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Im not sure if this is in the right forum, I apologize in advance if its not.

I need some thoughts/advice from other parents. My DD is 11 yrs old and lives with me primarily, she is with her dad Fridays after school until Sunday afternoons. Recently she is telling me she does not want to go to her fathers anymore and would rather stay home with me. Legally I cannot keep her from him and don't think she can legally make that choice until she is 14. But as her mother it is so hard to still have to send her to my XH every week and see how much it is affecting her.

I am just wondering how other parents have dealt with this type of thing. Thanks

The divorce/separation forum might be a better place to get responses.

Did you check with your lawyer to see what the legal age is for her to make her own decisions?

What is the reason she doesn't want to go to her dad's?

Do you have a good co-parenting relationship where you can bring this up with your XH? Would he be open to changing things a little, like maybe returinf her to your house each weekend night so she can sleep at our house but spend her waking hours at XHs?

Thanks,

I don't know how to change to a new forum.

I believe that in my state the legal age for her own choices is 14.

She doesn't want to go to dads because she said all they do is yell and argue. She says the yelling is usually between dad and his wife or one of them and her son. I have spoken to him about it and he simply said that its because his stepson never listens to him and doesnt respect him.

Our coparenting relationship has been difficult but we are making progress...it is still very inconsistent. I am glad he didn't get upset when I brought it up to him but it also seems as though he is going to make any changes.

Unfortunately we live over an hour away from each other, so I don't know that we could change things in the way you suggested ( but it is a great idea) and don't think that he would agree to something like that anyway.

Can you ask on some occasions for her dad to visit in your home or area? You don’t need to be involved - he can take her out for a day or part of the day for a fun event.

Woukd he be willing?

Can you contact the atty who handled the divorce and tell him the issue. It would be GREAT if your xwh put that answer in an email bc no child should be around arguing/fighting. Ask what can be done bc she doesn’t need to be in that atmosphere. See if u can change it where your daughter only goes to her Dads every other weekend now that she’s older, at the least.

Unfortunately I dont think he would be willing to just come visit her here and if I were to try to change anything it would probably end up going back to court. I will do that if needed but would prefer to do it in a more civil way.

I always tell my clients that you never give a child that much power. If your 11 year old suddenly decided that she didn't want to go to school, you wouldn't even entertain that thought so why do it with this one? You basically have to sit her down and explain that until she is 18, there are some things she has to do even if she doesn't like it.

Who moved away?

Why does she have every weekend with her father? Wouldn't it be better to do the every-other-weekend and one evening during the week (and perhaps that evening is just dinner and she returns to your home).

At 11, she's entering the age where she will want to socialize with friends on the weekends, and going away every weekend is going to be more and more difficult for her.

Do you think he father would be sensitive to this and possibly re-align the custody schedule, or is he difficult?

This is a battle that is only going to get worse. If the two of you can amicably agree to something, it would be the best course of action.

Cat

I always tell my clients that you never give a child that much power. If your 11 year old suddenly decided that she didn't want to go to school, you wouldn't even entertain that thought so why do it with this one? You basically have to sit her down and explain that until she is 18, there are some things she has to do even if she doesn't like it.

This is horrible, the child is going into an unhealthy situation every weekend, that could be considered emotional abuse, and you're saying because she is a child she needs to just take it? Like really?

Sure if a child doesn't want to do something they should be doing like going to school, doing homework, eathing veggies, they need to do it, but why on earth would you ever tell a child that they have to stay in an abusive situation that is so unhealthy for them?

You really need to get a definitive answer as to at what age the courts will allow your child to make a decision about custody. In my state there is no set age but precedent was that generally around 12-13 was when judges would listen to the kid. I went back to court and won full custody at this point.

If your child begins suffering psychologically you should get her IC and that can also help with any subsequent custody revision. She may start refusing to go, as my son did, in which case you can't be expected to physically force her to go as this itself would be abusive.

Maybe you could ask your XH if she could take a weekend off as she very stressed out and you don't the situation to escalate into her fully refusing to go.

Catwoman,

He is the one who moved away. She goes there weekends because we currently have joint custody. He probably wouldn't agree to it very easily. He is very difficult to coparent with. Im torn because I obviously want him to see DD but don't want her to be the one who is suffering

I always tell my clients that you never give a child that much power. If your 11 year old suddenly decided that she didn't want to go to school, you wouldn't even entertain that thought so why do it with this one? You basically have to sit her down and explain that until she is 18, there are some things she has to do even if she doesn't like it.

This is horrible, the child is going into an unhealthy situation every weekend, that could be considered emotional abuse, and you're saying because she is a child she needs to just take it? Like really?

Sure if a child doesn't want to do something they should be doing like going to school, doing homework, eathing veggies, they need to do it, but why on earth would you ever tell a child that they have to stay in an abusive situation that is so unhealthy for them?

This is not horrible. There are so many factors to this situation that we dont know. We are only hearing the mother's side first of all. What if a year from now the kid only wanted to live with dad? do you give that power at such a young age. And as long as the child is not being harmed, there are things the child can learn from this.

I work with this situation all the time where a child gets exhausted from one parent over the other. My advice is to let the child vent her frustrations out to you. Write down in a journal if you think there is something harmful to the child. Keep it as evidence if you ever go back to court. But the most important thing is to listen to the child and let her get that negativity out in a safe place. BE CAREFUL! DO NOT put down her father. That will always backfire on you. Just listen and agree with the child about their frustrations.

I always tell the parents I work with that if they continue to be a safe place for the child to let their frustrations out, then they will have the relationship for the long term and the other parent will likely lose that relationship. It is through tough times that Individuals learn what they want in life. (child and parent)

Allow this difficult time to shape your child, only as long as they are safe. If they are not safe, then talk to a lawyer.

nomudnolotus

nice projection on your part. show me one thing in that thread that said anything about an unhealthy situation. No one point was made about any problem except an 11 year old is trying to dictate to her parents what she can and cannot do. Quit making things up, you know nothing about her situation. I was speaking generally that you do not let an 11 year old dictate what they will and won't do.

This is exactly what drives me crazy about some people. Keep your kids out of your problems. If there is a legitimate reason, bring it to each others attention and deal with it, not for your benefit but for the kids. a comment like your shows it is all about you.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 10:21 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

I don't think its really that she is trying to dictate what she does and where she goes but I guess that kinda makes sense.

I think its more that she doesnt want to go there because it is stressing her out and impacting her. She has told me it happens every weekend and when it happens all she does is lay on her bed and cry. She isn't even allowed to call or text me because her father restricts that use.

Luckily she is in IC and has shared all this with the therapist who has suggested having XH come to a session at some point.

Skeeter what did you do when your son refused to go?

Alyssamd24

First of all, If she is going there every weekend, that's not fair to her and to you. I know for sure she rather be with her friends. I would try talking to your ex about reducing it to every other weekend. that is fair. Also if he doesn't, I am sure the courts would see it your way and change it. you are entitled to weekend time just like him . also, make sure that he has to take her to any event , practice or anything else that may be scheduled for her on his weekends. that is a must. I think it would be a good idea to have the therapist work with all of you and come up with a revised schedule that you all can live with.

Sure if a child doesn't want to do something they should be doing like going to school, doing homework, eathing veggies, they need to do it, but why on earth would you ever tell a child that they have to stay in an abusive situation that is so unhealthy for them?

THIS. Teaching children that they have to put up and shut up with emotionally damaging situations 'because they are children' creates very unhealthy dynamics in adults who then put up and shut up with emotionally unhealthy situations. Ask me how I know that as a kid that was forced to spend time with an emotionally abusive father, married a guy just like him, and am now here on SI.

I think its more that she doesnt want to go there because it is stressing her out and impacting her. She has told me it happens every weekend and when it happens all she does is lay on her bed and cry. She isn't even allowed to call or text me because her father restricts that use.

Luckily she is in IC and has shared all this with the therapist who has suggested having XH come to a session at some point.

Alyssa, if it is emotionally impacting her, you are very RIGHT to see what you can do about it. I am really glad you have her in IC and hopefully she can work through things with her dad with the IC's help!

THIS. Teaching children that they have to put up and shut up with emotionally damaging situations 'because they are children' creates very unhealthy dynamics in adults who then put up and shut up with emotionally unhealthy situations.

oh my god, this is unbelievable. She never said anything about an abusive situation. you people are unreal

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 11:03 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

How is your relationship with his new wife?

Our kids interest go way past our personal grievances. If you can then address this with them both. Don’t talk about her son or about the screaming. Don’t focus on that. Just make it very clear to them both that his daughter is having a hard time coming over and that some effort needs to be made to make her feel welcome and safe. Make sure you have a traceable way for this message – for example send an email or messenger request to discuss this.

The traceability is needed if things don’t improve and you feel a need to keep her home rather than send her over. It’s better if you can prove you did your bit in pointing out the problem and were willing to work on a solution.

Alyssamd24

In all serious, speak to your daughter and see if there really is some sort of issue. If not, all I am saying is that it is very common for kids not to want to go to the other parents as they rather spend time with their friends,. there is nothing wrong with this. You just have to work things out with her. It's just my opinion but once you start giving an 11 year old that kind of power it will get worse. If your ex is causing her problems and it is serious, do not send her over there but you have to make sure it is of a serious nature or you are only going to cause problems for yourself.

Work with her therapist. get him to go.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 11:20 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]