Newest Member: GotLynched


Emotional Affair

I need advice. I admit I am having a EA with a "friend/colleague" but have "fallen for him" (i.e. I know, I know, it's hormones and codependence).
B/G: Four years ago I was at a conference and I *felt* this person before I saw him. There he was: not necessarily beautiful but OMG those eyes moved my soul. I looked for him the next day all over, and laughed because, what am looking for him for? I'm married!
Years later, poof! He appears as a member of a professional organization that I serve on. We became FAST colleague-friends and worked together on a project; this was in September. He lives states away and is single, does not date (sexual impotence).
I told my husband that I'd developed feeling for a colleague, he said he wasn't worried about "some nerd" and never asked me more. I then, in October, told my husband I was having an "emotional affair" and again he said "not scared." I stopped talking to the guy for a few weeks, then started again. Now it's time I do this ONCE AND FOR ALL. I just don't know how to go about it. I don't want to make it like a big deal because I have to see this dude at least 4 times a year online, once in person. Further, I really like him as a friend and once I stop this bullshit, I know I'll be *done* with this crush and possibly friendship. I need time, I think. Idek what I need! I feel gross.
Some other thoughts: he is sexually challenged due to a disease, I think he did have feelings for me but not like I did, I don't want to leave my husband at all. I just need this obsession to STOP.

Please help. Thank you <3

2 comments posted: Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

Inappropriate feelings

I am not a WS but I developed a desire for someone I don't even know over the course of two Zoom meetings. The crescendo was me sending a friendly email, ending it with questions about his work plans, or other plans, for the summer. What's at heart here is not the email, but my intentions behind it. I believe I was trying to instigate, or see if I could, an EA. Or at least a series of emails that would make me feel something. IDK what that something is.
I have my IC in a couple of hours and cannot wait to share this with her. I absolutely want to tell my DH because it's indicative, to me, that we are reaching a crisis point in our marriage.
The marriage is decent: I love him, and am even in love with him. He does however have the emotional capacity of a dead fish. Left out to dry. Sex life is getting worse, maybe 2-3 times per month. Always my initiation, and lately, he struggles to finish. We are both fit and 40. He also has been drinking more each night since last year, staying up late. His speech patterns when he's drinking making my skin crawl so I usually peace out of the living room by 10 for the night.
I guess my question is: do I tell him about the email, my intentions behind the email, and if so, how can I use this truth to strengthen and not weaken our marriage? I desperately want MC but he thinks therapists are quacks and out to get him. This email was a wake-up call for me, how do I use it to serve as one for him? If I am too intense, he'll just clam up. We are also both EXTREMELY conflict avoidant with one another (not so much in other areas of life).
BTW, I feel SOOOOO grody about my email. Thank goodness the colleague didn't respond as we are not well-acquainted at all. SOOOO gross, so "not me." Yet, here I am.....

31 comments posted: Tuesday, June 8th, 2021

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