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Wayward Side :
I cheated on my SO and I fully regret all my actions

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 rebuildingmyself (original poster new member #79226) posted at 6:39 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

I cheated on my SO, she said I shouldn't sugar coat it and my circumstances in life didn't matter and nothing matters and I fully agree. It's plain and clear I cheated. I am remorseful and looking for change.

Here's my story.

Everything was going fine until my exam dates were announced. I got tensed and began to get very stressed, then I began distancing myself from my SO, i don't know why I did it, I think because I didn't want to let out my frustration or anger or stress on her?

We were distant for like a week, then i stirred an argument and an ugly fight broke out, I said some really mean things and she blocked me everywhere.

I thought we were done, and I committed that disgusting act. I slept and woke up on the same day and begged her to take me back, I didn't understand the consequences of what I did. I really expressed how sorry I was for saying those mean things, which I am still sorry for.

But It didn't hit me that i did that heinous act. We got back and things were seeming normal and after a week it hit me, what I had done and I immediately told her, it absolutely destroyed her especially after she thought everything was back to normal.

We've had issues with miscommunication, I thought everything was over and that I would never talk to her again and did that disgusting thing, but then I found a way and won her back but i still fucked up and I lost her again.

There have been circumstances in my life that put me in a bad position and I did it thinking it would help me get out of a large debt. I didn't think and acted impulsively.

I want to change, for the better. Our relationship was really healthy and we were really happy. I have been reading a lot of stuff on the internet. I want to show my girlfriend that I can change.

She also called me out on being an egomaniac, narcissistic and selfish asshole. Which I realize I might have been in our relationship, but I wasn't really aware about it. I got mad at little things and just wanted her to be the same way all the time i guess

I have had a shitty childhood and upbringing, i had no love in me and no love around me and I am fucked up mentally but I thought I didn't bring those things in our relationship but she said I did so I want to change those things about me.

Please show me the way forward

[This message edited by rebuildingmyself at 5:59 AM, August 5th (Thursday)]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2021
id 8680597
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

Hi rebuilding, just curious as to how old you are? Not excusing your cheating at all, but sometimes relationships can be quite messy when we are young.

How long have you and your girlfriend been together? Did she consider that you were broken up as well? Have you guys had those kind of fights with communications blocked afterwards? Why do you think your instinct was to get with someone else immediately rather than to sit with your pain? Do you often try to distract yourself from difficult or painful emotions, rather than face them head-on?

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8680619
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 7:49 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

I am also wondering how old you are? The getting into a fight and blocking somebody everywhere seems like a very immature thing to do. Also you mention the person you had sex with is helping you financially? Did I read that right? Is this person older than you or something?

Did you find somebody else the same day you were blocked? I get the whole thinking you were broken up, but I still question it when people are able to go have sex with another person right after a breakup. I don't feel that's mature behavior.

Are you in a position to be able to see a counselor? It seems like you have a lot to work through here and it may help to talk to somebody who can focus on you and help you navigate it.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1915   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8680626
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:49 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

You are taking the right steps by acknowledging that you need to change. And stop using your past or childhood or anything else as an excuse to cheat.

Get yourself some counseling and learn to think and act in a better way.

Just know there is never a good reason to cheat on someone.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10556   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8680664
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

While this doesn't actually sound like cheating to me if your partner blocked you everywhere and you genuinely thought you were broken up, it does sound like a very unhealthy relationship.

These aren't good communication patterns. When adults have issues, they sit down and talk about them so they can work out the problems. You have to remember that your partner isn't your adversary- they're a human being that you love and care for. And if you don't feel that way anymore? End the relationship rather than take your negative feelings out on them.

Your girlfriend shouldn't be calling you those names regardless of what you've done, and you'll need to learn to manage your emotions so that you don't worry about taking out your negative emotions on her.

I'd recommend individual counseling for you both, so you can learn how to be a better partner and a better person. I wouldn't be investing time and energy into this relationship.

[This message edited by PSTI at 5:26 PM, August 2nd (Monday)]

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 700   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8680692
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 12:15 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

  Moving to General

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8680710
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 rebuildingmyself (original poster new member #79226) posted at 3:00 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Thank you all for the replies, I am going to answer everyone.

First, Hey Jana,

I am 20, my SO is 21. We have been together for around 5 months now.

Yes, she did consider we were broken up as well. We have had only one other instance where I wanted to talk to her about breaking up and she blocked me but she didn't block me everywhere so I still managed to talk to her that time and it was fine. This time she blocked me everywhere and I had no way to contact her.

I wanted to give myself closure, because I had a lot of things in my life to deal with. I disabled my chatting accounts, deleted her number and thought I could move on. I was panicking, stressed and couldn't understand what I was doing.

I don't know why I didn't face my emotions, I don't know why I didn't let my feelings set down, i was nervous, panicking, and I did things impulsively without realizing the impact they would have on me, my SO.

Whenever I have been in tough situations in the past, I always made bad decisions, I don't know if my mind stops thinking straight or what is wrong with me. I am much calmer now and I see things better.

Hey landclark,

I am 20, I should have mentioned in the main post, but I didn't have sex with the other person. I sexted with her. Yes she was helping me financially. Yeah she is older than me.

I didn't find somebody else, I knew this person for a while.

I agree, I was immature, I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I am not in a position to see a counsellor now but I soon hope to have financially stability, so until then I am posting in forums and joining support groups for help.

I am not the kind of person I was that day, I don't know what got into me, but I don't want to make any excuses anymore, I want to change and if she accepts me there's no other thing that would make me more happy, if she doesn't, i'll still go on this journey.

Hey the1stwife,

I didn't know what to tell her, I was disgusted and disappointed with myself, I initially made a lot of excuses and reasons but now I am taking full responsibility and going ahead in the path to change.

Hey PSTI,

I agree we might have communication issues. The week before things happened, we had a hard time. I really believe we have a healthy relationship. The connection we share is rare, she is my first love, I know you might say I'll meet a lot more people but I really don't want to be with anyone else. I am not just saying this to get her back, the past 3 days I have been with myself, thinking and this is what I truly feel. I can never walk away from this relationship.

I will go to therapy and counselling once I have the stability to afford to go to regular sessions.

Thank you everyone for your messages, I have no one else to speak to so it means a lot to me.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2021
id 8680748
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

You are so young. So is she. No matter what, I think you need therapy. This issue is likely to appear again in future relationships. Maybe your parents would help you pay for therapy? I have a son that is 19 and if he asked for help paying for therapy I would do it with no hesitation.

If not, see if you can find someone that takes your insurance or even just see someone once a month or every other week in the beginning.

You are young, I realize your username may have been chosen in a rush, but you don't need REbuilding. You are simply still just building and learning.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8680842
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Also

Yes, she did consider we were broken up as well.

So stop calling yourself a cheater. You didn't cheat. You did something she didn't like while you were broken up. Don't be made to be a villain.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8680843
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landclark ( member #70659) posted at 6:38 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Agree with stubbornft. You are young and if you both considered yourselves single, then you really didn't cheat. Maybe not the healthiest of responses to a breakup, but not cheating.

That said, still doesn't hurt to get insight and guidance from others. You seem to want to learn and grow, and that's a great focus.

She also called me out on being an egomaniac, narcissistic and selfish asshole.

Do you agree with her, or are you letting her say this because you feel guilty? If the latter, then that's also something to work on.

Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 with TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildren
Together 13.5 years, married 12.5 First EA was 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19.

posts: 1915   ·   registered: May. 29th, 2019
id 8680909
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 9:43 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

People in healthy relationships don't call each other names and block each other during an argument.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that right there is why you BOTH need counseling as individuals.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 3 years) & DBF (dating 2 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 700   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8680988
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Apparition ( member #75755) posted at 10:32 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

I've read, but never posted on the Wayward Side.

What you did is not cheating. You've stated that you and she both believed you were broken up. She blocked you from all contact. You decide to go out and meet someone. This is not even abnormal behavior.

You both still have feelings for each other and want to R after a separation. I can relate how her response is to feel hurt that you quickly hooked up after a breaking up with her. Also, not abnormal and worthy of a discussion, perhaps repeated discussions. She can feel cheated on, but facts have to meet reality. Feelings are "valid" in that they may feel very real, but it doesn't mean the feeling matches reality.

But again, not cheating. You were not in a relationship, you did not break any promises, and you did not lie and deceive. Everything I look for to describe cheating isn't present.

Did you break an "unspoken" agreement? Perhaps, if so you two need to voice the unspoken. If you feel like your own ethical code was broke, look it at, and make your course correction.

Good luck, stop being so hard on yourself.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8681013
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 1:11 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

I just wanted to add that I think it's admirable that you want to take responsibility for what happened. That's very mature and speaks well of your character. Just make sure you're not owning what's not yours to own. Good luck moving forward, rebuilding.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8681076
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 rebuildingmyself (original poster new member #79226) posted at 5:40 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Thanks for the replies again.

Hey stubbornft,

Both my parents don't have jobs, I support them financially, so yeah they can't help pay for it.

Seeing someone once a month or every other week is a great idea, I am trying to find local therapists and I will start doing this. Thank you for the suggestion.

I've always felt the way i've grown up is wrong, there was no love around me, my parents always fought, all I've seen is fighting. Every once in a while I breakdown and think to myself that I should have shaped a better me, i think that's where the username came from. But I understand your point. Thank you

Hey again landclark,

I do agree with her, I've had issues with my family and my work that are due to me being egoistic and selfish. I've been working to change these things about me with little success. I hope a therapist can help me better.

Hey PSTI,

I think the circumstances were pretty bad, things got heated and we both were caught up in the moment. I will surely take up therapy.

Hey Apparition,

I do believe my own ethical code was broken, I am not the kind of person who cheats, I don't even use curse words on my SO, cheating is something I would never do.

Thank you for your valuable response, I hope things get better between me and my SO.

Hey again Janagreen,

Thank you for your kind words, my SO is the love of my life. I cannot imagine my life without her. I am going to change for the better and own up to all my mistakes so that I can show her all the love I have which she knows is already all hers. I can love her again, show the same love and affection all over again.

Thank you all for your replies.

[This message edited by rebuildingmyself at 11:56 PM, August 3rd (Tuesday)]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2021
id 8681117
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Both my parents don't have jobs, I support them financially, so yeah they can't help pay for it.

Oh - this is a big problem. Do you live with them? Your parents are not your responsibility.

Your parents are not your responsibility.

Your parents are not your responsibility.

I think therapy would be so good for you. Why don't they have jobs? If they are disabled have they tried to get assistance? Your parents are not your responsibility.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8681243
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:09 PM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

You didn’t cheat. Your girlfriend dumped you and you fucked someone else. She played stupid games and won stupid prizes.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8681324
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 rebuildingmyself (original poster new member #79226) posted at 11:55 AM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

Hey again Stubbornft,

Yes, I live with my parents.

Yeah, I've been trying to go to therapy for a few years now, before the pandemic I attended a session, but then pandemic came and I couldn't afford more sessions because I started making significantly lesser money.

My mom has never had a job, my dad retired early and just refuses to work. It's a really long story but yeah the short version would be he is just not earning money and hasn't been earning for the past few years.

No, they are not disabled.

I don't know if it's the culture where I am from but I can't get myself to abandon them.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2021
id 8681443
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 3:37 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

I understand that you don't want to "abandon" them and I understand that is fully what you feel you would be doing.

You could give them some notice. You could tell them that you are moving out September 30th so they need to figure something else out by then. Or whatever date you feel comfortable with. 20 is very young. If you scrape by taking care of them you will never be able to be financially stable. Your parents should want you to be able to grow and move out and start your life. I want my son to save his money and he is investing some of his money now. I want him to have a cushion to start his life on the right foot.

Therapy can help you with this. You need to understand that they are being unfair to you. I know you have a lot of responsibilities and are an upstanding man and I can gather that means a lot to you. But you are being taken advantage of by your parents. You need boundaries with them. This isn't right.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8681490
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 6:52 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

No stop sign

She also called me out on being an egomaniac, narcissistic and selfish asshole. Which I realize I might have been in our relationship, but I wasn't really aware about it. I got mad at little things and just wanted her to be the same way all the time i guess

Words matter. How we express ourselves is a reflection of how we perceive ourselves and our relationship to the world. I just want to point something from your response.

A quick count on my way too small phone screen has revealed that you use the pronoun I 47 times and me 15 times, making the number of times you use the personal pronoun to be 62 times in a fairly short post. You refer to your BS only 8 times, not counting the times you refer to her with the possessive pronoun, defining her or her response, not as an autonomous individual, but in relationship to you, much like a mirror is not a mirror, but more importantly a reflective surface in which you see yourself.

You also use the modal phrase "might have been" when referring to your negative traits. This is what I call a weasley or wiggly phrase, because it seems to take a position while actually avoiding taking any position at all. By using the modal might, you leave is inverse or antithesis open. It might, but it is quite possible that it might not, so I guess the jury is out on that one. You get all the credit for admitting fault without admitting any. As well, you give yourself an out right after. Since you were unaware of your possible behaviour, you imply that you arent really responsible for it. It's like when Hamlet has wiped out Laertes' entire family, that he apologizes by saying "I have shot my arrow over me neighbor's house" and injured him, essentially a poetic oops daisy. I would look to Yoda for some inspiration on this one, as there is do or not do, there is neither try or might, just is or is not.

Your post, IMHO, reads as someone who is writing for an audience, either the SI community, your BS, or the man you wish you were. It seems like you are not yet self aware, but MIGHT be moving in the right direction. A good IC who specializes in NPD might help, but only if you actually want to explore yourself. If your IC becomes just another audience, it wont help.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 12:59 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8681540
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 rebuildingmyself (original poster new member #79226) posted at 8:40 AM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

I really appreciate your message stubbornft. You're probably one of i mean the only one to feel this way. For some reason none of my parents, family members think like you, they think it's the fate put on me and i just have to live with it apparently, as i have been.

I know they're being unfair, despite all my efforts to make ends meet i'm still given no love. Well, it's a long story, i don't want to get off topic here, if you want to know, i can talk to you about it, so can we talk in direct message maybe?

But yea, I don't think I see myself ever leaving for some reason. i think because they're my parents? Probably

Hey Justsomeguy,

I am not going to lie, I have read your message quite a few times to really understand what you wrote.

I think I fairly understand your point. I said "might have been" because in our 5 month relationship, she has never brought these things up about me, which is why I was unaware. But I tried my best not to bring any of that in our relationship because I really love her, and I don't want to lose her. I have been egoistic in our fights, which is something I am trying to work on. I have been petty as well, but going forward, i don't want to fight with her. I think the fights happened because I didn't communicate properly, which is what i am going to be doing better.

I do take responsibility of being egoistic and I want to work on exploring myself. You mentioned an IC..um who's an IC?

Thank you for your message

posts: 6   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2021
id 8681746
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