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People with boundary issues

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shellshocked14 posted 4/7/2021 09:32 AM

I recently went in a couple of dates with a girl I went to high school with. We were never romantically linked in the past so no baggage carried over. She is a VP at a bank, been divorced 18 months, very beautiful and seemed to have her house in order. She came over to my place for dinner Saturday and after chatting for a while she said she wanted to discuss something with me. She said she liked me very much and wanted to see more of me and possibly pursue a relationship but she had an unexpected complication pop up. So she proceeded to tell me that she and a married male coworker had become close friends and after she told him about going out on dates w me he had confessed his love to her. She said she had feelings for him also but she knew nothing could ever happen between them. She proceeded to tell me his sob story about a wife with mental illness and how he would be broke if he divorced her, blah blah blah.
I told her that any chance we might have had for a relationship was gone. I don’t pair up with women who have horrible boundaries and that I wanted a nice and simple life not some messy drama filled soap opera. I also told her that she was involved in something that she needed to remove herself from ASAP. She had given up the right to have any type of normal relationship by allowing a married man to dictate what she did outside of their friendship. I told her that she was only hearing what he wanted her to hear and that there was another side of the story she was completely ignorant to. I told her exactly how this would play out. She would eventually sleep with him and that everything she thought she knew about this guy would be a farce. I did tell her that I appreciated her honesty and that we no longer needed to see each other on a romantic level.
At least she gave me the chance to dodge that bullet.

Karmafan posted 4/7/2021 09:52 AM

Wow you did have a lucky escape on that one! I think the real issue, as far as you are concerned, is that she confessed to having feelings for someone else. There was no need to add or explain any more after that. You were actually very gracious listening to her and giving her advice. I would have just cut the date short.

Someone telling you, I want to pursue a relationship with you but I am in love with someone else I can’t have...I don’t call that honesty. I call that being a delusional drama queen

[This message edited by Karmafan at 9:56 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

AnnieOakley posted 4/7/2021 10:38 AM

Interesting that she offered up all of the details, assuming she knows the basics of why you are D’d. Not that it makes any difference but I truly wonder how she expected you to react!

Wonder if she needs to feel that men are competing for her?

Classic case of her showing you exactly who she is, glad you listened and your boundaries are firmly in place.

I’ve gotten quite good at stating boundaries in attempting to online date, amazing what people will try to gaslight you with.

shellshocked14 posted 4/7/2021 11:00 AM

I had been very upfront about the reason for my D. I think in her mind because she stated they could never be together that I would be willing to overlook her feelings for him. She guessed wrong.

JanaGreen posted 4/7/2021 11:28 AM

Holy SHIT I'm glad you dodged that bullet

Westway posted 4/7/2021 11:50 AM

Wow. She showed you immediately what a monkey-brancher she is. She already has one guy on the hook, but because she doesn't think he will pan out for her, she's trying to line you up to swing to. The entitlement of these women today just absolutely astonishes me.

And the fact that she was even aiming her sights at a married man shows you the level of her morals. Good for you for not stepping into her trap.

[This message edited by Westway at 11:51 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

grubs posted 4/7/2021 12:56 PM

I think in her mind because she stated they could never be together that I would be willing to overlook her feelings for him. She guessed wrong.

I'd be wondering if she had been the wayward in her previous marriage. She definitely has wayward boundaries.
EDIT:
And a VP considering a relationship with a co-worker .... Either that co-worker is subordinate and problematic for the VP outside AP being married or same level or above and money issues is not a reason for AP not getting a D either way red flags are stacking up.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:12 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

ZenMumWalking posted 4/7/2021 15:24 PM

Did I hear somebody say 'plan B'?????????

You. are. so. lucky.

JanaGreen posted 4/7/2021 17:21 PM

I cannot imagine the hell that somebody like that would put a partner through after they indicated that they would be okay with her having these kind of feelings for a married coworker just because apparently they can't be together. To me that seems like a test on her part to see how much crap she can get away with. I'm not sure I am expressing what I'm trying to say very well.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/8/2021 07:27 AM

Wonder if she needs to feel that men are competing for her?

Sounds a bit like triangulation to me! She feels the need, and she wants YOU to feel it. Look how desirable I am... Even married men want me!!

And the BS has mental illness... Page 76 of the cheater's handbook. Men have been calling their wives crazy since the beginning of time. Back in the day, they could simply make that claim and have them locked away forever, leaving them free to pursue other women. 🤮🤮🤮. I find it comical that (not all, of course) men are still trying this shit How unoriginal.

They are already having an EA. I bet this will quickly become a PA. Star-crossed lovers in the workplace and all that garbage...

Shellshocked, congratulations on averting an oncoming train! Bravo! Next!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:29 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]

Westway posted 4/8/2021 08:45 AM

What would Bruce Banner say?

"Her head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on her."

Karmafan posted 4/8/2021 09:10 AM

And the BS has mental illness... Page 76 of the cheater's handbook. Men have been calling their wives crazy since the beginning of time. I find it comical that (not all, of course) men are still trying this shit How unoriginal

This ^^^^

grubs posted 4/8/2021 09:32 AM

Why would you consider someone who at a VP level would even consider a relationship with a coworker? Married or not. That shows they are someone with either majorly flawed ethics or judgement.

Chaos posted 4/8/2021 11:07 AM

You dodged a bullet.

She hit every cliché

shellshocked14 posted 4/8/2021 19:59 PM

Just to add a couple of things, i did warn her that this “friend” was grooming her to have a physical affair. I told her that it was an old cheaters trick, find an attractive woman who will lend a sympathetic ear, tell her a sob story about how horrible your marriage is and how you are trapped by circumstances, worm your way into her bed and slink off into the night looking for the next notch on the bed post. I told her that the idea of the unattainable person is a giant turn on but the reality seldom if ever lives up to the hype. Maybe she listened, maybe she didn’t. Not my problem. I said what I felt was right and what she does now is on her.

The1stWife posted 4/8/2021 20:23 PM

Wow!!! She’s just not as good as you thought. I guess she never expected you to give her a different perspective. Good for you!

BetrayedGamer posted 4/9/2021 13:14 PM

IMO moral compatibility should be up there in the "must haves" category for a quality relationship. When pursuing someone, always look at the things they do/believe in and say to yourself, "would I have done the same/believed the same?".

I've made the poor choices of having a relationship purely on attraction and ignored the moral conflicts, thinking I could either change the person or just "live with it" and it's ended in disaster everytime.

Anna123 posted 4/9/2021 17:23 PM

Whoo hoo! Good job!!

Interesting that she offered up all of the details, assuming she knows the basics of why you are D’d. Not that it makes any difference but I truly wonder how she expected you to reac

I dated a guy that was always telling me stories about different cheaters he knew ---WTF---

CaliforniaNative posted 4/12/2021 13:20 PM

I am vaccinated and went out with a friend. Two men close to my age, one married and one engaged both tried to get me to hook up with them. Very aggressive towards me. Both on business trips staying at a nearby hotel. Horrible.

It triggered me in a way I can explain. It felt dirty and now I am “judgmental”. When I brought up their marital status - I was told “who cares”.

skeetermooch posted 4/12/2021 13:51 PM

Sounds like triangulating to me. Narcissists love to tweak your jealousy, so you'll compete for their love. I wouldn't assume she's naive to the married coworker's intentions - if that story's even true.

When we were dating my XWH constantly talked about a colleague/friend. He'd tell stories about her in which she was clearly coming on to him and pretend to not get her intentions. Come to find out - they were involved quite mutually. It was all some sick emotional manipulation for more kibbles from me. I never took the bait because I didn't really care at that time as we were just getting to know each other but man, I wish I'd paid attention and seen it for the red flag that it was.

You dodged a bullet!!

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