Breathe. It takes time Patty21. Our MC once described the process of recovering from infidelity as being similar to recovering from a broken knee. It takes a long as it takes. You could throw 100 doctors at it, it would still take months. Your husband had his world ripped out from under him. Nothing is the same anymore, nothing. He cannot possibly trust you. But now he also can't trust anyone, because if you would do this to him, and you are supposed to have his back, then anyone could turn on him and betray him. Odds are good that he might blame himself as well, and feel like a sucker for trusting you blindly. So, for now, just give it some time. I know it hurts. I know it is hard. And bear in mind, often infidelity is a deal-breaker no matter what you do moving forward. Expect that.
I'm not familiar with what your husband's abuse towards you was, however, if your life/health is not in danger, then my advice is to drop the convo about his abuse ENTIRELY for now. It's hard to try and love and trust someone when they blew up your world with a nuclear bomb. It's even harder when that person turns around and points a finger at you while you are laying there bleeding from the bomb they dropped on you. From his point of view, the affair was about you and what you need, wanting to reconcile is about you and what you need, wanting to discuss his failures in the marriage is about you and what you need... it's all about you. Constantly. And the last time you felt that way, he got hurt and f'd over. And guess what? It's still about you. About your hurt. About what you need from him. When he looks in your eyes, he doesn't see his own reflection there. And that makes him feel as if you don't care at all.
I'm not trying to point fingers at you here, that's not my intention at all. Rather, I just want to help you to step inside of his head for a moment, to see things from his point of view, and understand that right now, the mere fact that the man hasn't divorced you and written you off as dead is actually him compromising his own health and sanity.
My advice is to continue working on yourself for now. Whether he chooses D or R is inconsequential right now, and at the moment, he has no reason to believe that anything about you is different now than it was when you had the affair. If he stays, you will need to be more emotionally healthy in order for R to occur and succeed to any degree. If he chooses to leave, you need to make sure you don't bring that same brokenness into future relationships. So... it's all about you. Don't ask him to stay. Give him reasons to stay. Show him that you are willing to sacrifice for him, in the same way you sacrificed him for your needs.
The first year of R is constant hell. There are good days and there are bad days, but in truth, you are just swimming in the aftermath of the affair right now. It is much too soon to ask for, or to expect, things to get better.
I will suggest this. Soon after D-day, my wife asked me to separate our finances. Soon after that, she asked for a postnup, giving her the lion's share of the profits from selling our home, and removing me from her 401k, life insurance, etc. She wanted to know that if D was her decision, that it would already be decided on and dealt with. I struggled with that, which I later realized was just me being selfish again, and not making the attempt to sacrifice for my spouse. Now I am glad we did it. It helped her to feel a little safer, and that's the goal, right? To make our betrayed spouses feel safer, and to help them to feel as if we still have a once of care in the world for their well-being?
How about this? Offer him a postnup, one in his favor, with whatever split of assets he is comfortable with. Tell him it's not what you want, but that you'll do this for him so he can take one piece of stress off of his plate. I wish I had offered that to my spouse. I did not, and I was an ass for not doing it. Maybe that will help him to see that you are willing to throw yourself and your own needs under the bus, for his direct welfare. Which is the opposite of selfish. And the opposite of selfishness is what he wants to see in you. Even if things don't work out, the postnup will make things easier in the long run, and you will know exactly where you stand financially, with no fights over property and money. It's a step in the right direction anyway.