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woah people are harsh here!

she parked her car at his work to avoid the $150 fee from her home. Been there myself.

she can do what she wants geez. she may want him back and he's a total a hole. she's an adult that can choose and prior she may have needed some clarity and help. Now shes updating but also trying to move on in her way. maybe she wants to have sex with him, IDK but thats her thing. Been there too. guy can be an a hole but the sex so good you would gamble for that anyway.

what I did want to say on this:

this guy is still playing gigs, at his advancing age, still using women, ain’t near as handsome as he used to be, pot bellied

Pretty much a loser. Time marches on, some guys never change. Please don’t waste any more of your time on him.

I did cut my losses after a very short time.

this is absolutely true. cover band guys never go anywhere but bigger w less hair. my ex H is remarried and he is doing the same exact thing. his new W is getting sick of it cause they are constantly gambling and drinking where a friend of mine works. no paradise there w them or his growing midsection and balding head

1stWife and Hell Fire hit the nail on the head.

Haven't read through this entire thread, are you in IC bc gently it sounds as though nothing has changed, lather, rinse, repeat with this loser.

If you were near an airport, Uber and Lyft are available.

[This message edited by annb at 8:28 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

she parked her car at his work to avoid the $150 fee from her home. Been there myself.

She could have parked at work and caught a Uber to the Airport. That drive wouldn't have been $150. Stating the cost of a Uber from home is just a excuse to allow herself to be in the presence of the unworthy one and give him another chance to be worthy. Until Fanny stops doing such, she is still holding out hope for the unworthy one. She is better because her excuses are getting fewer, but they are still there.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:34 AM, Wednesday, June 2nd]

I don’t know how it can be cheating if you were/are not exclusive. He was publicly humiliating you and you took it. Please find a therapist to help you work toward a healthy sense of self worth. You KNOW you are worth more than that.

We are here, trying to help her. This is a pattern for her. He is toxic. She knows this. He uses her for her money,and sex. She knows this. Patting her on the back,and telling her it's ok to put herself out there for a man who refused to call her his girlfriend for 4 years, and gave her a used sex toy from a past relationship as a gift, among other things, is not helping her.

Sometimes harsh isn't harsh. It's trying to get through to someone who has low self esteem,and helping them realize they are better than being treated like shit by some douchebag.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:42 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

harsh and mean are not needed. if thats what she wants, then shes an adult who can decide that, broken or not, she is deciding.

and yeah $75 for there and back is easy to rack up. I travel a ton and this is common. I also hate paying that much if I can avoid it.

I may not choose what she is but ive also read a lil and took a man back who didnt deserve it. maybe she just wants to get in a lay. thats her prerogative too. none the less, we are all human and should either say nothing if you are just gunna throw rocks to hurt this person, be kinder. The world is full of shit as it is.

if she is someone who is catfishing, then thats a whole different story. plenty of people online pretending to be someone they are not and that is just bs.

For those that may not have followed both threads, F&C came here last September looking for advice about her BF (her term) who treated her poorly. A 4 year relationship (again her term) wherein we learned the extent of his poor treatment and disrespect of F&C.

Many people have provided time,advice, personal experience, support etc. I pleaded with her to get professional counseling. She said she found someone and they are wonderful. It seemed to be helping. She was making progress in realizing this guy is a loser.

What frustrates me (and the collective us here at SI) is that she keeps seeking him out and making excuses, holding out hope and waiting around for this idiot to sweep her off her feet and become the guy she wants him to be. And suddenly he will be her BF snd he will treat her with dignity and respect etc.

She deserves so much better. We all recognize that.

What we are hoping is that F&C recognizes that too. Tough love ain’t pretty. But sometimes it’s needed.

I am rarely harsh on this site. But I’ve been in F&c’s shoes snd hung onto relationships longer than I should have. The only thing I can say is that I wised up and stopped allowing myself to be mistreated by people like Mr Wonderful.

We are all hoping the same for F&C. That she wises up and stops wasting her time with this jerk.

And calling bullshit when it needs to be called is the honest thing to do here. As I stated this is a very unhealthy obsession she has with this guy. It’s sad to watch. Challenging to understand.

But we continue to hold out hope that she stops pining away for this “guy”.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:38 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

"People are harsh here"???

Lifestoshort, if you had taken the time to read Fanny's threads all the way back to last year there is NO way that you would have come to this conclusion!!!

It's quite obvious that you didn't so to those who have been here from the start your comment screams of ignorance.

It's also pretty insulting to those who continue to try to help Fanny when countless others (including myself) have decided to stop passing along words of wisdom to her as she came here seeking help and all she's done (every step of the way) is to ignore it.

Yes you are correct "she can do whatever she wants" (which she has done, again, every step of the way) and by doing so she's no better off than when she came to SI desperately seeking help last year.

So Lifestoshort, why don't you read EVERY SINGLE POST on both of her threads to see if you want to stick by your comment that people are being "harsh" and "mean" to her.

Go encourage her to F Mr Wonderful whenever she wants because "she can do whatever she wants" (which by the way, she was selling her body to Mr Wonderful and you and I and everyone here knows what you call someone who provides this service is called).

Go read her post about going on a boat with a complete stranger and then ask yourself if people should be coddling her or doing what they've been doing and that's doing whatever they deem necessary to hopefully get her to open her eyes.

"Maybe she wants to have sex with him, IDK but that's her thing"???

AGAIN IF YOU READ EVERY POST you would know

that she desperately wants a relationship and to have a family. To be in a committed relationship which this guy is INCAPABLE of giving her.

The1stwife, HellFire, Tush, cat, and the few others that continue to try to help Fanny I commend you.

What seems to be so sad about this thread is that all of us here at SI want something better for F&C. Unfortunately, we want it more than she does.

F&C, as long as you continue to spin in this man's wake, you won't have the time, energy or wherewithal to be open to a healthier relationship. Broken seeks broken, but you're not even accepting your brokenness, let alone his.

Continuing to seek this person out under various sketchy guises only prolongs your involvement and makes you unavailable to start working on yourself and healing.

I have to ask: do you want better? I mean, do you really WANT better? Better is going to mean putting down the pipe and stop giving yourself hits of hopium. This man has shown zero interest in being a better person. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Yet you keep telling yourself that "maybe" he will change and that "people can change if they want to."

Those are true, but we deal in reality here. The reality is that odds are he will not change. Are you hanging around for the 70:1 longshot or are you going to hedge a safer and more sane bet?

You are the captain of your own ship. Why do you keep seeking out the rocks and the shoals?

Cat

Ditto what Booyah said!

Yes, I could have parked my car at work and caught an Uber - but waited for over an hour for it to show up. Again, there are very few Uber/Lyft drivers in my area and they charge a small fortune for a ride not to mention take forever to show up. I took the easy way out and assumed he'd be in the office, showed up with no advance notice (didn't call/email/text/IM) and asked for a ride. He obliged.

Cooley2here - I considered us exclusive. He told me I was his girlfriend and said he wasn't dating anyone else. So catching him on dating sites made my heart sink - he promised to delete them and initially he did. When he broke up with me in March I saw him reappear on Tinder (I had a friend check for me). Ever since it's been a toxic see-saw of me trying to rekindle the romance and him telling me to give him time.

HellFire - Everything you say is true. He used me for my credit rating and sex but as time went on we sort of - I don't know - evolved...only to regress. The used sex toy for my birthday in 2019 was a low blow. Blowing me off on New Years and lying about it was a low blow. All the lies and keeping me at arm's length sucked ass ten ways to Sunday. He became a challenge I had to win and that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in so I started therapy to help me break the addition to him.

Lifestoshort - I don't want to be his or anyone's fuck buddy. I thank you for your kind words though because sometimes we all just need a virtual shoulder if that makes sense. I'm trying my hardest to heed the advice given here but like any addict it's hard to break the habit. Mr. Wonderful knows how I feel and what I want and chose to be the opposite of that. What I'm doing now is coming to terms with the fact that nothing I can say or do can help him. I have to turn the Florence Nightengale/Knight in Shining Armor off...it's a process I guess and not one that I would wish on anyone.

Booyah - I'm on day 14 of no contact. And I promise you and ALL of you I don't want to fuck for fuck's sake. That's not who I am. I've never had a one night stand in my entire life. I've slept with one person for the last four years and while it was mindblowing I'm slowly realizing it left me feeling like we had more than what we were. Maybe to him I was just HIS fuck buddy and he allowed me to dance in a delusion of grandeur to keep the sex on the regular going. I don't know - he did do a lot of very nice things for me over the years along with a lot of not very nice things. But as I stated earlier, I'm no longer concerning myself with the "what ifs" or trying to set any expectations for him or anyone. And you're right, I DO want a relationship and a family to call my own but with someone that actually wants to love me for me - warts and all so to speak.

Cat - Being no contact for 14 days is a start...or at least I hope so. And YES, I do want better. And I have to stop thinking that eventually HE will get better. Again, it's a matter of letting go of expectations...stop making predictions based on past behavior and the ending of trying to strategize for a potential outcome. To me (to use your analogy) this is the path to smooth sailing. The only way he's going to change is by his own accord as it's been proven time and time again nothing I can do, give or say will give him a "see the light" reaction. I still love him - probably always will. Letting go of someone you love is hard - but what's more difficult is holding on to a love that's unrequited because you find yourself holding on to a possibility versus a certainty. So I'm in the process of letting go of someone I love and the possibility of what could be knowing the reality of things.

I'll stumble, fall, make a ton of mistakes and take even more wrong turns on a dirty, bumpy path rife with potholes but eventually I'll reach an end to said path.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 12:09 PM, June 2nd (Wednesday)]

Fanny, I don't think I've posted on your threads before but I just wanted to come and say that I think what's frustrating for a lot of the folks here trying to help you is the reason NC keeps getting broken. Which is - emphatically you.

NC is tough, especially if you still feel love for your wayward. It's especially tough if the wayward keeps trying to break it, and it's tough to avoid having a weak moment after maybe too much wine and sending a text or making an ill-advised call. With you, it's more than that. You're going to these extremes to break NC - approaching HIM in the bar and walking him to his car, showing up impromptu at HIS workplace to ask him for a ride to the airport under a flimsy excuse (and yes, it was flimsy - you're a big girl, you could have made plenty of other arrangements, you just wanted to do it this way so you could see him), etc. You keep saying 'well, I saw him and we did this, but then I went right back to NC' - gently, that isn't NC. That's sporadic contact, and every time you initiate it, it's sending you back into the void. You act like barging in there without advance notice and demanding a ride is a show of strength, like an IDGAF moment, but it's really not. It just shows that you're still hung up on him.

You keep saying you've got this new lease on life where you can't help him and you're going to just live your life and let the chips fall where they may, but that's NOT what you're doing. If that were the case, you wouldn't be actively seeking him out and forcing each other to remain in each other's orbits. Again, gently, you just said that HE broke up with YOU, and you have twisted yourself into knots trying to rekindle in a situation where there's no interest from him. There's nothing to help, on his end. Not being interested isn't something that needs 'help'. He's just not interested, and that's his right. Your relationship didn't work, he's moving on with his life, and you are not.

You came here for help in disentangling yourself from all this, and that's all the folks here are trying to do, even the ones that seem blunt or harsh. That said, I'll say that you accept criticism and blunt comments with an open and mostly non-defensive attitude - now you just have to translate that into actually listening to the advice and putting it in place. Good luck to you.

What seems to be so sad about this thread is that all of us here at SI want something better for F&C. Unfortunately, we want it more than she does.

True. But I also feel that she wants more drama and you are here to feed it to her since her boyfriend is no longer a willing player. Have you even thought about this?

And when I read what she wrote about what she did, calling her ex boyfriend because of stupid reasons... ridiculous. Will all know that she could have reached out to others. Example, she keeps talking about all her friends.

I ignored those comments and instead focused on the positive that she has pretty much kept no contact with her ex boyfriend and that she is doing well.

This isn't what she wanted to hear! She wanted to hear DRAMA! And she got it! And her stirring the pot worked for a lot of you. She got your feathers in a ruffle again!

My comment which was ignored was boring and more in support of seeing her positives. She did not acknowledge mine because it was BORING!

I know that we are here mainly to support the quote victim, FC but have you given any thought to the fact that her boyfriend doesn't want to have anything to do with her anymore because she was playing him like she has played all of you? Just saying. Dangling the carrot, I'll give you money if, if, if. I'll buy you a boat if. I'll buy you a truck if... you can fill in the blanks.

I have a sister who can out do you any day in the drama department (and her daughter too) FC. They're the most manipulative, conniving con artists that I have ever met. Heck, they even have the courts and police department where her daughter lives shaking in their boots because of how bad my sister and her daughter are.

They use money, manipulation, deceit to get what they want. And if they don't get what they want through these means, you had better watch out.

They could easily run circles around you, FC. You would have nothing on them. But because of who they are, I am able to see your tactics of abuse clearly. But the problem here is that you may not be able to string your ex boyfriend along anymore but you are now doing it to these people here on SI who actually do care about you.

Why don't you get real, grow up and stop playing these people here on SI? If you truly wanted to get well, I think you would acknowledge the support here instead teasing them with your antics. Just saying.

Hurtmyheart - that was a low blow. I can't stand drama. I don't want to live around it, don't want to hear it and certainly don't want to be accused of thriving in it. I'm playing no one on here or in real life. I don't play. Period. And I certainly didn't play Mr. Wonderful - there was never a "if I do this you must do that" scenario. There was never a "I'll buy you a boat if you do this/that/the other". I don't do that. Everything I did for him was out of genuine love and loyalty. Something to show him how much he meant to me. In the end he played ME for the fool by taking advantage of my feelings for him for his own personal gain. You try to paint me as this deceptive, manipulative person and I couldn't be more the opposite of that. I may be naive, broken and have the worst judgement in the history of ever as it relates to the male persuasion but I'm no player. I would love nothing more than to find he strength to walk away completely - you know what the old adage says, "if you love them, let them go...if they love you they'll come back." And everyone is right - I come up with stupid, flimsy excuses to break NC...four years may not sound like a long time to most of you but to me it seems like forever. And that we've known each other for five years makes it difficult for me to not have him in my life in any capacity. But I'm no con artist and that you think otherwise is your judgement call to make however it's misguided and flat out wrong. I DID see what you wrote and it wasn't boring in the slightest. It seems you're more insulted that I didn't acknowledge it and thus stirred the pot - in other words became dramatic over it.

I more than acknowledge the support on here and try my best to listen to every word. But for Christ sake please don't sling mud or make blatantly insulting comments - that just hurts.

I think it's time to give Mr. Wonderful a new nickname. A words connotations has meaning to your subconscious even when used with sarcasm. I propose The Unworthy One. Time to start using those connotations to your benefit instead of his.

FC, good on you for going NC for as long as you did. Personally, back in my JFO days I had some similiar-ish comments directed at me.

My NC periods went from 6 days, to 6 weeks, to 6 months and then nothing for, several years.

From a guy's perspective, though, here's what I think. I think that you recognize that he's not good for you and you want to break things off. I think that you're doing a fair job of that with some setbacks. I think that you'd like to meet a good guy eventually.

You say that after 5 years you can't imagine not having this no-good in your life. As what I hope is a decent guy's comment, if I were to meet you and realize that you have Mr. No-Good still in your life I'd wish you the best of luck and then disappear.

While you have the need to have Mr. No-Good in your life then you're simply not ready for anything better, you know?

I'm sorry if I came across as harsh, I'm pretty direct about things (often to my detriment). Best wishes.

He's just not interested, and that's his right

FC, have you read "He's Just Not That Into You"? I didn't go through the long threads (either one) to see if it was a recommended read for you, but it opened my eyes to what whom I thought was a boyfriend really was to me...a dirt bag

All kidding aside, it has good information. It doesn't point fingers or shame blame.

He's Just Not That Into You is a great read, and I second the recommendation.

Another very good book is Why Men Love Bitches. Do NOT be put off by the title--it's all about not getting so immersed in a relationship and being the only giver while the other person only takes. Again, a really, really good read and one I think you should listen to.

Both of these would be an excellent start in understanding yourself and the dynamics of a relationship (particularly how men tend to think).

Cat

You are correct FC, that was a low blow on my part. I am sorry but I was triggered because you have to admit that your needing to call your ex boyfriend to bring you to the airport (and pick you up from the airport) was stupid because you could easily have called one of your friends. And then tell everyone that you hugged him good bye in passing as if this behavior was no big deal, like you were testing us to get some sort of response. It was stupid.

There are so many stories here on SI you could learn from and I get the weak part, I was weak with my deceased WH too. I want to encourage you to rise above and help yourself heal for a better future.

Again, I'm sorry for saying this. Maybe take some time to read other posts and comment on others stories... try to step out of yourself a little and give some advice to others who also are in need of support if you haven't done so already.

Cat - I have Why Men Marry Bitches...it's a good read. I'll look into the other book.

Hurtmyheart - thank you. Apology accepted. I didn't call him - in fact I gave him no advance notice whatsoever. I literally showed up at his desk unexpected and asked for a ride. But you're right - I could have asked someone else.

beauchateaux - Mr. Not-so-Wonderful isn't trying to break NC at all. In fact, each time NC is broken it's ME doing it, not him. That speaks volumes. And you're right as each time I approach him it shows him that I'm not over it and willing to be on the back burner if/when he ever decides he wants me. I have to face the fact that he's just not interested. He wouldn't have an updated Tinder profile if he was. He's moving on and I'm stuck running in quicksand. By going no contact it shows him that I really don't give a fuck anymore and it shows me that I give a fuck about myself.

Here's a question though - He didn't have to agree to give me a ride to the airport and he didn't have to hug and kiss me goodbye. He didn't have to agree to pick me up from the airport - he could have easily said no and told me to go away and leave him alone. If he really isn't interested and doesn't give a fuck about me why help me out?