Thank you all for the replies, I am going to answer everyone.
First, Hey Jana,
I am 20, my SO is 21. We have been together for around 5 months now.
Yes, she did consider we were broken up as well. We have had only one other instance where I wanted to talk to her about breaking up and she blocked me but she didn't block me everywhere so I still managed to talk to her that time and it was fine. This time she blocked me everywhere and I had no way to contact her.
I wanted to give myself closure, because I had a lot of things in my life to deal with. I disabled my chatting accounts, deleted her number and thought I could move on. I was panicking, stressed and couldn't understand what I was doing.
I don't know why I didn't face my emotions, I don't know why I didn't let my feelings set down, i was nervous, panicking, and I did things impulsively without realizing the impact they would have on me, my SO.
Whenever I have been in tough situations in the past, I always made bad decisions, I don't know if my mind stops thinking straight or what is wrong with me. I am much calmer now and I see things better.
I am 20, I should have mentioned in the main post, but I didn't have sex with the other person. I sexted with her. Yes she was helping me financially. Yeah she is older than me.
I didn't find somebody else, I knew this person for a while.
I agree, I was immature, I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I am not in a position to see a counsellor now but I soon hope to have financially stability, so until then I am posting in forums and joining support groups for help.
I am not the kind of person I was that day, I don't know what got into me, but I don't want to make any excuses anymore, I want to change and if she accepts me there's no other thing that would make me more happy, if she doesn't, i'll still go on this journey.
I didn't know what to tell her, I was disgusted and disappointed with myself, I initially made a lot of excuses and reasons but now I am taking full responsibility and going ahead in the path to change.
I agree we might have communication issues. The week before things happened, we had a hard time. I really believe we have a healthy relationship. The connection we share is rare, she is my first love, I know you might say I'll meet a lot more people but I really don't want to be with anyone else. I am not just saying this to get her back, the past 3 days I have been with myself, thinking and this is what I truly feel. I can never walk away from this relationship.
I will go to therapy and counselling once I have the stability to afford to go to regular sessions.
Thank you everyone for your messages, I have no one else to speak to so it means a lot to me.