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I'm going to lose it

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DanielJK posted 4/5/2021 10:02 AM

Butforthegrace is probably right...

Dang it!

Thanks everyone else for the replies.

I get the 50/50 split and I have no problem with it...however, I told her over 2 months ago that I CAN'T AFFORD THE HOUSE IF WE DO 50/50!

She knew this two months ago and now tells me no deal. I just feel like 2 months were wasted. I could have been looking for alternative housing during this time. I'm just so sick of waiting...I can't get on with life until we are separated. I want to move on with my life.

Now I'm coming up on dday anniversary, I had hoped that STBXWW would be out of my life by that day.

blahblahblahe posted 4/5/2021 10:31 AM

Daniel

In a divorce there is really isn't much in the way of kindness or regard for the other side. I can assure your XW simply doesn't give a damn about your issues/problems whether or not she caused them.

You are either the hammer or the nail, not many other ways of thinking about it.

Stop concerning yourself with making a "fair" deal, the world will already have other ideas on that. Worry about yourself, you are the only person who will be doing so.

I do not recommend female attorneys for a man in divorce, I had one woman as part of my 3 lawyer team, I wanted competence without any other agendas outside of my best interest, thus I kept her limited in scope. A good legal team is worth its weight in gold. Do not be afraid to have direct conversations about your expectations and if you feel something amiss, show them the door.

A good lawyer makes you feel better after you have met with them. Not because they kissed your hump, but because they have a plan, you see and understand the plan, and most importantly YOU believe in the plan.

I was extremely ruthless in my divorce from my XW, while is causes scarring in its own right, but as I have learned here, my scars are far less than those who tried to be kind.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/5/2021 12:33 PM

It sucks having to keep being around the cheater. I thought I had it rough having to pull 2 months, can't imagine what a year would be like.

I think you're just caught in a bad situation, sell as-is and get out of there quicker, or fix it up for more profit but prolong the suffering. Only you can really make that decision.

If it helps, keep venting here. I'm finding it's helping me. We're all in this together, each with a unique situation but also with a lot of commonalities.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/5/2021 12:53 PM

Daniel,

From a practical standpoint, housing is really crazy right now. If you were to sell, you can sell without fixing much bc its a sellers market. You'd get top dollar right now for your place if you head down this road, but you then have to rent.

If you keep the house, you can refinance and cut her a check and still keep the place. I think you need to run the numbers. Rent is also very high right now, so you might be able to keep the house, and still pay something similar to rent without having to move.

Now look, it sucks to have to cut her a check, but don't spite yourself here. A house provides for a lot of security for the kids, you and tax advantages. If you work it out with your WW, you can either refi the house, or take out an equity line to pay her, either of those options includes interest write off. I like to look at things from a practical standpoint, and although it may suck to cut her a check, you may really be better off keeping the place.

-Rent is high, you may end up paying a rental that is similar to your mortgage without the breaks.

-You will have to move

-You may not find a good place to rent.

-No tax advantages to renting

Just remember, if you get your house appraised, make sure that the appraiser knows of all the issues that need repairing when they pen that number. It'll help your cause to have a lower appraisal.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/5/2021 13:31 PM

That's a good point...the home equity loan. I know when I was looking at the numbers in my situation that was an option the loan officer presented to me...refi the house (which usually is max to 20 percent of existing value) then get a home equity loan right afterwards. The downside is it can be more expensive that way short term...you're making two payments instead of one. But it's a good way to get that extra 20 percent up to the house value.

Anna123 posted 4/5/2021 13:39 PM

I'm just so sick of waiting...I can't get on with life until we are separated. I want to move on with my life.

Just be careful to not let this influence getting less than you legally are entitled to. A few more months is nothing compared to leaving too much on the table. Also, they shouldn't be using current sales numbers for home value if you end up keeping it. It needs to be averaged out over a longer period of time.

This0is0Fine posted 4/5/2021 14:10 PM

Time to go nuclear. Ask your lawyer about for cause. It's available in CT.

DanielJK posted 4/5/2021 14:30 PM

It really is an awful time to be buying.

I'm going to have a real estate agent look at the house. I'll get his thoughts on the situation.

I have thought about the refi option. That would let me get some equity out of the house to pay her off. But I'm still stuck with the house that needs work. The amount of work the house needs stresses me out. Best case for me, she comes down on her number and I refi, get a little equity out and keep the monthly payment about the same on a 15 year mortgage.

One thing that bothers me about the situation is we're both in our 50s. If we both have to buy a house we're likely back to 30 year mortgages...we'll be paying for the houses until we're in our 80s if we live that long. I know there will be equity built up again...but I want to leave a legacy for my kids. That is what probably hurts me the most, what do I leave behind for my kids? It would be so much more if we stayed together.

The thing about the check I would have to pay her is that now they are saying (STBXWW and attorney) that I don't have to cut her a fat check...I can do some by check, then transfer some from my IRA (ouch). I might go that route and have more money in my pocket currently and take a hit on the IRA to get her to move along. The market has been good, so that helps...but I also miss out on the market gains that move to her.

Halftime, the house was appraised and I raised the issues. Appraiser said she prices it based on the functioning of the house at the moment as she sees it. For example the septic is 43 years old (and I know it is on the verge of beginning to fail), but she said "it works now, so that's all I need to know." Average life of a septic system is 15-40 years, it's at 43 years. Cost to replace? About 25k. Roof is 20 years old, appraiser says "well that's expected normal maintenance on a house."

I'll see where this lands me. Trying to play hard ball at the moment, but it may backfire. I'm hoping she comes down on her number. She doesn't want the house and at the same time she wants me to keep it for the kid's sake.

Another thing about my attorney. Every time I contact her, it takes a minimum of 48 hours to get back to me. I'm really starting to get pissed.

EllieKMAS posted 4/5/2021 16:08 PM

DJK my mom is thinking and worrying about her money situation and how much she will leave my sister and I whenever she goes. Honestly, for me, I just want her to have enough for us to take care of her as she ages, I don't give a damn if I get an inheritance someday.

As for the rest of it. It sucks and it isn't fair at all, but bear in mind - what price freedom? Getting free of this situation is priceless. You will make more money and getting into a better living situation free of her drama is worth whatever it costs to get you there. By all means, look after your own interests as much as you can but if it comes down to an extra 10k to get clear just pay it. I promise, you won't regret it.

Sanibelredfish posted 4/5/2021 17:06 PM

DJK, from what youíve said it seems youíd be ok with selling and downsizing. If Iíve got that right, I have 2 questions for you. Why does your STBXW want you to keep the house? Why do you care what your STBXW wants? Am I missing something? Just sell that fucker, split the cash, and move on down the line! One step closer to indifference.

DanielJK posted 4/5/2021 17:42 PM

Sanibelredfish

I think she wants me to keep it for the kid's sake...some continuity and familiarity for the kids.

What do I care? I really don't. But I like the house and if I can get away with a deal in my favor I'm going to take it. Right now the deal is not in my favor, so no deal regardless of what she wants. Fuck her.

Ellie... I know, I often think "I'll live in a van down by the river if it gets STBXWW and AP out of my life." I don't know what I'm going to do. Now it's a waiting game again...wait for the fucking attorneys to do something...I hate waiting for them. Fuckers!

Thanks for the support. I'm starting to get the intense anxiety i had right after dday and it sucks. But now it's anxiety to get the fuck out of this situation. I know some of you know this hell...words cannot describe the special kind of hell this is.

asc1226 posted 4/5/2021 20:34 PM

I know some of you know this hell...words cannot describe the special kind of hell this is.

Yes, either Dante wasnít creative enough to describe this particular circle of hell, or he didnít see the need to unduly frighten his readers.

guvensiz posted 4/5/2021 23:19 PM

You can say that it's okay for you to sell the house, that you are considering keeping it because of her suggestion, and that you offered that figure only because you can afford to pay that much, otherwise, you have other plans with the money from the sale of the house. If she asks about your plans, say it doesn't concern her, actually except your kids nothing in your life does concern her.
I know these keep you busy enough, but how is life going beyond that? Are you thinking of new beginnings? Don't think this would be unethical, your marriage is long over by her.

DanielJK posted 4/6/2021 06:28 AM

Guvensiz

Thanks for asking. Things are good otherwise. I work for a great company with great people who have supported me through this. They all know what I am going through and ask how I'm doing and offer help all the time. They are wonderful people.

Kids are straight As in school.

And I get excited now and then thinking about meeting someone new and new beginnings. That's what's giving me anxiety at the moment. I want so badly to move on, it's been 11 months of hell...but I can't move on while I'm still living with her. It sucks so bad.

DanielJK posted 4/6/2021 07:58 AM

OK, I may be seeing why my attorney thinks I'm trying to "punish" my STBXWW.

I have a brokerage account with securities in it. I was worried about a market crash, so I liquidated the securities. Most of the money now sits in cash.

I get an email today from my attorney today asking "where did the money go" and reminding me that the automatic court orders do not allow me to make "withdrawals."

Did she actually think I was trying to get money out to "stick it to" my STBXWW?

The money didn't "go" anywhere and I didn't make "withdrawals" you fucking moron.

I told her several days ago that I liquidated most of the account because of my fear of a market crash. If you follow the market and know anything about investing, I think you would agree that being this close to a divorce settlement and the market run up we've had recently...moving money to cash is a good idea...not just a good idea but a fantastic idea and the right thing to do for both me AND my STBXWW. It preserves the funds for now until we settle.

Seriously, WTF?

BetrayedGamer posted 4/6/2021 10:34 AM

And I get excited now and then thinking about meeting someone new and new beginnings. That's what's giving me anxiety at the moment. I want so badly to move on, it's been 11 months of hell...but I can't move on while I'm still living with her. It sucks so bad.

I'm right there with ya. Resisting the urge to to anything online until she's gone (although honestly I would be blameless if I did). I actually did join one site weeks ago and have gotten several messages. I intended to just "lurk" for a while.

barcher144 posted 4/6/2021 10:52 AM

To add insult to injury I was talking to my attorney on Friday. I told her I can't keep the house, STBXWW is not walking away with a fat check from me while I get stuck with a house that needs work. She (my attorney) said something about me wanting to "punish her." I sensed attitude and maybe a little anti male bias. When someone says to hire a "shark attorney" isn't that what they mean? Hire someone who is going to punish your opponent? WTF kind of comment is that to make? From someone who is supposed to be on my side.

I told her several days ago that I liquidated most of the account because of my fear of a market crash. If you follow the market and know anything about investing, I think you would agree that being this close to a divorce settlement and the market run up we've had recently...moving money to cash is a good idea...not just a good idea but a fantastic idea and the right thing to do for both me AND my STBXWW. It preserves the funds for now until we settle.

One thing that you might want to do is to start looking for a new attorney. It seems that you do not trust your attorney and your attorney does not trust you. A piece of advice if you decide to change attorneys... keep your current attorney while interviewing new attorneys. Then, let your new attorney fire your old attorney. That way, you always have a lawyer...

Also, to be clear, I would STRONGLY RECOMMEND that you consult your attorney before making financial transactions like this. Whether you are up to GOOD or up to NO GOOD, your actions look like you are up to NO GOOD. You can mitigate those issues by discussing them with your attorney first.

Also, stop saying that you cannot afford the house. It very much sounds like you can afford the house... it's just that you don't want to afford the house (i.e., you'd rather spend your money elsewhere -- that's fine but say it like that!).

Finally, divorces are NOT a sprint... they are a marathon. You need to get your emotions under control and you need to be prepared to spend a lot of money to get a reasonable resolution and you need to be prepared for it to take a long time.

You also have to stop looking at the marital possessions and thinking that it is all yours. It isn't. It's half yours, half hers. You need to make sure that you get your half and that you get out with your sanity (if not your money).


ShutterHappy posted 4/6/2021 11:24 AM

DanielJK,

I assume divorce lawyers see hundreds of divorces. I bet a good chunk of clients donít want to give half and try to hide money one way or another. I donít think itís personal.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/6/2021 12:39 PM

Daniel,

I forget if the house is currently in your name, or is it in both of your names? This was the tip my attorney gave me. Fix everything you need to fix, while you both own it. So if the septic needs to be replaced, fix the damn thing bc the ex is on the hook for half of the cost to fix it. She is still on title, so until she is off, she needs to help pay for half of the repairs.

I'd go about it like this. Call up your local handyman/septic company and ask them to quote you the price to fix/bring up to date the septic tank.

Anything else you need done at the house, get that quote. Bring the quote to your attorney, and just tell HER that this is broken and needs fixing. Tell her that you'll have to get this fix, and that the ex, if still on title should have to pay half. Even if the ex says to sell, well, the new buyer is going to want that fixed right?

So get the shit fixed, have your WW pitch in to pay half. Since youve already got it appraised, then you use that value to buy her out, refi, pay her her portion and stay in your place. If something is broken and needs fixing, she is on the hook. If its not broken, then she'll just ask you to hold up. So check to make sure its broken.

gmc94 posted 4/6/2021 18:12 PM

Daniel - Not saying you have a wonderful - or awful - attorney. I am suggesting that you consider that the attorney - if she's been in the biz for any length of time - has probably been lied to in numbers that might rival the BSs here on SI (IOW a heckuva LOT of lying goes on in a D, whether or not anyone had an A).

Consider that those questions, and even the comments, are NOT personal to you. Oddly, it's kind of a way to protect you. Asking about selling being punishment may also be voicing a concern your attorney has that the JUDGE may see selling the house as punishment, or - worse IMHO - the judge would see it as sacrificing your kids to "get back" at your STBXWW. It's your attorney's job to flesh some of that out so that s/he can present YOUR best case to the judge, who will know even less about you personally, your STBXWW, or your kids, than your lawyer.

A courthouse's wheels move slowly. I can certainly understand & appreciate your frustration. I'd be in fear of "losing it" myself.

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