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Life in Limbo

Topic is Sleeping.
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 BeenHereBefore (original poster New Member #77290) posted at 12:57 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

For REASONS, I'm not confronting my WH at this time. There is a date marked on calendar for when that will happen. In mean time, for those who have had to delay for whatever reasons, wether it was due to in home separation, waiting to confront to get ducks in a row, etc:

How did you managed, what were your coping mechanism?

I've been exercising, talking to supportive friends (but worried about burning them out, if you haven't been through this, some people just don't get it), journaling, and thank God for some anti-anxiety meds!

What helped others while in LIMBO? I miss the days when I was in such deep denial that I was able to read. My concentration is shot now, and that was really my one "hobby".

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8647147
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 1:21 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Spend as much time away from home as possible. When you are home keep things very quiet. If he asks what's up, or starts trying to push why you are more withdrawn than normal, just say you don't feel good.

Heck even make a dr appt, for a full physical, it will help the ruse, and give you some space.

Lots of times an active cheater doesn't even notice, they just think they have more space to cheat more.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18926   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8647151
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solo ( Member #57709) posted at 3:10 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Wish I knew. I’ve been in limbo for years, for reasons of my own. Thing is, I’d finally decided to end it. I’d finally made up my mind to walk away and deal with the consequences, and the hurt it would cause my family.
Then she was rushed to the emergency room, and life threatening issues were discovered. Issues that won’t be resolved any time soon. Issues that would be exacerbated by stress. Now I’m back where I’ve been for so long. Just waiting for a time when it will be "ok" to leave.

posts: 206   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2017
id 8647175
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:10 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Reframe? Your M may be in limbo, but the rest of your life goes on. Might as well make the best of it.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8647176
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 3:41 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

I didn't handle it well.Almost lost my mind.Who am I kidding I did lose it.Looking back I wish I was more prepared.Save money.Look at different places to live.I was pregnant at the time.Being on this site reading other people's stories and communicating helps a lot.I don't feel so alone in it anylonger.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8647192
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Notthevictem ( Member #44389) posted at 4:33 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

You are having troubles reading and that's you hobby? Big ouch there. I know when it happened to me, I forced myself to do it, with a mentality of 'this shit isn't gonna take what I love away from me!' I gotta admit, I was thoroughly pissed off while reading a book once or twice, lol.

Can you look at things you compromised on and revisit? A type of food you liked but didn't each much of because he didn't like it? A tv show he didn't care for? Things like that?

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13360   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8647212
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dogcopter ( Member #77390) posted at 4:55 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Oh, I actually have a really important story to share with you on this.

On Jan 3, I found out in real time (with access to an account my WS did not know I had) that she had lied to me about where she was going and who she was with (it was with him). Because of my long list of experiences with gaslighting, I didn't tell her; I consumed it...

... and it was pure poison to me!

My mental health went into immediate decline. I reached out to people. I think that is when I started this account actually. I went on walks. I did all the stuff you are supposed to do for self-care and I still was suffering from this knowledge that I was keeping from her. My depression has never been more deep and dark and all consuming as it was in this period of time.

One day, I decided (with the help up a friend) that my body was telling me I needed to sick this up. I sat my wife down the following morning (with the kids at school) and told her I knew and that I had to tell her for my benefit because it was poison to keep it in.

I told her, not to try to change her or get any reaction from her. The only reason I told her was that my body was telling me to.

I didn't get a good reaction from her; I didn't care. I breathed a sigh of relief. I could breath again! My mental health started to get better immediately.

Now, let me tell you I am currently keeping it from my wife that I intend on leaving and am getting my ducks in a row. For god knows what reason, keeping that information from her doesn't evoke the same physical and mental reaction as it did in January. I assume my body is telling me it's ok to do this right now until I'm ready.

What I learned was that I am not natively a creature of deception, and that is ok. Even if I am married to a creature of deception, I have to do what I feel is right no matter what. The body will sometimes tell me when I am going against my own nature.

If it gets too anxiety inducing, there may be a good reason. To thine own self be true!

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8647221
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 5:19 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

What you do is take care of YOU.

This is the time to try new things. Yes, the pandemic has made it harder. Wandering aimlessly while window shopping sipping a decadent cup of coffee was my go to. Now - it not the same.

But - you can try walking outside or something similar. Find something that works for you. Take time to figure it out.

AS for reading - that hurt me bad. I love reading [I'm only now able to do it again in small doses]. BUT audiobooks became my BFF. The library app has an amazing free selection, but there are subscription services that have a wider variety. So - long drives, cup of decadent coffee and my audiobooks. That helped so freaking much to distract me a bit. I highly recommend giving it a try.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8647236
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dogcopter ( Member #77390) posted at 5:22 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

long drives, cup of decadent coffee and my audiobooks.

I second this.

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8647241
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AsUWish ( New Member #77301) posted at 6:57 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

I agree with long drives or walks with audiobooks. It’s helped me. Also finding a spot alone and losing myself in trashy sitcoms.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Feb. 12th, 2021
id 8647282
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Eventually after the sh*"t hit the fan I left pregnant and depressed .Had that really heavy feeling in my chest.It hurt so much.The pain is hard to describe which I am sure everyone here understands.I did find one thing for me that helped.My sister had these taped sermons that were so soothing and loving.The pain I was feeling reminded me of a bad burn where the pain doesn't go away.I would lay in bed and play these tapes.Each one had the sound of the elements like rain or running water and rain or wind in the background while the pastor spoke about love,life and many other topics.It was like a balm to the soul.Audio books or podcasts may be a good idea like the above have mentioned.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8647323
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 10:27 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

I'm in year 4 and still can't "read", so I am ALL about audiobooks (and my library has great electronic stuff, so I can search and check out and listen all on my phone). But I agree with Chaos- focus on you, do stuff that helps you feel good about you. Self love is it's own journey, and any way we can find to bring joy to it helps (or did me).

I've been in limbo for more than a year and the only way I can do it is by emotionally detaching from WH. It's not great, but it has worked. It's a weird place, in that I'm not doing a 180 (I think that would create a ton of tension), but I'm not in R either. I'd say we are now more like roommates. I can listen to him talk about his day, and when I feel my emotions roll in, just tell myself it's an opportunity to learn how to not get caught up in someone else's problems or drama. I've certainly failed in this respect, but those stumbles helped me do better.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8647335
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20yrsagoBS ( Member #55272) posted at 2:54 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

I threw myself into work, picking up some part time jobs in addition to my full time position.

I started buying stocks, am looking at buying land, and will eventually leave, to live alone

I also started checking things off my bucket list

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8647383
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 BeenHereBefore (original poster New Member #77290) posted at 1:53 PM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

Not sure if I'm over generalizing, but I think W's are able to compartmentalize their lives (life with spouse/life with AP).

I think that I too need to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings toward WH. I realize he is not who I thought he was (or maybe I wished he was) all along. It's hard to turn off feelings of love, affection, loyalty after 25 years (if the # of years make a difference, I know there are others here married less years who feel the same intensity towards their spouses).

Just wondering if anyone has some good mental excerizes that they use when they start to feel like their W's are drawing them back in?

Or any tips of stop mentally obsessing?

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8647831
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:03 PM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

When I realize that's happening toward anyone, I ask myself what I'm feeling. I limit my answers to mad, sad, glad, scared, and ashamed. Then I deal with the feeling(s) - I let myself feel it/them and decide what I'll do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:04 AM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8647858
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 BeenHereBefore (original poster New Member #77290) posted at 4:57 PM on Saturday, April 3rd, 2021

Thanks for the idea to try an isolate the feeling in the moment. That may help. Most times it's that sense of betrayal from the one you thought you could count on the most. Then it's the sense of fear of what the future holds.

Just need to grieve for a lost/dead relationship. And as far as the fear, well I've been here at this cross road before. The last time I had just gotten to that point and calmly offered him divorce. At the time we were going through marriage counciling, but in my gut I knew they were still involved, she then called me and confirmed it. I let him know she had called me and that's when I said let's just get this over with and divorce. Strangely he decided no to divorce, called her in front of me and ended it.

I can honestly say that I'm grateful we didn't divorce back then. My kids were so much younger, and are very open loving individuals. I couldn't imagine how painful it would be if they grew close to "stepmom" and started calling her mom as well. Those here who have had to "share" their kids with AP, my heart goes out to you. Big example of life not being fair.

Like gmc94 wrote about detaching. That's probably more what I need to aim for. And as another stated, putting a priority on my wants. And Dogcopter, totally relate to the not letting spouse know what I'm planning. I'm normally a very open, honest, first to admit when I'm wrong kind of person. A dear friend told me I needed to realize it's not me being deceptive, it's me being proactive and protective of myself.

Thanks to all here and friends IRL who we can share with. Just knowing we are not alone helps, especially on those days that just when you think you've got a handle on this and can ENDURE, you get laid low knowing you're having to put up with a shit sandwich, for whatever time frame. Thanks again for listening

posts: 24   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8647866
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redundant ( New Member #75071) posted at 12:34 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

My "drug" of choice to cope with stress is heavy lifting. When I filed for divorce, the day after D-day, I increased both volume and load so that by driving myself past the ragged edge of exhaustion, I could get some sleep at night. Combined with ic, I was able to overcome the horrible immediate after effects of her treachery.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
id 8647927
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Anna123 ( Member #70908) posted at 2:46 AM on Sunday, April 4th, 2021

just wondering if anyone has some good mental excerizes that they use when they start to feel like their W's are drawing them back in?

Or any tips of stop mentally obsessing?

Part 1: Make a list of all of the horrible things he did. Read it. Read it again. Add to it. Keep reading it.

Part 2: To stop the obsessing I literally yelled "STOP!" out loud in my head. I immediately started planning things for my own life, or reflecting on what I was grateful for. It ended up being a good strategy for much lesser things that come up in my cheater free life now.

So sorry you are going through this. I vividly recall that period of time when I had to wait, and time it out right. It is THE most stressful time of my life. Hopefully you are getting your ducks in a row.

Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, drink lots of water.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8647939
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cancuncrushed ( Member #28156) posted at 1:05 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

I was in limbo for years. I was waiting for my last child to graduate. It did not go well. I thought things would remain as is. It did not stay the same. Things got worse. wh. Became serial cheater. Very cruel flaunting it.

I tried all the things to detach. Isolate. Stay gone. Treat myself.

The problem was Wh kept increasing his bad behavior. I’ve said it many times. He did not have one affair and I struggled. He kept adding one trauma after another.

He became chronic alcoholic. With brain damage. Everything became out of control. And confusing. I wasn’t sure if I should leave. Could I get a divorce? Is he dangerous ?

I got ptsd I lived numb for a long time. Each time I thought I could no longer be surprised. But he always found a new low.

My lesson? Nothing stays the same. It can always become worse.

Two people who have no respect for each other are going to react. More and more. We are human.

Focus on your efforts. Get your ducks in a row. Don’t delay. Don’t go into denial and stall. Be honest with yourself.

My son graduated. He has a wonderful career. He sent me pictures this morning of his new project he’s very happy. I have no regrets. It was hell. I never dreamed my husband could go so far to crush me. I never dreamed he would become so mentally ill. Dangerous. I never dreamed it would be this bad. It happened. I’m divorced. 2 years. I received a letter two weeks ago. From exwh. Letting me know he has found me.

Did staying living in limbo help? Yes and no. It helped my son and helped us both financially. It allowed the marriage to further deteriorate and mental illness to grow. Which became dangerous. I wish I could have left earlier. Skip the super hate.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:22 PM, April 5th (Monday)]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4729   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8648242
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dogcopter ( Member #77390) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

... life in limbo sucks

I feel badly that anybody lives like this. I feel it's kind of the norm...

ETA. Thanks for sharing everyone

[This message edited by dogcopter at 7:49 PM, April 5th (Monday)]

1st D-Day: Nov 2015
Many more D-Days.
nth D-Day: Jan 2021

posts: 283   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2021   ·   location: OH
id 8648251
Topic is Sleeping.
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