Thank you so sincerely for the continued insight, support and care.
I returned home yesterday evening, and my WF had indeed left a handwritten letter in my mailbox. At first, I resisted the urge to open it and in fact went to sleep undecided about whether I would open it at all. But I couldn’t sleep, eventually gave up and opened the letter.
I wanted to sleep (what little I could cobble together) on it, reflect, then post a summary of the letter here.
So here I am today:
• She started with a simple apology, saying that she would never forgive herself for the hurt she has caused me.
• She then said that her and her AP are ‘completely done … forever’.
• She then went into deeply explicit, almost forensic, detail about the degree to which I was her best lover, etc etc, ever. While a) I don’t care and b) it no longer matters, I will give her credit for the level of detail she provided about what I did for her in that regard—and, as compared against AP and all previous lovers. It was both weird and touching.
• She then provided a timeline of how things unfolded. Just a few weeks before the September dinner party (where I thought I saw them holding hands under the table), AP phoned her and asked whether she could meet because he and his wife (OBS) were having marital difficulties and, given my WF and OBS were friends, apparently my WF would provide the requisite insight he sought.
• They met for coffee one workday morning, about 7-8 days before the dinner party, which lead to him texting her throughout the next week. On the morning of our dinner party, under the pretext of an over-lengthy shopping trip, she met with him in a park and there he confessed his deep infatuation for her. She said she was ashamed for how she fell for his lines, but his primary ‘argument’ was that if she felt even 25% of what he did for her, that she should ‘scratch that itch’ before committing to marriage.
• She said she told him a firm ‘NO’ to that, but that throughout the dinner party later that night that he was playing footsies with her under the table. She says it was ‘pretty much the unluckiest thing in the world’ that I happened to turn back at the very moment he put his hand through hers. She says he initiated that too.
• They had their first kiss in late October, amazingly when she was over for drinks and dinner at AP and OBS’s place on a weekend where I was away. OBS had gone to put the kids to bed after dinner, and he had kissed my WF passionately while his wife was out of the room. She knew it was wrong but also called it ‘thrilling’.
• He had apparently put a lot of pressure on her throughout November to get me to agree to having he and OBS on our January vacation; a lot of their texting throughout Nov and Dec was based around scenario after scenario he conjured to say how they would manage to have illicit sex right under our noses.
• She was vague about sexual details but said it began in early February. AP insisted it be in my house as often as they could manage. She said that his ‘ultimate thrill’ was to humiliate me.
• Remarkably, her Big Argument was as follows: that she acknowledges that infidelity is ‘in her blood’ (not sure whether a reference to ‘bloodline’ or ‘DNA’—perhaps both are true), yet … yet … that she was 100% excited and prepared to put all of that behind her because I am ‘the perfect man’. Her twisted logic was that by having this affair, it would ‘purge’ her of all the ‘demons’ and would ‘cleanse’ her in preparation for a fully committed life with me. She said that the hugest appeal to this affair was her quiet loathing of this man (the one who apparently makes her feel ‘safe and secure’?!) and that, combined with his sick desire to humiliate me, the self-disgust generated from her choice to be with him would finally purge her of her 'last itch’ to cheat.
• Other than that (!), she said that she is now going to live at her parents’ indefinitely. She said she is going to undergo therapy for the first time in her life. She said she is going to write me a letter at the end of every month to update me on her progress. She said that she is going to win me back, but only on my (Absolon’s) terms. She said that my cutting her off, in the way I have, has made her realize how much she truly loves and wants me, and is devastated by her actions.
• Oh, and: she apologized .. sort of .. for her ‘emotional abuse’ crap comments – definitely for the public nature of them, but also for their inaccuracy. But she didn’t retract things entirely: she recalibrated her remarks to mean that I operate by too high a moral standard and that it is consequently ‘suffocating’. She admires me for my integrity, etc, but says it is impossible to live up to the perfectionist ideals I hold for myself and others. I need to reflect on that last comment.
Overall, I am simply too emotionally exhausted to share how I feel after reading all of this. Honestly: I don’t have a clue what emotions are left, or available, to me.
I will never be able to see her the same way again. Perhaps I am too exacting in my standards, and perhaps I need to soften a little in terms of how much tolerance I have for my flaws and others’. But there is a lot in there that pulls me back to her.
I will remain NC with her; don’t worry.
And OBS has reached out to me, asking for another coffee this Thursday – because our coffee last week apparently ‘helped’.