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Am I being too mean to WW?

Topic is Sleeping.
question

 ThankYah (original poster New Member #79037) posted at 7:23 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Quick facts:

WW started a childish PA about 3 months ago, she is indecisive.

I started near NC while living in different apartment 1 month ago.

Not married by paper so no proceedings done.

I told her I would only communicate by email about children logistics. She is out of the country now to see her father. She is asking how the children are doing and wants me to send a picture. Now neither of these are technically logistics. She can assume everything is fine with them unless I say so. And when I was sending pics she wouldn’t like the quality of a pic and ask for me to take another.

So to me this is just a consequence of her actions and me following through with what I said. If she wanted a close family where we share she can do the work for that. I hope she wakes up from her fog but I won’t wait forever. The 180 with little communication has had the biggest effect to show her what real life is like without me.

I’m just wondering if I am taking it too far by not simply telling her how the children are doing. I’d like some feedback from anyone,WSs, moms.. Thank you.

WW started PA April 2021
Living in different apartments with hard 180 since June 2021
Healing and seeing how this plays out.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2021
id 8676431
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 7:43 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I told her I would only communicate by email about children logistics.

Her asking for pictures is not just because she needs to see them. She is doing this because it is what a normal family unit does, and keeps things 'normal'. So the short answer is 'No', you are not being petty or spiteful for not communicating. You are trying to EMOTIONALLY DETACH because her actions tell you that you are NOT a family unit.

Only the absolute necessities as it comes to communication. It will pay off greatly for you in the long run.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8676437
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 8:07 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

She can assume everything is fine with them unless I say so. And when I was sending pics she wouldn’t like the quality of a pic and ask for me to take another.


Sounds more of a control thing to me. Just tell them they are fine. Asking to speak or facetime with them would be one thing. Wanting Pictures just seems weird.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8676441
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1girlsmom ( Member #63541) posted at 11:12 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

IMHO, the children are in your care while she left the country.

It is only your responsibility to contact your WW if one of the kids are injured or something life altering has happened to them.

It is no longer your responsibility to exchange niceties or send a "better picture".

If she is that worried then maybe she shouldn't leave & be away from them.

You are not the one that put the martiage in crisis, correct?

Keep up the good work taking care of your kids-she doesn't matter at this point.

I say this because my WH is very very passive aggresive & always has been with me, especially while he was having sex with whores outside our marriage & this sounds SOOOOOOOOO much like something he would do.

Dont be me. You are doing the right thing by doing the 180/NC.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018
id 8676471
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 11:26 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Assuming your kids are young, I would give her a FaceTime schedule. So if they go to bed at 9:00 and there is some free time before bed: “you can FaceTime with the kids Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8-8:30 pm. You call them, if you don’t call you don’t talk”. I would tell her you aren’t sending pics and that you will contact her if something comes up that she needs to know about, otherwise she can assume all is well.

If she were that concerned she wouldn’t have left her kids in another country 🤷🏼‍♀️

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8676475
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:54 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I'm really puzzled by the title of your post. I expected to read about you berating her every moment for being a whore (and maybe I would have agreed that would have been “too mean”). Instead I read you've instituted normal and healthy boundaries for a cheater who can't pull her head out of her ass. Not sure why you have doubts.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:54 PM, July 17th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8676483
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 11:59 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

So like, if she asks you if the children are fine, you don't respond? That to me is petty. You don't have to be in their faces snapping pics all day, but she's their mom, and if she doesn't suck as a mom she probably misses then and worries about them.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8676484
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zebra25 ( Member #29431) posted at 12:07 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I think you should absolutely answer how the children are. You can be matter of fact about it and it doesn't have to be non stop all day.

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to call and send pictures themselves?

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2444   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8676487
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 ThankYah (original poster New Member #79037) posted at 12:53 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Yes, she asks how they are doing and I am not responding. Before I tightened up my communication and she asked this I would just say "fine" every time. Seems silly to even respond with just that. It may be petty. I'm still fresh with resentment so I don't even want to respond and give her that. Frustrating to even worry about this when she doesn't gives a rats about me. Think I'll just stick to what I'm doing and keep myself safe from any kind of manipulation.

WW started PA April 2021
Living in different apartments with hard 180 since June 2021
Healing and seeing how this plays out.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2021
id 8676493
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JanaGreen ( Member #29341) posted at 3:31 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I completely get the pain and hurt of your wife not giving a rat's ass about you. My ex would almost literally step over me on the floor having a panic attack (after mocking me) to go do his frat-boy bullshit at the bars.

However, you guys are coparents, and your kids didn't ask for ANY of this. You do NOT have to respect her as a wife, but if you want to minimize the damage to your kids, you need to respect her as their mom.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across harsh, I'm years out from where you are. But that time has given me perspective. And every choice I make is with my kids first. I think you have to operate that way. It's fine to communicate just kids and finances. But this . . . this is kids. It's relevant.

posts: 9411   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8676506
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 3:33 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Good post from JanaGreen. Also keep in mind that there will be times you need a favor from her when she has the kids. There will for sure be events you want to take them to that fall on her weekend.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8676507
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 3:34 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

While you may not be married have you talked to a lawyer? Sorry if you already mentioned that you did.

You two should have legal custody arrangement with defined check ins. This should include a FaceTime conversation with the kids ever day or two while they are with the other parent.

This way you will know your responsibility as a coparent and what to expect when she has the kids.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8676508
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Seeking2Forgive ( Member #78819) posted at 3:54 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

The 180 is about putting what is good for you first. Hopefully that includes what is good for your children.

You don't owe her any more than a short, simple, honest answer about how they're doing. If the kids are old enough to talk on the phone or Facetime then arrange that with an absolute minimum of interaction from you.

For anything she asks for related to the children just ask yourself, "Is this an effort to drag me into interaction? Is this about giving her power, control, or affirmation? Or is it just honest love or concern for the children?"

Me: 59, BS
Her: 58, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 76   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8676510
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:47 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I hope she wakes up from her fog but I won’t wait forever.

Shes got you on hold deciding whether she wants you or not? For 3 months! Yet you are concerned if you’re mean to her?

She’s not in a fog. You are.

Let her go. Emails kids only are fine but limit them.

You can only be in limbo if you allow it.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8676515
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maxfocs ( New Member #78596) posted at 11:25 AM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I would say that the first and fundamental thing to evaluate is "what would be best for them (children) and in what form" the rest I think is secondary ...

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8676529
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:10 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

I'm with JanaGreen, too.

I hope she wakes up from her fog but I won’t wait forever. The 180 with little communication has had the biggest effect to show her what real life is like without me.

I'm confused.

The 180 is a tool to end a relationship. If you're hoping she'll come crawling back, you have made that unlikely by separating and cutting communications.

I think if I were in her position, I might wake up because of your behavior, but that would include taking steps to make a life for myself.

Everything you've done has told her there's no hope for R ... and there you are ... hoping for her to wake from her fog. You're screwing yourself

At least that how I read your words.

*****

Meanwhile, you're also screwing your kids. My reco is to arrange video calls between kids and their mom.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:12 AM, July 18th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8676543
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 3:34 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

However, you guys are coparents, and your kids didn't ask for ANY of this. You do NOT have to respect her as a wife, but if you want to minimize the damage to your kids, you need to respect her as their mom.

I agree with this too, but I also see his WW, specifically asking for pics of the kids, to be a tool for things being 'normal', and to not feel so bad about her actions. The rules about contact stated by ThankYah were already established---hers is a test of boundaries, IMHO.

And I also agree with sisoon that the 180 is for ThankYah and ThankYah only....not as a tool to have an intended impact on his wife. I wouldn't chase his wife; until she approaches wanting to reconcile while proving she's a candidate, I'd be working in the other direction.....not 'waiting around'.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8676547
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 3:48 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Keep responding with "fine" or "they're good". Obviously she doesn't need a picture of the kids, I'm sure she has plenty. But as others have said, facetime or even a phone call can be put in place. All that requires is a simple schedule for the time being.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8676549
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blahblahblahe ( Member #62231) posted at 3:53 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Your actions are logical and clear. I could not imagine allowing a WW to put me on hold while she carries on with another and expects civility.

The family unit has been disrupted by the WW, she expects the nominal family relationship to continue this is ridiculous.

It is called consequences and reality.

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8676553
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:27 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

The 180 is a tool to end a relationship.

False. The 180 was created by a therapist and is used as a tool for salvaging marriages. It was first outlined and explicated by Michelle Wiener Davis in her bestselling book Divorce Busting. In fact that is where I first encountered it and I implemented it while my WW’s affair was ongoing. It was one of the first things that shook her out of the fog. It is specifically a method for saving marriages if possible. Sisoon, please stop spreading this false trope that the 180 is used to end marriages.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:12 PM, July 18th (Sunday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8676572
Topic is Sleeping.
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