I have commented on other threads about the role of parenting and when/how/if that role ever ends… This post will probably end up going all over the place, but it’s a collection of my thoughts on parenting and what you might have to do regarding your son.
I think our role as parents is to best prepare our kids to leave us. Sort of like when birds teach their young ones to fly, knowing once they reach a certain competence they will leave the nest possibly never to return.
It might vary between states and countries but generally when your “child” turns 18 they are considered legally independent and accountable. I think we – as parents – need to realize this and have them prepared to deal with the added responsibility that age brings them. We can ease that load, maybe even prolong it for some time, but eventually our kids need to be independent and responsible for their actions.
We might think that is only limited to extremes. Like we don’t want them to go to jail or do drugs or whatever. But it’s so much more IMHO. Like he won’t go to jail or be stabbed for being late to work because he was online gaming late into the night, but he might lose his job. That in turn might make him late with the rent and cost him his apartment. Not maintaining a basic level of cleanliness might allow the landlord to keep the deposit. It’s this ongoing action->consequence that we all deal with all our lives.
It’s also making them understand that all through life there will be tests and “graduations”. With limited qualifications and no experience, he might get an entry-level job and if he does a good job (the test) he might “graduate” into a higher wage, better role, team-leader…
It’s also making them understand that there are tests we fail in, and then being brutally honest to ourselves why we failed. I have been fired from a job for purely my own fault and I have been laid off for reasons way beyond my control. One was definitely a failure, the other maybe a failure in not placing myself in a situation less likely to be sensitive to the economy.
It can even be more subtle and in forms many adults are battling with all their lives, like in overspending and dealing with credit-card debt and car loans well into your later years, or not having retirement, or not being able to do what you want to because you can’t plan and implement.
Basically and what I might be trying to get across is this: Once your kid leaves your home you want someone that realizes the effects of action/inaction and it’s consequences, the importance of planning, the importance of being in control of what he/she can control and the importance of accepting the consequences of his/her actions – both the good consequences and the bad consequences.
We might focus on the bad consequences: Don’t show up at work and you get fired, don’t pay your rent and you get evicted, don’t have insurance and your car get’s booted, don’t have money and you go hungry… But we also need to focus on the good: Get a job and you get cash, learn to handle it and you can get a vehicle, save for the down-payment for an apartment, take holidays, buy stuff…
The best and safest environment to learn this is at home…
IMHO your son probably knows all this. He knows he should feed the birds, clean their cages, pick up his laundry, do his chores… But he get’s away with not doing it. In real-life he won’t… If he mistreated a spouse, a child, heck… even a dog… he could end up in trouble.
He get’s away with demanding cash of you because he knows you will eventually give. Once in the real world it’s the collection agencies that are harassing HIM, the repo-man after his vehicle and the bank with the foreclosure because with age his issues escalate beyond what dad’s 20 can cure.
No matter where and how he lives he will lose his room-mate, GF and even his lodgings if he doesn’t take part in cleaning and maintaining the home.
Kids vary in their development, but that doesn’t change the age of accountability. If it’s 18 in your area then irrespective of his maturity he’s a “grown man” the day he turns 18. He can walk down to the Marine recruitment office and sign up without your consent.
I think you should emphasize this to him. That he’s reaching an age where society considers him an adult. And as an adult the roles change…
Talk to him like an adult because he’s only 12 months from being legally an adult.
Right now he’s in your home for two reasons: You love him and want the best for him AND you have a moral and legal obligation. The minute he turns 18 your love and your desire for the best to him won’t change, and there can be moral reasons for why you let him remain in your home, but the legal reasons aren’t there. That opens up so many OTHER ways for you to help him learn what’s needed to survive in life and your love for him and your moral compass might make having him move out the best option.
Don’t tell him it’s unavoidable that he move out at 18. Don’t make it an ultimatum. But rather that if things don’t work out then by the time he’s 18 then if you two can’t find a way to cohabit then the natural and best progression might be that you don’t. Nothing mean, not throwing him out but rather a consequence of his decisions. Him eventually leaving is simply sensible because he’s an adult and its your house.
I would be very clear that it’s not necessarily what you want. You might be more than willing to have him in your home for some more years while he takes his first steps as an adult. But that would be based on you seeing him make life-advances. Furthering his qualifications/education, getting and keeping a job, partaking in the chores of home, being an active and contributing member in the family.
I would then ask him what HE thinks is reasonable. What are reasonable expectations from him? How can he contribute? He might not think it’s fair that he mows the lawn all the time, but maybe if he realizes YOUR contributions and you two can see them as mutually beneficial then he might realize how cleaning his room, dealing with his laundry, mowing the lawn and cleaning the bathrooms every second week might be “fair”.
The key to what I’m suggesting is to do what he wants you to do – only what he think he wants isn’t what he expected… He WANTS to be treated like an adult. I’m suggesting you do that by engaging him in a two-way conversation. No directives or one-sided discussions but a negotiation where both approach the table as equals. Of course as the home-owner you have the last word, but maybe he want’s to see to dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays. Maybe he accepts that you both take Thursday afternoon and evening to clean the house and order in pizza. Engage him in conversation and if things don’t work out have meetings rather than confrontations.
If he’s not raising his bar… also have meetings where you warn him that maybe you just accept that you failed in your parenting and maybe he should prepare to leave once he reaches 18…