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Reconciliation :
R Land

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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 1:52 PM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

Okay, so I forgot to talk about the really good rides in R-land. These are the ones that are on the path toward M-land.

How about the one where you face your fear, climb the 50ft pole all by yourself and put your faith in yourself and your spouse cheers you on from the bottom. Then you let go of being afraid, or maybe you embrace the fear and jump. Feeling the freedom of being brave and doing something you never thought you would do. Proud of yourself for what you are accomplishing.

Or the ride on the lazy river, holding hands and getting to know this person all over again. Making connections and listening to him open up and be vulnerable in ways he never was before.

Also the part where you walk the fair grounds together looking at the rides as you pass them. Talking about what you like and dislike about them. Learning that even when you get handed tickets to the hard rides that he is going to get on that ride with you and help you hold on until it’s time to get off.

There are a lot of challenging rides in R-land. There is also a lot of fun to be had. There’s music playing as you walk along and he takes you by the hand and swings you into a dance like no one is watching.

It’s a journey. Hopefully toward happiness.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,19, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8635509
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 2:14 PM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

Yes. Those good rides...

And since I was having a rough day after many good ones, that reminder was much needed and had a beacon of light shine upon it.

I like that lazy river one ride. It one of my current faves.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3533   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8635515
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 2:50 PM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

This is my favorite thread yet, thank you all for the visual images. I hate rollercoasters and intense rides because I have that inner ear motion sickness thing, BPPV, that is brutal. I never go on crazy rides, but I love to go and watch others have fun on them, and then do the fun not scary rides that don't make me sick.

Tanner I wonder the same thing, if my time on the Monorail of flatness, which is a very strange ride, left me thinking I couldn't live eternity on that ride with the unacceptable acceptance of it all? I got off that ride and went straight back to the crazy meltdown bumper car ride.

I'm currently trying to find the ticket booth and get on a ride that is fun, or at least not so scary.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 431   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8635526
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:30 PM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

This is good stuff!

My hat is off to you for thinking of so many good metaphors.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8635621
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 7:31 PM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

Thank you for adding those ladyphoenix! My heart needed that today.

I am currently still on the monorail with a numb butt having forced conversation with what feels like a stranger. I hope we are able to move from there to the lazy river when it’s the right time. Just thinking about it makes me smile. :)

[This message edited by Underserving at 1:31 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8635656
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 5:16 PM on Thursday, March 18th, 2021

I’ve found myself in a new place here in R Land. I’ve made my way into the “House of Mirrors.” This is one I had to go in alone. My WH can’t be there to hold my hand. He can have no part of this journey with me. He has to wait outside, and hope the person who re-emerges will still want to be with him. This is a scary place for the both of us.

When I walked in, the first mirror I saw was “Who ARE You?” The glass was distorted, foggy, and broken in several places, so I couldn’t actually make out my reflection. I realized I had to start at the beginning before it would become clear.

So I made my way to the first mirror. There I saw myself as a child. I could see the fear in my eyes. The inadequacy that was beginning to form inside of me. The poor girl who didn’t feel good enough at anything she did. Sports, academics, and even in friendships.The compassion I felt for her allowed me to move on to the next one.

This was my teenage self. God the sadness in her eyes was overwhelming. The uncertainty and the self loathing were practically tangible. This girl never felt pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, not a good enough Christian, but also not “bad” enough to be considered fun or interesting. I can actually remember feeling like no one would ever love me. This girl let boys treat her however they wanted, all for those few fleeting moments of validation. Of course she was left more broken and hated herself even more afterwards. Even with her own family, especially her mother, she just wasn’t enough as she was. This reflection was hard to face, but again I was able to find my compassion for her, and with that understanding and healing, and could move on to the next.

This one was my early 20s reflection as a new wife, a new mom, and college student. Still with the same sad eyes, but now her shoulders were slumped from the weight of all of her responsibilities. Her tummy and face were rounder after child birth, which added even more to her inadequacy. A young mom who was battling PPD, and feeling like she would never be what her daughter deserved. Struggling in her final year of college, confirming how stupid she must be. Unable to ever measure up to her WH’s family. Listening to people comment on how good looking her WH was, but ignoring her. The rejection she had felt for years slowly but surely turned into anger. She KNEW she wasn’t enough for anyone, especially her WH, so she had better prepare for the day he realized it too. This young woman turned cold and desperate to prolong his unavoidable rejection, or at the very least to keep herself from feeling the pain of it. Manipulation and anger were her go tos. This particular mirror I had to sit with a bit longer. I felt the same compassion I had for my younger selves, but I also had a lot of shame to deal with this time. I had to understand how I had gotten there, what was broken inside of me, and then I had to forgive myself. I had to make peace with the girl in this mirror, promise her I’d do better, and then I had to move on.

There were some more in between, but this is already so boring I won’t share lol

The After d-day Mirror- I couldn’t even recognize this person. She was a hollowed version of myself, face paralyzed in anguish, and practically lying in the fetal position. This was the reflection of a woman who had all of her deepest and darkest fears realized. Her husband chose someone else. He chose a childless, younger, prettier, and skinnier woman to betray her with. All of the discoveries she made were all confirmation that she was worthless. The man who vowed to love her forever, didn’t make it 7 years into marriage without seeking out someone else. She really must have been hideous, unloveable, and without value. How would she ever get out of this state?

I had to sit with this one for a long while. I had to grieve for her. I had compassion for her. I also felt mortified that I was ever able to become this person. More forgiveness for myself, and more promises to do better.

Now I sit in front the “Who ARE you” mirror. The reflection is clearer now, but there are still distortions. Unlike the others, this one isn’t a frozen image. I can make adjustments. I am working on loving this woman staring back at me. Making peace with the parts of me I need to, celebrating the parts that deserve celebrating, and working hard to make changes where those are needed. I imagine I will be sitting here for a long time, and I’m ok with that.

I needed to know what got me to where I am. I’m glad I’ve done that. I needed healing from my past.I needed forgiveness and compassion for myself. I needed those things before I could truly begin healing the person I am right now. Which, to be very honest, I’m still figuring out who tf that is exactly. That’s ok though, I’m determined to stay here until I do, and until I love the absolute shit out of her.

Thanks for being a place to share my nonsense. :)

[This message edited by Underserving at 11:22 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8642859
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 6:00 PM on Thursday, March 18th, 2021

Thanks for being a place to share my nonsense. :)

Your stuff is always good. Your nonsense has helped me so much.

I told you I was going to climb Trigger Tower, well I fell off and broke something. At first I thought I might need to leave the park to try to heal it, but I think I will be ok sitting on this bench trying to gather myself. I sent my W looking for me a funnel cake.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8642871
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 6:14 PM on Thursday, March 18th, 2021

Wow.

I’m going to have to sit with this one for a while.

That’s good stuff.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 234   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8642877
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:19 PM on Thursday, March 18th, 2021

I needed to know what got me to where I am. I’m glad I’ve done that. I needed healing from my past.I needed forgiveness and compassion for myself. I needed those things before I could truly begin healing the person I am right now. Which, to be very honest, I’m still figuring out who tf that is exactly. That’s ok though, I’m determined to stay here until I do, and until I love the absolute shit out of her.

Great thread, and an even better update.

Just catching up — but nice to see such a self-aware human be able to articulate the smiles that happen through the pain during the healing process.

This paragraph was my favorite.

You’re getting in touch with the awesomeness within. Celebrating the good in you, finding some elements of peace and making goals are all very healthy signs to me.

I think once we find our value, it’s the moment we understand we will be great, regardless of the outcome.

I hope your healing continues.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8642941
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 1:13 AM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

but I think I will be ok sitting on this bench trying to gather myself. I sent my W looking for me a funnel cake.

Funnel cakes can sure work wonders! Triggers have a nasty way of making us feel like we have taken some huge steps backwards. That’s a lie! They may knock us on our ass, but they don’t cause us to lose our progress. They’re temporary. Painful as fuck, but temporary. You’re doing great, Tanner. You were knocked on your ass. Dust yourself off and get back up. I know you will.

[This message edited by Underserving at 7:22 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8643052
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 2:33 AM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

Underserving, the house of mirrors got me. I had to stop reading and come back when I had enough time to put my thoughts together. I am taking a slow walk through that one as well.

I feel like I am looking in the same mirrors as you are.

I sometimes have a hard time looking directly at the after dd mirror. She looks like me but has lost the spark of joy. “Hollowed out version” is exactly right.

I’m going to be sitting in this one for a while. Thankfully it’s one of those attractions that you can keep coming back to. I think I see something new every time I visit.

Tanner, there’s nothing wrong with sitting a while. Sometimes you need to stop and catch your breath. R Land is not for the faint of heart. And you can’t go wrong with funnel cake.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,19, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8643084
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 4:30 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

I think once we find our value, it’s the moment we understand we will be great, regardless of the outcome.

I’ve heard this over and over on SI. I believe you have actually said it to me more than once. It made sense, it seems an obvious thing, but I wasn’t sure how to actually go about finding my value after something as soul crushing as infidelity. I also wasn’t ready to dig into the hard work of healing for a long time. I’ve mostly been in survival mode until recently. Now that I’m in a better mindset, and able to do that hard work, those words really ring true for me. I know MY healing can only happen if I’m the one making it happen. The M restoration can come later, and I don’t believe it will be quite as scary once I’m a healthier and whole person. Thanks Oldwounds, for all the times you’ve helped me through this shit show.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8643296
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 4:38 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

I’m going to be sitting in this one for a while. Thankfully it’s one of those attractions that you can keep coming back to. I think I see something new every time I visit.

Oh for sure! I think this is one we need to take with us wherever we go, and revisit it fairly often. Now some mirrors I’ve made my peace with, and don’t plan on looking at them anymore. The “Who are you” mirror, well I’ll be looking into that one for the rest of my life.

I’ll be here for a while, until I can figure out who I really am. At 32 I should know that answer, but I honestly do not. It’s becoming clearer the more I work on it, but until I can see my reflection without distortions, and genuinely love the person staring back at me, I’ll just be chilling here. Definitely should have grabbed a funnel cake first!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8643303
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Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 5:11 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021


I’ll be here for a while, until I can figure out who I really am. At 32 I should know that answer, but I honestly do not.


May I humbly submit that believing that you should have figured out who you "really are" at 32 is an obstacle and a false idol.
I’m 53. I am not remotely who I was at 32. The yearning to define ourselves comes quite naturally I suppose. But one never steps in the same river twice, and defining oneself in any moment, if it can be done at all, might not prove terribly helpful in the next moment.
Now, when we find ourselves reeling, our footing lost, yes, of course, we must reach some kind of equilibrium, me must orient our compass.
But you are not the same today as you were yesterday, and you shouldn’t feel remorse over that. You will be a different you tomorrow, and that should be ok, too.
I have a tattoo where I can see it all the time.
It says, "Be here now."
In my past, there are ample reasons for suffering, including my wife’s long term affair unknown to me until years later. Total mindfuck.
In my future, there is anxiety. Will I divorce? Will I ever not be numb? Can I love her, or anyone else, again?
Only here, right now, can I be free of the pain of the past and the anxiety of the future. I think perhaps were I to try to tackle the existential question of "who I really am" I would spend too much time in the past, because “who I am” begs the question endlessly of “how I got here.” It seems that effort would rob me of the present.
Your mileage may vary.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 5:15 PM, Friday, March 19th]

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 234   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8643315
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:28 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

You were knocked on your ass. Dust yourself off and get back up. I know you will.

Done!! I’m doing much better, we had a great evening with good friends.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8643319
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 7:31 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

The yearning to define ourselves comes quite naturally I suppose. But one never steps in the same river twice, and defining oneself in any moment, if it can be done at all, might not prove terribly helpful in the next moment.

Now, when we find ourselves reeling, our footing lost, yes, of course, we must reach some kind of equilibrium, me must orient our compass.

You are right, we are constantly evolving. I sure hope I’m not the same woman 20 years from now. However, as you mentioned, I’ve lost my footing. More so, I don’t think I’ve ever really had my footing in the first place. That’s what I’m trying to do now. You could say I’ve had a bit of an “identity crisis.” I’m sure I’m not alone in that regard after infidelity.

I guess my goal is to unburden myself of the years of self doubt and self deprecation. To fall in love with myself, warts and all, for the first time in my life. To find my value in and of myself, instead of looking for that in others and never finding it. It’s been exhausting. I’m ready for some peace.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8643355
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 7:33 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

Done!! I’m doing much better, we had a great evening with good friends.

I knew you would. :) Glad you had a good night!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8643357
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 10:08 PM on Friday, March 19th, 2021

Wise old fool, I don't have the tattoo, but the same words on a mantra bracelet I made WH buy me for Christmas to help me remember to stop regretting the past and fearing the future and being happy with what was. I didn't know at the time that the affair lasted not only much longer than admitted but was still ongoing. I needed one that said be sure you know where here is..... I agree that looking for answers always leads me to revisiting the paths that brought me here which is a never ending awful ride. Being in the now is an art I'm trying to master.

Undeserving, I have come back to your House of Mirrors three times now. I had the reality shifting look in the mirror at my past selves a few times prior in my life- when putting my kindergartener on the bus and remembering a horrible tragedy I witnessed/survived as a young child, and when my daughter reached the age at which I was raped and I realized how young I was and how much I lost. Both times, I went into a strange reflective place where I began to understand and acknowledge what I had been through, and understand myself and my life in a new light. I saw things in my past shift and distort from what I had pretended or ignored into the reality of what happened and more importantly I realized all the things that should have happened and did not. I realized nothing was my fault, and there was little I could have done in either circumstance. I realized how unspoken or buried trauma lingered and informed my life. Both events were major, life altering epiphanies. I made peace with myself, nurtured and forgave both those broken inner children, and vowed to make my life's mission to spare my children any such trauma. I was going about my later life as happy and well adjusted as I could have hoped for, feeling lucky, blessed and secure. Then this happened. Now I look into a mirror full of cracks, so nothing is whole and everything looks distorted. On the wrong day the me looking back is so old and tired and broken. I wonder who could love such a person. Other days she is cute and sweet and almost sparkles. I wonder who could hurt such a person.

After the infidelity and false recovery show, I'm not ready to go back into the house of mirrors yet, and I think on some level, I worry that any healing place I reach will be just another illusion I have created, another disappointment waiting for the next damn thing to go wrong. I'm standing in the don't bother to hope line for a while until I get my bearings. Maybe I just need more time to enjoy the funnel cake and snow cones and lighten up a little...

Do you remember that ride where you stood against the wall of a giant barrel, and it spun around until the velocity was enough to hold you against the wall while the floor dropped away? It gives you this disoriented motion sickness feeling when it's done. I think I get stuck on that ride, spinning in circles, feeling queasy, waiting for the floor to drop out.

Another ride analogy for my R land is one of those ones that aren't really rides, just the illusion of a ride, with seats that move and wiggle but go nowhere, with air and mist spraying on you.... a simulation of a ride, that looks like it's real but is just tricks, smoke and mirrors. I thought my life was one of the real rides, but it was filled with trickery.

Anyway, I enjoyed the hall of mirrors conversation and am really wishing you some peace too. It's hard to love ourselves under the best of circumstances, and such a huge effort now.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 431   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8643391
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:49 PM on Saturday, March 20th, 2021

Do you remember that ride where you stood against the wall of a giant barrel, and it spun around until the velocity was enough to hold you against the wall while the floor dropped away? It gives you this disoriented motion sickness feeling when it's done. I think I get stuck on that ride

I had to leave this ride, that’s when I spent so much time with the sledgehammer ring the bell game (anger). I never won a prize there but it sure made me stronger.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8643560
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 6:32 PM on Thursday, April 8th, 2021

So I have emerged from the house of mirrors. The most healing I’ve experienced has been from there. I’m really starting to fall in love with the woman who is underserving. ❤️(Sidenote I really dislike my typo-ed username lol)

I finally feel worthy of love for the first time in my life. I can actually recognize all the unique parts of me that make me beautiful, sexy, smart, witty, and strong. I’m confident in who I am and what I have to offer. That has helped with allowing my husband to love me as well. Why wouldn’t he want to bust his ass to prove his remorse and his willingness to do whatever I need to feel safe? I’m awesome and he almost lost me! that’s exactly what he should be doing. Why wouldn’t he want to show his love for me on a daily basis? I’m one lovable and badass lady!

This is new for me. Being able to accept my husband’s love because I know how valuable I really am. It’s a healthy love. One where if he ever stopped appreciating me, I will still have that love for myself. If he ever decides to cheat again, or that who I am isn’t “enough” for him, it’s only because he’s a fucking idiot, and not anything to do with me.

So where to now?

I think it’s time to really face the “house of horrors.” This is the Affair house. Just like in the “house of mirrors” there were so many things I needed to make peace with, and then move on from.I feel the same about the HOHs. Except maybe not so much make “peace” with certain aspects, more like reach a place of “acceptance” with them.

There are parts of his A I’m ready to do just that. I’m ready to accept that certain things happened, they were awful, but I want to put them behind me now. This won’t be a one and done stop. There are some really scary places in the HOH, and they will take me more time find that acceptance. That’s ok, I’ll come back for those when I’m ready.

So wish me luck. This part of my R Land journey really sucks, but also seems necessary. Someone bring me a turkey leg or something.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8648889
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