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Newest Member: Goku06

Reconciliation :
R Land

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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 2:26 AM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

I’m back! Lol

I am realizing I probably should have been in the general forum for the good first year of after d-day. I’m just now really into the throes of reconciliation.

It’s turning out a lot different than I thought it would. I spent a year processing, grieving, raging, researching, and being extremely mindful of how my WH was reacting to the shitstorm he created. It took me a year to decide I was willing to R. It felt really good at first to finally make a decision. I was feeling all the positivity and hope. I think it was mostly relief that I had actually picked a path. Being unsure whether to stay or leave is pretty exhausting, and carries a heavy burden all on its own.

Now that I’m here in R land, there’s a whole new amusement park full of rides I wasn’t expecting. I’ve made a few posts recently, but thought I would compound them into what I’m currently experiencing.

The Shame Carousel: Its not fun. I don’t enjoy it. She’s a seedy little ride that you think you can avoid, but somehow draws you in, and you end up staying on way too long in need of a barf bag. This is the shame of staying. You swore you never would, yet here you are in R Land after your husband had a full fledged affair. Why are you even here? You should be on Badass Woman Island where men (especially cheaters) aren’t allowed. What if someone finds out you’re over here, and they think less of you? Hell, what if YOU think less of yourself all on your own? And why can’t you get off this damn carousel?

The Monorail of Flatness- This one sounds great at first. After spending months and months on a rollercoaster, the idea of a smooth ride is enticing. Until it’s boring. Until you miss the excitement of the ups, because now everything is mostly bleh. This is the Plain of lethal flatness. You’re not sinking but you’re not experiencing many ups. You’re seated next to a stranger making awkward conversation and your butt’s numb. This “stranger” also punched you in the face before the ride started, but you’re trying to be a good sport and keep the ride from being completely silent. When will the stranger feel more like a friend, and when will you forgive them for hurting you? You have no idea. There’s no time limit for how long you’ll be on this particular ride.

Trigger Tower- What the F are you doing here? Shouldn’t I have left you in Post Discovery World? Why do I still find myself experiencing your free falls? Everyone says I should be done riding you by now. I find myself jumping straight from you to the Shame Carousel.

Woo. This took a real metaphorical turn I wasn’t expecting. I want to add some positives to the mix. I have some in mind, but not the energy. What rides are you currently experiencing in R Land? The good and the bad. Please share!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8634294
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TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 8:10 AM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Wow - nailed it

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 405   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8634321
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 2:13 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Spot Fu*king On.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3532   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8634458
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Driti ( new member #50195) posted at 2:21 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Yes, yes and yes. 5 years later and they still visit me.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2015
id 8634464
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Deejay523 ( member #54468) posted at 7:02 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

All of the above...

posts: 584   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2016   ·   location: R I
id 8634586
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:22 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Just don’t play jazz music and everything is a-ok🤣🤣

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12495   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8634594
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Brew3x ( member #72052) posted at 8:06 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

I like this post it makes me feel better about how I’m feeling, I don’t feel so alone. Thanks

posts: 248   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2019   ·   location: MA
id 8634603
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 10:00 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

First I enjoy your writing, you nailed it. Here is my experience in this park.

For context my WW had a 2 month PA with a guy she met in a bar. When I found out, I didn’t know about SI, she went NC and ended the A, and we immediately entered R land.

It was a wild ride, the big scary rides that make you sick. About 2 months after Dday I knew I didn’t have the whole story, she was blame shifting, minimizing, and rug sweeping, I googled “what to do after an A”. I found SI. I decided it was time to leave the park, too many clowns and mirror mazes. I went hard 180 and was preparing for S or D. I did not speak to her for a month. This really had her missing R land, but tickets are now hard to come by. She did all the requirements, full timeline, transparency, full names, etc, and disclosed several online sexting, and EAs. After a month of her pleading for another go, I offered a trip back to R land.

When we went back we started in Kiddy Land this is where you feel like a babysitter, you sit on a bench reading SI while the WW runs around having a great time, like nothing’s wrong.

We found a game right by the Shame Carousel, it’s the sledge hammer, ring the bell game, I spent a lot of time there but didn’t win a prize

I spent several months on the Shame Carousel, I was so pissed at myself for staying especially after 2 months of false R. I didn’t know any better, but I was very hard on myself for it. She has apologized 1000 times but it was still bothering me. One day she said to me, thank you for being patient giving me the time and grace to clear the fog, you could have D me but didn’t and I’m so grateful. This meant more to me than 1000 apologies, it gave me permission to forgive myself and realize it was a necessary step in our journey.

We left the Shame Carousel and headed to the Trigger Tower, I’m not waiting in line I’m climbing that mother fucker. I’m going to claim every one of them. The bar she met the AP was in a town called Addison right outside Dallas, when I hear Addison it triggers the hell out of me. We are going to reclaim it by having date nights there, we will make new memories, I also plan to reclaim all the antiversary dates as well.

We are now headed towards to the tunnel of love, we will be able to relax and enjoy it. Hopefully this is where we stay.

[This message edited by Tanner at 5:27 PM, February 19th (Friday)]

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8634631
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 11:40 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Thanks for playing along, Tanner! R Land is wild. I’m glad you’ve found your way to the “Love Tunnel.” One day maybe I’ll get there too.

Fellow Texan here. My trigger town is Arlington. Idk when I’ll ever be able to go there again. Maybe I should go on the literal Super Man ride and face that trigger in the most exhilarating way I can think of. Hope you’re staying warm!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8634661
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 12:01 AM on Saturday, February 20th, 2021

I think I’m still working on conquering the Trigger Tower but we are working towards the love tunnel

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8634666
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 5:20 AM on Sunday, February 21st, 2021

Not to T/J but it is a discussion forum. Do you think the Monorail of Flatness is what leads so many back to pain shopping? Do we feel guilty that we aren’t doing enough? We almost miss the roller coaster? Not sure I’m at that this point but very thought provoking.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8634853
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GTeamReboot ( member #72633) posted at 8:01 PM on Sunday, February 21st, 2021

Oooh I’ve been to this park and on all those rides!

I really like Tanner’s approach to the Trigger Tower. I’m of the same mindset. I want to climb that sucker like Kong. So far I’ve tripped and slipped a few times but still climbing. I do think it beats standing in the line. Or riding with my eyes closed and never knowing when the next sickening drop will come.

There’s that one roller coaster that has all the ups and downs you expect when you’re climbing into the car, but then also has a part where you suddenly go backwards, and a part where the floor drops when you don’t expect it. All on one ride! It’s awful but at least as you jump on it for repeat rides you know those are coming. A little easier and a little easier to handle each time.

There’s the Everything is Fine stunt show! They pull in members of the audience and we pretend like everything is fine. Everyone else watching the show from the outside has no idea that it’s not fine. And since we had no training, doing this show is exhausting. It’s nice to have this forum to chat with other people forced to participate in that show.

This was fun bc just a week ago I was on some of these actual rides on a much needed and very successful family vacay.

Which brings me to the final ride... the That Time Together Was Wonderful so Brain Must Sabotage the “Up” with a Rug-Yank and a Freefall Back “Down”. Hubby and I rode that ride for an hour last night while I explained all the ways I feel he doesn’t really love me and is only staying for the family and he impatiently pointed out all the things he has done and said that he feels (somewhat fairly I confess) he doesn’t get “credit” for. At the end of that ride we both felt like barfing and haven’t even spoken today.

Me- BW, 45 (FWH, 47); DDay Oct 2019 - Double Betrayal (x2) during Aug-Sept 2018. Hard at work in R! Whole story in Bio
I tend to make little edits for clarity and typos!

posts: 501   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020
id 8634962
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:20 AM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

GTR

That Time Together ride. I got sick and removed us. It’s when things are going great you look over and say this is awesome, so how could you do this to me? It’s self sabotage, don’t spend time here, go climb that Trigger Tower.

It sucks you haven’t spoken today, I found that most of the time it wasn’t her, it was my own brain. Hopefully you can go get him and take him for a funnel cake, funnel cakes can help cure anything 😀😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8635041
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GTeamReboot ( member #72633) posted at 5:29 AM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

Thank you for the encouragement. I do need it! To be fair he was sleeping most of the day preparing for night shift. Then we were cordial but didn’t say much and then he left. It’s a familiar gap between us at times like this and I know it will close. And then yes a funnel cake sounds good!

Me- BW, 45 (FWH, 47); DDay Oct 2019 - Double Betrayal (x2) during Aug-Sept 2018. Hard at work in R! Whole story in Bio
I tend to make little edits for clarity and typos!

posts: 501   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020
id 8635063
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 2:56 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

There’s that one roller coaster that has all the ups and downs you expect when you’re climbing into the car, but then also has a part where you suddenly go backwards, and a part where the floor drops when you don’t expect it. All on one ride! It’s awful but at least as you jump on it for repeat rides you know those are coming. A little easier and a little easier to handle each time.

Which brings me to the final ride... the That Time Together Was Wonderful so Brain Must Sabotage the “Up” with a Rug-Yank and a Freefall Back “Down”.

Yesss! Definitely spend a lot of time going between these two rides as well. They might be my least favorite. We had a wonderful date night Saturday, so Sunday it was “Sabotage” time. I’m getting better about recognizing it, but I still get suckered back onto this one more than I’d like to. I could use some funnel cake as well

[This message edited by Underserving at 8:57 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8635137
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TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 4:02 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

I was never supposed to be in R-land, R-land is for other people not us, it’s not our kind of thing!!! We was both enjoying our time in M-land, well I thought we was, then all of a sudden my GF who was secretly a bit bored of M-land snuck off to see a freak show called A-megadon, I’d just gone to buy us tickets for the “happily ever after” ride and when my back was turned something caught her eye, she knew i wouldn’t like it so she didn’t tell me about A-Magedon, she went by herself.

Eventually I found her again, outside of M-land at a meeting point called Dday, we both tried to get back into M-land but we were denied access, seems once either of you leave M-land you cannot get back in through the front gate anymore, but apparently there is a way in via R-land...

Of the poor choice of rides in R-land she likes the “that’s not who I am” hall of mirrors and the “rugsweeper” the most. She doesn’t want to ride the other rides, keeps asking to go back to M-land, asks if we’ve spent enough time in R-land yet, and I have to tell her that we havnt found the entrance yet. We have to keep looking.

We’ve just finished our first round of the antiversary zone, I think that’s where trigger tower is, I didn’t like those rides at all, GF had read about these rides in her guide book and she held my hand on some of them but not all.

GF says she wishes she hadn’t gone to the A-magedon show now

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 10:10 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 405   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8635170
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ladyphoenix ( member #72766) posted at 8:18 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

I’ve been on all of these rides.

The roller coaster that loops back around and starts again.

Trigger tower, I climb that one all the time. It’s getting easier.

The Time Together followed by the sabotage. Then a quick ride on the Shame carousel because why can’t I just enjoy the nice times.

How about the bumper cars where we fight for hours never getting anywhere. Smashing into each other and circling back around. (It’s been a while since we’ve been on this one).

The Everything is Fine Stunt Show! I love that! Paint on a smile and pretend. I can only maintain this for short periods. One good thing to come out of pandemic living is that we are not required to visit family for major holidays. My acting skills cannot hold up to a full day with either side of the family.

Don’t forget the trickle truth maze, where you think you are going in the right direction and turn a corner and come face to face with a new wall and it feels like you will be trapped in there forever. Then you finally get out of the maze and realize your spouse has more tickets and you have to go again.

The tunnel of love is great, but lots of times it is out of service. Or it breaks down before you get to the good parts, then you have to get in line again.

And all the concession stands are serving up variations of the same shit sandwich.

Thanks for this Underserving, it was a fun exercise.

M 23 years, together 29. DD1 Feb 2019, DD2(TT) June 2019, DD3 (TT) July 2019, (TT) March 2020, (TT) Sept 2020We have 3 children: 22,19, 13 and a grandson April 2019. We work daily on R and building a stronger relationship.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8635318
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 8:20 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

I like looking at R Land as having the gateway back to Happy Marriage World. I definitely don’t want to stay in R Land forever, however I expect we will be here for several years. I’m just hoping the rides that make you want to barf aren’t the only ones here. Lol I’m sure there are those you really can enjoy, I just haven’t found them yet. I’m still pretty new to this place.

Thanks for playing along with my nonsense. It’s been fun and insightful to hear from others!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8635321
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

I am currently on this ride:

I have no libido. None. Zilch. Not even alone activities. Very weird for me. I have the added card of being a ws, and had been in a mode where I was pursuing him, initiating, etc. When he initiates, I feel annoyed. It takes some turns in trigger land and then it lands in the shame carousel because then I don't feel like I am doing my part.

I also think that I am hitting menopause, and that's really really not helping.

I spend more time hiding in the restaurants away from the park in a little town I call avoidance. I tell myself that I am just waiting for him to do some more work on himself, but I think I am actually in the parking lot right now, checked out and thinking of driving away.

Oh! And, speaking of driving away, we are supposed to go off living full time in an RV in about 6 months. I will call that "Pressure Cooker roller coaster".

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6202   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8635325
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:37 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

I like looking at R Land as having the gateway back to Happy Marriage World.

It’s like we left the high end theme park and now we are at the fly by night parking lot carnival. The rides are sketchy and not maintained very well.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8635345
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