Want to chime in that you are doing great.
As I read the thread, I thought of suggesting the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. IMO, it's a great primer on infidelity. And a short read. I thought it may be helpful bc I believe it has a chapter on confronting (tho I may be confusing it with "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, which is a MUCH more in depth book on infidelity). In any event, both are, IMHO, good books and you may still find them helpful.
As to the "crazy" stuff a BS does after discovering their partner's A, an excellent book that describes that "trauma response" is "Cheating in a Nutshell". HOWEVER - be aware that this book is downright anti-reconciliation IMO. There is a thread about the book in the Book Club Forum on SI, that you can read to see if you think it would be helpful. It was very helpful to me to have the specific reactions to the TRAUMA of infidelity laid out.
Another resource I found helpful was the 2-part interview of Marnie Breecker on Duane Osterlind's "The Addicted Mind" podcast. Although geared to sex addicts, I found nearly all of it 100% spot on for my response to learning of my WH's As. This is more about understanding & validating the bases for why we often behave irrationally in the wake of dday (discovery day). Breecker & Osterlind went on to do their own podcast called "helping couples heal" which I also found VERY helpful. BC your WH is an alcoholic, I suspect much of the SA (sex addiction) stuff may resonate (my WH is what I'd call borderline on both the alcohol and sex addiction issues - but definitely in the conflict avoid + perfection camp).
If you are having trouble with trauma & trauma response, "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bassel Van der Kolk is kind of the bible on trauma. It's not at all about infidelity, but trauma, C-PTSD, etc. Your posts sound like aren't too far down the rabbit hole, so it may not be as helpful as the infidelity-specific stuff (FWIW, I was an ABSOLUTE wreck for months & months - to the point where I self harmed bc the physical pain of putting out a lit cigarette on my body was BETTER than the emotional pain of learning about my WH's secret life).
Finally, there's a great book called "living & loving after betrayal" by Stosne. This is about YOU and working to find your own value and meaning after infidelity (with or w/o the spouse... IOW, I think it's helpful regardless of whether your WH is able to step up and clean up his mess and make SERIOUS changes so you can attempt to reconcile, or if you decide to walk).
I think all BS struggle significantly with the "why" aspect of it all. For me, it really comes down to they did it because they thought they could get away with it. IMO, even if a WS has a single affair, their internal world is full of all the same bullshit that goes into being an alcoholic or addict.... selfish, entitled, rationalizing like a champ, and the first lie they tell is to themselves.
As hard as all of this is, you really do seem to be handling it like a champ.
And like all things here on SI, take what you need and leave the rest.
Godspeed to you.
ETA (edited to add):
while I have had some slips, I've never slipped onto someone's junk.....
Ain' that the ever loving truth!
And I agree that you may need to look into protecting yourself financially. No matter how well we think we "know" our WS, they can turn ugly and do even more stupid (or evil) crap than we thought. The drinking doesn't help.
How dare you think you can treat me that way? What world do you live in that you thought I wouldn't raise nine kinds of holy hell before I would put up with this kind of disrespect and humiliation?"
A-friggen-men, sister... A-friggen-men.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:26 PM, June 8th, 2021 (Tuesday)]