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I then asked why and she said because Dad gets mad when she talks about me at his house and there is a rule that she and his stepson ( the W son) are not allowed to talk about their other parents or houses.

What's your gut reaction to who's idea these rules are? The exH or the exBff? This and the electronics rule are kind of strange. Maybe not enough for a child protective order, but getting close. Has DD mentioned that to her IC yet?

I don't know for sure but if I had to guess it was probably my XH rule. Many of the struggles and issues in the house stem around him and the stepson.

I know my DD has talked in IC about some things at his house but I don't know how much. I did tell the IC about the not being allowed to talk about the other house thing this morning after I talked to my DD. She is seeing her later tonight

I was way older than all of my half-siblings (I have one on mom's side and three on dad's side), so this story happened when I was about 20.

My sister on my dad's side was about 3 and she asked me where I went when I wasn't at their house. I was explaining in very broad strokes that I had a different mommy that I lived with sometimes and that she was married to daddy a long time ago (you know, like you would explain something that complicated to a three year old - suuuper general and upbeat). My stepmom overheard me and pulled me to the side and very snarkliy said to me "We don't discuss that with the children."

At the time, I was not my fabulous kickass self, so I apologized and felt bad. But now I think back on how incredibly fucked up that was. Don't discuss... "that"... what? My life?? I am not allowed to 'discuss' (read: honestly answer a child's question) anything about the life I live when I am not at dad's house?

Divorce isn't easy for anyone and navigating the new family dynamics is really hard. But it is hardest on the kids. I hated it growing up - that feeling like my life was bifurcated. What your xh is doing is damaging to your daughter. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for myself and say that a lot of those kinds of things that happened especially with my dad being a raging dick when I was young did immense amounts of damage that have taken a lot of work on my part to overcome. And part of the outcome of that process is that I no longer have a relationship with my dad.

Hopefully with the IC's help, you and him can find a way to navigate this situation that works for your daughter. Makes me sad for her cus I sure remember being her once upon a time and it really kinda sucked.

I would communicate with Satan if my child’s well-being required me to.

Note I don’t say I want to communicate with Satan, but that I would if it were in the best interest of my child. Note also that I give my advice assuming everything your daughter is saying is true. Note that I also suggest that having had or at least tried to have this conversation with them is to your advantage.

Whether we or I believe you is irrelevant. It’s what CPS, the legal system, his attorney etc will do that matters. I still think having a traceable and provable way to confirm you aired your concerns about your daughters issues is a good idea. Maybe her therapist should talk to her dad at your request? That would give you a traceable and accountable way to confirm you recognized and tried to address the problem.

Thank you Ellie,

I am so sorry you had to go through that, no child should have to. I am glad you were able to overcome it though. I am trying to give her all the support and tools I can to help her get through it.

It just makes me sad for her that she may have that type of relationship with her father too and I can't protect her from it

I never told my xh the issues the kids discussed with their IC bc he pushed HEAVILY to get them out of the 1st saying IC was messing them up. Def keep your daughter in IC bc she’s going to need the tools to deal with her dad forever!!!

I called my atty on issues like this. I really don’t understand why she’s going to her father’s house every weekend. It’s not the standard visitation in your state. Definitely email your atty/or paralegal and see what can be done and how to go about it.

Bigger,

I'm sorry I am just replying to this now, I missed it earlier. I realize that you dont want to communicate with Satan and do understand what you were saying. I apologize if I seemed at all defensive or anything. I appreciate the input you have given and you have brought up many good points.

Homewrecked,

I think that at this point if I push the IC onto the XH my experience will be similar to yours and he may say that the IC is influencing her. So for now I will keep her there and hope the IC and I will be able to give her the support she needs.

Im going to look into the custody in my state also. Honestly when we first D we had 50/50 custody and we have changed it on our own throughout the years as needed...usually based on his work schedule. I have friends who do the every other weekend thing but never actually knew that was considered the norm. I thought the weekend thing was normal and never questioned it.

She asked if I get mad or upset when she talks about Dads house and I said absolutely not because its Dad and part of her family. I then asked why and she said because Dad gets mad when she talks about me at his house and there is a rule that she and his stepson ( the W son) are not allowed to talk about their other parents or houses.

According to DD at first it was just a rule for the stepbrother but then he said it wasn't fair so they made it a rule for both kids. At least now they are screwing them up equally?

Yes, they are screwing them up equally.

During my custody evaluation process, the custody evaluator (a licensed child psychologist) explained that you *should* talk about what goes on in the other house. The analogy would be... would you make a rule that your kids can't talk about what goes on at school?

I actually have trouble with talking about my kids and their life with their mother because I know that I am very angry at their mother and that it will show while talking about her. So, instead, I talk about things that go on in their mom's house that I can talk about with a happy face, like her BF, their dog, their cats, their birds, and their snake (xWW has decided, apparently, to turn her house into a literal zoo since I've left).

But, yes, it's heathy/important to allow your kids to be open about life in the "other" house.

Definitely email your atty/or paralegal and see what can be done and how to go about it.

Sadly, I think this is probably a good time for legal counsel.

Yeah my xh used to like the every weekend having our sins bc our sins could keep the OW-now wifetress kids company so Greg could do their own thing. And OW was once my “friend” also. If I let her know anything is bothering me she ramps up the crazy.

To get the kids out of the every weekend crazy I told my xh we were going by the D papers - which state every other weekend I get the kids for my parenting time.

Yeah, the reason I suggested you email your atty is bc they can give you options bf (or even if ) you talk to your xwh. (Your atty might tell you your options are to keep this schedule or he might have other options for you). It’s possible your xh might have to do the driving, and that might put a stop to all visitation!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:00 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

It's certainly a very difficult thing to watch. Try to keep encouraging her unless something is really, terribly wrong at that household. If there is, you can speak with your attorney about putting a stop to it. Hang in there!

I’m guessing your ex is not a happy man. It seems the chickens have come home to roost as the saying goes. The idea that your child cannot correspond with you while she’s at his house is emotional abuse. Children can certainly overdo anything but to call her mother once or twice a weekend is not overdoing. He sounds like bully.

Talk to your lawyer.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:05 PM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

Thank you so much all for the responses. The silly thing is everyone keeps telling me to talk to my lawyer, and I don't even have one at this point. So that will absolutely be my first step.

Just a quick update

DD opened up more this morning ( she tends to talk more in the morning and at night I have noticed) and mentioned that they are not allowed to shut their bedroom doors in the house unless they are changing or using the bathroom/showering. She said this was a rule her SM had made so now her Dad says it too....to me it seems like a rule he would make though. It may not be a weird thing I guess but to me that seems extreme....XH and his W are both correction officers though so maybe thats why?

She also mentioned more about her stepbrother ( the one who is usually the one getting yelled at) and said " I am trying to show him different ways to do things so he can do things the way Dad likes so then Dad won't be mad and will be happy" and I almost cried when she said this. Because my poor child is making it her own responsibility to fix what is happening in the home and that is not something she should have to do.

Not wanting to say anything negative about XH I explained to her that while its very sweet of her to want to help that is a huge task to take on and she is not responsible for the actions of other people, nor can she control them...and that Dad and SB have to work together to learn how to better communicate with one another.

Just had to get that off my chest