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Wayward Side :
Nothing I do is good enough. What to do

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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

My husband has stopped talking about the affair in front of our son.we have been talking more and insuring my husband how sorry I am for betraying him in many ways. That I will continue to fight for him, that I will show him how much he means to me,that I in fact do love him,that he is a good husband to still love me through it all. I ask how he is doing after the affair. I know I need to seek therapy which I will this week or next week. I will have insurance. So then money isn't an issue. I even found a new job and have told my husband that I will not seek attention or start any relationship with another male. I have been reading this book called the body keeps score. I have read how to help your partner heal from an affair. I know I have a long road ahead but if I make these steps it will show my husband that in fact I am trying to heal and be there for him. So that he knows it will never happen again. In my reason why. For now it's not good enough for the answers I have came up. I am told I am blame shifting so I need to work on that. I keep everything out in the open so my husband knows what's going on.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8670619
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Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 4:54 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Patty, I think I understand why your BH is underwhelmed by your efforts. In your most recent post you said:

I even found a new job and have told my husband that I will not seek attention or start any relationship with another male.

Really, you won’t seek male attention or start a relationship?!? How gracious of you… If that’s really how you said it to him, I’m surprised he didn’t flip his lid. That you would not do these things should be a given. However, since you have done them before, you should be telling him how you will ensure they do not happen again.

Some examples for you to think about: What boundaries will you put in place with male coworkers? How will you react if one of them tries to breach those boundaries? Why should your BH believe you?

posts: 749   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8670634
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maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 5:24 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

I feel sincere Patty, you will make it / you will make it, together you will see

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8670642
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Oh I wrote that just sharing with you the changes I am making. I tell this to my husband to ensure him that I am keeping my word to build his trust. I keep work only about work.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8670643
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

He doesn't flip out. He helps him see that I am making changes for myself because I messed up and broke trust

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8670645
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 7:01 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

@sandibelredfish I know what I did was wrong. In the field of work I didn't have alot of experience so it was hard to find a job. That's my fault but now that I found a new job I know what changes need to be made of I want my husband to work with me,feel that he can trust me and that I will keep my word. If anyone tries to engage with me and I know it's not appropriate I will tell them that it's not okay and that I'm married. If it doesn't stop I will be telling my husband so he knows what's going on. I am not ever going to keep secrets from my husband. We are suppose to be a team and I need to continue to show that to my husband. he didn't deserve the pain,lies, and for me to give attention to another man. it should have been my husband and that's what I am working on. I know it will take time but I am willing to put in the work

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8670657
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 7:55 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I am close to nine years past d-day and there are still times that my wife doesn’t trust me or has flashbacks or is angry. Your marriage is changed forever. You need to accept that. I mean really deep down accept that.

And my spouse could feel when I was applying pressure to heal quicker or wanted things to get swept under the rug. In my experience there is no rushing this. It takes the time it takes and that might not even be enough. I suggest you start looking at it more from your betrayed viewpoint. This is not easy but I wish you the best.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8677978
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 7:55 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I am close to nine years past d-day and there are still times that my wife doesn’t trust me or has flashbacks or is angry. Your marriage is changed forever. You need to accept that. I mean really deep down accept that.

And my spouse could feel when I was applying pressure to heal quicker or wanted things to get swept under the rug. In my experience there is no rushing this. It takes the time it takes and that might not even be enough. I suggest you start looking at it more from your betrayed viewpoint. This is not easy but I wish you the best.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8677979
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Deleted- double post

[This message edited by Wester1 at 12:15 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8678685
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 6:08 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I have to say I don’t see this like many other people posting here. To me it seems like Patty 21 isn’t doing nearly enough. In fact it seems like she knows what she’s willing to do and doesn’t want any critique or criticism from her husband. Her husband is in pain and still hurting and trying to figure things out and she is still trying to dictate things. Patty, it seems like you are really focused on how he is treating you and that he admitted to abuse. I’m not even sure if what he did was abuse but I am sure that what you did was abuse. You have a whole bunch of people telling you that you were being treated bad that he needs to step up to better etc. etc. and to be honest you may feel right, but this isn’t going to end well for you. I still don’t think you see the damage you have done and that it was your fault. Period good luck

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8678904
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 6:13 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

[This message edited by Wester1 at 12:35 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8678907
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leavingorbit ( member #69680) posted at 6:16 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

He is very angry and to be honest he needs to work this anger out and if it gets a little more on you than it gets a little mud on you. You are the one that brought all of this mud and now you’re complaining because you got a little splash in your face. Were you dumped it over his head.

The problem I see with this is it’s the same script used to justify abusive behavior. Patty’s husband is abusive and was abusive pre-affair. I don’t see how these comments are helpful.

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

posts: 233   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2019
id 8678909
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3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 8:11 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

Does your BS know everything that happened?

Sometimes there is an impasse due to continued trickle truth.

Also, why stay with someone who is abusive? Sometimes having to be held accountable for that answer is….. a growth opportunity. As my sister said, (she’s divorcing an abusive guy) “Well, I picked him.”

Why? And why not leave? What do you get out of staying?

Food for thought- if you “why” was because it was an exit affair and he’s abusive, and then you stay, then that’s NOT your why.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 2:35 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)]

posts: 528   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8679268
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3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

It would also be helpful to understand the context of his verbal abuse to help you consider the likelihood of him changing versus continuing to be abusive.

Specific context for when he called you fat would be helpful, Could you provide this?

(If I was complaining to my husband about how fat I have gotten due to not exercising, and he sighs with exacerbation and says, “You’re fat, then stop eating.”- that is a bit different than if I’m cooking dinner and he comes up to me because he had a bad day at work at calls me a fat whore. Shitty all around, but there seems to be a higher rate of learning his lesson with one…)

Did you ever call him names? I’ve found that name calling tends to be mutual in most couples.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 2:54 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)]

posts: 528   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8679277
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 6:06 PM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

I think you have to do right for the right reasons. First you have to do the right thing because you strive and aim to be better in general. I know firsthand about trying to do right thing to alter your reality or impress your spouse or show your spouse that you’re safe etc. and all those things are with merit, but if you really want change you have to do the right Thing to be a better person Even if it doesn’t get you anything.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8680364
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