SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You know enough. You only want to see what fits your agenda.

Sorry she put you where you are but only you can keep yourself there.

She lied for a few weeks about the text messages. Now she is telling you they were sexual ... so bad that she doesn't want you to read them. Did she send pictures? Did he send some? How after all the sexual texts did she just sit and talk for over 6 hours? Ignore your call not realize how late it was....

No it doesn't make sense. Espically since this isn't her first time. Have you tried asking her to take a poloygraph test?

For her to think all of this was ok??? She clearly planned on hooking up with this guy and I can't see him saying no and just talking after all the sexting... You need to look at those messages.

is it possible to recover those texts. she has an android. I believe it can be done. There were pics. she said he sent her a pic of an old friend and that was it

also she said only a couple were sexual and he asked if her bush was still hairy then said oh I shouldn't be saying that

But she said today again that I want her to say they slept together but she never will cause it didn't happen but she doesn't think I'll ever believe it.

In the whole scheme of things, does this really matter?

As I posted before, she is trying to guilt you to stay with her. You are around only to keep her lifestyle. An ATM.

but she won't give me the ring.

See? It still has monetary value.

She said she will never take it off.

... in front of you, but will take it off when she sells it.

She has barely eaten in 2 weeks and looks terrible. She cries all day. She said it's cause all she thinks is how bad she hurt me again but would she be that sick if they didn't have sex?

Again, see? Crying and making herself look physically bad to make you feel guilty.

If your WGF were truly remorseful and wanted to make herself safe for you, she would be chasing you to the ends of the earth, doing whatever you wanted of her. In your case, she is still trying to control you and the outcome, making you feel guilty for things SHE did to you.

She did swear on her dead parents

Errrm, so what? What would happen if she was caught out? Her parents would come out of their graves? Would she have to exhume them? What are the consequences when someone says this? The answer is NONE. It is the easiest 'commitment' to make, as there are zero consequences, and give the person they are saying it to, some false hope that they are telling the truth.

She said she was telling her how guilty she felt going and her friend told her to turn around but she said she didn't cause she had feeling for him and just wanted to see him even though she knew our relationship would be over if I found out.

She threw away her engagement and future with you because she had feelings for him.

I did break the engagement but she won't give me the ring. She said she will never take it off.

Ask her if she took it off when she went to see him. Yeah I know, it’s an unfair question because there’s really no right answer. But these aren’t the actions of someone who takes fair into account beforehand.

If the texts proved they didn’t have sex or even supported her story by not mentioning sex between them she would be trying to recover them herself.

Do you know the reason she seems desperate to fix it? Because fixing “it” is possible. She’s done that three times already. But fixing her? Dealing with what’s broken inside her that allows her to do this again and again? That’s a task she’s not prepared for. It might not even be one she’s willing to acknowledge.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 11:15 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

How many times will it take for this SERIAL CHEATER and liar to betray you in order for you to see the proverbial "writing on the wall" ? Brother just RUN !!! if you think she really "lost track of time" and didn't see the "missed calls/texts" for 6.5 hours while she was sneaking to see her AP then I have a bridge on sale for you, and even if she she said about him not making a move that night is true (very unlikely after all the admitted flirting/sexting), the fact is she even admitted it was bound to happen eventually should be enough for you to end this farce. Life's too short, expose her huge betrayal with all family and close friends and dump her, you deserve so much better than this proven serial cheater and liar.

is it possible to recover those texts. she has an android. I believe it can be done. There were pics. she said he sent her a pic of an old friend and that was it

Lookup Fonelab

One thing crying she kept saying was how she would end up having to start over with nothing now if I left her

A moment of truth. And it is all about her. Not about how she has traumatized you. Or what a bad example she is to her daughter. Or how you deserve better than what she has done (and being willing to give the ring back). It's about how she has a place to live, someone to support her, a ring, others viewing her as a family woman, etc. -- she has *regret* that she was caught and stands to lose it all, but she lacks any *remorse* because her actions would be very different. She has and is showing you who she is.

One thing crying she kept saying was how she would end up having to start over with nothing now if I left her

The real, and only, reason why she has the sads.

I'm sorry, adults don't have playtime snuggle sleepovers with the sex they are attracted to.

Have you ever had that? I haven't. Nobody does.

If you ever get access to those messages you will see.

I was gaslit in exactly the same way, turns out instead of one emotional thing, my ww had 5 sexual relationships at the same time.

I "forgave" her and she did it to me 7 more times.

I am now happily divorced(almost), and wondering why I didn't see it at the time.

Don't be me.

Question is how many more years do you want to spend with a chronic liar and cheater?

My original post. The only question left to answer.

A question

She went with him, those days that she went with her friend,?

Could you talk to her friend, and ask her, maybe they were all those days together, tell her that you already know everything and that she will tell you about the trip, I bet you that those days, she did not send her any messages and no calls, maybe because they were together those days,

She still lied to you when, she said that she did not fuck her friend's neighbor, and in the end she told you after several years,

Dear, unfortunately she has no credibility whatsoever, you should, end this relationship, and move on, there are 4 infidelities, you don't think it's good anymore, keep holding on, so much shit, you don't deserve to be with this person, you deserve a woman, what I love you and respect you, make it worthy of being your partner or wife, I really believe that there are more than 4 infidelities, it is so farce, that I would give a DNA test to your son,

Try to take her away from you and let her go where her love, total I speak badly of you and that he loved him, you deserve much more than living with this woman, and thankfully you did not marry, you would have to continue sweeping under the rug,

You still have time to be happy.

You don’t need to prove anything she has done, you know enough facts to establish that she was having a highly inappropriate relationship with her ex and that she’s done this 4 times now.

Serial cheats are just that, repeat offenders. The question isn’t will she cheat again? because you already know the answer is yes. The question really is do you want to be the one she’s cheating on and hang around for d-day no 5, 6... however many chances to give her.

There is no point excusing her or lying to yourself, this is just going to keep you in misery and pain even longer. Only you can get yourself out of it by moving on and rebuilding.

You know something just struck me.When a person feels true remorse and comes to terms with what they did ,accept it and change.There usually is a sense of calm.This almost feels like she is afraid of something.Maybe you finding out everything?Just seems to me that true contrition is usually followed by a sense of calm.It's just a thought though.I don't know either of you.

I am sorry you are here. I recommend you tell her there is a long road to rebuilding trust and you don’t see, after so many failures on her part, how she could be up for it, but she is welcome to try. Make clear that she knows that you make no promises to stay. And that at any time you reserve the right to end it (including right now, if that is what you feel).

Then, I recommend you tell her that the path to rebuilding starts with these first few steps:

1) she finds a therapist that specializes in Infidelity and start working with them (twice a week at first) and stay in treatment for at least a year

2) you will find and schedule a polygraph test to verify what she is saying. Let her know that she will answer questions about if they touched, if they kissed and if they had sexual intercourse among others. And that she will submit to a second polygraph to confirm if you decide it is necessary.

3) that she write you a timeline of all the inappropriate interactions she has had over the course of your long relationship. That she, to the best of her recollection, not only detail every inappropriate word or text, and every physical aspect (He put his hand under my shirt and massaged my breast. I slid my hand inside his shorts and massaged his penis) but also what she was thinking and feeling before, during and after. After writing it, she will read it to you.

Make it clear that if she wants to have a chance with you, and become a person worthy of being your life partner, she will tell you all the times she cheated in any way (from flirting to full on sex) that YOU DO NOT KNOW ABOUT. It will be a waste of time to recover from only a partial list of what she has done.

4) she will consent to not only let you recover anything from her phone, but going forward she will consent to instant spot checks of her phone with no complaint or making you feel bad in any way. This consequence is her fault and her fault alone and you should require that she actual say those words if you are going to give her a chance.

Also if she wants to truly do the work and prove to you that she can become a safe partner she will have no issue with you cloning her phone so you actually can have another phone that replicates everything she does on her phone. I don’t know android but if you can’t do that on an android she will switch to an iPhone so you can get another one that can be cloned.

5) she will write you a series of letters that explain what it would mean to her if you stayed. Other topics can be why she feels the need to cheat. What she sees your life together will be for the decades to come. And also a letter describing how it must feel to be cheated on and the pain it causes.

6) She gives you back the ring for you to store. If she won’t then you tell her that it’s time to separate and begin the process to end your relationship. If she does you thank her and tell her you will decide if and when she is worthy of being your fiancé again. She obviously knew what she was doing was worthy of losing that status, she pretty much told the AP that she didn’t care. So now it’s time to pay those ramifications.

7) you will order a DNA test and do it on you and your child. Doesn’t matter of you know 100% he is yours. Performing the test will have impact on her as a ramification of what she has done. And you have the right to know one way or another definitely if he is yours. If he is not biologically yours he still can be emotionally and you can still be a father to him in every way. But from now on you deal in truths and this is one of them. Let her know she should not make you feel bad for doing this and that she only need be angry with herself for causing this doubt, not you.

8) no more male friends. No being with men alone ever. This will be hard for her. But she has shown she cannot handle it. I expect this will be a deal breaker. If she has to text a man, for any reason, she includes you in a group text. This is another ramification of her action. If she loves you as she says, she will willingly do this for you and your relationship.

My friend, finally tell her you can see a path back into your heart, but she needs to become a different person than she is right now. Remind her that she is welcome to leave and go be with any AP she wants. Let her know that you want to find a partner that only has you in her heart and no one else. That if she still has these other men, is pining away for them, then to not waste your time. Go be with them. You have little time to waste on someone who is not all in with you.

And tell her you are definitely going to find that person. If it’s her, that is up to what she does next. That road will not be easy for her, and you can’t see how she is up for it. But lastly tell her, until she care more about your heart and the pain it’s feeling than her own, she will never be worthy of a life with you.

True partners put their significant others happiness above their own. If both partners do that then that nearly guarantees that both will find that happiness together. If only one does, it ensures that neither will end up looking back on a truly satisfying relationship.

I am sure they did more that night. But honestly it doesn’t matter in the end. What’s important is that she went in the first place. That she knew how it would make you feel, and that she had in her heart feelings for someone other than you and she put those above those for the man she agreed to protect by taking that ring.

Honestly I think you should break up completely and tell her that if she needs to pursue something else, here’s her chance to do that and you will take the opportunity to heal yourself and eventually find true love.

But if you cannot bring yourself to do that yet, please at least think about doing what I recommend above. You should at this point honestly tell her, at every step of the way, what you need in order to stay and keep trying. So outline the above steps to her and make clear that every one is REQUIRED if she is interested in a chance to rebuild.

And if she falls short know she is only doing so because she places the ability to interact romantically and physically with other men higher above the importance of a life with you.

If she refuses to do any or all of these things then I’m afraid you need to come to terms with the fact that she is not your life partner, let alone a soul mate, and find the strength to tell her you are moving on. It’s hard, but over time you will find that power in yourself to make it happen.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:06 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

Gently, cheating is emotional abuse.

This woman has been abusing you for years.

More than likely she is a serial cheater.

She has shown you repeatedly who she is, why don't you believe her?

She is not going to stop because you have tolerated it.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Please seek therapy to figure out why you would put up with repeated infidelity? You deserve someone who is faithful and not a liar.

I’m going to be rather blunt because I see issues beyond the infidelity here. I’m also going to jump from one issue to another.

Fiancé is the title used to describe the period between when you decide to commit to marriage to the time the marriage takes place. You two have been together for 20 years and have a 17 year old daughter. When – in the last reasonable time like not more than 3 years – did you two decide to marry and therefore you graduate from bf/gf to engaged? Considering yourself “engaged” for more than 3 years IMHO indicates an issue.

What has prevented the both of you from marrying? Remember marriage is (as far as the law sees it) a civil event – you can sign the forms and do a ceremony/blessing later. I’m asking because

You make some mentions on what’s yours. Is there any chance that in your state simply being together that long with the same legal residence can form some form of common-law marriage or grant her some rights to compentsation despite major items like the home being in your name? It’s definitely something you should research to better know and understand your position.

She has a past of keeping truths from you. Infidelity is serious stuff, but what tends to kill relationships is lying and lack of trust. When she refuses to tell you the truth she is showing you extreme lack of trust – she doesn’t trust your reactions to the truth. This in turn wrecks any basis you might have to trust her. With this being her fourth issue/infidelity I wonder why there is so little trust from her and why there is any trust at all from you.

What do YOU want?

If your daughter is 17 and you two not married there shouldn’t be much holding back on you. If you want out then it’s a relatively simple situation: You resolve the legal issue of if she has any claim to your assets, find a reasonable solution to that, divide assets and debts and separate. Your daughter at her age can decide whom she wants as the prime caregiver for the year before she reaches 18 and you two have a plan in place for her schooling, insurance and costs. Frankly – your and your “fiancé” could be done and dusted in a week or two.

If you want this relationship…

Well… it needs a lot of work. It’s possible, but the key isn’t solving “this” affair. You have done that three times previously. You can solve “this” affair only to have to find us again in a year or two. The key IMHO is rather to communicate and you two DECIDE if you want to be together. Try to dig into things like why you are still “engaged” after 20 years. What’s been holding back on you committing? Why does she have this need to go elsewhere? What is she willing to do to fix that need? Why doesn’t she trust you with the truth? What can you two do to establish a base of truth (thinking poly here…)?

If you two are willing to do that work and to discover why you are still talking about your relationship as if you aren’t committed… well… I can see a reason and maybe the possibility of working on this.

Let me be clear on one thing though, despite what I have shared above: Her affairs and her decisions to have affairs are totally hers. Even if your relationship dynamics might be off then it’s no reason or excuse or justification for her decision. Nor is a 20 year old relationship a condition for trying to work things out. If you decide this relationship isn’t what you want or if she can’t commit to reconciling you are better off terminating this relationship rather than discovering a fifth affair in a couple of years.

I can relate to you my friend, I am in the same boat like you. Married to a serial cheater and liar is no fun and will eventually bring you down mentally and physically.

Listen to the advise you get here, it's blunt, it hurts but it's meant in your best interest and to help you to see past your own denial and delusion.

Me helped to see my situation with this mental picture.

I build a house right at the cliffs. The view was mesmerizing, a lot of great memories were shaped in this house. However, one day there was a mud slide and my house was gone. Instead of finding a safer place to rebuild, I decided to just move a couple feet over and build it new. The view was still great but I could also see the debris of the old home, while looking down the cliff. And sure enough another mud slide happened.

This time I will find a safe place to rebuild.

No matter how great your life is in between the mud slides, an unsafe building spot is just a bad investment of your emotions and your future.

Take care about yourself.

[This message edited by 3rdTimeIsACharm at 6:59 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

She swears on our daughter they didn't have sex

they had sex

Please remember that cheaters lie. If they are going to cheat... then they are going to lie. Your fiancees story doesn't even sound true...and she has rewritten it several times... lied several time already.

The worse is that this is the fourth time she has cheated and she wants credit for not having been caught cheating for 13 years? That's like telling a police officer that you shouldn't go to jail even though this is your 4th offence because you haven't been caught "recently". It doesn't work that way...

She was planning to get married, she had a wedding ring on her finger, she had been given the gift of R three other times... Why, Why, Why would she sext another man for two months? Visit him at least twice (cheater lie) texts that are soo bad you HAD to delete them... stay over 6 hours at night?

You are hopeing for a smoking gun to prove she cheated... but you know she did. The above even without the sex is cheating.

If that is still not enough take her phone and run the program on it and let her know you are doing this. Also ask her to write out a timeline of all interactions, all sexting, all photo's sent. That you will go over her timeline while going through the phone messages and see if it all lines up.

That if you find out she's lying she will need to take a poly to earn back your trust.

Just so you know you may not get all of the text from the phone ... hopefully you will get some information from her timeline...and from the phone.

Sex should not be the dealbreaker, three other times plus what you already know really should be enough.

She seems very, very manipulative. My guess is that all of those tears, the not eatting, the "sick" are for her and not for you. Her thinking about what she is losing (ATM), home, marriage... Not about the fact that she has done this to you at least 4 times (probably many more because she was so bold about it).

Good luck

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:32 AM, March 29th (Monday)]