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perception vs. truth

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Phantasmagoria posted 3/26/2021 00:34 AM

When the trust has gone, there is no relationship.

While painful, itís as simple as that!

Buffer posted 3/26/2021 20:48 PM

Brother,

I have decided that I canít wait for two and a half weeks to appease my conscience, so yesterday night I had a good chat with my oldest and best friend. He now knows what I am going through, and I am flying out to his city tomorrow evening for a long weekend there
Hopefully the weekend will pass and the results are enough to satisfy you and that you can move forward. Good luck
One day at a time.

Decorum posted 3/28/2021 15:02 PM

By the time someone comes to a place like this with the concerns and gut feeling you have, there proves to be infidelity in a very high number of cases.

Please don't go through with the wedding unless all is truly resolved to your complete satisfaction.

Absolon posted 3/29/2021 10:28 AM

Met with the PI just now. She is cheating on me with the guy I mentioned.

Am in shock and am totally devastated.

On Friday night, he stayed the night at my actual place with her and didnít leave until the next morning. On Saturday night, for whatever reason they stayed in a hotel until the next morning.

PI has time-stamped photographic proof.

Too numb to write any more.

Butforthegrace posted 3/29/2021 10:40 AM

Although you're probably feeling gutted right now, there must be at least a small voice feeling relieved. You confirm that your suspicions and perceptions were not being paranoid or jumping to unwarranted conclusions.

My advice would be to take a pause. Gather yourself. Get clarity on the next steps. Because the first thing you should to is confront her firmly and with a clear picture of what those steps should be.

As an interim step, you might consider informing the BOW first. That might also be a way to triangulate information.

She must move out.
You will immediately cancel all wedding arrangements.
The two of you must sever all financial entanglements.

Once that is done, NC between you, forever.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:41 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

DanielJK posted 3/29/2021 10:47 AM

Shit, Iím so sorry to hear that.

Itís one thing to suspect it, but to have confirmation changes everything. Itís devastating.

Google ďbetrayal traumaĒ to get an idea of what is happening to you. This is serious, it hurts like a motherfucker and itís like PTSD. Your bodyís fight or flight instincts are on super high alert right now, itís naturalÖweíve all been there. Try to remember that you are generally safe, your mind and body are reacting as if you are in mortal danger, but you are safeÖI know itís not much, but try to remember that ultimately you are safe.

Take care of yourself. Make sure you eat, drink and exercise. Seriously, you need to stay healthy. Please take good care of yourself. Talk to your doctor, get something for stress, anxiety, or sleep as necessary. I had a hell of a time sleeping and used a sleep aid.

Stick with us. The folks here will help you get through this. There are others here who will have really good advice for you.

If there is another betrayed spouse, you need to let her know.

Take some time for you. Focus on you. Itís OK to be down, but try to hold your head up. Youíve done nothing wrong.

ETA: when you confront her get ready for gaslighting, DARVO, and blame shifting. Seriously, be really ready because she is likely to take you down some rabbit holes when you confront her. Be calm, if you can't be calm then fake it til you make it, just stay calm. You are the adult in the room...you control the narrative. Take control of the situation and do not let her distract you. Cheaters are absolute grand masters at obfuscation, get ready for it. I can't say it enough, STAY FOCUSED like a laser..."you are cheating on me and it ends now!"

ETA: She might say shit like "oh, you were spying on me!" like you are the bad guy...don't stand for that shit.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 10:55 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

grubs posted 3/29/2021 10:51 AM

Sorry. But it is better to have found this out now than a year from now.

She must move out.

Ask and see if she will. Whether you can actually force her to leave is likely limited by tenancy laws. Don't be surprised if she initially agrees than decides to stay. If she insists, you will need to evict her. If she is on mortgage/lease you will not even be able to do that. I would have addressing the living arrangements on the top of the list. Attorneys might need to be involved.

Do you have somewhere to stay temporarily in case she refuses to leave?

BentandBroken posted 3/29/2021 10:53 AM

Oh, Absolon. I am so sorry. I know there are no words to make you feel less pain at this moment. You are among a community of people who understand because we've been there.

We are here for you. Post when you can.

BlueRaspberry posted 3/29/2021 10:56 AM

Absolon,

I believe you mentioned the AP is the husband of "one of her good female friends". Suggest you inform her friend and provide any evidence you've acquired so she can decide what to do. Also, let both of your families know why you're calling off the wedding, including her family. She needs to get into counseling (perhaps her family can facilitate) since this appears to be an incredibly destructive pattern. Lastly, make sure she returns her engagement ring to you - I don't think she can legally keep it.

This0is0Fine posted 3/29/2021 10:57 AM

Absolon,

I feel awful for you. I know this isn't what you were hoping for. My advice to you remains the same, you just have more evidence now. That advice is to break up with your fiance, and never contact her again. Hard 180, gray rock, etc.

Take care of your health. Make sure you eat healthy, drink water, and try to sleep (I know this is almost impossible early on).

Sending strength.

Bigger posted 3/29/2021 11:09 AM

So now take the next steps.

If you can afford a PI you can afford legal counsel regarding how best to move her out. Chances are it wonít be an issue Ė you two can agree on when she moves and where she sleeps until that takes place.
Please tell us you are letting the OM wife know.

What you discovered is not the worst outcome of them all. In your situation there were three possibilities: Not discovering infidelity (great!), discovering infidelity (sucks) and the absolute worst: no resolution and suspecting her of cheating (double sucks). What you discovered is plain and simple reality, and we can always handle reality.

Stevesn posted 3/29/2021 11:29 AM

If you can, before you confront see if you can get her phone away from her and send yourself screenshots of the texts between them. They may also use FB messenger or WhatsApp or another messaging program.

Youíll want those messages.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:57 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

BlueRaspberry posted 3/29/2021 11:53 AM

Absolon,

One more point. When you confront, make sure you either a) have a witness (family or friend) or b) VAR or cell phone recording. She has sociopathic qualities, so its best to protect yourself from any potential domestic abuse allegations.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 12:04 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 3/29/2021 12:04 PM

Sorry Absolon for your pain, and we here understand it oh so well unfortunately. Really, years from now, you will look back at this moment and realize that you came out on top. You may not feel this way now, but you were able to catch her before you got hitched, and that is for the best.

I would not inform the other betrayed spouse/GF until you have your plan together. Once you let the cat out of the bag, you may find it much harder to implement your plan to get her out.

See how you can legally get her to leave, if that means sending her a notice so be it. After you have that figured out, I'd invite her and her family and the other women and OM if they are all friends and pretend that you are doing a celebratory thing. Than, drop the images and proof from the PI. Ask for the ring back and let the entire group know that you have formally ask your fiance to move out, and she has X days to do so. At that time, you also set your boundaries. GF, no texting me, no ...... whatever it is you wish. At that same time, in front of the whole group, tell her you want your ring back. She has to give it to you, its the law. She doesn't get to keep the engagement ring, and she cant say that she lost it later. Drop that bomb on her and walk the fuck out. You win.

MyShovel posted 3/29/2021 13:00 PM

I'm so sorry, Absolon. You are not alone. Every single one of us here has felt what you are feeling right now. Some things to consider when you are able to think more clearly:

- Do you have family/friends you can lean on locally? Someplace you can stay for a night or two? In a pinch, extended stay hotels are an option, but not ideal as far as isolation goes.

- If you have a close relationship with your boss, let him/her know what is going on.

- Were I you, I'd be the one moving out. Contact the rental agency to see what it would take to get your name off of the lease. No way I'd want to stay after she invited another man into that home, into that bed. You may feel differently, and that's OK too. Others have stayed, and bought new furniture, redecorated, etc.

- However you choose to confront, be prepared for BS excuses, blameshifting and manipulation. Seeing all that for what it is will be crucial to your healing.

In your first post, you wrote about how the two of you were still as much in love as the day you met. The realization that this was only true for one of you is perhaps the most painful of all, and it will take time to work through it. Use that pain to steel your resolve. You deserve better.

[This message edited by MyShovel at 1:02 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 3/29/2021 13:02 PM

Met with the PI just now. She is cheating on me with the guy I mentioned.

Am in shock and am totally devastated.

Man, I've been there.

There's knowing, and then there's KNOWING. It is such a yawning void between the two, that you wouldn't think there would be.

Well, knowing beats believing. At least you are working from a position of truth.

My recommendation, give your partner nothing. Ghost her to the maximum extent possible. Give her nothing of your internal state, your feelings, your thoughts. She deserves zero. Let her deal with the uncertainty now. You owe her nothing but a parting of ways.

Minimal confrontation. Just...we're not getting married and we are splitting up now. Goodbye.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:05 PM, March 29th (Monday)]

justastatistic posted 3/29/2021 13:20 PM

Sorry to hear about this. Please make sure to give his wife a copy of the PI's report.

siracha posted 3/29/2021 13:38 PM

Im sorry this happened but in a few months you will be so overjoyed that you didnt go through with the wedding
Now that you know she is a cheater heres whats next - You will soon learn what a huge liar and manipulator she is too. .
She will probably spend the next few weeks lying crying accusing you of things and trying to manipulate you . Be prepared for that. Your best strategy is going no contact as quickly as possible
Please know that you dont owe her anything , whenever she asks you for anything ask her for years of your life back first .

Bigger posted 3/29/2021 14:12 PM

Are you convinced?
Remember: Thatís the only criteria the evidence needs to meet. That YOU are convinced.
Frankly a lot of the suggestions are offering dramaÖ
Avoid drama at all costs!

You KNOW sheís cheating based on the evidence the PI provided.
If this is a relationship ender for you then thatís it. Since you two arenít married per se it boils down to how you can end this relationship in a morally acceptable and legal manner.
Basically, if sheís living in your house then how you can move her and her stuff out. Itís HIGHLY unlikely that you can legally throw her out, but its just as unlikely that she will need to be evicted. You two need to find a reasonable and adult way to solve residency in the shortest, quickest way possible.

Donít bother with the texts, further evidence, having some Hercul Poirot all-in-the-same-room Hollywood drama confrontation. There is no profit whatsoever for you. Itís plain and simple:
I know you are having an affair with OM. I have seen proof and am 100% convinced. This of course terminates our relationship. Since the house is mine then I want you out as soon as possible.
Donít show her photos, tell her about the PI or anything. You just KNOW. You can ask what he was doing that Friday or where she was the night after, but allow HER to provide the info rather than you feed it to her.

Regarding the OM wife. Tell her the truth. That you are terminating your engagement with her friend because you are convinced sheís having an affair with her husband. You can let her know of the PI evidence, but itís not your role to convince her.


If you have some hope of reconciliationÖ Friend Ė I have to say that with her track-record I strongly suggest you save yourself that bother.

fareast posted 3/29/2021 14:12 PM

I am very sorry your fears turned out to be true. But at least you know the truth. I totally agree with HouseOfPlane. Detach. Give her nothing of your emotions. Ghost her with minimal contact. Best of luck and hang in there.

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