SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You need to come at this from a different way?

Please explain this.

Bottom line is this...they fucked. He didn't want her. She falls back on plan B: YOU.

She has admitted that "talking to him" was worth risking losing you. Yet you are still looking for evidence NOT to prove she cheated, but to prove she DIDN'T.

Seriously, even if she didn't (but she did) have sex with him, why would you want to stay with someone who chose talking for 6+ hrs with an ex over her marriage to you?

I think you know what needs to be done, but are too afraid to do it. Set your course and get her out of your life. Your child is 17, you don't really have any further entanglements beyond that and your child will be emancipated by the time you're cleanly broken off. Why choose to live like this. Its been 4 times that you know of, and many more that you don't. She sees you as weak, and that is why she continues to do what she does. You have never given her the right consequence. Stand up to her now, and just leave.

If your friend of twenty years punched you in the face four times for no other reason than he felt like it would he still be your friend?

I'm totally with Bigger's response on this one. The two of you have been playing at marriage with none of the commitment. I don't get why anyone is engaged for 20 years with a 17 year old child. But that's just me.

But keep in mind. With the actual commitment of marriage, a relationship take a lot of work to last. When you don't know where you actually stand it's even harder. If she is cheating because she actually wants someone to think enough of her to marry her, she should say goodbye to you and move on until she finds someone who will value her. There is no excuse for keeping you in the picture while she shops.

She said if I hadn't found out she prob would have slept with him at some point

THIS alone is enough to bid farewell. She flatly admits she would have done the deed. Basically she doesn't value you at all. Disgusting.

"Swearing" on one's child, dead parents, dog down the street, means nothing. She didn't talk to him for hours, they had sex. I'm sorry.

The OM said they didn't get physical. Whatever. It doesn't matter what he says, he is not trustworthy.

Break off the engagement and find a new life for yourself. This woman will not change.

However, knowing that you love her and want so badly to trust her, I supposed it "could" work if you were both in individual counseling. She has serious issues and they need to be addressed.

And you need to see your self-worth, because she is mentally abusing you. In your posts, other than the tears I don't see any real action on her part to show that she is truly remorseful.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 2:12 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

'm totally with Bigger's response on this one. The two of you have been playing at marriage with none of the commitment. I don't get why anyone is engaged for 20 years with a 17 year old child. But that's just me.

But keep in mind. With the actual commitment of marriage, a relationship take a lot of work to last.

There can be lots of reasons why people don’t marry. My ex and I were together 14 years without being married as neither of us believed in it or wanted any kind of religious ceremony.

Any long-term relationship takes serious commitment and work to last, especially one with a child raised in it which is more of a commitment together than marriage is. Not being married does not mean you are less committed.

I don’t have any issue with people not marrying. To me marriage is a convenience that in one relatively easy process clears up a lot of legal and financial lose ends much more than the romantic white-unicorn-into-the-sunset many people seem to think it is. But I wonder why the OP calls his partner “fiancé” unless they had planned on marrying. Partner would be more apt.

I agree with Bigger. I have no issue with people not getting married either. But if you have given a ring and call them your fiance, you clearly are doing that in anticipation of marriage. Otherwise, just call it a partnership, which is fine too.

To do this half way for that long muddies the water to me, because I think there are expectations that go along with being a fiance. Getting married is one of them. In my opinion, to be engaged for longer than three years would feel like the ring and proposal were more of a place holder than an actual commitment. That's just how I would feel. Like I'm not married but I'm not free either.

Thanks for all the responses as I have been reading all of them. To answer, we didn't get engaged earlier because of her cheating. Once we got past the first 3 times and got engaged 3 years ago, we scheduled it in the DR but had to cancel when Americans were warned off going there as people were dying. We have a time share there so were working on changing everything when covid shut everything down for a year so we decided to wait. Finally we were gong to the JP (her idea) when I caught her with her ex.

We have been talking and she agreed to give me her phone but the phonelab program didn't work as she has an older android. SHe agreed to a poly. I showed her the 2 places by our house and she said "if it proves I didn't have sex then let's set it up and have them ask me." She said most of the texts were basically just talking and she can't remember everything said and she doesn't want to think about it cause it hurts too much but she did say last night that the worst texts were him asking about her bush and he mentioned that he was fixing his hot tub and she said something about going in it together and she said he told her they can't do anything until we are broken up ans she said I know and we shouldn't be talking about it. I told her that shows that a possible sexual relationship was in the air at least and she said maybe a few months in the future and that was wrong but she insists she chose me. She just cries all the time and begged me all day not to leave her and she will die if I go. I remind her that she had a choice and even felt sick guilt and still chose to go to his house that night and text him. she keeps saying she knows what she did and the worst was the very few sexual texts but the never had sex. She said she will do anything to get another chance, a 5th chance she knows

Once we got past the first 3 times.

This says it all.

They almost always agree to the polygraph. Otherwise it's obvious they are lying. But they agree, because they don't believe their BS will follow through with it.

Follow through with it.

And,come on man. A FIFTH chance. FIVE times..that you know about.

You need to be in IC, to find your self worth,and figure out why you allow this woman to abuse you.

She said she will do anything to get another chance, a 5th chance she knows,

When you do the poloy don't make it specific to this guy. It should ask if she has had any sexual relations (oral...) with anyone but you for the past ...years.

Ok, so she crys a lot. What actions has she shown you that this isn't like all those other times? I mean what books has she read about Affairs? Has she set up her IC to understand why she would do this to her fiancee AGAIN? Did she give you her phone immedatly? Access to her computer? Keep them both unlocked?

I would definatly have the poloy done. She probably thinks that if she agrees to do it you won't follow through.

... but she insists she chose me.

Demonstrated by using her friends phone to call OM after you told her not to do just that. Wait, what.

I def doing the poly, I showed her the place and she was surprised for sure but said if that will prove to me they didn't do anything and is it that hard for e to believe that they could just talk and catch up for 6 hours. She keep saying she wouldn't have sex after seeing someone twice in 15 years despite the flirting in texts. Thanks for the advice on the poly, I'll have them ask like that. She doesn't have a computer, she can barely use her phone honestly. She never learned any of that stuff. We share a facebook page and she has no other social media so not hard to keep an eye on her. I checked her phone when I saw her acting funny and it wasn't hard to see who she was texting. I check her calls and texts everyday now but I'm still so unsure if they actually did have sex and I really don't want to spend the rest of my life watching her closely. At the very least we agreed to not have anyone move out until our daugter graduates high school in june. she got accepted to NYU and I just don't want to mess up this stressful but exciting time in her life. IDK if that's the right thing to do but I'd do anything for my daughter

Demonstrated by using her friends phone to call OM after you told her not to do just that. Wait, what.

Agree. I bring this up daily to her and tell her it proves I was 2nd choice. She just keep saying cause she thought we were done. I remind her she gave up on us a day after I found out then called him and then when he said he wanted nothing she tried with me. She insists it's not like that. He told her when she leaves me to call him and she decided she wanted me and she only called him to see if he talked to me yet and the conversation led to her asking if he wanted a relationship with her. I know I was 2nd choice though

Skyla

A lot of betrayed spouses make, what is in my opinion, a fatale mistake. They somehow slow the narrative to be that if their wayward spouse says they are sorry and promise never to do it again and vow to do a lot of work to prove themselves that reconciliation starts right then.

It doesn’t. You cannot reconcile or rebuild with a partner who is still wayward. One who is in defense mode. One who has shown time and time again that she does not have you and your heart in her mind but only has her own loins and sense of sexual adventure in her thoughts.

It is not until she does the things, 8 of which i outlined earlier in this thread, and completes them, that will change her, will fix what is broken in her, that rebuilding of your relationship can even start. And quite frankly that work will take years in therapy to figure out.

So if I were you. I would tell her that while you plan to go forward w the poly, but sex or no sex she now cheated for the 4th time, and you are breaking the engagement either way until she has started AND COMPLETED at least a year of infidelity therapy. And that only after that is completed, you will decide if she’s someone you’d ever consider being in a relationship with and possibly marrying.

This was calculated cheating and until she can tell you exactly why she did it and what she has fixed inside of her after months and months of counseling, I would tell her there is no relationship anymore.

If you want to wait 5 months for your daughter to go away to school, that’s understandable. But it may be easier for her to leave if she’s had several months to process what is going on between her parents.

I’d still recommend demanding all 8 things on the list I sent along with other items from the brain trust here. And if it were me, as i mentioned, I’d get her a back level iPhone to use, set it up to save messages on the cloud, bring her old android to a professional place to have the messages restored, and get yourself an old iPhone too that you use to clone hers.

I know I was 2nd choice though

And that's ok with you?

Agree. I bring this up daily to her and tell her it proves I was 2nd choice. She just keep saying cause she thought we were done. I remind her she gave up on us a day after I found out then called him and then when he said he wanted nothing she tried with me. She insists it's not like that. He told her when she leaves me to call him and she decided she wanted me and she only called him to see if he talked to me yet and the conversation led to her asking if he wanted a relationship with her. I know I was 2nd choice though

Yeah, you get it, just don’t let her create doubt.

WAIT, she actually admitted she ask him if he wanted a relationship with him? Damn Brother.

Don’t doubt yourself on the sex, either. When former lovers, rekindling their relationship spend that much time together in OMs place, sex is the minimum that happened. It’s what adults do. I wouldn’t waste money on a poly for that, she needs to prove sex didn’t happened, if it’s that important to you.

I am really questioning why the sex aspect of this is so important. Is this the game-changer for you....that she didn't have sex at this time?

I'll tell you what---it just may be that this is the only aspect that is true. And you're willing to try to reconcile on that? In spite of the repeated infidelities that she has NEVER addressed in herself. Despite the defensiveness. Despite the refusal to hand over her phone. Despite the FACT that she told you that the path she was on would eventually lead to sex. Despite......

I know I was 2nd choice though

The above is more important than anything. Why you, personally, would continually accept her disrespectful, unloving, behaviors. If you focus on this, the other problems are going to resolve themselves, because you won't allow them to exist any longer.

So her excuse is that the only reason that sex wouldn’t have happened is because you caught her. Intentions and actions are the same exact thing in this case. I don’t know what else to tell you.