SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is particularly revolting here is that the OM is using what appears to be the Mormon concept of sister wives as a way of legitimizing his destroying BHs family and marriage.

The fact that it's three against one, OM/OMW/WW, is horrifying as well.

The religious aspect set me off as I put an end to my Ws taking OM3 to church with her and the people at my Ws church couldn't understand why. I would suppose however if I were to sit in the pew with their daughters 30 years younger than me they might get it.

Much of the advice we give is counter-intuitive to newcomers, so it can be hard for them to fully grasp. Let's help him do that!

If you read each of the comments you will see that much help and advice was given, only to be met with being called names and refusing to read further. You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink it. However, being kicked in the gut while leading him to the water makes one want to back off completely and let him fend for himself. I think that's what many are feeling so don't minimize those feelings either.

@DV, I didn't get that other post either!

[This message edited by newlife03 at 10:12 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

I don't think the OP inkarnit can be helped. His reactions are a what not to do, and he will not even consider the advice and strategies from experienced people.

At some level I think he is enjoying the pain.

Let's spend out time helping people who need and are open to it.

Xzy89c

Really, you are saying, that he is a masochist, I think that he is still in shock, with all this, because if you think, this is not something normal, it occurs in people with serious problems, a lack of integrity and dignity.

My humble opinion, I think you should, take a few days off and try to be alone, to be able to meditate and be more clear about what you really want, being with her, and seeing her every day, it is not very healthy, you will start soon. to be born other feelings, that perhaps you have never experienced, such as, hatred, resentment, disgust, rejection, for which it would be very good for you to take a few days, perhaps with your son. think about it is not a bad idea.

OP, do you have full access to her phone, computer, Facebook, etc? How do you know she is telling you the truth about "weaning contact" with him?

I hope inkarnit comes back and tells us how he is doing.

I know what it is like to live with a WS who keeps in touch with AP, it sucks.

I hope inkarnit comes back and tells us how he is doing.

It very likely won't happen unless/until his WW has left him for good. There are people (myself included) who can't stop clinging to hope and no amount of gentleness or tough love will get them to "unstuck". Life must make this tragic and painful choice for them. Only then can they start rebuilding their inner life and well-being. It's certainly happened to me, maybe to you and possibly countless others. I sure hope he'll drop by one day.

I read each response to inkarnit and they were harsh. They were true but brutally harsh. I think siracha had a valid point. The ww has had two previous dysfunctional relationships. She can not thrive ina healthy relationship so she creates dysfunction. The ww needs intense counseling to figure out why she needs dysfunction.

Inkarnit needs counseling to help him learn to not accept dysfunction. He also needs to protect himself and his child. Inkarnit if you are still reading please take steps to protect your self. Separate financials, take the advice of your attorney. Also keep in mind that just because you separate or divorce your ww does not mean that you do not love her. You have received good advice from people that have walked the path you are on. Best of luck to you.

You read "each response" and they were all not just "harsh" but "brutally harsh"??

Not some of the comments were "harsh" but "each of them" were "brutally harsh"??

Shaking my damn head

Sometimes, when a BS is deep in their fog, brutal honesty is needed.

We see it on the wayward forum. What gets through to the majority of the new,foggy WS? The more vlunt,blunt, posts.

Same goes for some BS.

However, I think we were

Sometimes, when a BS is deep in their fog, brutal honesty is needed.

We see it on the wayward forum. What gets through to the majority of the new,foggy WS? The more vlunt,blunt, posts.

Same goes for some BS.

However, I think we were all taken for a ride with this one.

I did not say the responses were wrong, just brutally harsh. I hope that inkarnit has stopped reading and posting.

I read each response to inkarnit and they were harsh.

I did not say the responses were wrong, just brutally harsh.

Now that is offensive! OP was rude and dismissive, YET WE ARE THE PROBLEM.

The truth of infidelity is ugly and the advice is counter-intuitive, there is no dressing you can put on the shit-sandwich of betrayal to make it palatable. It is a common, accepted and effective practice to deliver 2x4s when a newly betrayed is refusing to accept those truths. TOO MANY of us have been given the same advice/truths of infidelity and managed. The fact is OP was not ready nor not willing to accept the advice WE’VE ALL received.

There is no reason to turn this on SI members.

However, I think we were all taken for a ride with this one.

YEP!

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:16 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]

However, I think we were all taken for a ride with this one.

YEP!

The way some threads and stories unfold has me wonder if we don't fall victim to wannabe writers crowdsourcing ideas for their plotlines and characters.

I was just coming by to give an update and in this last page see that my veracity is now being questioned. Everything I've put here has been true.

And I came to say that things are going well. We closed on our new home. We've been working on our relationship. She has ended all non-incidental contact with AP, ceased being a patient of his, ceased providing gym services to him. She still has a close friendship with OBS which baffles me but through that friendship is the only time she ever sees AP. Through all this, it's become clear that OBS does not know everything and I may have been led to believe she knew more than she did. I don't understand how they can be such close friends when WW was having an affair with her husband but exploring that dynamic isn't really productive for my relationship right now.

Things are not all fixed. WW would love to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. I have made it clear that it won't be enough and that counseling is necessary. But she's listening to me and responding in consistently positive ways towards our marriage and friendship.

I am not content as such with where we're at but I am hopeful in where we're heading. Our 8th anniversary is in a month and we have made plans for that. My 40th birthday was a few days ago and she threw me a great birthday party. I would say we're definitely on the path to R but I'm aware that things aren't perfect. Things are, however, moving in the right direction every day.

I was just coming by to give an update and in this last page see that my veracity is now being questioned. Everything I've put here has been true.

And I came to say that things are going well. We closed on our new home. We've been working on our relationship. She has ended all non-incidental contact with AP, ceased being a patient of his, ceased providing gym services to him. She still has a close friendship with OBS which baffles me but through that friendship is the only time she ever sees AP. Through all this, it's become clear that OBS does not know everything and I may have been led to believe she knew more than she did. I don't understand how they can be such close friends when WW was having an affair with her husband but exploring that dynamic isn't really productive for my relationship right now.

Things are not all fixed. WW would love to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. I have made it clear that it won't be enough and that counseling is necessary. But she's listening to me and responding in consistently positive ways towards our marriage and friendship.

I am not content as such with where we're at but I am hopeful in where we're heading. Our 8th anniversary is in a month and we have made plans for that. My 40th birthday was a few days ago and she threw me a great birthday party. I would say we're definitely on the path to R but I'm aware that things aren't perfect. Things are, however, moving in the right direction every day.

Great to hear from you inkarnit. I'm glad things are moving in a positive direction overall, often this is about as good as you can do when moving toward R.

I do recommend making your discontent heard clearly, which it seems like you are. I often focused on having positive and "productive" interactions with my fWW, but that often meant keeping the peace instead of bringing up my negative emotions. I now focus on having honest and genuine interactions.

I hope you can get back to a place where you feel content and safe.

Hi Inkarnit. Glad to hear your update. I can't speak for other posters but I find your struggle deeply heartfelt. There is a lot of collective wisdom on this site, but it can be delivered quite harshly. It's good to see you move a long way toward healing. Gently, I think that you have two issues that are not going to go away. 1. As long as your wife remains a close friend to OBS she is still in some kind of relationship, however indirectly with her AP. No Contact cannot happen when your wife continues an intimate friendship with her APs partner. And 2) You say that OBS still doesn't really know about the affair her "good friend" had with her H, "but exploring that dynamic isn't really productive for my relationship right now." I hope you can see the conflict here. You won't be able to heal without real separation, and your wife is not true friend of OBS if she can't/won't come clean about her dual betrayal.

Sufi, I don't disagree with you. But I just meant that "right now" I'm focusing on us and our relationship. There will come a time, probably with a counselor, where we will explore that aspect of things more. It's just not now for me. Kind of a "pick your battles" thing I guess. I don't really care about what happens with that friendship for her in the long run, but I agree that it complicates the NC thing. However, the smallness and closeness of our community already complicates that. Questions will be asked if that relationship fractured entirely. People already wonder why AP no longer comes to the gym but his wife does.

This0is0Fine, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate the advice and yes, I've been direct with my expectations and discontent. At this point, the only one that hasn't decided if the marriage will continue is me. But for now, it's going the right way.

She still has a close friendship with OBS which baffles me but through that friendship is the only time she ever sees AP. Through all this, it's become clear that OBS does not know everything and I may have been led to believe she knew more than she did. I don't understand how they can be such close friends when WW was having an affair with her husband but exploring that dynamic isn't really productive for my relationship right now.

Full and permanent NC is paramount, those who take decisive action have better results, plus there's not much to "explore", simply tell OBS the truth, your WW is a proven cheater and liar, you keep tip toeing around the issue, EXPOSE to family and close friends without warning. If OBS knew the truth I doubt they would remain "good friends" she deserves the truth, it's the right thing to do, you seem scared, this is the time to act swiftly and decisively, stop hiding her A and let her face the music, another consequence of her huge betrayal.

You've said his wife doesn't know everything.

So..let's get this clear. Your wife is NOT this woman's friend. A friend doesn't have secrets, like this,with her friend's husband.

You know the OBS is being shit on. And you are an active participant in that betrayal.

What a shame.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:54 PM, April 28th (Wednesday)]