Newest Member: loyaltylost

New Beginnings :
SO feels we have no future

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 justkate (original poster member #32488) posted at 2:21 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Today my SO of almost 3yrs dropped the bomb on me that he feels we have no future...part of his reasoning is I own my house and he rents an apt. I had thought he was going to move in next yr after my youngest moves out. He said oh your boys wouldn't tolerate that... I said they don't understand why we aren't already living together.

He said that this has been on his mind since before Christmas!! Basically since then he'd been a bit distant but I put it down to his work and some sibling health concerns... boy was I wrong.

He said he wants time to work out in his head so my question is how much time would be reasonable or is this just some weird way of him forcing my hand to end things?

I am so confused and in shock right now.

me - BS
him - cheater/compulsive liar and no longer in my headspace and not a concern

Dec 28, 2012 Divorced

The future - mine to do what I wish!

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2011   ·   location: ON Canada
id 8643886
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 2:59 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Are the living arrangements the only reason he sees no future together.

I would delve a little deeper.

If anything, you could look at buying something together eventually.

But if he has doubts about the 2 of you continuing, you need to protect yourself and your children. Why wouldn’t your boys tolerate him moving in with you?

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 947   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8643892
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 3:17 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

My XSO said similar to me after SIX years, only it was phrased more as "I think it will be difficult for us."

Then I uncovered he had already cheated on me about three months prior to that declaration. Seems in his mind he already ended things with us but forgot to tell me.

Call me skeptical, but I would give him all the time he needs. Permanently.

Your call though as only you know your own situation.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It really sucks being blindsided with such an unexpected pronouncement.

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9011   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8643895
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 justkate (original poster member #32488) posted at 3:45 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Thank you for your thoughts, it gives me things to think about.

"Are the living arrangements the only reason he sees no future together.

I would delve a little deeper.

If anything, you could look at buying something together eventually."

I don't feel that is everything and I even said we could do that, we'd talked before of living in the country. He did say something along the lines of goals being different as I have a house and he's just "SO" in an apartment.

The boys are all good, only one left at home. The younger 2 know what has happened as I can't lie worth a poop.

Funnily enough the older of the 2 and a friend I spoke with both said "who has put those thoughts in his head" I feel too that is an idea.

"Then I uncovered he had already cheated on me about three months prior to that declaration. Seems in his mind he already ended things with us but forgot to tell me."

I really hope that isn't the case as his marriage ended because his ex cheated on him.

I did msg him tonite just asking if we'd still keep msg'g and got no response. A simple yes or no would have been enough. So the fact he won't even answer seems to be an answer of sorts.

So there is part of me that says it is over and I will have to be the one to say its over.

me - BS
him - cheater/compulsive liar and no longer in my headspace and not a concern

Dec 28, 2012 Divorced

The future - mine to do what I wish!

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2011   ·   location: ON Canada
id 8643903
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AnnieOakley ( member #13332) posted at 4:13 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Kate,

I would venture a guess you have your answer. Especially since this has been on his mind for months and he has used the weak excuses of you as a homeowner and your boys not tolerating. If there has not been conflict between himself and your boys, he is either deflecting or inflating some imaginary/minor strife.

I would give him all the time he wants. Alone. And yes, I expect he wants you to be the bad guy, because usually once those words are spoken...the one speaking...is not going to put any effort forth. The relationship is now on life support and only one person is doing any work and that will be you.

As difficult as those words are to hear (I heard them from the xbf, it was about 3 yrs dating and my only relationship after D), I had to listen. It was difficult. I think there were likely some underlying financial jealousy as well. Who knows.

Think about what needs to be done to untangle the relationship and start working towards that. Resist the urges to reach out to him. If by some small chance he engages, be wary. What could possibly have made him change his mind in XYZ time period? Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

You deserve better. ☮️

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:16 PM, March 21st (Sunday)]

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8643906
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 justkate (original poster member #32488) posted at 4:51 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

@AnnieOakely - Thank you. I think you are correct and it is up to me now. I promised myself when my marriage ended I would never beg or plead with someone to stay with me...yet what did I do this morning??

So that was a step backwards, time to move forward.

me - BS
him - cheater/compulsive liar and no longer in my headspace and not a concern

Dec 28, 2012 Divorced

The future - mine to do what I wish!

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2011   ·   location: ON Canada
id 8643912
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 justkate (original poster member #32488) posted at 4:52 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Duplicated myself

[This message edited by justkate at 10:54 PM, March 21st (Sunday)]

me - BS
him - cheater/compulsive liar and no longer in my headspace and not a concern

Dec 28, 2012 Divorced

The future - mine to do what I wish!

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2011   ·   location: ON Canada
id 8643913
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 5:03 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Really sorry you are going through this. So hard.

Chin up. You deserve love and loyalty.

posts: 795   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8643914
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 justkate (original poster member #32488) posted at 5:11 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Thank you Shehawk for that and sadly I thought I had found that but I'm seeing now that doesn't seem to be the reality.

me - BS
him - cheater/compulsive liar and no longer in my headspace and not a concern

Dec 28, 2012 Divorced

The future - mine to do what I wish!

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2011   ·   location: ON Canada
id 8643917
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 5:27 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Call me skeptical, but I would give him all the time he needs. Permanently.

I'm with Phoenix1.

He's done.

I'm so sorry, justkate. Breakups suck.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4373   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8643919
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Karmafan ( member #53810) posted at 8:14 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

A feeble excuse if ever there was one! I think he’s already made up his mind Kate. But it’s not that straightforward to break up after three years together and he’s skirting around the issue. I ended my own LT relationship in the summer and it took a lot of courage. I knew we were done by April but only broke it off in August. One thing I didn’t do though, is find stupid excuses like your bf is doing. That’s being a coward. After so long together, the least you deserve is the truth!

But please, resist the urge to beg: it doesn’t get you anywhere and it normally has the opposite effect. If infidelity has taught us anything is that we deserve someone who thinks we are more than good enough!

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8643929
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 10:47 AM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

I agree this is a very feeble excuse. If there is further contact I wouldn't try to provide suggestions or offer solutions. At the most I would ask him what outcome would be satisfactory for him. Let him come up with them. Then you can evaluate them from your perspective.

If he had come to you and indicated he was having some issues and would like to discuss them that implies he would be wanting joint problem solving. He didn't. Is his ego so fragile that he's uncomfortable that you own a home and he doesn't? Maybe he's trying to set up that you will put him on title or promise to.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4689   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8643938
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:44 PM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

He’s sent out the Bat Signal.

Sadly it’s over.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10894   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8643956
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:17 PM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

Oh JKate - just your title made me say [outloud] "Whattahell?" Even before I read your post.

I call BS on his excuse. It isn't a sudden "surprise that you have a house...and him an apartment". So that makes no sense to me.

Then add he has been pondering this since before Christmas and never discussed it with you?

I think it is sucky that he is using the "your boys wouldn't tolerate that...." line as well.

Don't get me wrong, I understand all those logistics because meshing households is not an easy task but you just work through it.

But I really don't feel that is your SO's ultimate reason anyway so we will skip going into the house meshing ideas.

I am sorry he did this to you. You have the right idea - you need to step back. Then IF and when he gets his head together...you can decide IF you even want to entertain his plan.

(Sorry - but he made me so mad for you).

posts: 6685   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8643967
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GotTheShaft ( member #52466) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, March 22nd, 2021

justkate,

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I went through something very similar at the end of August, and I posted about it on this forum under the heading "Just got dumped". Mine was similar to yours in that we had dated for 2-1/2 years, and one Friday night she just called me up and said she didn't feel like she had been in the relationship for a while, wanted to break up, and didn't want to discuss it. Then she defriended me on Facebook the next day, and she's ghosted me ever since. I had no idea what the heck happened. One day we were happy, the next she's done. A week after, my best friend of 36 years decided he didn't want to be my friend any more, and he wanted to remain friends with my exGF. Again, no real explanation, but I've been dismissed by him as well.

A couple months after my breakup, I discovered information that points to the exGF cheating on me for the last 3-4 months of our relationship. So, that explains her behavior, her ending our relationship, and her not wanting to discuss it.

As Phoenix pointed out, this might be the case in your relationship. I hope not, but it's highly possible, especially when the excuses provided don't make sense.

Stay strong. You're not alone.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2016
id 8643983
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 7:21 AM on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2021

Well, goodbye then!

Call me skeptical, but I would give him all the time he needs. Permanently.

Exactly my sentiment. I don't care how much it hurts to say goodbye, I will never ever beg a man to love me and want to be with me. If he's not 10000% in, I'm gone. No sense wasting my time, devotion, and loyalty on someone who isn't worthy of it.

To add further, big chance he's cheating. But does it really matter? He's obviously not worthy of you.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

posts: 5955   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 8644270
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 8:55 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Bumped by scaredwoman's request.

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8698576
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 11:19 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021

Thank you staff!

Hi justkate, just checking in to see how you're doing. It has been several months since things ended between you and your long-term SO. I'm hoping you are in a good place and doing well.

posts: 197   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8698602
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