I hate my brother's girlfriend, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. They've been dating 5ish years, and living together going on 4 years, and in that time, I've barely gotten to know her, because every effort has been rebuffed or ignored. My brother's behavior has definitely changed since they've been together (and I'm not the only person who has noticed or commented on this), and on the very rare occasions that we do see him (alone, because she almost never comes to any family or friend event she's been invited to), he makes remarks or complains about how she's lazy, bad with money, expects him to pay for everything, does zero housework or cooking, neglects to do any tasks he asks her to help with or do for him when he's away for work (which is often).
Specific things he's complained about include:
-paying hundreds of dollars for a pet because she wanted a specific color. He wanted to adopt one from a shelter.
-having all their furniture match the color of said pet. He brought one item of furniture into their apartment and had to fight for it because she didn't like that it didn't match the rest of her color scheme.
-insisting on a leather couch -- my brother is a sweaty guy and said that he didn't want to stick to a leather couch when the weather gets warm, and 2. the pet would ruin it (which it has).
-she's spent more on hair extensions in a month than her half of their shared rent and bills cost.
-and then would ask him to cover things like their groceries for the month because she was short on cash.
-but then would go shopping for bags and bags of new clothes.
-he's the only one that cooks, and she complained she's tired of his recipes so he needs to learn some new ones. 
-gave him an STD after they had been together for years. Her doctor said that it could have been lying dormant, but... I am on this site for a reason and therefore my mind immediately goes to infidelity.
-he complains that she never leaves their apartment. (Yes, we're in a pandemic still, but he complained about this before 2020.)
-he bought a countertop dishwasher because he was tired of doing all the cooking AND always doing all the dishes.
-her family doesn't know he exists/they're dating because they wouldn't approve for religious reasons.
-he asked my mom to pet sit while he was on a business trip because there was some concern she wouldn't be able to handle their pet on her own. 
(It didn't end up happening though, but still...)
-one time he asked her to do his laundry for him (or at the very least, drop it off at the laundromat and pay for it to be done) because he had back-to-back business trips and would basically be home for less than a day and needed clean clothes to pack for his second trip, and whoops! She forgot.
He (and she) say they don't want kids (which is fine, I don't care either way), BUT he did say to me once that he wouldn't want to have a kid with her, because he already takes care of everything, so that would be like having two kids.
As for things that he hasn't complained about, but I've noticed first hand:
-my parents and WH helped them move in together. When they showed up at her apartment many years ago, she had not packed a single item, and it took all day to get her packed up and moved since nothing had been done beforehand. She didn't buy them dinner or drinks (idk about where you're from, but where we're from, if friends help you move, you pay for pizza + beer that night).
-she made a derogatory comment about our ethnic background at my LO's 1st birthday party because we had some white and red wine for guests to drink. We also had seltzer, juice, coffee and tea...
-my brother invited me to her birthday party years ago ON the afternoon of her party. Keep in mind, I have two kids, and WH already had plans that night, so I had to decline.
-I've never been invited to another birthday party for her.
-but I have always invited her to my birthday parties. The last one was in 2019 before... everything. I made a Facebook invite for pizza and beer on our roof. Super lowkey, about 10 friends, including my brother. She RSVPed yes, and my brother showed up solo that night. When I (casually) asked where she was, he said she was at dinner with friends.
-my dad has cancer. She didn't reach out to my parents once to offer any sort of help or condolences or well wishes. Nothing. Nada. Radio silence. (My brother was largely the same. No offers to help my mom out with anything. Never offered to meet them at the hospital to help him get home after surgery or keep my mom company. 
)
-we had my brother and his girlfriend over for a small big # birthday dinner during the pandemic. My brother kept saying he was so tired, just wanted to go home and go to bed. Girlfriend kept insisting they HAD to go to her friend's birthday party that night after they left. Turns out it was a surprise party FOR my brother. She didn't invite me, but she did invite one of my brother and I's best friend's (which is how I found out -- said friend asked me about the party, and I was like "What party?").
-she's never attended a family event with my brother, big or small. No holidays, no milestone occasions, not even a barbecue. They've lived together for years and almost no one, except for our immediate family has met her.
I could... go on. With more examples, more people that don't like her, etc.
I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and angry about all of this. I miss my brother dearly. On the rare occasions I get to see him, I've mentioned that I miss him, and I'd love to hang out more, and he says he misses me, too. But on the occasions that she comes over with him, he's totally different -- they largely sit off to the side by themselves, she barely makes small talk with anyone, and he basically waits on her, bringing her food or drinks so she doesn't have to move from her seat.
Obviously the pandemic has made everything even more difficult, but before covid hit the US, I would reach out once every couple of months and invite him over for dinner or would see if he wanted to go do something, but he would usually be too busy.
After I found out about the surprise party, I directly messaged him and asking if I had done something wrong or offended them somehow that I wouldn't even get invited to my own brother's milestone birthday party, and he assured me no, it was just an oversight on his girlfriend's part.
But... I don't know what to do anymore. I miss my brother. I swear, I haven't mentioned any of these feelings I have about his girlfriend to him, and I've always done my best to keep reaching out to him and to invite them both to hang out and do things, and send her (thoughtful!) birthday presents but... I'm starting to hit a point where I just want to stop making any effort. I guess I worry that if I do 1. I really won't ever see him, and 2. I don't want to make him feel alienated or isolated if/when they ever do break up.
Any advice or how to proceed? How to stop loathing her? Or how to stop caring?
Edited to add: one of his best friends for the past 25+ years is also one of my closest friends. They don't like his girlfriend either, think he's totally different around her, and think it's weird that they've 1. never been invited to his apartment with her in the years they've been together AND 2. that he's never been to their new apartment in the 3 years they've lived there. For the record, the live about 20-30 minutes apart from each other via car.
[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:05 AM, March 15th (Monday)]
