SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A member mentioned this to me in a PM. The mind movies. Let’s talk about it!

For the BS

At least for my BH, the mind movies were awful. He told me as much. He never asked details of my sexual interactions with the OM. But it doesn’t matter. Let’s assume the worst.

How did he get over the mind movies? I really don’t know. I do know that it was 2+ years before he could have any sexual interaction with me. I know that at first he thought he never could again. He asked me if I could live with that. I said no. He never went to counseling or anything because he doesn’t like that stuff. His choice. I don’t know if he still has mind movies during sex. He seems ok. He seems happy. But our relationship although wonderful (seriously!) is changed forever.

For the Ws.

My mind movies were reliving moments of the A. Horrible, I know. It was only once I was able to stop doing this, that I was able to wake up and see reality. It was like being high and suddenly you are sober and see the world again. I had to stop the mental contact. Reliving moments with the AP over and over was damaging to me, damaging to my M, and let’s face it, just fucking nuts. The best comparison I had was pining over a guy as a 16 year old. I mean, would you trust 16 year old you to make great decisions?

So the point of this post is this. We have things going on inside our heads. Imagery. Visions. Mind movies. I hope we can have a good discussion about the value (if any) of these, and the ways we all coped.

Love y’all. MP

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 7:40 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

MP,

You said " But our relationship although wonderful (seriously!) is changed forever." What does this mean ?

You said "The best comparison I had was pining over a guy as a 16 year old." How long did you pine over your affair ? Did your husband know you were pining ? What did you do to hasten the end of this pining ?

[This message edited by Username123 at 9:34 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

MP,

I would guess the mind movies take at least a few forms. If you made a timeline some might predominate then others.

One where you image the OM and how happy your would be with him a fantasy about spending time, raising children together, your spouse learning to like him, going traveling, etc. Superman.

One where you think of the magical sex you had with him. Casanova

One where you imagine your BH dead or with another woman and no longer a barrier to your being with the OM.

One where you see your BH with sympathy and love like a sibling you care for, but inferior to OM.

One where you see your BH as the sum of all evil.

How did your mind movies change over time?

I'm the BS. The mind movies are similar to nightmares, only you're awake and there's a possibility that it's true.

I had to go through desensitization processes just to not flinch when STBXWH touched me. Even to touch my hand.

He did a sexual position with her that was one of our favorites, except she was too fat to be able to do it.

I had nightmares after where STBXWH and AP were having sex and I walked in, or they were trying to kill me.

How did I get through? First, medication. Second, therapy. Third, realizing he would never be safe because he wasn't doing the work to get better and would never be a safe partner.

Ever wake up gasping for breath after dreaming your husband and the AP were chasing you down to kill you?

Ever wake up gasping for breath after dreaming your husband and the AP were chasing you down to kill you?

My BH had the awake mind movies (yes nightmares is correct). He had dreams in which I was evil. Like I was mean and cold in all his dreams.

userid123. Even when R is successful, the M is forever changed. You are both forever changed. You don’t sweep it under the rug. Love is there. But there is also truth and the hurt underneath The new M is have is honest. We choose to be in this. We also know how easy it was for me to throw away.

How do you stop the pining? Well after HS I graduated and moved in to college and I continued to pursue guys who rejected me or I would reject them first. I never learned good coping strategies. I justt kept moving.

For the OM, I was really kooky. Like stalking his Facebook and stuff long after he dumped me. I still still mentally in contact. Someone told me finally to block him and lose his number and to snap a rubber band on my wrist every time I started to think about him. I read here on SI but I didn’t find this site until a year after DDay. I also left my job and moved to another state. So some drastic shit, yeah.

It worked. I haven’t had any contact w OM since coming to SI here. No social media or anything. A few months ago his profile popped up on Linked IN as a possible colleague. I deleted it immediately. It triggered me for sure and I came to this site again after a hiatus. I have no love lost for the OM. He is not half the man my BH is. Frankly I barely knew him. I made him into what I wanted based on my own insecurities and selfish wants.

Hope that helps. I think I threadjacked my own thread lol

How did your mind movies change over time?

Survus. Good comments. These are hard things I am sure for anyone to read.

My head was wrapped up during the A and afterwards for some time in reliving the sexual affair and replaying conversations. Afterwards I had a wicked case of what felt like a broken record in my head. I had to get rid of all the triggers and when the record started, I used distractions (go for a run, play a song, call a friend) and silly tricks like the rubber band (ouch!) to stop it. Basically I had to make a concerted effort to make myself stop thinking about stuff.

I occasionally still get a flash of a memory if something triggers me. But I can shut it down right away and I have indifference largely towards both OM so I don’t have the psycho emotions associated with them anymore. Fortunately my actual dreams at night are all free of them.

A WS admitting mind movies after Dday:

"for some time in reliving the sexual affair"

This is my nightmare.

Do all or most WS relive their sexual affairs via mind movies?

[This message edited by Username123 at 9:37 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

Username123,

Please refrain from thread jacking. You can ask your questions to Waywards in the BS Questions for WS thread in the I Can Relate forum.

Mrs Panda

How did he get over the mind movies

I did not experience much in the way of mind movies in regards to my ExWW and former best friend but I have experience many mind movies (some call them flash backs) in terms of what I experienced in the military.

I don't know if they are the same but what a VA counselor told me about what I was experiencing was that "you experienced great personal, mental and physical traumas and having these mind movies is the brain's way of dealing with that trauma, trying to discover how any of it makes any sense."

When my brain came to the conclusion that none of what I experienced through that trauma made sense it then moved on to the same time frame but different aspects. Such as some of the great times shared with those friends lost, the laughter the closeness and intimacy of sharing those experiences with the men in our unit.

I am certainly no expert on any of this but if the mind and/or body tells you that something else has to be dealt with it is best to deal with it no matter the temporary pain that is experienced.

Mrs. P - BS here. Those mind movies. They can still haunt me.

I see them in vivid detail. This is aided by the fact that I have dozens of photos of them. Nudes they sent each other, photos of them together [clothed and unclothed], quasi pornographic of them in bed, and texts/messages of what they want to do together or a recap of what they did.

The HB bug hit me hard after each DDay. However, I'd seize mid act when they hit. So - I fu*ked them right out of my mind. I made sex all about me. And made sure I enjOyed it tO the fullest I cOuld. It wasn't love making at all. It was fu*king AP out of my head and out of his [this worked for me - have no idea what it did for him because I didn't care enough to ask]. If she flashed in my mind - I fu*ked her out of it with him.

I also had nightmares. Where I was mistaken for AP, where AP was trying to get me, where AP was someplace WH and I were. I'd wake up in a cold sweat fighting to breathe. That still happens occasionally. In the beginning I was afraid to go to sleep because of it. I was a zombie.

My IC diagnosed me with Affair Related PTSD.

At 3.5 years from DDay3 [where I told OBS] I still get them. Not anywhere near the frequency and intensity of before. But I do. I wonder if I always will.

A few months ago his profile popped up on Linked IN as a possible colleague.

You might want to make sure that his contact card is deleted fully from your phone even if he's blocked. If you left his contact info on your phone, whenever you allow social media apps to sync to your phone contacts, it'll create yet another suggestion.

My mind movies were vastly different than those who experienced the AP taking up space. On dday I hardly had a chance to even think about him other than a quick call to let him know I was busted. I was asked to leave my home on dday and I did. The events that took place from that day on is what occupied my thoughts, some still to this day.

That night (dday) I went to stay with my parents. I was scared, and the realization that I may never return to my home was painful. I couldn't sleep that night, in fact I had already found SI and read for hours in my parents guest bed until I couldn't take it anymore and broke down sobbing. It was an ugly cry (it must've been 2 in the morning) my mom got into bed with me, she held me and petted my head as I cried myself to sleep. I think (and thought) about that often.

The next night BH came to their house. It was unexpected, he called me just moments before his arrival. I met him at the door and that imagine haunts me to this day. That was hands down the most painful mind movie that played on repeat for years. It was pouring rain and he was standing at the bottom of the stoop, I swear time stood still and all I could see in every inch of his body was pain. It was in his eyes, his face, his shoulders and chest, even his legs. I just saw immense pain coursing through him, the way he held himself , god... I've never hated myself more than in that moment. It absolutely shattered my heart that I did that.

After moving back home roughly a week later, the first few months are of course very hard. He'd be sitting there with me and burst into tears, asking me why through the streams pouring down his cheeks. Those images visited my thoughts often.

As a BS though, I never really had mind movies. He refused to be honest with me (which that changed as of late and probably for another post) but I'm over it at this point and could care less what he did. However, the mind movies were just what I assumed happened. I know all his moves and techniques I can't imagine it being much different so it was what is was. They weren't intrusive and I found it easier than most to dismiss the thoughts. But too, his cheating didn't traumatize me so that probably had something to do with it.

For the Ws.

My mind movies were reliving moments of the A. Horrible, I know. It was only once I was able to stop doing this, that I was able to wake up and see reality. It was like being high and suddenly you are sober and see the world again. I had to stop the mental contact. Reliving moments with the AP over and over was damaging to me, damaging to my M, and let’s face it, just fucking nuts. The best comparison I had was pining over a guy as a 16 year old. I mean, would you trust 16 year old you to make great decisions?

So the point of this post is this. We have things going on inside our heads. Imagery. Visions. Mind movies. I hope we can have a good discussion about the value (if any) of these, and the ways we all coped.

I think, as a WS, the POINT is to QUIT doing this.

QUIT with the mind movies (about AP), QUIT with the mind games (about AP or M), QUIT with the imagery.

I'm not sure there is any value to continuing the mind movies IF you have truly decided to repair the M.

As to coping-- if you've decided to R, then you've decide to R. Get on board with your own personal decision/committment and R.

Saddest Dad.

Thanks. I have had like 4 different phone numbers and multiple phones since and new emails too. I think the Linked In thing popped up because we are in the same line of work and used to work at the same place.

Some people have commented over the years how horrible it must be to catch the WS in the act. Well I did and I’m eternally grateful for it. My imagination can easily top what I saw. I guess that’s why I escaped the mind-movies but I had other triggers I had to deal with.

WH and his AP never met in person. It was all fantasy/texting/sexting/videos

They talked about him pretending I was her while he and I were having sex (they also talked about the reverse - her pretending with her husband). AP and I both had very long dark hair. One day during HB, a lock of my hair fell down from behind my back and lay across his chest. All I could think about was her and her hair him pretending I was her it was horrible. Within minutes, I was in the bathroom with scissors, chopping off my hair. I've had short hair ever since.

Thankfully I've had the same hairdresser since 2005. I texted her and she fixed me up within a couple of hours.

For me, it’s the image of them together when we’re being

intimate. I close my eyes and he’s there instead of me. Kills all desire and my libido.

For me, it’s the image of them together when we’re being

intimate. I close my eyes and [s]he’s there instead of me. Kills all desire and my libido.

Exactly.

Bigger makes a good point. My imagination is terrible.

Also, I need to hear on a regular basis ( daily ) that remorse makes the WS see the affair very differently including the sex. If my wife is feeling terrible about the sex with AP it gives me relief.

I hope waywards are smart enough to tell their betrayed spouses that they now see the entire affair differently including the sex. Tell them thinking about the sex makes you sick to your stomach. Of course this supposes you are remorseful.

[This message edited by Username123 at 4:13 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

think, as a WS, the POINT is to QUIT doing this.

QUIT with the mind movies (about AP), QUIT with the mind games (about AP or M), QUIT with the imagery.

I'm not sure there is any value to continuing the mind movies IF you have truly decided to repair the M.

As to coping-- if you've decided to R, then you've decide to R. Get on board with your own personal decision/committment and R.

I don't disagree. It's about changing your effort towards shutting it down. I will say for some period of time though, it was unwanted, involuntary, and compulsive.

Addictive personalities (and I do believe for some the affair is a form of addiction) tend to have impulse control issues. You will find many of us who had an affair have other issues interrelated with certain addictions. Anxiety, Depression, OCD, etc. I was actually treated with OCD for a while before I could really get a grip on those issues.

I am only commenting to raise awareness around this because it isn't as straightforward or simple for some of us.