagetthrough (original poster Member #27325) posted at 3:16 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

Ok. So my marriage is not salvageable. Sad but true. Im thinking to a new relationship.

Ive been embarrassed about this but want opinions.

A year or so ago, wh said that (omg this is WAY TMI.) wh said that during sex, i was "tight" when it started, very tight when i was about to orgasm, and after i orgasm relaxed and was not as tight. He said that after orgasm, he could not finish because i lost that tightness that I had before the big O.

So, i would not orgasm and let him finish. After he finished he would be flacid and go to sleep.

This has also made me self conscious about a new partner.

Im wondering if
1- this is a thing with all women? And men just deal with it?
2- he told me this to make me feel bad to keep me from wanting to pursue a new relationship

Just to add- wh is very well endowed, both length and girth. His meds and poor lifestyle (45, all junk food, no exercise) make him have trouble sustaining an erection though.

posts: 3569   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8683607
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 3:46 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

Your stbx is an ass. He is abusive and he has said anything and everything to you to cut you down. He is so insecure in himself that he cannot have anyone around him feeling confident or comfortable.

So yeah. He said that to be mean.

Just my 0.02 honey but please don't even think or worry about getting into another relationship right now. Get your stbxass out, get divorced, learn to love you again, learn how to love being alone.

Then down the road, once you've healed, you'll find out that decent men don't say abusive shit. Decent guys love without conditions. But you won't find a decent man unless you do your healing work first. And you deserve someone kind ggt.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8683608
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thebighurt ( Member #34722) posted at 5:17 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

Ellie speaks the truth. Pay attention and learn!

Such things should be WAY in your future, after you have learned the things she points out. By then, such thoughts will be long gone from your brain, just as H will be long gone from your M.

BTW, to me, your description points out that he is interested in his and only his satisfaction. It seems exactly calculated to keep you spending too much thought and energy assuring his orgasm for you to enjoy it. Any man (way) in your future who is worthy of you would be just as concerned with what you get out of sex as what he does.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 11:18 AM, August 15th (Sunday)]

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

posts: 4998   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: the Other Side
id 8683624
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WhoTheBleep ( Member #49504) posted at 5:27 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

GGT, your stbx is a weirdo abusive cheater, who can't maintain an erection. I promise you, it has nothing to do with your vagina. What an asshole.

The faster you get away from this guy, the better.

A couple years away from him, and you won't even recognize yourself. I can't wait for that for you.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:27 PM, Sunday, August 15th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4355   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8683627
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 6:46 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

What a selfish jerk your wayward spouse is. That sounds like a consciously evil comment designed to fuck with your head. And to ensure that he gets maximum pleasure and you don’t get any. There is nothing wrong with you or how your Body reacts in sex. When, down the road, you are in another relationship, you will find that you are absolutely perfect with another person. And you have nothing to be self-conscious about your body or your sexual performance or anything else.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4208   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8683643
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster Member #27325) posted at 7:12 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

Not getting into a relationship now… but im just thinking back… unfolding memories and realizing what he was doing.

I just dong think like that. What you see is what u get with me.

posts: 3569   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8683647
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wantnomore ( New Member #71871) posted at 9:10 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

Any man (way) in your future who is worthy of you would be just as concerned with what you get out of sex as what he does.

Damn straight. As I always say, sex is like Chinese food. It isn't over until everybody gets their cookies!

posts: 34   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2019
id 8683664
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster Member #27325) posted at 9:38 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

I guess i really started this to see if medically that could happen? Im going to a pelvic floor physical therapist for diastasis recti, and so i guess technically i could have a medical problem after 3 big babies? They were c sections but i guess i could still have a problem??

posts: 3569   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8683665
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 1:11 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Listen, I have been with a relatively large number of men in my life and I have NEVER heard that once from anyone. Never. Not ever, not once, not even anything like it. If this were a thing, I expect I would know about it by now. It is highly unlikely that this is true and not just some bullshit he spouted to hurt you.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4435   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8683687
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WhoTheBleep ( Member #49504) posted at 1:51 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

I'll take this a step further. Perhaps your vagina feels "bigger" because it's his penis that actually gets smaller after you climax... As in, he is losing his erection, going semi soft.

Psychologically, why does your pleasure coincide with him losing his erection? Asshole indeed! Selfish selfish selfish.

Personal observation: The only time stbx ever wanted me to feel good was in bed. Not because he cared about my pleasure, but because he liked the way it reflected on his mad bedroom skills. Kibbles. Outside the bedroom, he went out of his way to make sure I felt "less than" every minute of every hour of every day.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4355   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8683689
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 2:57 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Your husband is so awful, and I am sure it has totally messed with your head, as was the point of him saying shit like this.


Any man (way) in your future who is worthy of you would be just as concerned with what you get out of sex as what he does.


EXACTLY!!!!!! Once you are healed up and ready to date again, you are going to discover that nearly all men get a lot of validation from making you orgasm, they want to do it, they feel good about the sex and good about themselves. Your husband is NOT NORMAL.

I am divorced from the father of my kids for more than a decade now. I had both kids vaginally and my ex was very well endowed (but awful in bed). Once I started dating again I was with someone smaller (but AMAZING in bed) who had never been with someone that has kids. I asked him directly about how it felt and if it was different, etc. It was something I was self conscience about. He said no, everything was great, etc.

The fact that your husband says you are tight as long as you don't orgasm is just........ I fucking hate your husband. That isn't how vaginas work. He doesn't want you to cum and in addition to that he wants you to SACRIFICE for him to cum. I hate him and I can't wait for you to get away from him and start healing. It is hard to see just how bad someone is when you are dealing with them day in and day out.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8683742
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WarriorPrincess ( Member #51806) posted at 3:26 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Everybody above is exactly right, that was a mean, abusive, busshit thing to say. But let me suggest you talk to your pelvic floor therapist about it. If anyone knows anything about it, he or she does. They will probably tell you the same thing all of us have. But a medical opinion would sure be a great thing to have. Besides, if there is some truth to what he says, the pelvic floor therapist can help you figure it out.

Some boys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest o' the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun
Oh girls, they wanna have fun....
(Cyndi Lauper)

posts: 922   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Indiana Dunes
id 8683752
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster Member #27325) posted at 7:10 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

I have to be honest, the guy is not nice. But the way he said it, was not in a mean way. It was really matter-of-fact. And I’m all messed up on the inside from three gigantic babies. And probably will have to have surgery for my Diastasis next summer, and my pelvic floor therapist is going to check me out the next time she sees me for a organ prolapse. So there might be some validity to his statement.

posts: 3569   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8683794
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

It was really matter-of-fact.


I guarantee he is screwing with you. It's a way to keep you with him because no man would want you. He is the worst.

I don't believe there is validity to this but if you pretend that there is - so what? I have dated several men that had a penis on the smallish side. So what? The sex was good if the guy was a good communicator and cared if it felt good to me.

Question: IF your husband was right - and he isn't - but since we are pretending. Then why doesn't he just go down on you after he gets off?

Answer: He is a sick, abusive asshole.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8683795
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster Member #27325) posted at 10:42 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Question: IF your husband was right - and he isn't - but since we are pretending. Then why doesn't he just go down on you after he gets off?

He doesnt do that.

And its not always him getting off- however, when i finish and he doesnt, its a feeling of how generous he is.

I am vacillating on whether its an actual issue or hes just being an abusive prick. Maybe even both

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:51 PM, Monday, August 16th]

posts: 3569   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8683841
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skeetermooch ( Member #72169) posted at 2:20 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

A woman's vagina does contract during orgasm - so there's tightening - but never in all of my years (and embarrassing high body-count) have I had a man complain that I had an orgasm. Typically this turns them on. And it's not as if your vagina becomes slack after orgasm - what a mean jerk he is to have said this.

My XWS had every excuse in the book as to why he couldn't finish during sex - many of which blamed me - but the truth was he was finishing with hookers and porn multiple times a week. He wasn't about to fess up to the real reason for his dysfunction, so like a pos of shit abuser he figured he'd make me feel deficient.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8683870
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 5:14 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

He doesnt do that.

Just when I thought I couldn't side-eye this dude any harder.

And I don't even really like getting oral all that much. But it just seems like this man has less than negative interest in your pleasure.

And my ex said plenty of mean shit to me in a matter of fact tone that he later confessed as total manipulative bullshit.

Fuck that guy. Wait, DON'T fuck him. Fuck somebody (when you're ready, of course) who will treat you with the respect and consideration that you and your body deserve.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8683890
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Ganondorf ( Member #70843) posted at 8:56 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

As a man:

I've only had 3 sexual partners. During sex you can definitely feel when the area is contracting and relaxing.

Mentally, it's very stimulating to me whenever I've felt my partner contracting, because I equate it to how I feel when I get very aroused and it gets extremely hard.

But I've never, ever, thought it felt bad or less enjoyable when my partner was relaxed. Again, mentally for me, that would mean I did a good job and excite me more.

I'll go ahead and add that I've never “noticed” it relaxed. I might notice the contraction though, and that'll turn me on.

I prefer my partner to go first. Because I'm easier to satisfy. I can usually time mine to theirs, and even if it takes me a little longer, they've always seemed to really enjoy me letting loose. So it's always always always been a more enjoyable experience for me when they orgasm first.

Regarding Erection Quality:

My 2nd partner was brief. Idk even know why it started, but I was very disinterested in sex with her. I would say no, she'd push, and I'd do it just to keep her from arguing with me. Those were some weak erections and bad performances on my part.

I'm very fit, but I had a much harder time with erections when I bulked myself to a very high body fat percentage. As soon as I went back to a healthier weight things became easy again.

Arousal is important. During the waning part of my last relationship, I could say I was hard less often. Less morning wood. I wasn't typically as hard as I remember being. I assumed part of it was me getting older.

The past 2 years I've been single. I typically have had a high sex drive especially at the beginning of my relationships. But I've noticed very little to no sex drive this past year. Again, assumed it's part of getting older.

Then this new woman enters my life and I'm hard like everywhere. Freaking annoying lol. We met at the gym and sometimes go together, and it's incredibly weird to try and hide erections in the gym or when getting ready to do a movement. But it's still tied to my mental state.

If I talk with her less, or perceive something off, that drive diminishes quite a bit.

So, whatever is going wrong with his junk is due to his own mind messing with him.

My ex sort of did the same thing to me FWIW. So I'm a little nervous about sex with my new partner. Originally my ex would be able to orgasm easily with me, and could even have a couple in a row.

Then after a couple of big fights it became harder for her, unless she used a toy and/or porn.

Then that became the only way for her to orgasm. She would say it's her own issues making it hard for her, but she'd also sort of say it was because I wasn't doing this or that well.

So it made sex less enjoyable for me, because it made me feel like I wasn't performing well enough. Even though my past partner enjoyed it, and so did she initially.

After she met her AP she said to me "when we have sex I can orgasm with him". That's stuck with me.

But it is what it is.

I wouldn't worry about he said. Your next partner will be into you, and he'll enjoy being with you. Simple as that.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 9:22 AM, Tuesday, August 17th]

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8683900
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