Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:13 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Freeme

How much longer is the contract?

There is about a month of work left to do to get the Certificate of Occupancy. Basically, I will stay with the project until the fire marshal signs off and says that the addition is habitable. I am not staying around for the interior decorating. I will hand the trustees the CofO, and I leave for good. That is it.

The "contract" went out yesterday. It is nothing more than a one page proposal for oversight and management, with language that includes a one time payment of $1. They sign it and I will continue to review the job progress and pay apps from the contractor.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662477
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:17 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I have come to the conclusion that some women lose respect for their husbands when they end up earning more than the husband does. It must be some kind of primal thing.

Please don’t feed the red pill/blue pill fanatics…

You state you carried the family for 20 years. That included the period of her first affair so your theory is shot right there and then. She didn’t respect the marriage when she earned less than you, she didn’t respect the marriage when she earned more than you.

A very popular theory here on SI (and one I agree with) is that infidelity is never because the BS is lacking. She didn’t cheat because of faults in you. She cheated because SHE was lacking. Faults in her. Had you or the marriage been lacking her correct response would be to talk to you and demand change – including the possibility of change as divorce. She didn’t.

Is your petition based on your attorneys recommendation?

I have questions on some of the factors…

The life-long alimony… I suspect you probably don’t have a strong basis for that… Alimony is often based on the receivers earning potential and it doesn’t sound like your potential is much lower than hers… Historically yours has been higher. I would be willing to barter the threat of life-long alimony in lieu of a larger share of the house. Plus I think it’s of great financial and emotional value to have a one-off payment and not have to wait for her checks every month.

I’m also guessing that if you earned more than she for most of the marriage then your 401 is larger. She could make a claim for her share there… Maybe use the LLA to barter there.

Doesn’t necessarily matter to the bank/issuer if a card is in your name or hers. They issued the cards when married = the law generally sees a couple as a joint unit. Be 100% certain that IF she keeps her cards then the issuer accepts that old debt is solely her debt.

We have seen instances here where the divorced person simply stops payments on a card that was “theirs” in the do-it-yourself divorce. If the provided can’t collect from the ex they go for you. You can then sue the ex for reimbursement, but at cost and no guarantee of payment.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8662478
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 3:18 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

However the fear of a false abuse charge are not really that great once you have filed. Contrary to common belief here on SI then cops do not automatically assume all charges wife's make are taken at face value.

True enough. On the other hand, I heard about two separate cases this weekend (weirdly enough in a convo at a gathering) in real life that both happened this year in my suburban community. In one case the husband had a VAR; in the other case the husband did not. In the case with the VAR the situation was resolved quickly and no arrests. In the other case the husband spent the weekend in the hoosegow without being able to make bail. Pays to be cautious. It seems word of mouth about men using VARs is beginning to get around, whether in a situation of female infidelity or just in dealing with an unstable wife or girlfriend.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662479
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:33 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

SquirrelFace

I had the exact same thing happen with my xW. Moving up the corporate ladder was all she cared about. It wasn't until her startup company was a going concern did she start her affair.

Damn...

It's obvious she doesn't respect you. But I don't think she thought you were deficient.

I think she thought you were disposable. Utilitarian.

Agreed. Maybe "deficient" was an inaccuracy.

It's clear she, your in-laws, your church all share the same view of your place as being the beast of burden in this relationship to your wife.

Screw that. I applaud you for the way you are handling this. I'm genuinely angry for you.

I think you are dead on here. The amount of entitlement that my FIL has instilled in my wife is staggering.

That man has pretty much ruined my opinion of church pastors. He expects everyone... everyone...to fall in line under him, as if he is king of the world. There is a cultish culture in this church and within my wife's family that is disturbing. Christianity was not meant to be this way.

The apostle Paul went out of his way to serve his followers, to show them that he was as much servient to each of them as he was to God. Modern pastors have lost this sense of humility.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662485
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:39 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Bigger understand that my attorney asked high. He says he always does this, and then he negotiates down with the other attorney. I do not expect to get lifetime alimony, and I do not want or need her 401k. I have enough to retire, if I ever do, which I don't plan on. I like to work. I like being an engineer. I get a great amount of joy and satisfaction seeing my designs put into structures and buildings. I have seen too many men retire and their lives just fall apart. Not me, I don't want that to happen. I like waking up every day with a purpose.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662488
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Whenever I read these threads where the WS is in denial about divorce, I think of this line of dialog from the movie The Counselor. Not the greatest movie, but some nuggets...

Counselor: Will you help me?

Jefe: I would urge you to see the truth of the situation you're in, Counselor. That is my advice. It is not for me to tell you what you should have done or not done. The world in which you seek to undo the mistakes that you made is different from the world where the mistakes were made. You are now at the crossing. And you want to choose, but there is no choosing there. There's only accepting. The choosing was done a long time ago...

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

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id 8662494
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SquirrelFace ( New Member #52946) posted at 3:49 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Christianity was not meant to be this way.

No. It's not. It's hard leaving a congregation when the rank and file members are wonderful, but the leadership favors certain groups. Been there before.

There was a Pew Research study that showed there was a significant gender gap of regular Christian church attendance of women over men. It's no mystery some churches will cater to the group that their bread and butter comes from. It will only continue to drive away more men from organized Christianity by treating them poorly.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 8662495
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:17 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

You’ve done a commendable job of keeping this as civil as possible and low key without divulging details.

You have zero control over anyone else’s actions.

Don’t sweat what others do.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:18 AM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

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id 8662504
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:23 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

IMO you deserve some alimony for staying with her 15 years after she cheated the first time.

This should be a good warning to those jumping info R without the proper prerequisites in place. Then ending back in another cheating repeat.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8662510
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:26 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

TheWrongOne,

So now that she is served, what is the next milestone? Is there any mandated mediation? Curious about how long this will take.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8662513
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 4:27 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

On this site, and in my life, I have found that when a person is never told “no” they ratchet up their bad behavior. All these people have been piling on you for years. It’s time to say “no”. It’s a complete sentence.

Look to see if you are a people pleaser. Are you the middle child? They either blast out or cave in. Don’t do either. Just stand your ground. You’ve earned it. Btw, many of us non middle kids are people pleasers. It feels soooo good the first time we say no and don’t budge.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2906   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8662515
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:13 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Fareast

You are an excellent path to get out of infidelity. Keep it up.

Let me disagree with one statement. Once your WW became CFO and started making a higher salary than you, she may have lost some respect for you. Some people are shallow that way. But losing respect for you or finding you deficient has nothing to do with why she cheated and had her A. Please wipe out those thoughts. She cheated because she is broken and it is part of who she is. What was her excuse 15 years ago? She is a broken person with no moral compass or integrity when it comes to her marriage vows. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period.

Point taken. Thanks

Butforthegrace

I have a pair of married friends where the wife's career took off to the stratosphere decades ago, the husband eventually becoming a SAHD. They've remained devoted and loyal and are now recently retired, very comfortably, and loving life as a couple. In this couple, the wife is appreciative of the support her husband provided for her highly successful career.

I have another pair where the wife's career took off and she behaved like your WW, as if the BH was beneath her.

In the end, it comes down to character. In couple 1, the wife is a high quality individual with character and morals; in couple 2, not so much.

I agree. Please don't think I was lumping all women together. I have just seen this scenario happen too many times. The wife talks the husband into staying home and being a SAHD, thinking that is what she really wants, when in reality it goes the other direction and she ends up resenting the time he gets to spend with the kids and being the primary earner..

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 12:13 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:38 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

And if I am going to be honest with myself, and everyone here, I am pretty sure I lost my respect for my wife fifteen years ago, and I think she felt it and has had to live under that cloud. It is difficult for me to hold a lack of respect for me against her when I probably had none for her.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662559
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 6:46 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Sometimes relationships are just over, even marriages. At this point I don’t think you need to overthink it. You’re going to move on and so is she. The easier the better for both of you.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2906   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8662563
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:55 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

It will only continue to drive away more men from organized Christianity by treating them poorly.

In my (soon to be gone from) church it’s a woman senior pastor driving out some of the women she feels threatened by. Or the women who don’t believe her lies and nonsense.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8662584
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Given your FIL already came towards you and your wife beating on the door like she did, get some cameras. Better safe than sorry.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8662683
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 1:56 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I am doing what I need to do to protect myself. All is in place. I have mini VOX recorders set up in the kitchen, living room and common hallway on the first floor. I keep one on me.

Well, the tsunami of do-gooders began their barrage. It's amazing how quickly word spreads through a congregation. People that rarely talk to me are all of a sudden really, really interested in my marriage. I caught my wife when she got home last night and showed her all the texts and phone calls. I told her she better start making some calls to people and getting this crap under control or she and her sin would be exposed to the church family in a very unflattering way. I'm not putting up with this crap from her friends and supporters.

She couldn't even look at me. Just nodded her head and went upstairs. The shame is building.

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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 2:32 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

That sounds more like a cult than a church. My husband was born into the Baptist Faith and moved out of it at 13. He said he got sick and tired of people raising hell and being sinners all week and going to church on Sunday and thinking one hour was going to fix them. That’s not the way it happens.

Anyway, what exactly do they think they’re going to get you to do? You must have been the best member of the congregation that has ever step foot in that church for them to all be piling on you.

Or they got way too much grunt work out of you and hate to see you leave because it’s gonna cost them money. Can you tell I’m just a little bit cynical?

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:33 AM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 2:41 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

More drama.

Remember: Remove drama.

This is precisely why I suggested you move to the divorce forum.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 3:00 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I echo Bigger’s advice about moving to the D/S forum — for one thing it will move you mentally to a different place. For another you can seek some practical advice on next steps. I have a couple of practical thoughts:

1. Can you immediately rent a POD and start putting most of your personal stuff in storage that you don’t want her messing around with?

2. That would then lead to step #2 (which you need to check with your attorney on to make sure it won’t complicate property rights and selling the house). But it might be beneficial for you to move into a nearby Airbnb for a few weeks to provide physical and therapeutic separation for you. That would also cut down on the drama.

3. Before moving into a temp Airbnb could you take a few days off out of town somewhere for a mini vacation by yourself? Look at drives within 4-8 hours of you and go to some town with a couple of nice historical attractions or something. Or a cabin in the woods.

With your most of your stuff safely in storage and you in an Airbnb you could be away from the potential for needless confrontations and discussions. It would also let you relearn living minimally and being comfortable by yourself.

I had researched this for myself last year. Gives you a temporary landing spot, a sense of independence and signals to your brain you are entering a new and better phase of life.

I don’t think living together in that house is going to be healthy for very much longer. Just some thoughts.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4222   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662758
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