Newest Member: username3016

General :
He finally said it.

Topic is Sleeping.
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StillLivin ( Member #40229) posted at 6:16 AM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

His words are finally aligning with the actions he's shown you for years. I'm sorry you were surprised and hurt, but I doubt anyone else here is either of the above.

You are too kind and too good to deserve this, but if you put up with it, you're going to receive it anyway.

If you decide to stay until death do you part, then at least detach and stop caring for your own sanity.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5955   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8647124
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 1:24 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

(((WR)))

His mask is slipping.

This is about him and his brokenness, remember that, his hurtful words are not true, and they certainly do not represent who you are.

He is broken. Emotionally, maybe worse than he is physically.

We know you won't step away as the role of caregiver, but do not tolerate abuse from him be it verbal or otherwise. Tell him to shut it, when he starts that nonsense, and leave the room. It isn't going to do him any harm to wait 30minutes for whatever, and will show him that you are unwilling to tolerate his hurtful words.

But remember he says them because he hates himself, not you.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18926   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8647152
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 3:07 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

I'm very sorry WR. Just know that his comment and thinking were about him, not about you. You're a star! He knows he wasn't a good partner in any relationship.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:08 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8647171
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 3:14 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

WR, this might sound a little harsh, but it is a question I've essentially asked of myself...

Is he your excuse for not being happy?

14 years is a long time.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8647180
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 WhatsRight (original poster Member #35417) posted at 6:45 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Wow...thx for all the heartfelt responses.

OIN, you are a strong woman who has supported me with your insights for a long time now. Thank you. But I respectively disagree about being nice to others being dependent on what they will tolerate. When I am nice, I do it because I choose to be. Not because of what they expect / tolerate from me, but because of what I expect / demand of myself.

Chili...

I think he said that to be ugly. I think he said that because he can't look in the mirror. I think he said that because you are his most available punching bag and he's not so great at coping with his own emotions.

At a bare minimum, I think he didn't leave or ever plan to leave because it was never in his best interest to leave. Seriously - where would he go? Who would take care of him like you do? I don't think his ego will ever allow him to admit that truth to you though. So it's a bit like beating your head against the wall to ask him for something he literally is not capable of giving.

Tush...

His mask is slipping.

This is about him and his brokenness, remember that, his hurtful words are not true, and they certainly do not represent who you are.

He is broken. Emotionally, maybe worse than he is physically.

But remember he says them because he hates himself not you.

I TOTALLY agree with these things

After he told me he wished he had left, and he was over the worst of his pain at that time, I thanked him for at least being honest. When I asked why he wished he had, he said he wished he had left because of the pain he knows he caused me.

HouseOfPlane...I honestly don’t think any unhappiness I feel is on him. As my tag line reminds me constantly...

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

Also, full disclosure, I’m not always so nice as some of you may think. It gets ugly between us sometimes...and I do my part of contributing sometimes. Sadly.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:46 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8647276
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annanew ( Member #43693) posted at 6:52 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

I agree with Chili.

I'd be careful about assuming something is "The Truth" just because it's what you most fear.

What was the context? How often do you ask him why he stayed? How often do you discuss his infidelity?

Single mom to a sweet girl.

posts: 2440   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: California
id 8647279
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Jeaniegirl ( Member #6370) posted at 9:07 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Whatsright, were you with him when the accident happened that put him where he is today?

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 2839   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8647312
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 11:04 PM on Thursday, April 1st, 2021

HouseOfPlane...I honestly don’t think any unhappiness I feel is on him. As my tag line reminds me constantly...

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

I saw that...Wise words.

I just worry that you say you “need” something from him, and it sure looks like you’re not going to get it.

I also find with myself that when other stuff gets me down, I’ll ruminate on the A. Maybe I’m using it as an excuse to be pissed off when I should be angry at something else, or better yet just solve that other problem. I didn’t notice myself doing it until I noticed myself doing it, if that makes sense.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8647344
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 WhatsRight (original poster Member #35417) posted at 3:21 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

...when other stuff gets me down, I’ll ruminate on the A. Maybe I’m using it as an excuse to be pissed off when I should be angry at something else, or better yet just solve that other problem.

This makes so much sense.

I think what I “need” from him is for him to be a caring person with character and integrity. I want that - not to have a “relationship” with him (that ship has sailed) - but I care about him, and I want him to be the best he can be.

No, we were not together when he had a diving accident at age 16. We met 12 years later.

He has been hurt 46 years now. Until the last 6 years he was a motivated overachiever. Now, he has had quite a few health concerns one right after the other, and it has really changed him.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:24 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7187   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8647389
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 4:21 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

I want him to be the best he can be

But he does not want that for himself and may not even agree what "best" actually is. Your energy should be focused on what you want for you, not what you want for others. It's the only thing you get to decide, so it's good for your mental health to keep your energy there.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8647394
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cancuncrushed ( Member #28156) posted at 1:50 AM on Tuesday, April 6th, 2021

I don’t believe conversations are accident It could have been on his mind lately. Or. He could have planned it. HES been cruel a very long time. It’s expected at this point.

I would check his pulse if he wasn’t being mean. He’s not very appreciative.

Cruel people do and say cruel things. You have to accept that. Expect it. Let it slide off like water. He’s controlling you still he has plenty of time to lay around and plan. It’s toxic

How can you be surprised or hurt at this date? I know your helping him. Detach.

It takes a long time. I know. Health plays a big part. I know. But there comes a time to say no more and walk that no more path Even if you have to ghost him in the same house

What does your mental health look like after this experience? How does it affect you now? This is hurting you.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:58 PM, April 5th (Monday)]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4729   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8648252
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( Member #75220) posted at 8:47 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Heavy.

-A gullible BH slow dancing in a burning room

posts: 203   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8649716
Topic is Sleeping.
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