Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 12:45 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Lurkster- she still maintains they used a condom. That will be a poly question because I feel like I’m the heat of passion one wouldn’t be used. Anything’s possible I guess.

The birth control- I found the birth control prescription after she got home from the trip in 2017. When I was in full search mode. None of the pills had been taken when I found them. She recently told me she got those 6 months before the trip to combat excessive bleeding during her period. I looked at our medical claims history and based on the medical codes her story seems to be legit.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8688681
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 12:48 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Good advice everyone. That’s why I keep coming back to this forum. Thanks.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8688682
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:52 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

She's been torturing you for 4 years and was aware of the pain she causes before but she didn't care.

In that case, it's even worse if they had sex once, because it means she did it even though she knew all your doubts and discomforts. If you hadn't had any doubts, we could assume that she did it without seeing any danger at least, and that she didn't think it would show up. But we know how you insisted on the subject and how she made an effort to hide it. Moreover, she did not choose to leave it in the past, but continued her A with him. She resisted until the last second.

And now she is extremely remorseful and honest. Is she?

She read Shirley Glass and suddenly realized the pain she caused you, she regretted it deeply and decided to be honest.

I wouldn't be so optimistic.

She realized that she had come to the end of the road and that there was no other way out. She had to be honest if that can be called honesty.

For 4 years, she did nothing for you that she didn't have to. And still nothing has changed. And I'm sorry, but there is no way for you to know her sincerity. The polygraph cannot give it either, it can only give the truth, but it cannot confirm her sincerity. And after all, I don't think the truth matters anymore, but how you had to struggle so much to reach it.

Has this personality of hers really changed, has she become an honest and loyal person? If so, good for her, and for her future husband/boyfriend, of course. As long as you stay married to her, you can never be sure.

As you said, it's too late maybe. I don't think a new wedding band will help, you know, it's the same woman and her AP's penis has been touched in places other than the wedding band too. Maybe you need a new woman.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8688683
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Missredd1 ( new member #71874) posted at 2:40 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I understand the exhausting cycle oh so well of feeling suspicious of everything. It’s draining emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I just hope that you make a decision that is in the best interest of yourself because she’s shown that she doesn’t have your best interest in mind when she does things she does so now you have to be the one who does. Deep down you know what decision you have to make even if it is hard for you to take that first step. Good luck and sending good vibes your way!

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Missouri
id 8688695
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:51 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Legatus - how soon do you suppose your WW will bring up going on the trip to Mexico?

Let me see - I really want to go to Mexico so let me play the part to make that happen.

posts: 141   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8688697
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 2:52 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

guvensin - She's been torturing you for 4 years and was aware of the pain she causes before but she didn't care.

That’s really what it’s all about. That’s why I’m filing the maintenance separation regardless of what she does. There isn’t any scenario where I wouldnt follow through with that part of the plan. Like you I think she will shit she bed again down the line. She’s had a really hard time explaining her thought process regarding her communication with him during the last year. But from her actions I can assume she was/is really him and didn’t care about the impacts on me at all.

That being said, I don’t mind hanging around to see where this goes, although I’m not optimistic. I won’t be wasting another year or years, I'm going to start focusing on me and my life moving forward. I can do that regardless of my living arrangement or marital status. That way I’m not wasting years regardless of her behavior. I don’t plan on dating or hooking up with booty calls. Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth and I won’t do that as long as I’m legally married.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8688698
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 3:01 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Dude67- she still insists the trip is going to happen. I already cancelled our childcare for the trip (my mom). So, I’m not going. To be clear, this is a trip to celebrate her 45th birthday and her friends (female friend) 40th. It’s been in the works for years. I don’t think she cares if I don’t go except it raises a big question for the other couples. One of the husbands has been brought up to speed on what’s happening. I don’t think it’s going to play well for her to go solo on the trip with some or all of them knowing why I’m not there.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8688699
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 3:21 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Legatus,

I don’t think she cares if I don’t go except it raises a big question for the other couples.

Wow. Just wow. This is exactly the kind of attitude that convinces me she is NOT about remorse. Rather, she regrets what she will/could be losing by making the choices she made. If she truly cared about you and your pain, she would understand the trip could not and should not occur. She really needs to be going to an IC that specializes in infidelity and will call her out on her bullshit. Otherwise, she has no chance to turn herself around...

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8688700
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:40 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

It’s been in the works for years. I don’t think she cares if I don’t go except it raises a big question for the other couples.

If your marriage is to be saved at this late date your M needs to be her highest priority. The fact that she is determined to go even without you is directly counter to that. I hope you see that and continue on with your only path out of the mess of her making.

posts: 764   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8688703
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Katieing ( new member #72290) posted at 3:59 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I am Mentally saddened and exhausted following your efforts from my sideline. She seems to not realize she has a husband with the patience of Job. And of course I think we all try a little harder when kids are involved. As an older person in this forum (married 36 years he cheated years 30_33 j who knows probably more, never trust a pilot at least not with your vows but hopefully your flight), I would say as others have, please do not spend your life in a back and forth, daisy picker "she loves me she loves me not etc.) as others have said life is short; move on. I won’t say once a cheater always a cheater even though that’s how I feel about my husband but it seems the writing is on the wall sadly for you and you sound like a good guy, you sound very resourceful but really ? Should you have to be a detective to have a good marriage? It just eats you up.like the song says don’t worry, be happy" yea easier said than done. Just remember you’re a really good person trying to do the right thing so think about it all and I think you won’t be continuing down this same path.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Florida
id 8688707
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:01 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

One of the husbands has been brought up to speed on what’s happening. I don’t think it’s going to play well for her to go solo on the trip with some or all of them knowing why I’m not there.

Actions speak louder than words. If she goes without you it’s still all about her.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8688708
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:48 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

There is a lot here to address. But for now let me say these two things.

First you are doing very well under difficult circumstances. As much as you can you should feel proud how you have handled things during this terrible trauma.

And second, if it were me, I’d have divorce papers ready for her return if she decides to go on this trip without you. It is one of the most insensitive things I’ve heard from a discovered wayward.

It’s up to you if you tell her that will be the result of her leaving for the trip. But I’d have my lawyer ready to have her served upon the return.

I have no patience for Waywards that claim they are remorseful and then do something completely selfish.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:49 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3199   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8688713
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 11:51 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

No. Don't hand her the papers upon her return.
Before she goes ask her "So, you're really going on this trip?" If she still answers "Yes" that is when you hand them to her. "You're going to need these then."

posts: 4   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8688727
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:50 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I totally agree with the responses re my Mexico question. D papers should be served upon return.

I don’t sense much if any anger from you about the fact that your WW had sex with the POS. You mentioned mind movies when you recently had sex with your WW, but that’s about it.

I realize you had mentioned earlier that you had assumed sex, so it wasn’t a shock. However, IMO your mind might be clouded by your happiness that after four years your WW is finally getting it.

Your WW pursued a loving relationship with another man for four years culminating in her grand plan to have sex with him. Along the way you were treated like garbage. Now your WW all of a sudden seems to want you back and you want to see where this goes?

I’m sorry but I feel that in your desperation to save your marriage you’re on a road that will ultimately culminate in unhappiness. You will soon get to the rage and anger stage, wonder why you stayed with her, and then find yourself either stuck or divorcing in a few years.

This is how this usually plays out. This wasn’t a couple of month thing. This was a four year affair culminating in premeditated pretty darn good sex. What kind of person would treat someone like this for four years.

This is who you are married to. You can separate finances all you want. It doesn’t change who she is, and always will be. You will always be second best. She wanted the POS, not her husband. That’s a tough pill to swallow in opinion.

I’m not against R, but if your WW goes on this trip she should be served upon return, plain and simple. Her birthday, her friends birthday, and her other friends are more important than you. The POS was more important than you. Please see her for who she is.

posts: 141   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8688732
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 1:55 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I suggest you share your proposed questions for the polygraph test.
The wording of each question is very (VERY) important.
And there's a lot of experience to tap into.

posts: 2420   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8688743
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elKAPPYtan ( member #72085) posted at 5:09 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Legatus

Read your story, it was hard as it reminded me of my situation. I have been asking for a timeline for almost 2 years. It was impossible for me to read this and not think of exactly why my WW has been refusing to sit down and write it all down. I'm in MI too.

I got nothing to add really, just shocking how familiar this all sounds. Best of luck to you going forward.

Me: 36 STBXWW: 36 DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 159   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8688778
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 5:28 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Dude67 - I have a lot of emotions caused by them having sex. If it were just the sex, like a one night stand I would likely be focusing on it more.

Instead I’ve been focusing on her behavior since she came home from the sex weekend of 2017. That’s when I really knew something was up and was going crazy with investigations and accusations. I think she had an idea of what the impact of her behavior would be on me prior to me starting to be aware of it. She knew I would be angry or hurt if I found out. She knew it could result in divorce.

Once she got home though, she got to see how it impacted me. Over the past four years she’s witnessed many night when I could not sleep all night long, she saw my tears, experienced my heartache…. Once she knew the extent and overwhelming emotional impact it had on me, she should have stopped her behavior if she cared about me.

She’s communicated with him as recently as May of this year fully knowing what the impact would be for me if/when I found out. Whatever the pull was, that won out and prompted her to resume communication, it was more important than any pain I might experience. She said in an message to the AP in November 2020 she was worried I would find the messages and how anxious she felt about it. She said something like "If he found out, my life as I know it would be over, and I’m not sure what that would look like right now". We were all at home because of covid. There’s a lot of information in that sentence.

1) no mention or concern to what me discovering it would do to me emotionally.

2) I think it supports the idea of her playing me to maintain the status quo.

3) I think it also conveys to the AP how important he is to her since she’s willing to take such risks just to chat with him.

So, she talks a good game right now saying I love you, I want only you in my life, the AP was a mistake and I see that now, we can be great together, we were meant for each other…. It just doesn’t match up with her talking negatively about me to the AP 5 months prior.

She has said that during this most recent communication period oct 2020 to May 2021 she did t get a good feeling from talking to him. She said he seemed withdrawn and it felt empty. It was t like before. I think it’s likely he figured out she was more work and risk than she was worth. I think the realization she claims she had in May where she said she realized how much she hurt me had more to do with the affair fizzling out. With no better options she came back to me. But not out of love for me, not out of consideration of me feeling, she did it for her. That’s what I’m most angry about. The sex is just a symptom of her not giving a crap about me.

[This message edited by Legatus at 5:31 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8688782
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

elKAPPYtan - I know, it’s amazing how they all seem to use the same playbook. They must have secret meetings. To be honest the timeline has really only confirmed what I suspected already. She doesn’t care about me. The value in the timeline for me was me knowing I was right about pretty much everything and I’m not crazy or paranoid.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8688784
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 5:45 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Legatus,

I think the realization she claims she had in May where she said she realized how much she hurt me had more to do with the affair fizzling out. With no better options she came back to me. But not out of love for me, not out of consideration of me feeling, she did it for her. That’s what I’m most angry about. The sex is just a symptom of her not giving a crap about me.

I think you've nailed it. She understood how uncomfortable and upset you were for years and kept choosing him over you and the family. Once he is no longer an option, you are simply Plan B.

A few weeks ago, you posed as your wife in e-mail communications with the OM. Did you continue those conversations and get any useful intelligence? Is the OM still withdrawn OR is he interested in re-engaging with your wife? If you can get your wife to sign the financial separation agreement before you engage the OBS, that might be wise. If your wife feels there is any future with the OM, she might get cold feet on a favorable agreement.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8688785
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:48 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Nope, Divorce papers should be served on her way out to her on her trip if its without you. Not when she returns.

Let her have some time to think about her consequences on her trip without you. Ruin that trip for her.

posts: 1169   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8688797
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