SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As Marz said, she just wants help herself.

She showed her true personality by cheating on you many times and then forcing you (with the help of her parents) to stay in marriage. After seeing your determination and these weren't working out, she had no choice but to get an amicable divorce. But she may still have hope that the marriage will survive.

What does she gain by doing so? First, as I said above, she may be thinking that you can give up on the divorce. If not, her reputation in society will not be damaged by remaining friends with you. Those who don't know the truth think that you are divorced due to marital problems but stayed as friends.

This will also give her some conscientious relief. Maintaining a friendly relationship with you may not justify what she's doing, but it will trivialize it internally.

Seeing that her marriage was going to end, she may have decided to take her relationship with AP to a different level after D. I don't think she cut off contact with him. She's probably sharing what's going on. She may think that staying friends with you will prevent future turmoil and you accept it calmly. This last one is just a small assumption of course.

On the other hand, there is no benefit or harm for you in staying friends with her. It may just make you feel uncomfortable for giving her the advantages I mentioned above and she hasn't adequately faced the consequences of her actions. This is very normal and understandable. Honestly, that's how I am. I don't feel comfortable with people doing bad things going on with their lives as if nothing had happened. If it were me, I would have refused the pizza she brought and ordered another, or simply refused. Somehow I would show that I didn't come to terms with what she had done even to a low degree.

Edit:

On the other hand, there is no benefit or harm for you in staying friends with her.

By that I don't mean staying a lifelong friend, just while the divorce process.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:11 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]

Thumos

The pattern is full ghostrider. Maintain 180 and do not engage.

Yep. Doing my best to avoid her, but I'm not running away from her every time she walks down the stairs.

SquirrelFace

I have an acquaintance who was about to divorce his wife, but was still living with her. He unexpectedly woke up in the hospital. No history of heart issues, but his heart stopped one day. His STBXW said the cause was illegal drugs, although none showed up in his tox screen. Maybe it was just coincidental his wife was a cardiac care nurse with access to heart medication.

Probably not what you want to hear and I'm being paranoid, but I'd be wary of accepting food from someone who stands to financially be in a much better position if I was dead.

Eh... I don't know about that. I mean, your theory gives me pause, but I don't think my wife has it in her to kill. She's never been a violent or vindictive. She's just a loose woman with shit for boundaries. Killer? I don't think so.

But I've been wrong before!

Marz

This is the “let’s be friends” thing. They all do this.

It’s to help her not you. She can say say what I did wasn’t so bad cause “we’re friends”!!!!!!

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Your son is older. IMO your best path is to let her go fully. If not you’ll keep that and her family in your life. You won’t need any contact. Civil but distant.

No other relationship that you may have is going to want an x in the mix.

Oh I plan to let her go fully. No worries about that. I have had great fun planning out the remainder of my life over the past couple of weeks and that plan does not include her.

It was a large pizza. They had a special going on and since she knows I like that pizza joint she went ahead and got one for both of us. It was a considerate gesture and I politely thanked her before she went upstairs. She knows I won't read any more into it than that. This is the first time in a long time she has gone out of her way to share anything. Actually, since the lawyers have been haggling she has been very cold and distant towards me. She knows that financially she may get her ass handed to her. So she is doing her own 180.

KingofNothing

I think she also knows you can't be bought for the price of a pizza.

What she did was be civil in a very trying time for both of you. I would have no problem with a small courtesy like this. It doesn't signify that you are getting back together-- she acknowledges that. Buying pizza also doesn't signify anything more than that. What she said might be the truth. She doesn't desire anything more than an amicable separation between grownups. You've already stated you don't wish to humiliate her. Your actions have backed that up. She's done what she's done-- staged an epic meltdown with her parents involved because (I think) that was what she was expected to do "to save her Christian marriage". So the drama played out in front of her parents and they realize that it's not going to be the same this time. She's sad, because she realizes you really aren't her best friend any more, and that's on her, not you. If she can be decent on the way out the door you both won't need to contribute any more vitriol to an already sad (but necessary) situation.

Does she think you two can be friends and will use that to justify herself? I seriously doubt that. There's nothing for her to point at and be proud of here. She did what she did, because she liked it and it felt good. She was already reluctantly given the gift of reconciliation by you and she trampled on it. Those are facts that don't make her look very good. You've been a gentleman about this situation and I think she realizes you are treating her better than she deserves. That's worth a few slices of pizza, but I doubt it signals her using it as leverage to tell the world about how you are her best pal after the divorce. Hypocrisy only takes you so far.

Everything you just wrote is just about 100% spot on. Thank you.

And it is also just my suspicion that her affair with the OM is back on, or never actually ended. Since returning home she has been spending a lot of time out of the house and going out at strange hours, so it is a good bet she is sneaking out to meet him or some other new guy. She was comfortable to continue living a double life as long as she could: having me as the old steady guy who helped pay the bills and keep the house in order, and the OM to give her the wiggles.

Tigersrule77

I'm inclined to lean towards KingofNothing on this.

From the information you provided, I also thought that this was a bit of an apology for the s-storm she created with her family and the church. A peace offering so to speak. "Our M is over, but we don't have to hate each other".

Yeah something like that, although I wouldn't go as far as to say an apology. More like a modus vivendi. She wants me off her ass and to stay off, so she is throwing out an olive branch and is offering to stay off my back. I see no reason not to accept a temporary cease fire.

You have a son. He will have life events that you both will likely attend. She likely understands that it is better for all parties if you can co-exist in the same space without anger/resentment/etc. That is essentially what she did. Share a pizza, I'll eat mine over here, you eat yours wherever. We both enjoy the pizza, don't have to interact. Everyone's OK.

Yes and we have had brief discussions about this. I told her I had no intention of badmouthing her to our son or trying to thwart their relationship in any way. She knows I would not do this. She has no respect for me that is obvious, but also she knows I am a man of my word.

I would also say that I agree with the others that you should continue the 180 and continue to detach. But it seems that is going along quite well already.

Oh yeah. I may have the steps tattooed on my chest. It has been a life saver.

Hi TheWrongOne,

I'm new here and I've been following your story. It's so sad that your wife didn't even graced you with gratitude despite you helping her push through with her education. Some people doesn't know how to pay gratitude.
You already gave her the chance after her first infidelity but still she keeps on doing it. As a fellow Christian, I don't think she has the morality of a rightful Christian. Hopefully you get what's rightfully yours from your divorce proceedings.
All the best!

Strange. But the pizza was delicious. The b*#tch knows my stomach betrays me.

Your wife is up to something. No need for her to pay a bribe to you to keep the peace. You have your space and she has hers. Does she expect to buy you off with a pizza? Not necessarily. But she has confirmed for herself that she can still get you to lower your guard. You did after all accept her "peace offering." No such thing as a free meal especially when it is offered by an individual like your wife. Every interaction with her is by design one sided and for her benefit, regardless how small.

Would be extra vigilant if I were you. I would also decline any further peace offerings whatever the reason. She already has peace. You are not intruding into double life nor have you done anything to expose it. Her offerings are unnecessary if peace is all that she wants.

She said she wanted her and I to get along while we worked through the divorce and she said she would leave me alone and not talk about the marriage anymore. She says she is working on her spiritual life and working to be a better person for our family, and she wanted whatever time we are still together to be animosity-free.

It is for the lawyers to work through the divorce. She would like whatever time you are still together to be animosity free. That's cute. Any and all animosity since you announced your decision to divorce has come from her, not you. You have separated yourself in home and have made no effort to seek her out for any reason. If she was sincere what more would she have to do other than keep to her space and allow you yours?

Your intentions were clearly stated when you announced your decision to divorce. You wanted to divorce and as painlessly as possible. You had no interest in her apologies or excuses. If she knows you are as good as your word why pay a bribe?

She continues to "work late" and largely keeps her own distance. What time is there to spend together? You have read the disparaging comments she has made to her lover about you. You know she has no respect for you so why does she even want to pretend she wants to spend time with you? She hopes to gain something. All the more reason for you to remain cordial but cold, distant and business like. You aren't friends and she isn't trustworthy so why bother to pretend?

Will you let her parents know the A is ongoing or that there is a new AP?

Either way the OBS has the right to know.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:25 PM, June 20th (Sunday)]

Buffer,
I believe her parents caused one of the issues for the relationship. They made OP read all those bible phrases and encouraged him into believing that he was the cause of her first infidelity. So telling her parents now will generate similar issue. They will again try to blame OP for the infidelity because it's his duty to protect her wife... or something of that kind.
And he doesn't want to tell OBS because he doesn't want his wife to lose her job. He still cared despite the series of infidelities on her part. I mean, he doesn't care about his wife but he cares about their family.
Correct me if I'm wrong, OP.

[This message edited by beb252 at 2:16 AM, Tuesday, June 22nd]

I cannot prove she is still in the affair. It is just a hunch. I have no desire to do anymore sleuthing or policing. I'm done with that. As for her parents, I am through talking to them and have essentially cut off contact. I was never close to her dad, but her mom and I have always gotten on well. I will miss the old lady I have to admit. She was always more understanding towards me than the others in the family.

Thank you for your update.
What's the status of your divorce proceedings? When will it be finalized? Has your wife reached out to you or she's also checked out? Does she do all those 'i love you's'... stuff?

I will miss the old lady I have to admit. She was always more understanding towards me than the others in the family.

Send her a birthday card by mail on her next birthday with a short, hand-written note in it. Say more or less what you say here.

As above^^^

Any more free pizza?

Just kidding

One day at a time

She was always more understanding towards me than the others in the family.

What in the world would the rest of the family have to be less than understanding or gracious about? You weren't the one who cheated, your STBXW was. I'm still wrapping my head around the tortured logic of how her terrible actions reflect in any way upon your character. Then again, I'm Catholic, which is a whole other league of guilt, so whadda I know.

My lawyer got word from hers that we will receive a counteroffer on our petition this week. So I will update when that comes in. The Ww has been staying on her side of the fence. I have had no face to face interaction with her over the last couple days. She stays out late and I'm usually in bed by 9:30 p.m. or still at the gym.

I have no beef with her family. For the most part I got on with them well except for her oldest brother who is a convicted criminal and who is not allowed near my property. Her dad and only scraped when it came to his precious daughter. But that is over now and I wish them all well, I just don't want to be around them anymore.

I have also been going through a spiritual journey where I have been questioning most, if not all, of my beliefs, and that journey has helped me stay objective and focused on me and my future. This has been a pretty mundane divorce so far, and for that I am actually grateful.

Your stbxw is so similar to mine.

I think the divorce will go smoothly. Probably a month of heated back and forth when you get down to brass tacks on money, but that should work out. She will get emotional after leaving your final hearing, but... meh... that's about as much as your will get out of her.

Then it's on to enjoying your single life. I think you will be just fine.

What is the timeline in your state? Would you even need to appear in person?

Blood is most often thicker than water. They will probably side with her no matter what.

It’s a good approach you have. Just let them go too. They are nothing to you.

I think the divorce will go smoothly. Probably a month of heated back and forth when you get down to brass tacks on money, but that should work out.

My guess is that this is where all the difficulty will be--alimony/finances. Unless she has changed her belief(s), she did appear to have the mentality of 'her' money, being that she has a higher salary. Never mind how she got there....she has her money, and he has his....in her mind. That will need to change to move the divorce along faster.

TWO,

I can relate to the spiritual journey and questioning your beliefs. I assumed my WW had the same beliefs and character I had. I used to tell people she made me a better Christian. Then she had an 11 month PA with a drunk. I realized that I was the better person, I was a good Christian. My WW did not make me these things, it is just who I am and what my beliefs and life code are. It's in my DNA. My WW was an actor in pretending she was like me.

Hold on to your beliefs. I know it seems cheaters and liars get rewarded, but I personally cannot conform to what today's society deems acceptable or excusable.

I always refer to the story of Joseph in the Bible. He did nothing to deserve the punishments he suffered, and he suffered due to the free will choices of others. We suffer from choices of our WS, not from our personal beliefs.

Prayers to you.

I went through an intense questioning of my Christian faith after my WW’s affair. There were times I doubted my faith. It forced me to walk back through all the reasons I became a Christian in the first place. And when I did I found that I was firmly a believer with normal doubts dealing with perhaps the most profound existential crisis many of us will ever confront.

It’s healthy that you’re questioning your beliefs. Keep pressing in. Your soon to be ex wife and your soon to be former church do not define your faith; only the Author and Finisher can do that.

We will be praying for you. Feel free to PM any of us if you need additional support.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:25 PM, June 23rd (Wednesday)]

I went through an intense questioning of my Christian faith after my WW’s affair.

I am not a "Christian", as per many Christian schisms and sects would approve, but I am a believer. That is enough for me.

The issue with any religious faith has really very little to do with the foundational beliefs or the religious scriptures that one holds dear and true. You have to, you must, fundamentally accept that God or Jesus, or whomever you put your faith in have nothing to do with the fallibility and basic error filled nature of humans.

People, no matter what their faith or their God, will always disappoint. People, including your spouse, will very likely not live up to their own professed beliefs. The greatness of your God and/or your beliefs are not diminished by the error filled bullshit antics of the humans in your life. You cannot ever rely on people to live up to the tenets of your or their faith. People are fucked up and fallible. God and his message is not, no matter what your view or personal relationship is with your God (whatever or whoever that is to you).

The fundamental tenets and teachings of your faith are everlasting, the people in your life are fallible, damaged, and will always disappoint, if held to that "higher" standard. There is never a reason to question one's beliefs in their God or the teachings of their God, so long as you accept the reality that the people in your life will never live up to those lofty tenets. The basic teachings are universal, everlasting, and perfect.

Unfortunately, we are all fallible......tragically and inevitably. What matters is how we respond to the wrongs we have done to others. This is the challenge for a BS. How well is their fallible WS responding to what they have wrought. There is no reason to pine over the truths of one's spiritual beliefs. What you must do is accept that most humans are woefully broken and far from the standard that one's faith and their God would expect. How your WS responds to their terrible actions is what is at issue, not the fundamental truths that are everlasting in your religious beliefs.

Truth is everlasting; learning to not judge what it true based on the broken choices and actions of your idiot WS is not the thing thing to cause you to question that everlasting truth. It is, however, a reason to question the safeness and health of hanging on to such a broken and unrepentant/unremorseful partner. I am convinced that spiritual and religious teachings are not what is in question, it is the struggle over wanting to hang on to a broken person who is clearly not as committed to the spiritual truths as you are.

There is really not much to question. People do fucked up things to others. How remorseful and contrite they are after doing those things is what should be in question.

Good luck, bro!
Be firm on your stand. You're the betrayed one, not once but multiple times.
All the best!

"Financial Detriment". That is what my lawyer said he will use as a counter-file to their answer to our petition.

I blew it. I broke the 180, but I was so damn pissed. I should have seen it coming and braced myself but I got cocky. Well she threw a fit this morning when I told her that the counteroffer from her lawyer was not acceptable. I told her I was going to ask my lawyer to just take it to court. She wants to get pissy about my requests and say that I have no right to alimony? Well we will just see.

They actually want me to sell the house, give her half and also half of all my retirement and investments, while she only pays a reduced alimony to me, a fraction of what I'm entitled to under fair distribution. I will get half of her retirement also, or she will have to settle with me on a payout, and vice versa.

So, off to court we go. I told her I will prove she used thousands of dollars to lavish gifts and pay for expensive hotels while in her affair, taking that money that could have been used for our retirement, to improve our home, etc. I will use all the info I got from the PI and she will answer for it in front of a judge.

I told her her lawyer sucks. He would have to be nuts to want this to go to court. What a stupid c*#t.

Anyway, armistice is broken, we're at war now.