Legatus, I haven't commented on your story/thread in a while, so forgive me if I get some of the details incorrect. But the gist of it is this was a multi-year relationship she had with this man, under your nose, where she ignored, derided, denied, lied about your concerns and protests about her relationship with this man, correct?
with that in mind, you should take the approach that anything she tells you is lying/minimizing/sugar-coating. If you have this mindset, you will be correct or closer to the truth than if you try to figure out how to accept her explanations and fit them into some puzzle that looks like something anyone would really do in any kind of reasonable real-life scenario.
I really do think she considered him close friend in her mind leading up to that weekend.
A close friend who she was having a totally boundary-crossing, probably physical, and honestly, probably sexual/sexualized relationship already.
I wouldn't focus on that weekend as "the event", just a highlight really. This thing went on for years.
I think she fooled herself a bit into ignoring all the signs that it had become something more.
I'd be very surprised if she put much thought into it. She didn't care. She was into him. She didn't care about you.
She says the morning after the dead they talked about it. He was pushing for an ongoing PA, but she states that she regretted it and told him it can never happen again.
She may have said it, but it is most likely bullshit. The relationship carried on, did it not? And the denials and gaslighting?
Also, ditch the passive language: "It happened". No, she did it with him. She created the conditions, went to go see him, made sure you weren't there. No it did not "just happen".
She says in her mind if they never did it again they could pretend that it never happened and resume their status as just friends. She now admits and understands how ridiculous that was.
Okay. They did it again. And again. The only reason she is admitting anything is because you are no longer accepting her utter bullshit (Though still accepting some bullshit).
She said her plan was to never leave me. She thought that if he was categorized as a friend she could have me and him. She now talks openly about how ridiculous that sounds. Obviously I have doubts about her story.
Of course she didn't plan to leave you! Her plan was fuck-buddy him, safe provider you, and you just deal with it.
It's ridiculous if you allow it.
Was there a plan to continue the PA?
Not a plan per se. They didn't draw up documents or anything. They just had an years-long ongoing sexual affair.
Was it really the first and only time they had sex?
Was the sex premeditated in a sense where they verbalized having sex when before she came?
Does it matter?
Even if they didn't verbalize it, what else do you need besides they did everything to create the conditions for sex?
And please remind me, wasn't there lingerie she bought that wasn't for you involved?
Did she really say it could never happen again?
Who cares? The relationship continued, and believe me, it happened again.
I know she was pretty drunk when it happened based on how much she reported she drank, and she is a light weight.
She is aware that she is a light weight, correct? The drinking was done purposefully to lower inhibitions.
Think of it like this: What if you had a secret girlfriend who you planned a romantic getaway with, then you fucked her. Then came back to your wife and said - "but I was drinking!" as if the drinking was somehow the linchpin of the activity.
No, the entire event is the problem, the drinking is just a piece of it.
Alcohol does tear down boundaries. Maybe she drank so much knowing that was the only way she could move forward with sex which she clearly wanted.
It's fun to drink and fuck.
If you assume less innocence, you'll be a lot closer to the truth.
[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:56 PM, Friday, October 15th]