SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Connecticut allows for “fault” divorces, one of the faults is adultery…I have no idea how that works.

I’m not a lawyer and don’t live in Connecticut, but unless your WW concedes adultery I’m guessing you would have to prove it to a judge, which would be a slower process, probably with opportunities for your WW to drag it out. If you do have the proof it may be better used as leverage to get her ass in gear and get things moving. Your lawyer (or maybe your new lawyer?) will know if this is useful or just some bs some guy on the internet said.

Agree with Marz, who fucken cares what your ex says unless its slander then you have actionable cause against her.

Screw what she or what anyone else has to say. Its your life, your finances, and no one has a clue. Don't let that WW of yours screw with your head. She's a cheater and in your book, she doesn't count, nor does her opinion. Don't pay anymore attention to her, and you're best off ignoring her text or anything else she says to you. You've got an attorney, work through your attorney.

In most states, text and email can be treated as domestic violence. If she's threatening you, or says stupid shit via email, or post online, you do have recourse. Ask your attorney, although I'd suggest that you just quickly get this over and done with so that you can move on. If she does not relent on the text or email, just send that to your attorney and I'm sure they'll let opposing counsel know for your ex to back off. That's pretty standard and she'll get the message.

DanielJK

The quote I have in my tagline is by one of the better-known Stoic philosophers. Stoicism is based on understanding your situation and accepting the outcome – the consequences – if you can’t impact them in any way. Another quote is something along the lines of:

“A dog on a leash tied to a wagon headed for Athens can strain at the leash, but will still end up in Athens”

I think the issue is that you are looking at assets emotionally, and you are straining at the leash your attorney is holding on to. The leash that is decided and determined and defined by the law in your state regarding divorce. The wagon being the process, Athens being a finalized divorce.

If you can then try this:

First of all: ACCEPT the limitations the decision to file places on you. It’s like you have placed your final bet at a Roulette table and you can’t change where your chips lie. If the market drops you can’t single-handedly decide to buy or sell. If that bothers, you then remember the BEST solution is to resolve the divorce ASAP so that you can fiddle about with what is yours at that time.

List your debts, assets, savings… EVERYTHNG that the divorce will impact in an Excel document. That big $$$$$$? It’s not Maple Lane 1110, the family-home where you have all the memories and spent hours painting the white picket fence. It’s just plain old $$$$$$ and your goal is to find the best way to ensure you get $$$ of the $$$$$$.

Look at the total. When you see the total of assets and debts you hopefully have a positive number. Half of that is your goal. Not half the house, not half the savings, not half the car. You don’t divide the truck so you get the FO and she gets RD – it’s the VALUE and if she get’s the Ford then you get half it’s value somewhere else.

You can do some number massaging. You can value your vehicle at lower market price because of the faulty muffler and scratches and ignore comparable flaws in her vehicle for a higher market value. Value your house higher or lower depending on what “needs” to be done and what really needs to be done. You can either use Future Value or Present Value calcs to determine the worth of investments and pensions – to your advantage. Or tax factors and fines. Whatever. But be realistic – the guy holding the leash – the one you pay $$$ per hour – has seen it all and will know what tricks work and what won’t.

I once met an old friend at a hotel where we were both attending conferences. I an IT conference, he a divorce-attorney conference. I had a drink with him and his colleagues and they told me that any semi-competent divorce attorney could predict the outcome with over 90% accuracy once they had the relevant info. The time and cost was mainly in two areas: Getting the client to provide the information, but MAINLY in arguing over the last 5% of real value. I got the feeling the attorneys were happily amazed at peoples willingness to spend $$$$ to get $$$ more out of the divorce.

My advice?

Evaluate if you trust the hand holding the lease. The hand of the attorney sitting on the wagon headed for Athens. If you trust it then simply jog along behind the wagon at the fastest pace you are comfortable with. Get to your destination because that’s where your freedom lies.

My anxiety is through the roof like it was just after dday. It’s a little different because it is the anxiety of feeling trapped, I can’t move on with my life, I don’t feel free. STBXWW doesn’t care how long it takes. I’m going to go mad. And I really would like to take some time for myself before I meet someone new, but I can’t be alone until she goes away (or I get away).

In your reply to my last post, you said that everything was fine except that you couldn't move on just because of living together. I thought, "Why can't he continue?" I couldn't see a reason for this. Then I thought you were patient in order not to break an amicable D with your STBXWW, so I didn't ask why.

If this really bothers you so much and D will result in the same way in all circumstances, why wait? Isn't it the carelessness your STBXWW shows even though she's the guilty party that drives you so crazy? But by not moving on, don't you allow this?

She sees that you can't go on without her, this gives her extra comfort psychologically. At this point, I would like to give an example. I don't know if this happens to others. I have a strange feeling when I see women who are emotionally attracted to me but whom I do not think of anything beyond friendship start dating someone else after a while; "Noo she was mine, should I get her?" It doesn't take me long to say "Never mind" to myself, but these are people I have never really looked at that way. While even that feels like this, it would be even more disturbing to see someone we long thought was our own going on with their life, especially with someone else. In fact, this is similar to what WSs make to BSs feel, but theirs are extremely immoral and this is extremely normal. You have the right.

So in the end, although she may seem like she doesn't care about you, I think it would bother her to see you move on with your life, and it would be a relief for you to see her uncomfortable.

One thing I know I'm struggling with is that while I have to concentrate on life-changing practical matters (refi the home, split assets, etc.) I also know that emotionally I'm so wrecked that I am not at my best in terms of processing things intelligently.

It's like the end of the movie Gladiator...the hero gets stabbed in the gut before the final battle, so that he's weakened and should lose.

IMO do everything to get the physical separation from the problem (her), then know that once that weight is lifted, what seemed daunting and impossible (the practical matters) will then be reviewed in a new, improved light.

I say: "I can't afford (or not comfortable with keeping) the house if we split 50 50, so we have to sell it" ... and I get "you monster" "you're just vindictive" "you're trying to 'punish' your STBXWW."

I'm not reading all of the responses...but you have to be careful to avoid listening to all of the noise. It's just noise. She can say whatever she wants. Do not take legal advice from her or from her attorney.

My xWW has accused me of raping her. This was before the custody evaluation and I don't know whether or not she brought it up to the custody evaluator... my hunch is that she did and that the evaluator did not believe her. Again, she can SAY whatever... just respond like a grey rock.

Good luck... be patient. Divorces are painfully expensive AND painfully slow.