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Wayward Side :
Nothing I do is good enough. What to do

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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

My husband doesn't know what he wants at the moment. He tells me he has the right to take whatever time he needs to figure that out. We talk and he gets mad when I don't listen but he asks questions so it sounds like he wants a response. When I share why I cheated he says that I am blaming him. Being selfish of my own needs and that someone took the time to be nice to me and not put me down. It felt good to get that attention without asking for it. I know it was wrong all along I wanted that from my husband. It's hard to work with my husband because if I am not reading or listening to podcasts I am told I am not trying hard enough. At times he pushes me away so its hard to be there. I do apologize but it's not enough. I just feel lost. I am trying to focus on myself when I do I am told I'm being selfish.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8667834
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HowCouldSheDoIt ( member #78431) posted at 8:41 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

I'm a BS who worked through emotional abuse. I never thought I was abusive and I was quite shocked when the MC suggested exploring it.

I will certainly give more detail if OP or Camel finds it useful, but I went through a repair process of starting with MC, moving to IC, working through a book, and putting some actions in place. This was very, very difficult for me to do when still reeling from the trauma of D-Day.

My main point of this reply though, is to compliment the OP because she's a wayward asking for help to fix things. This is something I don't have so I feel you are way ahead of me.

One technique I implemented with my WW (and I can certainly talk more if Camel or Patty21 wants to hear more) is to establish a safe word. If Patty21 is feeling controlled or putdown, say the safe word. Camel is to immediately stop talking and take notice.

I have other suggestions but let me know if you want them and I'll reply.

So Patty21 you deserve a lot of recognition and respect for putting in the effort. Good for you.

Camel as a BS myself I identify very easily with the anger and difficulty. I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 243   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8667837
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 8:48 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

My husband knew that my father wasnt in my life and when I did meet him. He was in and out of my life that really affected me.when he passed away in March 2018 that really put a void in my life. He knew I was treated bad growing up I was molested, controlled, and physical abuse. It started at 10 and didn't stop until I was 18. I had told my mom but she didn't believe it. that really hurt of my mom not being there. one of the reasons I moved and met my bf. I moved to caliandi thought I was in love. Again things changed and he controlled me hit me and didn't have respect for me in any way. I had a child with him and he didn't want anything to do with our son. I felt the pain my son wouldn't have a dad like I did. Then I found my bf who is now my husband things were going well. Then over the years I gained weight. He would call me fat it made me feel so ugly. I decided to change my diet and workout.when we got married. He just wasn't that nice to me and once again felt controlled and just put down alot. So when I met this co worker and he was nice. He didn't put me down and wanted to give me attention. It felt nice to have that feeling from him. I know I was wrong but I had no love or respect for myself because of my past. Which now I am working on so I don't fall in the same pattern. my husband says I blame him. Maybe I am but I am tellt the truth for my why.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8667838
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 9:03 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

When did your husband find out about the cheating?

My husband doesn't know what he wants at the moment.

Me too, pretty normal.

Patty what do you think your husband should be doing/saying? How do you think he should be communicating with you his pain and concerns?

You guys seem to need outside help. Can you get to individual or couples therapy?

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8667842
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HowCouldSheDoIt ( member #78431) posted at 9:16 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

The husband wants a time machine!

If you want advice, mine would be if he asks "why" I would stick to the script like you just did "Because my self respect is very low and I failed you and I failed myself."

When my WW has talked about how the other guy made her feel, it sounded like criticism to me and I wasn't in a good place to be able to hear that.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 243   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8667847
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 11:13 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

@stubbornft my husband found out in the middle of dec. I know my husband feels like shit and he has lost all trust in me or anyone.i have destroyed him. I'm not sure if he will ever heal. I hear how some people who put the work in and it takes years but are able to get through this difficult time in their life. It would be nice if my husband didn't push me away let me show him that I am there and I am sorry for causing him all this pain that should have never happened in the first place. I was going to therapy and he is going too. Just when I explain my why he tells me I need to dig deeper. Or what will I do the next time I feel this way or if he can't fulfill my needs

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8667871
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 11:13 PM on Wednesday, June 16th, 2021

@howcouldshedoit thanks for sharing your thoughts

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8667872
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 9:29 AM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

When I share why I cheated he says that I am blaming him. Being selfish of my own needs and that someone took the time to be nice to me and not put me down. It felt good to get that attention without asking for it.

That's because you ARE blaming him. I spent quite a bit of time in your last thread talking to you about why affairs happen... https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=653725&HL=78432

But weirdly, you didn't want to engage with that. You'd apparently rather continue insisting that you cheated because the OM was nice to you and your BH was not. Frankly, it's lazy thinking which doesn't involve any incite or introspection and it's no wonder to me that your /BH isn't accepting it as an answer. In fact, you should be glad that he still seems to think there's more to it than that, because if/when he DOES accept your answer as all there is, as good as it gets... I think he'll be done with any further attempts at reconciliation, and rightfully so.

As I've said to you before, I'm not trying to be mean to you for the sake of being mean. I'm trying to get through to you so you understand why your R is failing. You are going to HAVE to dig deeper and figure out what is inside of you which make is possible to say "YES!" to cheating and lying. If you can't identify and remediate whatever that it, your BH would be crazy to stay with you.

posts: 4530   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8667924
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 12:42 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

My husband doesn't know what he wants at the moment.

This is very typical and certainly understandable. Is he in IC? I recommend that, as it can be a safe place to work out these sorts of things.

He tells me he has the right to take whatever time he needs to figure that out.

I agree. There is no set timeline on healing for the BS.

Instead of pointing to his verbal and emotional abuse as a "reason" to cheat (which it is not, BTW), how about reframing this in your own mind that the abuse created a climate in which cheating was an attractive option. You still CHOSE the option and you must own that. However bad things were in your marriage, it is not an excuse to cheat. Ever.

Are YOU in IC to work out your whys? I think that would be very beneficial to you, as you appear to have a lot to unpack in terms of your FOO and your current relationship, as well as your choice to cheat. I have a feeling that your WHYs are much more complex than someone being nice to you. Perhaps that is part of the root of your husband's frustration right now--that your whys seem to just scratch the surface and not dive deeper into yourself, your motivations, your vulnerabilities and your view of the world.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32939   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8667937
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:58 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

Just so it's clear,I don't think his past/present abuse excuses her affair,in any way. As I said,I have a difficult time telling a woman who is being abused,(admitted in recent posts by her husband that it IS still happening), that she needs to be vulnerable to him. Or that she needs to submit. He may not be with a safe partner, but nether is she.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:59 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8667944
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

I completely agree with Hellfire. To make a metaphor, it's possible that a house with a strong foundation, well-constructed structure, and durable materials could be rebuilt after someone sets fire to it. But if the house was already on shaky ground and in the process of being devoured by termites, it doesn't matter how much you love the house and all the hopes and dreams you had for decorating it or building a pool... more likely than not, the fire is going to reduce that weak house to unsalvageable rubble.

But if you and Camel aren't ready to pull the plug on your marriage just yet, I strongly advise you to do a trial separation for a finite period of time that you both can agree upon (like 6 months) to really think through whether you want to try to reconcile or get divorced... that way, neither of you is stuck in limbo.

You both have a lot of personal work to do on yourselves and I think that living under the same roof and repeatedly having circular arguments is going to impede that progress, which will ultimately lead to an acrimonious divorce, or perhaps worse... a mutual hostage situation rather than reconciliation.

Perhaps most importantly, this is not a healthy environment for your son. Camel might not be venting about your affair to him anymore, but your son is still living with an unbearable amount of conflict and tension that's likely taking its toll on him mentally and emotionally in ways that might not immediately manifest. Camel chose to be abusive toward you, you chose to cheat on Camel, but your son is completely innocent and doesn't deserve to live with the fallout of choices that he didn't make.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:55 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:55 PM, Thursday, June 17th]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8667953
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gemini12 ( new member #78670) posted at 8:33 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

One thing stands out to me reading all your posts. Unless I totally missed it you never once said you love Camel.

He stated in his post he loved you and your son.

Maybe this would be a good time to separate. Your son is with his grandparents for the summer per Camel's post. You can move both you and your son's belongings without any drama.

You and Camel can continue IC and try to heal without being in each others way.

Being apart could help you both decide how to proceed going forward.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8668031
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 8:50 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

I dove my husband I just didn't post it because my actions that I did. Didn't show that I loved him or had respect for him or my son. I show my husband that I am sorry and that I do love him. I show him in different ways. I love my husband to stay and fix myself so I can be a safe partner one day. I love and respect my husband for staying with me and is doing his best to maybe one day reconcile with me. I think seeing how my husband has been through my side and he does his best to be there for me when I don't deserve it. Has really showed me how much he loves me.that has made my love for him grow stronger. Yes we both have alot to work on but I know we aren't just ready to say goodbye to each other.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8668035
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 8:51 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

I do love,*

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8668036
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 9:32 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

I think you both would benefit from IC and MC with good counselors. The IC for your H is to help him figure out what he wants, resolve his pain, and figure out how to nurture others and not abuse them. My guess is he's in a lot of pain, and much of it predates your relationship.

IC for you to get beneath your blame-shifting to your core issues and to resolve them. That's not meant as criticism. I understand being abused can really mess a person up in very big ways.

MC to figure out where you want your M to go and how to get there. You don't have to R. You don't have to D. It would be really good if you could come to a joint decision, though.

And I agree that you should stay off each other's threads. Most of us open threads to help solve a problem or to vent. It's 'work-in-progress'; it's not where a person will land.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:38 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26037   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8668046
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 10:26 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

Yes we both have alot to work on but I know we aren't just ready to say goodbye to each other.

Then you need marital counseling on top of the individual counseling. If your husband is verbally abusive and you are making him feel blamed, you guys need outside help.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8668054
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, June 18th, 2021

Please stop cross posting information between forums. It's against the Guidelines, and those who continue to do so will lose their access.

Patty has her space here, and her BH has his space. Let's keep them separate.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8668082
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maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 12:03 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Sorry patty 21 how old are you? What is the reason you cheated on your husband? How many years have you been together and how many married? Who was the AP? Did he know him? Did you choose him because he was more attractive and sexy than your husband or just because he gave you things that he does not give you or does not give you anymore?

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8668597
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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 3:15 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

@Maxfocs I am 34 I dated my husband for 5 years and married for 2. The affair happened before out 2 year, I'm still working on my why I cheated on my husband. It was a co worker so my husband didn't know him. I didn't think he was sexier or more attractive. It just was nice having the company of someone listening and not so much putting me down. I didn't have to feel that I wasn't good enough. He pay attention to me and just did things to put a smile on my face. I know what I was doing was wrong but I still went along with it. I have been reading more and working on ways to be there for my husband and to show him. I love him and will do anything to repair the pain I have caused him

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8670519
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maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 12:54 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Hi Patty, I guess from what you wrote previously, that there is a problem on your husband's part towards you, under the aspect of esteem and consideration. Of course it is never a good excuse to cheat (none are) but I can certainly understand that when you find an (apparent) oasis of understanding and consideration that is missing in your home, it is easy to be tempted. Right now your husband is struck with masculinity in pride and confidence and is probably accentuating on you what was previously there. His behavior in front of his children was very wrong and you must be clear about this, very clear. For the rest it takes patience Patty, He feels that you are truly repentant and that you are a good woman, he knows it too and he will not let you go. He will make you pay a price for his pride and if you are patient enough you will overcome everything. Best wishes Patty

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8670584
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