I’ve found myself in a new place here in R Land. I’ve made my way into the “House of Mirrors.” This is one I had to go in alone. My WH can’t be there to hold my hand. He can have no part of this journey with me. He has to wait outside, and hope the person who re-emerges will still want to be with him. This is a scary place for the both of us.
When I walked in, the first mirror I saw was “Who ARE You?” The glass was distorted, foggy, and broken in several places, so I couldn’t actually make out my reflection. I realized I had to start at the beginning before it would become clear.
So I made my way to the first mirror. There I saw myself as a child. I could see the fear in my eyes. The inadequacy that was beginning to form inside of me. The poor girl who didn’t feel good enough at anything she did. Sports, academics, and even in friendships.The compassion I felt for her allowed me to move on to the next one.
This was my teenage self. God the sadness in her eyes was overwhelming. The uncertainty and the self loathing were practically tangible. This girl never felt pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, not a good enough Christian, but also not “bad” enough to be considered fun or interesting. I can actually remember feeling like no one would ever love me. This girl let boys treat her however they wanted, all for those few fleeting moments of validation. Of course she was left more broken and hated herself even more afterwards. Even with her own family, especially her mother, she just wasn’t enough as she was. This reflection was hard to face, but again I was able to find my compassion for her, and with that understanding and healing, and could move on to the next.
This one was my early 20s reflection as a new wife, a new mom, and college student. Still with the same sad eyes, but now her shoulders were slumped from the weight of all of her responsibilities. Her tummy and face were rounder after child birth, which added even more to her inadequacy. A young mom who was battling PPD, and feeling like she would never be what her daughter deserved. Struggling in her final year of college, confirming how stupid she must be. Unable to ever measure up to her WH’s family. Listening to people comment on how good looking her WH was, but ignoring her. The rejection she had felt for years slowly but surely turned into anger. She KNEW she wasn’t enough for anyone, especially her WH, so she had better prepare for the day he realized it too. This young woman turned cold and desperate to prolong his unavoidable rejection, or at the very least to keep herself from feeling the pain of it. Manipulation and anger were her go tos. This particular mirror I had to sit with a bit longer. I felt the same compassion I had for my younger selves, but I also had a lot of shame to deal with this time. I had to understand how I had gotten there, what was broken inside of me, and then I had to forgive myself. I had to make peace with the girl in this mirror, promise her I’d do better, and then I had to move on.
There were some more in between, but this is already so boring I won’t share lol
The After d-day Mirror- I couldn’t even recognize this person. She was a hollowed version of myself, face paralyzed in anguish, and practically lying in the fetal position. This was the reflection of a woman who had all of her deepest and darkest fears realized. Her husband chose someone else. He chose a childless, younger, prettier, and skinnier woman to betray her with. All of the discoveries she made were all confirmation that she was worthless. The man who vowed to love her forever, didn’t make it 7 years into marriage without seeking out someone else. She really must have been hideous, unloveable, and without value. How would she ever get out of this state?
I had to sit with this one for a long while. I had to grieve for her. I had compassion for her. I also felt mortified that I was ever able to become this person. More forgiveness for myself, and more promises to do better.
Now I sit in front the “Who ARE you” mirror. The reflection is clearer now, but there are still distortions. Unlike the others, this one isn’t a frozen image. I can make adjustments. I am working on loving this woman staring back at me. Making peace with the parts of me I need to, celebrating the parts that deserve celebrating, and working hard to make changes where those are needed. I imagine I will be sitting here for a long time, and I’m ok with that.
I needed to know what got me to where I am. I’m glad I’ve done that. I needed healing from my past.I needed forgiveness and compassion for myself. I needed those things before I could truly begin healing the person I am right now. Which, to be very honest, I’m still figuring out who tf that is exactly. That’s ok though, I’m determined to stay here until I do, and until I love the absolute shit out of her.
Thanks for being a place to share my nonsense. :)
[This message edited by Underserving at 11:22 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]