SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What’s the attachment to the home?

Generally in divorce people stay in the family home as some form of protection of assets and to hold a full hand in custody. With your son out of the home then custody isn’t an issue. Nor is abandonment or fleeing responsibilities.

You can resolve residence, possible extra cost of one moving out, payment of mortgage and utilities and so on while married but divorcing. Theoretically either you or WW could be in a temporary condo within a couple of weeks.

One of the best healers is distance and detachment. Until you have some space and a front-door between you and WW you can expect to hear late-night knocking and door slamming.

Wow, TWO, you really have the upper hand here. That's amazing how well you can do the Grey Rock thing. I do wonder what has made her shift from stunned, sad acceptance of the inevitable (when you confronted her) to this new commitment to reconciling? I suspect it is and always has been about money, plain and simple.

OH! I mean to ask, big, important issue: Your previous comments seem to indicate that word is getting around your church that you two are divorcing, and the reason why you are divorcing (perhaps?). You didn't clarify if the OM attends your church (and his wife) so I have to ask, does his wife know, yet? Is your STBX going to tell her? (yeah, I know.... stop laughing, sometimes you have to ask rhetorical questions.. )

Believe me it took every ounce of self control I had to remind her of who paid for her schooling and supported her all those years so she could go and get that big paying job. I bit my tongue and I'll have my lawyer remind hers of who was responsible for getting her where she is now.

As for the church, I have heard little gossip. I don't talk to anyone there now. She is no longer going, or at least she has not attended for the last three weeks or so. She used to attend "religiously"

I wish I could have "grey rocked" as well as you're doing. You're killing it.

Maybe I can speak for many of us betrayed in saying your story, while painful, represents that it is possible to gain some degree of dignity by forcing the betrayer to face the consequences of their actions. Thank you!

I wish I could have "grey rocked" as well as you're doing. You're killing it.

I've had five years to detach. So I'm not the norm.

Absolutely. Grey rock world champion! You’re awesome.

I just exploded at my WXW yesterday because she was being shady, as always. I said stuff that needed to be said but I really regret getting angry. It just gives her power.

I’ll try to be more like you. You’re doing awesome. Keep it up!

I've had five years to detach. So I'm not the norm.

I had never heard of terms like gray rock or 180 when I confronted my spouse. I just knew what would work and what would not. Some people are born for high strung, confrontational sturm und drang blowups. I'm not. My ex-wife was in her lane with that kind of confrontation. I knew I'd lose any shouting match I entered into with her and I was bound and determined to give her the exact opposite of what she wanted-- a chance to try to warp reality (in spite of tons of evidence) by asserting, in a loud voice, that I was insane and her actions were beyond reproach. I never raised my voice once-- and I still managed to get talked into attempted reconciliation, like an emotional clingy dumbass I was. I wish I had been "not the norm" when I went through it. I would have avoided wasting a painful year.

I want to stay in the house because to move my business would be a major pain in the ass and very expensive, and frankly I don't think I should have to leave the house that I designed and built myself. Yes she decorated it, so she can take the furniture. I don't want her stupid modern furniture anyway. I would like to get rid of all that stuff and make the house into a warm, cozy mancave I have always dreamed of.

I have a T1 line running to the house through which I run all my cloud-based engineering and AutoCAD programs through. To have to move that service to a new location would be a major endeavor and would interrupt my work. I have four separate workstations set up in my office which are slated for different applications. I have a regular copier printer and a large plan printer that weighs about 300 pounds that does not take to moving around very well. It is a delicate device.

And it's a matter of principle. The more I think about it, she is the one who should move out. So right now I am talking with my lawyer about possibly asking for full ownership of the house to be debited against the total alimony. We'll see where that lands.

TWO,

maybe it is because you’ve had 5 years to detach, and yes, I’m sure there are still some very rough times, but

It appears that you are doing very well.

Keep it up!!! You are doing a good job.

Continue moving forward. Continue to take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating at least one meal a day, and that you are getting some sleep. Food and sleep are the fuel for the body and brain. You need to make some difficult decisions, including the decision to continue to grey rock her. This is tough to do when your body is in a weakened state from malnutrition and the brain is foggy because of lack of sleep.

Continue moving forward out of the 5 years of Hell that she has put you in. I promise the other side is incredible!!! The things that you may fear about being single are unlikely to happen.

So good luck, continue to stay strong, and remember we are here for you, whether you need advice or just a place to vent.

And it's a matter of principle. The more I think about it, she is the one who should move out. So right now I am talking with my lawyer about possibly asking for full ownership of the house to be debited against the total alimony. We'll see where that lands.

Brilliant. You might have to move anyway, but it's definitely Machiavellian in its simplicity.

Sounds like a good plan, see what the lawyer says. I am sure there may be better options.

One day at a time.

Just remember: Once the wife realizes the house has value to you (beyond direct monetary value) then she has the upper hand in negotiations.

I think that based on the relatively short period where she has been earning higher than you and your proven ability to earn a decent income then the alimony request is probably weak at best. I know that as-is she is entitled to half the market-value of the home. Doesn’t have anything to do with what’s right or wrong or principle. It’s plain and simple the business of divorce.

Things for the most part are going okay. The wife and I avoid each other mostly. She works ate her office late so I don't have much interaction with her. It's very eerie. It's like living in a house with a ghost upstairs, except that ghost is my wife. Anyways, she was gone all weekend. I didn't ask where she was nor do I care. She didn't get home until late last night after I had already gone to bed.

As for myself I have been doing well. I am down fifteen pounds and getting in good shape. I also just scored a new design project last week so I'm excited about that. So... that is where everything stands. Lawyers are still negotiating and for now there is no drama. The in-laws have not contacted me and for that I am thankful.

Well done TWO, good to see you are handling this well. Keep up with the exercise and eating well. Be that man that she pushed away.

One day at a time.

Well some positive news: I finished up the building addition to the church. I was able to get the life/safety requirements passed and the fire marshal gave me a certificate of occupancy yesterday. I'm glad I live in a town that has fairly loose safety requirements to get a certificate. So, I have satisfied my agreement to the church and I will be moving on down the road and washing my hands of this whole ordeal. The trustees can put enough brain cells together to finish the interior and get it furnished.

Last night my wife brought home a big pizza and told me to eat what I wanted from it. It just happened to be my favorite type from a really good pizza place in town. I asked her what this meant and she said it was a peace offering. She said she wanted her and I to get along while we worked through the divorce and she said she would leave me alone and not talk about the marriage anymore. She says she is working on her spiritual life and working to be a better person for our family, and she wanted whatever time we are still together to be animosity-free. And then she grabbed her pizza and went upstairs.

Strange. But the pizza was delicious. The b*#tch knows my stomach betrays me.

The pattern is full ghostrider. Maintain 180 and do not engage.

I have an acquaintance who was about to divorce his wife, but was still living with her. He unexpectedly woke up in the hospital. No history of heart issues, but his heart stopped one day. His STBXW said the cause was illegal drugs, although none showed up in his tox screen. Maybe it was just coincidental his wife was a cardiac care nurse with access to heart medication.

Probably not what you want to hear and I'm being paranoid, but I'd be wary of accepting food from someone who stands to financially be in a much better position if I was dead.

This is the “let’s be friends” thing. They all do this.

It’s to help her not you. She can say say what I did wasn’t so bad cause “we’re friends”!!!!!!

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Your son is older. IMO your best path is to let her go fully. If not you’ll keep that and her family in your life. You won’t need any contact. Civil but distant.

No other relationship that you may have is going to want an x in the mix.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:37 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

Strange. But the pizza was delicious. The b*#tch knows my stomach betrays me.

I think she also knows you can't be bought for the price of a pizza.

What she did was be civil in a very trying time for both of you. I would have no problem with a small courtesy like this. It doesn't signify that you are getting back together-- she acknowledges that. Buying pizza also doesn't signify anything more than that. What she said might be the truth. She doesn't desire anything more than an amicable separation between grownups. You've already stated you don't wish to humiliate her. Your actions have backed that up. She's done what she's done-- staged an epic meltdown with her parents involved because (I think) that was what she was expected to do "to save her Christian marriage". So the drama played out in front of her parents and they realize that it's not going to be the same this time. She's sad, because she realizes you really aren't her best friend any more, and that's on her, not you. If she can be decent on the way out the door you both won't need to contribute any more vitriol to an already sad (but necessary) situation.

Does she think you two can be friends and will use that to justify herself? I seriously doubt that. There's nothing for her to point at and be proud of here. She did what she did, because she liked it and it felt good. She was already reluctantly given the gift of reconciliation by you and she trampled on it. Those are facts that don't make her look very good. You've been a gentleman about this situation and I think she realizes you are treating her better than she deserves. That's worth a few slices of pizza, but I doubt it signals her using it as leverage to tell the world about how you are her best pal after the divorce. Hypocrisy only takes you so far.

I'm inclined to lean towards KingofNothing on this.

From the information you provided, I also thought that this was a bit of an apology for the s-storm she created with her family and the church. A peace offering so to speak. "Our M is over, but we don't have to hate each other".

You have a son. He will have life events that you both will likely attend. She likely understands that it is better for all parties if you can co-exist in the same space without anger/resentment/etc. That is essentially what she did. Share a pizza, I'll eat mine over here, you eat yours wherever. We both enjoy the pizza, don't have to interact. Everyone's OK.

I would also say that I agree with the others that you should continue the 180 and continue to detach. But it seems that is going along quite well already.