SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After DDay, the way you reacted,

Do you wish you responded differently?

Yes, and no.

I think I was so shocked, I wasn’t really in control of my response, I just reacted

Upon subsequent DDays, the shock was absent, but the rage eruption was enormous.

I think it was due to HIS evil and my remorse for giving him the noose to hang our relationship by offering reconciliation

You?

It’s like a soldier going into battle for the first time. If you get through it the first time, your second time will be different.

I handled it OK, largely thanks to advice on this board where I was basically live broadcasting the events leading up to confrontation on DDay. I got a nearly immediate and complete confession/timeline. She gave me her phone, location, transparency, etc. Said she would change jobs... but ultimately that took some more time...

Post DDay I should have gone harder, and stuck more to my guns instead of compromising to the point of breaking myself.

First time (dday1) I was blindsided and reeling.

Dday2 I was a force to be reckoned with. And he was the one blindsided.

He was begging to reconcile. I refused. I wished I could have stepped over him as he lay crying on the floor like he did to me the day after dday1. No remorse or regard. None.

I wish I had waited and gathered more evidence before letting him know. I initially confronted him while he was on a hiking trip via text and then it took him hours and hours to get home. I have absolutely no doubt that he kept stopping because he thought of things he needed to delete. He denies it of course. I feel like I would have a better idea of how far things actually went had I just been able to stay calm a bit longer.

Next time (if there is one) I will be f'ing ninja.

I did not learn of the affair until five years after it was undoubtedly over and there had been NC for many years. I learned by way of a confession upon a direct question.

I wish, in retrospect, that I had dealt more harshly with what I knew to be lies. I probably could have accelerated the full and final disclosure.

Some things I handled well -ie the email to OW to back off (and me telling her if she wanted a pic of my husband's balls, she should ask) while the same time landing them both in the shit at work. Also me being lazer-eyed on getting full custody of my kiddos. Some other less. I wish I hadn't gone in a depression and grieved about my marriage. Because I grieved only bad memories anyway, and was given, finally, the chance to live MY life on MY term

Sometimes the worst times are the bests also. Never been so true!

I went from desperately trying for a R, to having a text war (while we're in the same house) full of anger, to resolution and being civil/nice until she finally moves out and I can heal.

I gave my WH time and space to sort things out because I knew that he had been dealing with some really tough things in his life. He was torn between me and the AP and I was doing the pick me dance. After six months, I was really sick of being part of this love triangle. I switched to the pick her dance, and filed for divorce. That's when he suddenly decided he didn't want the AP and he wanted to save the marriage. That was Dday one.

On Dday two, I went straight to the pick her dance. I don't know if I handled things "correctly" but I handled things the only way I knew how to at the time. I don't regret how I handled things.

I was sooooo shell-shocked! I wish I had kicked him out immediately. He never had to fully grovel for a second chance. That might have had some entertainment value and been empowering. Even though he showed himself to be R-worthy right away I wish I had made him work harder for even the chance. I wish I had confronted AP#1, who was a friend. Probably best I didn’t. But I wish I had. (AP#2 confessed and cried, and that at least gave me some closure on the friendship that I never got with the other).

Next time (if there is one) I will be f'ing ninja.

This!

I found out going through her phone while she was drunk and passed out. I tossed the phone on her chest and asked who the hell was this?

She was so drunk she didn't wake up. So I guess I don't regret anything I did immediately.

A week later I bought her a card telling her I forgave her. That I regret. I wish I had leveled some meaningful consequences at her then... Some boundaries. Then again I had never thought about it before. How could I know?

I regret my reaction, but given the very few tools I had back then, it was the only reaction I could have given.

Like many here, I was so shocked i didn't know what to do. I think I was too soft on her because i was so afraid of losing her. in looking back, I really wish I just walked away. I think I'd be in a much better place now if I did. Don't hate her or wish her any ill will, just there really isn't the same feeling. It's hard to explain and it's driving me crazy, I wish I was done with her but at the same time, I can't imagine her not being there. it really screws up your mind.

Looking back i know i handled pretty much the entire first year after dday wrong.. I allowed my WW to take the lead on things.. To trickle truth me.. To keep contact and even still go away with the AP.. The things we do to try and nice them back and play the pick me dance.

Then i got angry... Really angry.. Like white hot, how tf can you be ok with doing this angry. She got very upset because i had allowed her to get away with so much and now was requesting pretty tough boundaries.. I wish i had done the following on dday

1. Left her for a week or so

2. Made a list of demands to even consider R

3. Started the filing process to prove i was serious

4. Made her choose there and then who she wants in her life

5. No physical contact till she had stdvtest results

6. Demanded access to ALL electronics and passwords

But i didnt.. So the process dragged on far longer than it ever should..

You live and learn tbh.

I did not know about this site on DDay. Man, I certainly wish I had. So I did a lot wrong.

Recap of my story: WH left me out of the blue in Aug 18. Was gone for 5 months. Of course I asked non stop about the fact this had to be about another woman. Denial. Lies. Lies. Lies. Claimed he needed to "figure out what he wanted with his life." etc...

I was unknowingly doing the pick me dance during that time because I thought he WAS depressed, sad, in crisis. He came home (once the A was over in hindsight).

Late July of 2020, I found out what had gone on. So it was DD2 and negated my welcoming him home so gracefully and with joy.

He is changing as a person (for the better). I am changing as a person to look out for myself much better. It's early days and we are in R. We have moved far far away from where we lived. His AP lived in another city (I can't tell you the pain and shock when I found that out).

Again, this site would have helped me so much at every stage. I hope more people find it exactly when they need it. I would have been less fear-based, more protective of myself and more sure of what an amazing partner I am. Because I am.

Yes. I should have walked the first time I caught her emailing someone about a date...we worked it out.

I should have exploded when a random guy called my # asking for her and she got the biggest OMG deer in the headlights look, took the phone, yelled at him never to call her again, and hung up, telling me it was a stalker from class...

She dropped me and married him less than 6 months later...

I caught her and didn't realize it. My D day, I was oblivious...I just trusted what she said and that was that. We were together for years. We were planning to get married, had talked about kids, naming them, houses...

In retrospect, she likely cheated several times with this guy and I knew he existed in the work sense...he was someone she "tutored" on a course...she had reasons to go to his house, classwork, papers to proofread as he had "special needs" and she was assigned by the college to help him complete his work. She was paid to do it, so why would I ask questions...

Looking back, I had several D days...I just failed to see them or know they were happening.

Later on, she showed up at my door after I had moved several states away. Sob story, sorry, got an annulment, said she was scared because she was pregnant and that's why she went to him...but lost the baby...and now wanted to show me she loved me.

There were some odd moments...I asked where she went on her honeymoon and she took him to a place we went together...a very specific place...and by luck or intent, ended up in the exact same room we stayed in...and had sex with him in the same bed...super odd.

Needless to say, that didn't work out.

She found an obese (morbidly obese) real estate agent and wifed him up quickly. They seem happy as they have been together for years and have kids now. Odd, she seems like a totally different person than the one I knew for so many years.

I wish I had left the first time but it was *only* text flirting with a random woman on fb. I was in such complete shock, that I had to believe it was anomalous behavior. The fact that it appeared totally out of character for the man I knew him to be was a sign that he wasn't the man I knew him to be and had deep, dark issues. I wish I realized that. I wish I'd snooped then and found out about all the women he'd already slept with. Instead, I chose to believe his dumb excuses and endure another 18 months of cognitive dissonance before finding the truth.

The shock was so enormous I couldn't function. I believed with every fiber of my being that my XWH was incapable of cheating, that he adored me, etc.

I did everything wrong. But there was no SI back then. I did the 'pick me' dance, I fell so hard to pieces that sometimes I cannot believe I survived. When she returned, I set no boundaries... just a terrible job.

It feels odd to be responding to this post because there was never a Dday in the conventional sense, while he was here on the premises. His 'depression' waS the cloak he hid behind and I wish I had pulled it off. There were so many red flags he explained away, I wish I had pushed harder and said Bullshit, but he was so convincing. Like his phone never being on when he was out, a weird message on his phone he said was wrong number, the names of girls with tacky lipstick kisses beside them in his contacts, which he said must have belonged to our teenage daughter as he had taken her phone when she got an upgrade. Please! She doesn't have friends like that...The woman who called the house who, when I called back, denied calling. He was up to so much shit it beggars belief. It is humiliating to think all this was happening under my nose. I trusted him. I thought he loved me but was struggling with demons.

[This message edited by Graphite at 1:38 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

She found an obese (morbidly obese) real estate agent and wifed him up quickly. They seem happy as they have been together for years and have kids now.

She has kids. Maybe her husband does, maybe not.

I also did everything wrong. My boundaries got pushed back and I allowed it. I was so scared to leave and did not want MOW raising my kids. I should have kicked him out and never looked back. Gotten full custody of the kids. Hindsight sigh.