15 years later. He’s triggered.
Hi all. I was a longtime poster here. Been in R for a long time. 15 years.
BS and I have been happy. I have been very successful on my career. I am closer to family. Our cat died this year which was heartbreaking but he lived a great long life with us.
I came home last night and my BS was asking me about my bed being shifted off the frame. He has been out of town. I had no idea what he meant but bottom line is he was triggered and thought I was perhaps having some sex antics that forcefully displaced the mattress.
Oh boy.
I know the drill. I take ownership. I told him absolutely not and he can look through my phone or anything he needs. I literally have not lied not even a fib since 2010 when I found this forum. I don’t need to lie. I have done the work. I have been to the lowest point. I am better. But there is no way he will ever 100% be able to trust me again.
He believed me but I know he was affected and had thought the worst.
He went so far as to say that he didn’t even care if I have affairs - he just wanted me to be open to him about it. He just wants me to be happy. Naturally I don’t buy that. Seemed like something he was saying to deflect the possibility of pain. He was devastated by my infidelity - it was so awful to see that pain. When I finally "got it" it stop took years to earn his trust again.
Not sure why I am writing this. Well maybe I am. First of all, positive. We are 15 years out and survived infidelity. We are each other’s best person. But also. It never goes away. And I see in here how some Waywards want it just to go away. But it won’t. And I am ok with that. It’s part of me. And us. It made me change and become a more authentic me. I did terrible things, but I am a good person and I am worthy of genuine love.
So hope.
MP
27 comments posted: Saturday, December 9th, 2023
Mind Movies
A member mentioned this to me in a PM. The mind movies. Let’s talk about it!
For the BS
At least for my BH, the mind movies were awful. He told me as much. He never asked details of my sexual interactions with the OM. But it doesn’t matter. Let’s assume the worst.
How did he get over the mind movies? I really don’t know. I do know that it was 2+ years before he could have any sexual interaction with me. I know that at first he thought he never could again. He asked me if I could live with that. I said no. He never went to counseling or anything because he doesn’t like that stuff. His choice. I don’t know if he still has mind movies during sex. He seems ok. He seems happy. But our relationship although wonderful (seriously!) is changed forever.
For the Ws.
My mind movies were reliving moments of the A. Horrible, I know. It was only once I was able to stop doing this, that I was able to wake up and see reality. It was like being high and suddenly you are sober and see the world again. I had to stop the mental contact. Reliving moments with the AP over and over was damaging to me, damaging to my M, and let’s face it, just fucking nuts. The best comparison I had was pining over a guy as a 16 year old. I mean, would you trust 16 year old you to make great decisions?
So the point of this post is this. We have things going on inside our heads. Imagery. Visions. Mind movies. I hope we can have a good discussion about the value (if any) of these, and the ways we all coped.
Love y’all. MP
[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 7:40 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]
110 comments posted: Wednesday, February 17th, 2021
Gender stereotypes and Cheating
Dear all,
It bothers me when I see posts and stories in which the woman (in an affair) is the “victim” is “broken” is “taken advantage of.”
And I see stories of wayward men who got involved with the OW because she is in need of rescue. Or men who cheat because they are powerful and entitled.
Am I alone in seeing these trends? Is this really the way the world is? This is certainly the world Hollywood has portrayed.
Maybe I would prefer to be arrogant than damaged? Selfish rather than victimized?
I think for me it boils down to not wanting to ever be seen as weak or vulnerable, even though those are acceptable “female” characteristics in our patriarchal society.
52 comments posted: Sunday, December 6th, 2020
A trauma that keeps coming up...trigger alert
I have trouble letting go of the past. Mistakes I made. Destructive relationships. I have told myself that (especially as a FWS) trying to reconcile my past is ridiculous. I am not talking about breaking NC with OM. There were plenty of other destructive relationships I in.
Almost 30 years ago, I put myself in a situation where I was nearly raped by a friend of two guys I was occasionally “hooking up” with. Yeah, you read that right. Two guys (roommates) had an occasional thing with me. For a time it was exciting and great. But then came the night I came over and I was locked in a bathroom with one of my “friends” who presumed I would have sex with some random other friend of theirs. Fortunately, the one “friend” realized he had made a mistake and unlocked the door. My other “friend” was not as understanding and angry. I ran out of their house, humiliated and half dressed and with a soaking wet t shirt (all I remember is the shower was on and I grabbed that shirt) and hopped on my bicycle and escaped.
I’ve never really shared this story. Bits and pieces with BH. It feels good to get it out.
I am more fortunate than many women (and men) who have suffered sexual assault.
I’m angry with myself for behaving like such a fool when I was younger. I was the free spirit - a woman who felt like she was in control of her sexuality. But was I really?
Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault. But I am annoyed with myself that I to this day fail to demonize the men who tried to take advantage of me and treated me like a piece of ass. I was obsessed at the time, then frightened, and now just...confused.
5 comments posted: Saturday, December 5th, 2020
Honesty and Transparency
Lying is (usually) one of the cornerstones of cheating. We justify it to ourselves, to our friends, our therapists, and the world. Sometimes it’s the ongoing lying that hurts more than the actual act of cheating. The “trickle truth.”
It’s funny (not like funny haha but more like ironic). I always considered myself an honest person. Never cheated on a test or stole a piece of candy from a drug store. But I learned to lie to my (overbearing) mother to protect myself. To avoid confrontation. To frankly not have to “deal.” Living in my head with my own truth was working for me.
I lied in almost every intimate relationship I had. At first , it was all truth and let me show you all my bad stuff and please accept me. But then, at time went on, I would keep feelings to myself. In part to avoid confrontation. In part because I was selfish and felt entitled to do what I want. In part because I don’t really want anyone to know what goes on in my head except me. Who could possibly understand?
After my DDays, my BH saw the worst of me. Saw that I had a lot I was hiding. I can’t say I felt relieved. Just exposed. Ashamed.
As a side note, I find shame the most difficult emotion to deal with. Perhaps because I have always been “good” and people (ok family) always so proud of me.
BH forgave me in time and I learned that hurt, confrontation or angry emotions are not the end of the world. It’s actually ok to speak things that are not comfortable or even painful.
I was thinking about this today because in a conversation with a work colleague, I was told “well, I take it you are telling the truth.” I was aghast. “Of course I am” I thought. I learned my lesson on that one. I am super honest and transparent, thank you very much. But how would my colleague know that?
People lie. All the time. I forget how much now that I have committed to living authentically. Even my BH believes “white lies” are ok. I am pretty black and white, so I say “not for me.”
Curious others’ experiences and pontifications on lying and radical honesty.
2 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020
