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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Fooled again

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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 12:55 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

It a risk, but one thing I’ve learned through this is I’ll be ok regardless of what she does in the future. Her behavior has been a reflection of her, not me. I’ve let her know that I’m going to be fine with our without her. I’ve said if she wants to waste her time and energy lying to me and being in a marriage she doesn’t really want to be in, that really impacts her more than me. I’ll be happily fooled until I find out and then I’ll move on.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8702051
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 1:03 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

OP - It does sound like your wife is taking the steps to amend her wrongs and becoming a safe partner. Be vigilant though!!!

I wish you both best of luck.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8702053
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 1:17 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Legatus,

I'm going to be blunt. Cancel the trip. Period. I don't care how much you want to go or how cool it would be or how much you paid, you need to cancel it as a symbolic act. If you go on the trip, you will show your WW that no matter how difficult the situation is, all she has to do is persevere and you will fold.

Yes, she SEEMS remorseful,because that's what you so desperately want you see, and she has practiced the script. Test it. Cancel the trip and see just how deep that pool of remorse is. You are not fighting battles you are waging a war, and your W isn't the prize. You are fighting for yourself.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1359   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8702056
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 3:42 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Sounds like your WW is taking positive actions and you are feeling connected. Consistency is the key. Hope it continues for you. Trust your judgement on whether you want to take the trip. Make the right decision for you.

[This message edited by fareast at 8:32 AM, December 2nd (Thursday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8702068
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 1:05 AM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

I would strongly STRONGLY advise you cancel the trip, eat the money loss and book a new trip if you really want to take one. It should have been cancelled the minute you asked anyway.

If she is as authentic as you say, she should be completely fine with this and also be fine making sure they know it is her fault that you cannot go, even if you don't choose to share about the affair.

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8702231
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 5:45 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021

It sounds like she's doing everything right so far, and I'm glad for you. I agree with the others in that this trip should be cancelled. Your old marriage is dead and the trip should die with it. If you are in R then book a new trip to continue the R. Her reaction to the cancellation will tell you plenty.

posts: 202   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8702437
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 2:53 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Just and update.

The trip. She did finally cancel the trip. After she cancelled it I decided to rebook it because I discovered I was really looking forward to it. I knew the trip was really important to her and she was going to experience FOMO by missing it. Because of this I suspected she was likely trying to keep things as good as possible between us so the trip would still happen. I reasoned that she might still be holding back on being completely honest (or as honest as she's capable of being) in an attempt to ensure the trip would still happen. It all plays into WW's attempt to control outcomes by deceit. I feel good about rebooking it for a couple reasons. I rebooked it under the pretense of more complete information and I rebooked it for me, not her.

I'm not sure where we are right now in the process or ultimately which direction it will go. I still oscillate between D and R. Actually maybe there's another option that needs to be defined. Like HP (holding pattern). Of the many feeling associated with all of this there has been the feeling of being fooled. Moving forward I'm letting go of being fooled again. Mainly because if I find out a month, a year, or years from now that she is still up to her old tricks, I don't think I will really feel fooled. it's something that I think is likely given the past. If we stay together and this happens again I think I will feel like I went into it with my eyes wide open and she will be the one who is the fool for making foolish decisions. Really, if we didn't have kids I think I would have filed for D. For me my priority are the best interest of the children, myself, and then maybe her. I have a hard time making her a priority because the stuff she did showed me I was way down on her priority list.

I've been tempted the post in the reconciliation forum, but I'm not sure I have really committed to that. I was feeling pretty optimistic for while, but in recent weeks I've had doubts. A week or so ago I found her sitting in her car in the garage texting after she returned from the store. I was triggered and kind of snuck up on her to see who she was texting. She had a big look of surprise when she saw me standing at the window of her car. At the time I was sure I had caught her again. Turns out she was texting our female neighbor about nothing important. I saw he phone screen before she saw me and when she saw me she realized what I was thinking/feeling and handed the phone over. So it was a false alarm, but in the days following I was just more on guard and more withdrawn. I guess resentment is the best word to describe what I was feeling because as long as we are together I will have moments like this even if she never did anything again.

We both remain in IC and I think it's going well. She still comes to some of my IC sessions and I think it's been helpful. Letting my IC interact with my WW gives her a more complete picture and I think it benefits my counseling.

The post nup. It was drafted, revised, reviewed by my wife's attorney, revised slightly, and then signed and notarized. I know there's debate on how actionable these are in court. My attorney and her attorney both said our courts tend to uphold them. I know courts have their own personalities from county to county, so I feel good about it. I think it was a very fair agreement.

Polygraph. I've been dragging my feet on this. She is still on board to take one. I think part of me likes that it's out there as an option. That she knows anything she says could be subject to a polygraph. She claims I know everything now, but we all know I won't ever know everything.

Can anyone relate to recurring fantasies about revenge on the AP? I know the standard canned responses like let karma do it's thing and revenge only eats you up. Still, I think about it often, just ways to mess with his life and make him uncomfortable. Since I don't consciously feel a need for revenge against my wife I have to wonder if I'm transferring the emotion to him instead of to her. Or maybe because I can see that her life hasn't been super fun during this process and I can see her pain I just don't see a need for it. For him I picture a happy go lucky guy who jumped out of the plane, pulled the rip cord, and is smiling as he gently drifts down to safety. The only reason I haven't tried to exact revenge is because I haven't found a way to do it that wouldn't impact me.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8708215
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 4:07 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Legatus,

Now that you have the post-nup signed, you can take your time to determine the best path. I think you should continue IC and monitor your wife's progress. If at some point you determine you cannot make it work and want to divorce, you can always do that on your terms. As long as your wife is making progress, adhering to your boundaries, and your kids are happy, I don't see any problem with that path. Nor is it necessary to do the polygraph unless you believe that would help you understand more and most importantly, heal.

Good luck!

posts: 244   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8708278
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Can anyone relate to recurring fantasies about revenge on the AP?

I only did that for 2 years. At the end of 2 years I concluded that it was impossible to exact revenge without somehow hurting myself while I was at it. My point is that there's nothing wrong with planning, imagining, and fantasizing about revenge - but don't actually do anything that risks hurting yourself.

Yeah, thinking about hurting the ap probably is anger that you really mean to direct at your W. My experience was that the safer I felt about R succeeding, the more anger I felt towards my W.

As for 'holding pattern', Shirley Glass uses the term 'working on the M' - as in: if you haven't decided to D, you might as well work on the M. R is a process of resolving issues, and with a post-nup, you've already started that. The more issues you bring up, the better. If you find yourselves resolving issues, it's positive for R. If you don't resolve them, that's probably a pretty good indicator that D is a better bet for you.

The thing is: D/R is a major decision, one that will probably affect decades of your life, and often it takes quite some time to decide which you want to choose. Using this time to test the waters for R is probably going to help your healing. Gathering more info, and using that info in making your decision isn't limbo, IMO; it's an important part of good decision-making.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:02 PM, Friday, January 7th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8708373
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WishidleftHer ( member #78703) posted at 8:49 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I had thoughts about getting revenge on my AP, but I was beaten to the punch. Since the A took place at their work and it was the assistant manager that caught them, he was fired and lost everything. His job, his retirement and worst of all his insurance. Since his BW was pregnant, I can only imagine how she took it.
I never did hear what happened to him, but I can imagine. grin

Me: BH 72. Her: WW 67 Dday over 35 years ago and still feels like yesterday.

posts: 62   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8708391
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 7:10 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Is it possible that your WW canceled the trip in a symbolic act of contrition, while betting that you would rebook? Remember, the people that are close to use know our default behaviors because we have conditioned them to be familiar with them.

I'm not saying your WW is some machiavellian genius, but she is manipulative and desires control as I recall. Early on in my futile attempt at R, I saw what I so desperately wanted to see. It's hard to step back and always see our waywards for who they are and not who we hope they should be. Be careful and protect yourself.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1359   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8708735
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:07 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

Hey legatus, I lost track of this thread due to my own issues and apologize: it sounds like she finally admitted to sex but is sticking to the "just once" story?

I'm asking In part because my WW claims just once and it has been one of the main sticking points for us. And my WW’s affair was shorter and it still doesn't seem plausible.

The progression of your story makes me think that the skepticism meter for WS should just be a LOT higher here on SI. Too many posters seem to take WS claims at face value and make too many BS doubt their gut.

Anyway sounds like things are improving somewhat and I'm glad to hear it!

PS is your WW still feeling stifled by the overweening Burkean philosophy of West Michigan? 😎

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:41 PM, Sunday, January 9th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4598   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8708767
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:41 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Bump

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8765367
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Someone messaged me for an update so I thought I would post here. I want to thank everyone who took time to read and respond to this post. It really helped guide me through the experience and I learned a lot of lessons that I still rely on today.

My wife and I are in reconciliation. It hasn't been easy. I am a big believer in trusting ones gut and mine hasn't sensed anything off for a long time. I do still have panic attack like moments where I worry she might still be fooling me, but they pass. I think that is a normal worry to have.

She has consistently made every effort to create an environment that is safe for reconciliation. I haven't discovered any lies for a long time now. The trickle truth appears to be over. I like to read new posts in the Just found out forum. Mainly because it reminds me of the the way my wife used to act and I can compare that to the way she acts now. I find a lot of comfort in seeing how different things are.

So, what is she doing?
-Continues to take responsibility for her decision without shifting the blame to me.

-Continues to answer any question I have without being defensive, even though many of the questions have been asked over and over. I don't ask a lot of questions these days.

-She has been in IC and has really started to understand herself. For a long time she couldn't explain her decision making in a way I could understand. She's able to now. I still don't like what I hear because those decisions hurt me, but it's helped me to understand her. It's helped me understand the affair had really nothing to do with me or what I did or didn't do. Things about the timeline that didn't make sense before are making more sense as I understand her better.

-She has maintained the new boundaries we established and has not tried to renegotiate or try to slowly erode them away. She seems sincere when she says they are important to her because they help keep our marriage protected.

-Sex life has been great and consistent.

-We talk about the future in a meaningful way and both get excited about it.

-We are vulnerable to each other when discussing our feelings.

-We are still in IC and MC.

-Still have not done a polygraph but she is still on board to do one.

-She gives me immediate access to devices and I have all her passwords. I rarely look at stuff anymore.

-She recognizes and anticipates my triggers and responds in a caring way without being defensive.

-We both see our relationship and special again and that can be seen in our actions and words.

I still worry that something might happen in the future. I can accept that though knowing that I have grown a lot over the past 5 years. Reconciliation is a risk. I know that if something happens I will be able to walk away from the relationship immediately and that I will be ok. I find a lot of piece in that. So for now I'm trying to enjoy my marriage again and let it be a source of enrichment.

I tried to anticipate any questions, but feel free to ask anything I missed. Thanks again for all the help over the years.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8765416
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 5:55 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Legatus,

I would suggest getting the polygraph now while your WW is still close in time to the affair.

Otherwise you risk trickle truth falling out 5 or 10 years from now.

posts: 1232   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8765424
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 5:58 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Thanks for sharing this positive update. Very happy for you. Thanks for sharing how your R is proceeding and what actions she is doing. Helpful for others.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8765429
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WonderingGhost ( new member #81060) posted at 9:11 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Wishing you the best

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 4:05 PM, Thursday, November 17th]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8765461
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 9:26 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

It’s good to hear that it seems important to her to create an environment in which your healing process can occur. That is important.

I hope she continues to work in IC for a long time. That is something she should need for a while.

Do you ever attend her IC sessions like she does yours. I think that would be helpful to do every now and then.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3471   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8765463
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:28 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

What Survrus said.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765496
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 12:38 AM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

Really glad to hear things are going well. You never know, but the probability of another transgression at this point is probably pretty low. She knows how close she was to losing it all, and my guess is she is smart enough not to risk everything again.

I think their are a lot of different things that lead someone into an affair. A lot of time the cheater is just broken, and the affair partner could have been anyone. These are the most dangerous as the cheater is just plain broken and the chance of a repeat is very high.

The others are kind of a perfect storm where they are vulnerable and someone comes along and preys upon that. I’m convinced that of my EX wasn’t looking for an affair, but was vulnerable and a predator saw that and did what he had done beige and groomed her to do something that was completely against her nature. I’m still convinced my EX would have never cheated again.

The same is true here. She was attached to this guy and it took years to develop. I highly doubt that she would be a repeat offender.
Your big issue is this guy and if he ever starts to contact her. I’m hoping you have her locked down like Fort Knox as least as it pertains to him.

You are a good man. I ran through your posts quickly. What you put up with is nothing short of having you nominated for sainthood. I hope she is kissing your ass every dat

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1932   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8765498
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