SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you refi I'd definitely try to get some maintenance thrown into the agreement. That way she's paying half of it out of her share. If you put it off, do it after the D, then you end up paying 100 percent.

I get an email today from my attorney today asking "where did the money go" and reminding me that the automatic court orders do not allow me to make "withdrawals."

Get a new lawyer, first she is not entirely accurate in this statement, second her putting in writing to you in email is disturbing.

Actually that part is true, also here in CO. I've had both a lawyer and the court clerk explain to me that once the divorce is filed they scrutinize any big changes in the shared financial world. I was smart and removed mine from all investments (as a beneficiary) before I filed. He may have done the same.

If it was done after the filing, I believe it's ok as long as it's listed in the financial disclosures of the court documents. Switching an investment to cash shouldn't matter, as it still retains the same value, just won't move with the markets.

Barcher144

I did tell my attorney that I was liquidating securities because I was worried about the market and told her before I did it. She said nothing. Somehow, she interpreted this to mean I was taking money out. Why she didn’t say anything at the time if that’s what she thought I was doing is beyond me. My frustration is that she does not know what “liquidating securities” means. Perhaps I expect too much. I’ve had 2 investment advisors tell me that I would be stupid not to put that money in cash. Doing my best to keep emotions under control, I know you’ve been through this, so I welcome your input. Trying to be patient, but when the deal changed after discussing it for 4 months, it’s a little hard to take.

ShutterHappy

I’m starting to wonder. She put an awful lot of detail into the email she sent to me. I think it was a CYA move. She’s making me very nervous. Also, someone with a basic understanding of investments would know what it means to “liquidate a security.” Quite different from, “I’m withdrawing money.” Good point, I will keep it in mind…you and gmc95 may be on to something.

Halftime

House is in both names. Not sure what I’m going to do here. We started this negotiation 4 months ago and I thought we had a deal…then the attorney convinced her that is was not a good deal. I think it is a good example of an attorney looking to get the most for the wife without considering what’s best for the family. I would have no problem with splitting everything 5050…she should have told me that 4 months ago when I thought we had a deal. Now to waste more time on getting quotes to fix things and actually fixing them is just more time I have to spend in this shitty place…I don’t want to waste more time only to have her tell me again, “well it’s not ‘fair’ I actually want this”…I think I’m just going to say sell as-is. I need to get the fuck out of this hell hole. I’m also tired of her getting some control back, one of the reasons I filed was to take control of my situation and get out of infidelity. Here I am still stuck in this nightmare.

Gmc95

You make a good point. I often image myself standing in front of a judge or on the witness stand…what would I say? What is my story? It’s not punishment and it’s not a way of getting back at her despite the kids. If I stay in the house without what I believe to be a fair deal I will be miserable, it stresses me out big time to think about the work needed and not being able to afford it on one income. What I’m comfortable with should matter here. Why is it OK for her to walk away with a fat check that will give her a nice down payment on a house that does not need work? Why is it OK for her to have a place to live that she does not have to worry about updating, but not OK for me? Why can’t I be happy? Point taken though, thank you.

Betrayedgamer

Thanks for your continued input and support. I know you are going through this shit storm too. The issue of refinancing the mortgage has not come up and I’m surprised…but shhhhh, I’m not saying anything. If I end up with the house and favorable terms, I’ll refi and get some cash out. Also, you're right going to cash in a brokerage account should not matter, in fact I told my attorney that I was doing that…I don’t think she understood what I was saying.

I believe any financial advisor would say move the assets to cash. The market has been good, you have gains, do the best you can to move to cash and minimize capital gains. Which is what I did. I still hold several positions that have significant capital gains, but most of the account is in cash. We have not had a significant market correction in a long time, it’s not a question of if…it’s when. If it happens in the next month or two both STBXWW and I are protected...it benefits both of us. I'd rather miss losing a few thousand on the upside, then losing 10s of thousands on the downside.

Blahblahblahe

The more I think about it, the more it concerns me that she put this in an email. It was VERY detailed. I think it was a CYA move, WTF? CYA = adversarial in my book. I think I’m going to respond to it again today with very pointed questions about “what is your specific advice for me (that I am paying for)?” “what do you think the best move for me is?” “What are you doing at the moment to ensure that the result of this is in my best interests?”

Why is it OK for her to walk away with a fat check that will give her a nice down payment on a house that does not need work? Why is it OK.....

It's not OK. It's just not. And there's little we - as BSs - can do about that part.

IMHO, the court system is just not equipped to address the inequity of infidelity WRT divorce. Judges - and lawmakers - could use a good edumaeffingcation about relational betrayal trauma, etc. BS should be treated similarly to victims of domestic physical assault. That's my opinion. Doesn't change anything. Doesn't change the law that basically condones infidelity by viewing both parties as "equals" in a D and assuming that the M (or BS) is somehow responsible (or at least equally responsible) for the infidelity. It is what it is.

You are in "the system" of D and it sucks. It can exacerbate feeling powerless - which is the same feeling of being a BS. And I think that is where some reframing may help. As much as it may cost (financially, emotionally, etc) at the end of the day, you will be out of infidelity and be on with YOUR life, which is - in the words of Visa - priceless.

If we both have to buy a house we're likely back to 30 year mortgages.

Just because everyone does it doesn't make it the only choice. At this stage of life that interest may not make sense anymore.

You are used to your house/lifestyle and believe it is normal for you. You can re-frame that the same way you re-framed your perception of your wife.

The least expensive home is the best for all of your finances going forward. A smaller home or condo in a slightly cheaper neighborhood equals less in the coming years in taxes, repairs, utilities, insurance, maintenance, roof, in addition to the exorbitant interest.

I'm fine with a 50 50 split, I really am.

And I'm not so concerned about the "fairness" in regard to the infidelity, of course it bothers me but I know the courts don't care and the law is the law...no matter what I want or say or do, it's 50 50.

We had a deal. Granted, a deal that favored me.

She wants to reneg on the deal, fine. She is entitled to half of everything. That is crystal clear to me. I have no interest in fighting the law and I'm not going to argue against it.

What bothers me most is that she now says: "I want half of everything." I say fine.

I say: "I can't afford (or not comfortable with keeping) the house if we split 50 50, so we have to sell it" ... and I get "you monster" "you're just vindictive" "you're trying to 'punish' your STBXWW."

I even received a text form her that said "I don't know what you think you gain by selling the house." ... I'm just not comfortable keeping the house if we do a 50 50 split. Why is it not OK for me to do that without having a guilt trip laid on me?

Cheaters try to continuously hurt the victim so that they feel better about themselves...I'm going through the same thing. There's nothing to feel guilty about is this is her bed that she made, you're following the law. It's pretty clearly stated that if you have to sell a house in order to reach 50/50, then that's what you do, if you can't afford any other options.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 12:56 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

I don't know what you think you gain by selling the house."

“I gave you the terms I needed to make it work with a house that will need extensive maintenance in the near future. Since you no longer think that’s fair, a straight 50/50 split is fine with me. What I gain or lose is, by your choice, no longer any concern of yours.”

Or silence. Silence works too.

I even received a text form her that said "I don't know what you think you gain by selling the house."

You are divorcing. You do not owe her an explanation for ANYTHING you are doing. So don't waste your time. If she asks, as asc said, ignore, or just tell her "It's my life and you're no longer a part of it. I'll make decisions for myself".

Is your attorney still on the "punishing your STBXWW" crap? If so, fire them immediately. If they don't trust you, they shouldn't be representing you, because it means they are second guessing you and you can't trust THEM. If it is a friend, then they are actually not a friend.

If you don't want to keep the home for any reason, that is all YOU need. Your kids will be fine because they have a loving father who is going to take care of them, wherever they live. If you need to move because it causes you stress, you are better off and you'll be a better father WITHOUT dealing with the stress of the renovations.

Focus on yourself, keep standing up for yourself and ignore your STBXWW as much as possible.

I guess I missed something. If she doesn’t want the house, why the hell does she care what you do with it?

I guess I missed something. If she doesn’t want the house, why the hell does she care what you do with it?

To keep the kids routine. You know how waywards first priority is always family./s

At fault divorce is available in CT for adultery. Just to repeat myself...

Idk why that isn't your path now.

Thisoneisfine

I know...I mentioned this to my attorney early on and I can't remember why we did not go that route. I think it had to do with the burden of proof needed. I'll ask again.

I don't know why she is so bent on the house issue...asc is right though, she did want some continuity for the kids. So frustrating that she looks out for her financial best interests, but when I look out for mine I'm the bad guy.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Waiting on the attorneys again.

Met with a real estate agent yesterday to get the ball rolling. I'm tired of waiting.

I'm just going to throw this out there, but have you considered relocating? Maybe just liquidate everything you can, take a job transfer or find a new position, and get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of CT??? Your girls are old enough to have some choice about where they live, and even if they stay with their mother until age 18, they're free agents after that. You could settle into a college town down south in the Carolinas, Tennessee, Florida, etc. where retirement income goes a long, long way and the cost of living is substantially lower. It might mean flying your girls in to see you periodically while they're finishing high school, but heck, if you set up something tempting enough, it's gonna be "see ya, mom!" at graduation.

Something to think about anyway. You're not a bad guy if you decide you need some distance. There's never been a better time in human history for people to stay meaningfully connected over long distances.

I'm not going to say where exactly I live, but I decided after my WH's cheating spree that among many other things... I was DONE shoveling snow. Life is short and once you've reached the nadir of unhappiness, it's hard to settle for unappetizing prospects when you're contemplating the future. It's not worth a walk through Hell, if you end up less than satisfied. Just a thought.

ChamomileTea

You must be a mind reader. I have thought about that many times.

My thought right now is just to get my youngest thru high school...3 more years.

I don't know if I can do it before then...there's a good chance I'm going south before I retire...and certainly after I retire. I'm not staying here.

What bothers me most is that she now says: "I want half of everything." I say fine.

I say: "I can't afford (or not comfortable with keeping) the house if we split 50 50, so we have to sell it" ... and I get "you monster" "you're just vindictive" "you're trying to 'punish' your STBXWW."

I even received a text form her that said "I don't know what you think you gain by selling the house." ... I'm just not comfortable keeping the house if we do a 50 50 split. Why is it not OK for me to do that without having a guilt trip laid on me?

She’s a fucking cheater. Why in the hell do you even care what she thinks? Cmon man. She blew up your marriage and family and you’re giving her control over you? Why?

You do what’s best for you and the kids. Cut of any contact other than kids and D.

My thought right now is just to get my youngest thru high school...3 more years.

I don't know if I can do it before then...there's a good chance I'm going south before I retire...and certainly after I retire. I'm not staying here.

I'd go ahead and sell the house now. It's a sellers market and who knows how long that's going to last, right? Even the fixer-uppers are going for good cash. You can find somewhere to rent. Trick is to take the little dog with you when you go to look at places. That way, the landlord can see what a well-behaved little gentleman he is.

Try looking at unconventional listings too. People who are leasing out guest houses, garage apartments, basements, etc. will often work a little closer with you when they see how nice you are. Big corporations don't care if you're a good guy or if you'll bring in the mail when they're out of town.

It's NOT a perfect world out there, and you know what? ..that's okay. A little adversity is character-building for teens. Hell, my family was so poor after my parent's divorce that we were renting out in the country for like $30 bucks a month. No indoor plumbing, and the farmer would forego the rent if we fed the livestock when he was away. He just wanted someone in the house to keep vagrants out. Network all your friends. Something will come up. Bankroll your savings and when you're ready to make that move find someplace WONDERFUL, someplace that makes you glad to roll out of bed every day.

Are you asking for/getting custody of your children? I ask bc you might get HUGE tax credits if you can file as Head of Household, but one child is going to need to live with you.

However,,, even if both children live with her, would you believe the IRS allows either parent to claim the kids , due to the D negotiations? Be sure you tell your atty you def want to claim 1 child.If you’re going for custody, don’t bring it up. you might get custody bc she cheated.

(I’m just throwing this out there bc hardly anyone knows this and it will definitely help you $$ wise.)

I got custody, both kids lived with me. My xh got to claim oldest child until he grad high school, I claimed the younger child, then we switched off years with the youngest til he graduated. That’s what the D papers stated. But.... my kids went to college! I kept claiming them. I got the credits for all the college stuff, never told xh. I don’t feel bad, he cheated on me and put me in the hole financially.

The child tax credit is 3600 in 2021.

Marz

You’re right. You are absolutely right. It’s the sick, twisted games of a cheater…always, ALWAYS the victim. It is a sick, disgusting mindset that I keep getting sucked into.

Thanks ChamomileT

I have the real estate agent ready to sell when we are. Just waiting for the damn lawyers. I check rentals on a daily basis…I actually hope to find a really cheap condo that I can live in for 3-4 years…then move on. And I hear you on the unconventional…I was hoping for a room above a garage, a camper, something, anything. I’ll take just about anything at this point, I can’t take it anymore. My anxiety is through the roof like it was just after dday. It’s a little different because it is the anxiety of feeling trapped, I can’t move on with my life, I don’t feel free. STBXWW doesn’t care how long it takes. I’m going to go mad. And I really would like to take some time for myself before I meet someone new, but I can’t be alone until she goes away (or I get away).

I was in a similar situation when I was young and was going to mention it here (albeit not as “adverse” as your situation). My parents divorced when I was 5, I lived in 4 different crappy apartments between the age of 5 and 14. When I was 14 my mother could finally afford to rent a house. The first apartment complex we lived in was a dump, it was an awful experience and I will never forget it. My mom worked three jobs at one point to support us. I never wanted that for my kids, so I’m glad we at least made it this far. I know my kids will be OK. While the living arrangements were crappy for me early on, there was a lot of love in the family. My mother loved us (me, my brother and my sister), she had a heart of gold and she was happy.

Homewrecked

It will be shared custody. Tax issues are already written into the draft divorce agreement. 2 kids, one claimed on each tax filing until they are no longer eligible. When oldest is no longer eligible we alternate years on the youngest.

Thanks for the tip though, I know that most folks may not think about the tax issues. I have to ask my attorney again about the cheating issue. Connecticut allows for “fault” divorces, one of the faults is adultery…I have no idea how that works.