Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 12:27 AM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Something to consider, lifetime alimony could bring a lifetime of bitter resentment from your ExWW and a lifetime of headaches and toxicity hindering everyone from just moving on healthfully. Just something to think about.

You put her through school to get two degrees to secure her present position of CFO. She repaid you by cheating and destroying your marriage and family.

I say go for everything you can get. You deserve it.

Realistically, I doubt you'll get lifetime support but you will get something. It's worth a shot.

Listen to your lawyer. He sounds like he's done this a time or two.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8662917
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 12:28 AM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Seems to me if you are collecting alimony you are the one in control.

A buddy of mine was late and his x filed and got a garnishment.

Comes straight out of his check. Zero contact.

You can only be controlled if you allow it.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662918
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 12:51 AM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

TWO, please don’t do what many men do and forgo alimony that you are entitled to. As gemini12 put it, you supported her to get to her into this position and she paid you back by betraying you.

I see this all over infidelity forums. Men don’t accept alimony from their WW’s because they feel it’s wrong, total BS. Reverse the genders and not many would be saying don’t accept the alimony. I earn a lot more than my WW, but she has a gold plated pension coming to her in retirement. You bet your ass I would want my fair share of it if we were to D. I supported her financially and emotionally through nearly four years of education and continue to this day, managing a household with two parents working full time.

I read a recent article about the prevalence of women having to pay alimony to their ex-husbands as they are earning more $ then their husbands. All of the women in the article were complaining that it isn’t fair. This scenario is the very definition of fair. Gender of the spouses shouldn’t have any impact on alimony, it’s a relatively simple financial equation. I would suggest doing exactly what your lawyer is recommending.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8662922
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:16 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Marz

Seems to me if you are collecting alimony you are the one in control.

A buddy of mine was late and his x filed and got a garnishment.

Comes straight out of his check. Zero contact.

You can only be controlled if you allow it.

Jameson1977

TWO, please don’t do what many men do and forgo alimony that you are entitled to. As gemini12 put it, you supported her to get to her into this position and she paid you back by betraying you.

I see this all over infidelity forums. Men don’t accept alimony from their WW’s because they feel it’s wrong, total BS. Reverse the genders and not many would be saying don’t accept the alimony. I earn a lot more than my WW, but she has a gold plated pension coming to her in retirement. You bet your ass I would want my fair share of it if we were to D. I supported her financially and emotionally through nearly four years of education and continue to this day, managing a household with two parents working full time.

I read a recent article about the prevalence of women having to pay alimony to their ex-husbands as they are earning more $ then their husbands. All of the women in the article were complaining that it isn’t fair. This scenario is the very definition of fair. Gender of the spouses shouldn’t have any impact on alimony, it’s a relatively simple financial equation. I would suggest doing exactly what your lawyer is recommending.

Oh believe me, I will continue to be the gift that keeps on giving to her for many years to come. I am going to push to get as many years of alimony as I can get. I was the primary earner and caregiver to our son while she was getting her MBA and studying for her CPA license. She was never home and I held it all down. I did the majority of the housework, I did the majority of getting our son to sports practices and attended all his high school events. I paid off all her student loans for her bachelors degree. I already talked about all this with my lawyer and we have all those costs tallied and ready if they need to be used for leverage.

She called me last night and wanted to talk about the divorce and of course alimony came up. She waved the Christian husband's responsibility b.s. argument. She said just what you guys said here: that a wife should not have to pay her husband support. I told her welcome to the 21st Century and this wasn't ancient Israel, and that I had gone above and beyond supporting her for over the length of our marriage. The entitlement attitude of SOME women today is just amazing.

Yes, I broke the 180. Sue me.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 9:19 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662995
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:20 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

She waved the Christian husband's responsibility b.s. argument.

That came from daddy. Ignore. You can never rationalize with the irrational.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662996
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elKAPPYtan ( Member #72085) posted at 3:27 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

a wife should not have to pay her husband support.

A wife shouldn't screw around on a husband either, but here we are.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 9:30 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 153   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8662997
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 3:27 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

TheWrongOne,

Wow. That made me pretty angry and it didn't even happen to me. Has she always been this selfish and entitled?

She called me last night and wanted to talk about the divorce and of course alimony came up. She waved the Christian husband's responsibility b.s. argument. She said just what you guys said here: that a wife should not have to pay her husband support. I told her welcome to the 21st Century and this wasn't ancient Israel, and that I had gone above and beyond supporting her for over the length of our marriage. The entitlement attitude of SOME women today is just amazing.

I hope you waved the Christian wife's responsibility argument - "thou shalt not commit adultery".

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 10:01 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8662998
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ZenMumWalking ( Member #25341) posted at 4:18 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Block STBXWW from all forms of contact. Don't talk to her or explain anything. If it has to do with D, let the L's hash it out. If not, it's irrelevant to your new life.

NC is your friend.

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8408   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8663005
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:35 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Once again; cut the drama. I’m not saying you cause it, but when thrown in your face ignore it like the plague!

If she starts talking divorce your standard reply should be along the lines of: I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to personally handle the details of divorce. This is why I have an attorney who will ensure the process is within the laws of our state and ensures it’s fair. Please direct this comment to him.

And then go make a sandwich or watch a rerun of Friends.

--

You mention your business is based out of your home.

Have you decided if you want to keep the home in the divorce? Do you plan on having it valued and then you buy your then-ex-wife out?

Is this particular home a key element of your business? Do you have storage, toolsheds or something specifically done to the home that you aren’t likely to find elsewhere?

If yes – then talk to your attorney on how you can start that process. In-house separation isn’t a foregone conclusion in divorce and since you have a grown child then custody or abandonment isn’t an issue. There are safe ways to decide prime residency in the family home before the divorce is finalized.

If no – start looking to relocate your business.

Changes in where you and/or your wife (then ex wife) reside are inevitable in divorce. There is nothing that says it has to be done once the ink is dry. Sometimes pulling the band-aid off quickly is the best way to go. The D-process itself can possibly be dragged on for months and months.

--

There have been suggestions about cameras and recordings. Keep in mind that your freedom to implement such suggestions is relatively unlimited in a residency where you alone are registered. In your marital home there are certain expectations of privacy and it’s doubtful you could legally install cameras without your WW knowledge and/or consent. At the very least consult your attorney.

--

One common mistake often made in divorce is looking at things individually. Like if your car was worth 10k and her car 20k and the home 100k you would be short if you left with your car and 50k of the home. Fair would be that you left with half of 130k, or 65k.

I think your alimony claim will at best be usable as a bargaining chip. If there is a realistic expectation for alimony then you might be better off with a lump-sum or payment up front. For example: If you had a right to 1k per month in alimony for 5 years that would be 60k of taxable income. Maybe offering a one-time payment of 40k paid in more equity in the home might be a better option. Or that she forfeits your 401. Ask your attorney about that.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8663009
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 5:19 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Based on the huge involvement you had in your sons life as he grew up and the relatively light involvement of the stbxw it stands to reason his anger with her. Do adults who do this to their families NOT understand this?

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8663023
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pnhd65 ( New Member #78454) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Due to recent tax law changes, tax on alimony is no longer paid by the recipient, as in the past.

Your STBXW would pay the taxes on that, not you.

I do hope your divorce goes well, best of luck going forward.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2021   ·   location: central PA
id 8663026
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 5:34 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Bravo TWO! You are 100% correct, this is no different than a SAHM supporting and managing the home life, which is no easy job, for 20+ years while the husband get educated and furthers his career. The same reason I would have zero issues mediating an equal division of assets, including pensions.

I find it rich (as others have pointed out) that your WW and her family are throwing religious jabs at you while your WW commits one of the one acts that most religions accept as a justification for D, not only once but at least twice, even after “reconciliation”.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8663028
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 5:37 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

From your previous comments it sounds like you will forego the lump sum option or other variant and stick with the monthly reminder of her horrible behavior option.

I totally get that.

If the family keeps hurling biblical responsibility at you, you could always offer the OT option, stoning. OK, I'll stop.

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 11:39 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8663030
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Knitaknee ( New Member #71772) posted at 5:37 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Your WW and FIL like to subscribe to scripture, wonder why they don't endorse stoning? She wouldn't have to pay alimony then.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Alabama
id 8663031
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 5:44 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

For some of us, there's no price too high getting a toxic Ex completely out of your life or, as far removed from your life, as possible. Every situation is different. I like the lump some payout idea as it allows you to quantify your stake, get reimbursed, and get the hell out. No strings attached.

I also TOTALLY respect the previous poster's comments regarding menz alimony and the double standards. It's not fair that you invested so much in her quality of life and are rewarded with absolute betrayal BUT,

We live in the real world which isn't always fair. There are 11 factors used to divide property and 17 factors used for an alimony determination. The court may allow alimony as it deems reasonable, and it only does so if it finds alimony is NECESSARY . Alimony is not meant to place everyone on equal footing, and is not meant to equalize incomes. It is, however, based on the NEEDS of the party receiving it. Sometimes there is sufficient income for both parties to maintain their lifestyle post-divorce. If the lesser-earning spouse still earns significant income, and is able to support themselves and maintain the same standard of living, (not luxuries of living, not your ability to save and invest) on their income alone, it is unlikely that they will receive alimony regardless of how much their spouse earns.

But, hell yeah, like your attorney said, go for it. Don't get your hopes up. Lifetime alimony is a long shot and part of your attorney's sound aim high strategy. And, as a brother BS, I personally wish you all the luck on that.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:55 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8663034
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 7:11 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

I wonder if there is anything in that Good Book about hers about how a Christian woman should act?

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8663055
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 9:56 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Do adults who do this to their families NOT understand this?

They don’t care. Or if they do care, it’s not enough to interfere with them chasing the feels.

If they truly cared, they wouldn’t be cheating.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8663154
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

She waved the Christian husband's responsibility b.s. argument.

Irrelevant. Turns out divorce courts do not care about anyone’s particular religious views when it comes to money.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8663157
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 10:30 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Jameson1977

TWO, please don’t do what many men do and forgo alimony that you are entitled to.

Not against getting your due, I'd just want to ensure you don't find yourself wanting to chew your own leg off later to make the final separation. This seems like wise advice...

RealityBlows

For some of us, there's no price too high getting a toxic Ex completely out of your life or, as far removed from your life, as possible. Every situation is different. I like the lump some payout idea as it allows you to quantify your stake, get reimbursed, and get the hell out. No strings attached.

May your lawyer's arrows be swift and sure in finding their target.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8663171
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 10:45 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

BlueRaspberry

TheWrongOne,

Not sure if you've discussed this with your lawyer, but is there any chance you could use the H-Bomb as a negotiating tactic in the divorce settlement? Perhaps you could offer to sign an NDA regarding the materials you've collected in exchange for full lifetime alimony. Your wife seems very self absorbed, so she may be interested in trying to protect her reputation.

Yes I have discussed it and he says that her affair counts for nothing: nada, zip, zero to the court. It is a community property, no-fault state. The evidence is only there to protect my reputation and to prove her adultery to friends and family. He told me today not to do anything with it. Any attempt to use it as leverage (i.e. blackmail) in the divorce negotiations will look bad, really bad, if the judge gets wind of it, and I will have my butt handed to me.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8663178
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