Fucking Mondays. Excuse the language. Some of you know but once I found out about my wife's affair we told ourselves we would give it a year. Year will be coming up in December. We still don't talk about the affair unless I bring it up and when I do im not nice about it. I wish she had it in her to actually bring it up for once. But nothing. I wish a lot of things lately and nada.
The real reason why I'm here. I still get the "you are part of the reason why I cheated". Not in those words but she still doesn't take full responsibility for her actions. She goes to IC and apparently I am part of the blame. I wasn't nice so she went looking for nice. Anyway, how the fuck do I let her know that her saying that is not right, or maybe it is. Guess it depends on who you ask. Yes, I was responsible for being an asshole, I accept that but I don't accept her telling me I'm partially to blame for something I didn't even know was going on.
I tell her this is the thing that will make you want to keep your lying and cheating ways. How can you learn from something this major without taking 100 percent of the blame for the affair.
It has been rough for us from the get go. I love her, I always will. I wish she could just stop and really think about it. My head spins daily from this. I read, read, read. I talk to myself more than anyone and that's probably the most painful thing. I try to talk to 2 ICs now and I just don't get anything out of it. I feel like they are just trying to mask my pain and not help me get rid of it.
In the end, regardless of what happens I wish she could just listen for once. Even if we don't make it together, I would still like her to be happy, and not ruin any future relationships.
14 comments posted: Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
Is it fair?
Is it fair that my wife won't talk to me about IC and what her and the counselor talk about?
I tell her that it might take 2-5 years to heal from this shit and she says her counselor says that's not true and she's been doing it for 20 years so she knows.
I got upset.
We talked in the bedroom and we were talking about divorce. How it's better for both of us. It kills me to say and hear that but maybe it's true. Maybe I can become a better person and she can find her one true love. Someone to treat her like she always wanted. The more days that go by the more I feel like she did this to teach me a lesson and to get me to try to be better.
I just feel like her counselor is trying to rugsweep all of this and maybe I'm wrong but not talking about it makes me feel that way.
I have read leave a cheater gain a life. Deep down I really love this woman but maybe this is best for us.
83 comments posted: Wednesday, August 18th, 2021
Vacation and thoughts
Went on a nice minication over the weekend with the family and I had a great time but when I was sitting alone on the beach (while family was swimming) all I could think about was how things would be different if infidelity wasn't in the picture. If you didn't know we were planning on a baby but my wife chose to have an affair in the process and since we have called that off. Looking at all the little kids just tore me apart. Hurt my heart to see that I wasn't going to have that for a while. Hurt to know that having a baby with me wasn't worth it. Its heartbreaking. It's soul crushing. What if I never get to have the family I always wanted. Maybe I just am not good enough indeed.
18 comments posted: Monday, August 9th, 2021
Surviving an Affair-Thoughts
I am currently reading surviving an affair by Dr. Willard...first couple of pages they go into a story about an affair and he ends the paragraph by saying that most marriages face infidelity and that given the right circumstances almost anyone would have an affair. Did I chose the right book to read? WTF.
12 comments posted: Monday, July 26th, 2021
Why did you decide to stay with a cheater. They may have worked really hard to become a safe partner but why stay with someone who betrayed you like that? Kids? I'm often told that having kids together shouldn't be a reason to stay. Love them? You can love someone and let them go ......clearly they didn't love you back or not as much as you so thought. Is it worth it? Is it worth knowing that they did you dirty like that? Is it worth settling.......you shouldn't settle for anything in life, yet why do so many couples stay together after being betrayed. I get that it's your life and you may want to stay together but if the marriage has been destroyed why do you want to stay?
24 comments posted: Thursday, June 24th, 2021
Working from home. Step son has gone to grandma's for the summer. Wife started a new job. Just ranting. Its hard for me to work. It's hard for me to do anything. I feel empty as fuck when I am alone and just go deep into my feelings. Maybe it's because deep down I know that infidelity is something I never thought I could get over. Being lonely like this sucks. Losing 2 people and a dog that I loved because of something that should have never happened just tears me apart. I truly feel empty because of it. Life will never be the same. I wish I had the remote from click and could go back to the simple days. If this isn't hell then I never want to know what hell is like. I never knew how much infidelity affected a person but now I know. Something I wish I never knew. I don't wish it upon my worst enemies (not that I have any). The only peace I get is when I sleep but even then I have nightmares. Everyone here deserves better and I hope no one feels like I do because it's terrible. Rant over.
13 comments posted: Monday, June 14th, 2021
Recon vs divorce
I still haven't 100 percent decided which way to go. I'm in a pickle. Anyway, I was abusive in the past and am currently talking with a counselor and working on that portion and healing from the infidelity. I do talk about the affair in front of my step-son but I don't do this intentionally. He happens to be around when I bring it up and its not right so I do need to fix that. My wife states that I need to try and work with her but right now I don't know if that's what I want. She posts on here as well and everyone is telling her to run from me because of my abuse. The truth is I am working on it and have been better. I still get angry of course because I am in pain and my wife doesn't show me empathy. Ya she is in IC, ya she stopped cheating. But is that enough? I don't feel like she brings herself to the point that she feels how hurt I really am. She can say that she feels shitty and shameful but those are just words. I shouldn't have to make this decision, it's been about 6 months since I found out and I feel like I am being rushed and she just wants to sweep it away. I get more empathy from her son then I do from her. I'm scared to lose him and right now just trying to spend as much time with him as possible.
21 comments posted: Friday, May 21st, 2021
Loving the wayward
How do people do it? How do people still feel in love with someone who broke your heart? Took everything away from you and acted like nothing was ever really going on....I still love my wife but in love?? I'm not sure I can ever get those feelings back. It hurts that I feel that way. I just think what could have been. Maybe it's just me.
12 comments posted: Tuesday, May 11th, 2021
Better than ever
My wife and I have been talking. If you have read my earlier posts you know that there is abuse on my end and her cheating since I was not loving enough..Anyway, she claims that it is possible to have a better marriage in the end even after all of this bullshit. I claim that it's unlikely. So has anyone truly had a better marriage after surviving this? I want to share with her what everyone has to say.
25 comments posted: Tuesday, April 27th, 2021
Anyone else feel bad for there cheating spouse while going through all this bullshit? I can see she is doing her best to try. Maybe just a soft spot for me because I do love her.
18 comments posted: Thursday, April 15th, 2021
Momma wants to know what the hell is going on with my marriage. She knows something is up and I tell her it's between my wife and I. I don't know what to do, I really want to tell my mom but she will be devastated....beyond devastated. I know that much for sure and I don't think she needs that on her plate. Any suggestions or should I just keep it to myself?
13 comments posted: Monday, April 12th, 2021
Wife came back from her first therapy session and she mentioned the therapist partially blamed me for her cheating. I'm just pissed and annoyed. How can I explain this to my wife? How can I show her that this is not right?
12 comments posted: Friday, April 2nd, 2021
Work balance etc.
Back to work for me today. I have been off the last 4 months to deal with this shit sandwich dealt to me. Felt like I have gotten nowhere and really just was down and out the whole time. Tried to spend as much time as possible with my step son not knowing what will happen in the future. My wife has been here to support me but when I am alone it's really hard. I imagine life without them and it's tough. I finally got a hold of a counselor and will be starting next week. I don't have any friends and my brother is the only one who knows what I have been dealing with. I'm scared to talk with my parents about it, I'm still basically lost and dealing with the pain.
Background: Together 8 years. Married for 2 1/2. I was verbally/emotionally abusive (still am making smart ass comments). I was prepared for a baby while buying a new home and what I got was my wife cheating on me. Exactly the opposite of what I wanted and needed in my life.
Maybe this is just me but I also feel bad for my wife. I made her cry many times in the past and just never realized the pain I caused. I do now and it makes me cry. How could I do this to her? I really have been pushing her away and now I feel that pain and what it feels like. It sucks ass. Just needed to get some thoughts out there. I posted prior to this about infidelity prior to having children but have not received much insight as most who are dealing with this have been married a long time.
Wife is starting IC on Friday. It's hard to talk with her even though she says she is here until I tell her otherwise. She has always been very good to me besides this. She has helped with my brothers illness in the past and just a sweet girl. I feel like me treating her with abuse just brought out the devil. I feel like I opened the gates of hell for her. She says she just wants me to treat her with respect and I get it but did she really have to do this? Was me being abusive pushing her towards another person? I know it was her choice, she tells me it was her choice and she can't go back and change that. I love her with all my heart but I'm scared she will not learn from this and I'll be back here with kids. If I leave I lose her and my step son forever.
Rant over. (For now).
28 comments posted: Wednesday, March 31st, 2021
Most of the BS on here have been married for decades. I myself have not and nor do I have any kids of my own (stepson aged 10). Has anyone reconciled prior to having children and lived infidelity free after?
5 comments posted: Thursday, March 25th, 2021
Has anyone actually overcame infidelity and once again is happy? Not just going along each day but someone who is legitimately happy?
17 comments posted: Thursday, February 25th, 2021
3 months post cheating-lost
New here and on a mobile so I apologise for any mistakes. We have been married for 2 years and a relationship for 7 years total. I do not have any kids with her but I have been taking care of her son for the last 7 years.
Wife had an affair starting last summer during covid with a co-worker. We were looking for a home and planning on a baby while this was going on. So a couple of months go by and literally as we are moving into our new home I notice a number on her phone that I did not recognize. I checked phone records and she was texting with this man thousands of times throughout the months. I ask her. She says it's just someone she likes to smoke with during lunch breaks. So I ask for the texts and they were deleted. Of course. So now I know something is up and I ask and ask and ask. She denies denies denies. Eventually she gives in and finally tells me. She said she didn't want to ruin Christmas for me so she was holding back until after. Probably bullshit. Anyway, she said she slept with him one time, and had done other things in the car with him (oral). She said she never kissed him and still stands by it today. I asked her to take a polygraph and she said no problem. I'm lost and don't know what to do. I love this woman and I know she loves me as well. Our problems have really started before marriage. I was and still am verbally abusive and emotionally. When I'm angry I talk shit and go way to far with my comments towards her. I have called her ugly, I have called her fat, I didn't listen to her when she tried talking with me. No, she never wanted to leave me for him and she actually ended the affair by herself. I know the way I treated my wife has pushed her away, I am sorry for that and I have been working on that and really tried to make myself better in that regard. No, I have never hit her and never will. She says she needed someone to listen to her and with work/covid going on I was too busy. Fair enough. But this? Really? She writes me letters daily, says she is here until I decide what to do, she allows me to check her phone, GPS location, she offered to quit her job I said nope since she just got a promotion. she never meant to hurt me. I feel terrible. I feel like me pushing her away was the reason for this, I know I'm not supposed to blame myself but fuckin A. Now I cry everyday, been 3 months of no work, just staying at home and remanising about the good times. We do a lot of family stuff together like hiking, shows, movies, board games, video games. We basically never go out alone so it was hard for me to catch on to her actually cheating. We still had sex almost daily, she was still coming home on time, so I thought things were ok. I just need some support, everyday I fight with myself whether to stay or go. My heart wants me to stay but I always told her that once that line is crossed I'm leaving. I wish I was a better husband and a better man, she always asked me to stop controlling and talking smack. I wish I listened. Biggest regret of my life right now. I don't want to get divorced and that be another regret. I want to give her a chance because she gave me so many I cannot count on my hands. Any thoughts or ideas would be great.
Sorry, forgot to mention I am a male (29) and she is a female (34).
Thanks to all!
40 comments posted: Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021