Merti posted 4/20/2021 13:07 PM

Hi everyone,
I am in home seperation with my WS and I am finally making him leave our family house. He himself also knows that he needs to leave me alone. So there is no “you cannot force me out” kind of arguments. I admire those who want a divorce right away because that’s what these people deserve. I am taking longer but I believe everyone has a different pace and needs the right time to do it.
He is still minimizing his ongoing A. If I were so selfish to engage in A, I would just leave and do whatever. He must have spent so much effort to continue his double life because I found out almost a year later. But now, when I tell him to go and live his fantasy full time, he is just too lazy. I can’t imagine how he was able to continue an A with such laziness. Doesn’t it require so much effort to engage in such a thing for so long!

One thing that bothers me so much is that he still acts as if we are best friends, a special couple. He wants to hang out with me, watch movies etc. I keep my interaction with him minimal. He also treats me as if he cares so much about me. Soft spoken, never argues, generous, wants to but gifts, so you would think he is just perfect. This morning, he even called me my love, and I told him off. I got a little cut on my finger in the kitchen, he was there and panicked as if I was in extreme danger. But when I lost so much weight because of the trauma he caused, I was physically disappearing in front of his eyes, and he couldn’t have cared less.
It’s my understanding that home separation should be about not interacting, and also avoiding each other. I have not heard of a WS, who wants to act like he is in a honeymoon with his spouse, while the spouse only gives cold stares at him.

I am here just to vent. I heard of those who run away without even leaving a note, and there must be also these kind of WSs who are into such sublime acts!

[This message edited by Merti at 1:16 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 4/20/2021 13:19 PM

He may be trying to lovebomb you or use it as a way to blame you for giving up on the M. I don't trust WS's that do this in in house separation almost like there is an ulterior motive.

gmc94 posted 4/20/2021 13:22 PM

Oh Merti, I'm so sorry.

IMO, this is your WH's guilt talking. Most cheaters cannot STAND to see or even think of themselves as the lying cheaters they actually are. So, they'll do whatever it takes to avoid the feelings that come with fucking up the way they did. In their wayward minds, they are still "good" people and "good" partners, even while engaging in such harmful and hurtful behavior.

It's like they burned down your house and want a pat on the shoulder for the lovely flowers they planted.

The vindictive part of me wonders what he's telling his AP about the IHS dynanic... IOW, wonder how the AP would feel if they knew the WS was calling the BS "my love' or the other bologna while telling the AP something different. I suspect they'd just engage the same cognitive dissonance that allows the A to happen to begin with - all the lies about the WS just 'keeping the peace", etc.

Tho I do believe he's not actively in his A, my WH is VERY similar. Treated me like a queen throughout our M and still can't quite understand that his As wipe all of that out. It's confusing AF when they pull that crap.

I pray that he moves out soon so you don't have to deal with this.

Hugs and Godspeed...

Shehawk posted 4/20/2021 13:34 PM

So sorry. My wh still tells the story of how I refused to go to counseling. Umm yes I did because he would not stop lying and living a secret second life...so yes I did refuse to live a lie.

Next para may be triggering but illustrates the disconnect between true remorse and whatever waywards might do to keep us hooked for whatever it is they get from us.

After dd2.1 (sex with stranger #2 that I found out about) he bought me roses,told me he loved me, bought me earrings. Told me he wanted to cuddle (mind you his affair sex is bdsm and fetish). All while lying and still in contact with p/e ap (s) and affair supporters and eap (at a minimum, never caught them having sex just lying to me and way too much private info and time shared).

I said thanks that does not work for me bye bye.

Your mileage may vary but I am so sorry you are going through infidelity. There are many viewpoints expressed on here. I am on team protect yourself a still in the fog active wayward is imho dangerous for me.

Freeme posted 4/20/2021 13:43 PM

He is cakeeating. I'm sure he thinks that treating you well is what is keeping you from Divorce. It doesn't matter if you are cold to him. He still thinks he has a hold on you because..."you can't divorce someone that is so nice."

He doesn't want a divorce he want's to cake eat as long as he can.

Merti posted 4/20/2021 14:44 PM

Crayblindsided you are right, he cannot stand seeing himself as the bad person. It probably gives him comfort that he is greeting every living thing in the street, helping strangers, treating his wife kindly (doesn’t matter for him that A is going on) etc.
gmc94 you couldn’t have been more correct. He will do anything to avoid bad feelings about himself. That’s why every time I wanted to talk about how much I suffered, or wanted to discuss the horrible things he did, he hated it so much. He hated that I was reminding him who he was.

The vindictive part of me wonders what he's telling his AP about the IHS dynanic. IOW wonder how the AP would feel if they knew the WS was calling the BS "my love'

You know, he still wants to sleep with me in the same bed (he clearly doesn’t deserve such a thing) because he says that’s when he feels most peaceful. We share the kitchen and he wants to be next to me when I am in the kitchen, wants to hug etc, and when I ask him what he thinks he is doing, he tells me he never loved anyone like me, he wants to run away with me and start over etc etc. What a ridiculously stupid idea for an Ap to expect loyalty from a man who has cowardly betrayed his wife while she was on cancer treatment.
Freeme, spot on.

He doesn't want a divorce

[This message edited by Merti at 2:59 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 4/20/2021 17:10 PM

You need to shut him down.

Next time he says he loves you - tell him you find it interesting that you love me so much but yet he tells his GF the same thing. Or “you love me so much but you continue to cheat on me”.

When my H decided he wanted fo R on dday2 - I had no intention of staying married to him. So every time he started his “I love you routine” I threw at him the things he said. Like “ILYBNILWY “ and “we are disconnected” and “I thought you didn’t want to be married anymore”.

I let nothing slide. Funny to watch him squirm.

LadyG posted 4/20/2021 19:09 PM

My Stbxwh did the exact same thing and I was sickened by it.

He doesn’t care about me at all... he just had to be extra nice to me to get me to comply with his needs to keep our business and family going.

I saw past his shit. When I stopped being obedient, he turned, became aggressive.

He is unwell now and again walks on tip toes around me.

This is a big turn around for me as I walked on eggshells during our entire marriage.

Things may change after your WS moves out.

Biggest mistake I ever made was to leave. I should have forced him out.

Notaboringwife posted 4/20/2021 19:41 PM

Similar to my experience, a year into his affair I found out. He did not deny it, and had the nerve to say he wanted to stay in the guest bedroom and continue his affair and that he still cared for me!

My exact words to him were; " I will make your life worse than hell should you do that. Go live with your AP, is you find her so interesting,sexy, and interested in you and don't keep telling me you care for me." In my mind other expletive words were playing out!

He left and moved in with her. We were separated for a while. And today we are entering our third year of R.

steadychevy posted 4/20/2021 20:18 PM

I hear something. Yes. It sounds like a vacuum cleaner. A hoover. He's probably trying to hoover you back in.

OwningItNow posted 4/20/2021 20:30 PM

Oh, yes. He wants you as his comfort and friend at home and AP for excitement and romance. Shut it down. Spend zero time with him. Don't let him touch you. Proof that so many WS don't want to get rid of the BS--they want the AP + the BS! Delusionally selfish.

Merti posted 4/20/2021 20:39 PM

Thank you so much all for your responses.
The1st Wife, exactly, I tell him it is ridiculous that he still talks to me like that. Sometimes out of a sudden, he tries to touch me and I move away, and he says “please don’t be scared of me, I won’t hurt you”. I have no idea what kind of a mindset these people have. Then I remind him ILYBNILWY, so that he can put himself together. Then he says, no it’s not true. He even said: Seriously, have said that to you? I can’t believe I said such a thing.

LadyG, I am sorry you went through those experiences. They come back to reality when they are not in a state of having fun with Ap. What is Ap going to do with them when there is no ego stroking and entertainment? My WH tries to bother me with his health concerns occasionally and I tell him I am not interested at all. He can bother those whom he entertains with such details.

Notaboringwife I admire that you immediately told him to put himself together. I unfortunately waited several months hoping that there will be change, but at least I know that I did much more than I should’ve done so I won’t question myself with this seperation. Yes, I am sure he wanted to enjoy his fantasy life when you were around. Suddenly, it wasn’t fun at all when you were not there anymore, and it didn’t take much time for him to figure out that Ap alone was nothing special. Don’t you think how quickly they come to their senses when there is consequences? But if you had let him to be a cake eater, he would’ve continued his fantasy as long as he could. I am glad you taught him to respect you.

[This message edited by Merti at 9:05 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

Merti posted 4/20/2021 20:58 PM

Steadychevy, you made me laugh, thank you:) But you are absolutely correct. He doesn’t want to suffer consequences and is trying to hoover me back in. It must be extremely reassuring to keep me nearby.

OwningItNow, exactly, I am strong as rock and will deal with anything and he knows that. I cared and loved deeply and put his needs before mine. I was there for him no matter what happened. We loved spending time together because we had so much to share and talk about. People envied us, it was a solid, lovely relationship, or so I thought. As you said, comfort and friendship. I don’t think they clearly understand the value of such things. I was thinking that, when you add physical intimacy into such a solid relationship, it would be the type of a marriage that many people dream about. But there is always, always something that is missing for a WS, nothing is enough. Yes, something is missing but it is within themselves. He engaged in A for so long yet he is still not happy. He talks about how unhappy he is. Delusionally selfish, I agree.

[This message edited by Merti at 9:08 PM, April 20th (Tuesday)]

Sceadugenga posted 4/20/2021 22:52 PM

I hear something. Yes. It sounds like a vacuum cleaner. A hoover. He's probably trying to hoover you back in.

Four key concepts come to mind, Merti. Compartmentalisation, cake-eating, hoovering and love-bombing. The last two are characteristic of folks high on the narcissistic scale. As the divorce procedure continues, you might observe a radical change in his attitude: he plays Dr Jekyll now, however, when he realises it's not working, then you might see Mr Hyde come out. Be prepared and watch your step.

CallingSpades posted 4/21/2021 08:55 AM

Scadugenga is correct. I went through this exact evolution, with the hoovering and love bombing while WH tried to hold on to his influence over me and avoid consequences. He drew a portrait of me and wrote letters, like on paper, which he never did once even though we've been long distance on and off throughout the marriage (military).
When I filed for D and he realized he could no longer eat cake, he immediately started collecting evidence that I was trying to keep the kids from him, and began writing weird overly formal emails. No more "I love you, you're still beautiful." He wrote up a proposed divorce agreement with a bunch of little insults sprinkled into what looked on the surface like an even split. Oh, hello Mr. Hyde.
Fortunately for me he is intent on seeing himself as having the moral high ground, so he can't be directly nasty. Be on guard, Merti, and protect yourself financially.

Edited to fix an autocorrect.

rugswept posted 4/21/2021 09:17 AM

Is your WH trying to get into acting?
Go hard 180 on him for a while.
He sounds very fake and not trustworthy at all.

Merti posted 4/21/2021 12:52 PM

Sceadugenga, he is a narc. He himself admits that he is. It is totally okay for him to be in A but he absolutely hates it when I bring that up. He complains that he has to listen to my anger (and I don’t even raise my voice). He cannot be reminded how horrible his behavior is.

CallingSpades these characters would do anything to eat cake. They have to be in the center, and the spouse can suffer physically and mentally, they couldn’t care less.

Rugswept, yes a hard 180 is the only way. I must admit I have done it when I first found out, but it was only to get his attention. It worked wonders. Then he went back to his selfish ways once I was available. This time I have no such interest, I will be doing a hard 180 only for myself.