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Just Found Out :
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Topic is Sleeping.
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:41 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Hey Fanny, I hope you are closing in on the three weeks of NC part 2 now.

posts: 1311   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8661535
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DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 12:37 PM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

I think Fanny is seeing Mr. Wonderful again.

I know it's hard to break free. Believe me I know.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8663696
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 11:43 AM on Monday, May 31st, 2021

No I’m not back with Mr. Wonderful. I’m on day 11 of no contact #3. Just got home from a great girls weekend and heading to a pool party today.

I didn’t tell him about the boat insurance payment due and let it go through. Not my problem.

He took me to the airport on May 13th but it wasn’t a big deal. I parked my car at work, showed up at his desk and asked for a ride. I didn’t want to pay the exorbitant airport parking fees and the airport is only a short drive from the office so people do this all the time. He obliged and then picked me up when I got home on the 17th. We spoke briefly on the 19th and from that day on it’s been no contact.

I still get the urge to reach out but I won’t. I can give you all the canned lines of “I’m going to focus on me” or “he’s a colossal asshole and never want anything to do with him again” but in reality I’m just living my life day by day and whatever happens happens. There’s no reason to plan anything or try to strategize next steps. If someone wants to be involved in my life I’ll know it and if they don’t I’ll know it too. There’s no point to having expectations or predictions. It’s sort of freeing because I’m no longer concerned with the outcome as things will play out they way they will with no help from me. As the old cliche goes...it is what it is.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 1:16 PM, May 31st (Monday)]

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8664009
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, May 31st, 2021

It's tough to break away from any relationship, edited to say even the most toxic ones.

I think you are doing good... keep on keeping on.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 11:34 AM, May 31st (Monday)]

posts: 870   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8664047
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:24 PM on Monday, May 31st, 2021

He took me to the airport on May 13th but it wasn’t a big deal. I parked my car at work, showed up at his desk and asked for a ride. I didn’t want to pay the exorbitant airport parking fees and the airport is only a short drive from the office so people do this all the time. He obliged and then picked me up when I got home on the 17th.

I'm calling bullshit. It WAS a HUGE deal. And you know it. WHY did you seek him out, for a ride, and a pick up? Come on, Franny. You've heard of Uber,and Lyft. You had many other options. You chose to break NC,and ask him.

So, what's the real reason? What were you really wanting out of it? It has nothing to do with anything you said. Our bullshit meters are finely tuned. And your excuse reeks.

Why you continue to insist on breaking NC with a man who is absolutely toxic, makes no sense. You are an intelligent woman. But you are making stupid choices.

There’s no reason to plan anything or try to strategize next steps

But you did. WHY??

posts: 4666   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8664081
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gettingthere2008 ( member #20427) posted at 1:34 AM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Hey, Fanny! I wanted to address “Mr. Wonderful”. I had one of those a 45 years ago or so. It was just after my divorce.

He was a drummer in a club and he took a shine to me, handsome, would always have the band play my favorite songs, and I took him on NSA. My story is similar to yours,

To avoid being repetitive. What I wanted to say, is that today,

this guy is still playing gigs, at his advancing age, still using women, ain’t near as handsome as he used to be, pot bellied

Pretty much a loser. Time marches on, some guys never change. Please don’t waste any more of your time on him.

I did cut my losses after a very short time.

BS, FWH l 68 &70
FWH EA 2 yrs off & on
Recovered for the last 15!years

posts: 76   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2008   ·   location: Far away from Limbo.
id 8664099
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 11:48 AM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

HellFire - because I didn't want to pay for parking. Uber/Lyft in my area is almost non-existent and the few that do it charge $150 for rides to the airport. I didn't want to pay that and since my office is literally a five minute drive to the airport I figured he'd be a good way to save a nice chunk of change.

He put my luggage into his truck and took it out at the airport so I didn't have to do any heavy lifting. Gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye and that was that. When I returned home he was waiting for me outside of baggage claim and drove me back to my car. We talked a bit, I said "see ya" and left. He saved me a lot of money. We talked a little for a couple days after and since then it's been zero contact.

He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with me or maybe with anyone right now - I watched this Tyler Perry video last night titled, "Let Them Go" and it struck a chord. I also read a post in General that also seemed to make sense. It's ok to let people go - and if they want to come back they will when they're ready if ever. Do I think he'll come back? I don't know. Do I WANT him to come back? Only if he can be someone worth having in my life. You never know how long any of this takes so there's no point in thinking about it. It'll happen when it happens. So until then I'm just going to live my life, do the things that make me happy and let go of all expectations.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8664145
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:06 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

You can tell yourself whatever lie you wish.

You make good $ — yiu can afford to pay fir the ride to the airport.

You have friends that could have driven you to the airport.

You were looking for attention from him. You mistakenly believe he’s interested in the fact you are going way and he sill be jealous. You want him to miss you. You are trying to make him jealous and I’m certain you showed up looking glamorous and all that.

Sadly you mistakenly believe you had a relationship with him too. Just remember you posted how he took everyone out on the boat but you. He had weekends of fun with other friends without you.

As I said — you keep telling yourself whatever lie you wish.

Just know you should expect NOTHING to change. You undermine yourself at every turn. How sad.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12527   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8664149
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DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 1:34 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Gave me a hug and a kiss goodbye

I might be able to buy the "i needed a ride story" except for this. I'm with Hellfire

and that was that.

This is the lie you keep telling yourself...no big deal...just a hug and a kiss...

When I get rides from co workers I don't hug and kiss them goodbye. And I can tell you, if my ex was my only option for transportation I would spend the 150 in a heartbeat.

What if he was on vacation in Australia, what would you have done? I'm not looking for an answer...I just know there was another way...and you do too.

There was an option that was less than $150.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8664157
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:49 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

And I can tell you, if my ex was my only option for transportation I would spend the 150 in a heartbeat.

Yup. 100% true.

There was a question on FaceBook recently that asked: if your X showed up needing a place to stay temporarily would you take them in?

My response was I would not take them in (most likely) but I would pay for them to stay in a place for a few nights.

And that my friends is NO CONTACT. For a reason. Forever.

As a few previously stated — you can tell yourself whatever lie you wish F&C. But we all know the obvious truth.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12527   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8664160
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:56 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Do I WANT him to come back? Only if he can be someone worth having in my life. You never know how long any of this takes so there's no point in thinking about it. It'll happen when it happens. So until then....

So you haven't walked away from this poisonous relationship. You are waiting around on him to get it. Ok, you're doing things that make you happy in the meantime, but you're waiting on him.

He hugged and kissed you? You allowed that? Girl,where is your self respect??

$150 for a five minute ride? That's doubtful. A friend,or coworker couldn't take you? Of course they could. You couldn't call a cab? Sure could. You wanted him to take you,because you wanted him.

Then you let him touch you.

You have no respect for yourself, so why should he?

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:56 AM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 4666   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8664161
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:12 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Fanny,
We all stumble. You sound better, but you are still pinning a bit. You know he's not worthy of you. Leave him in your past where he belongs.

posts: 1311   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8664165
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 2:12 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Uber/Lyft in my area is almost non-existent and the few that do it charge $150 for rides to the airport.

I find this hard to believe. If your office is indeed 5 minutes from the airport, why couldn't another co-worker take you? It probably wouldn't cost $150 to get there from your office, but you're telling yourself (and us) this to minimize the fact that you're finding excuses to maintain contact.

Why is that?

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33113   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8664166
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

The1stWife - Yes, I could have asked a friend to drive me to the airport. My flight was at noon and I didn't want to ask anyone to take off work to take me and knew he would be there doing nothing as his job is such that he spends most of his day doing nothing. Most of us aren't allowed back in the office but he's been deemed "essential" and thus I knew he would be there. As a brief aside, I haven't been allowed back to the office since March of last year as with my entire team. The office is working at about 20% capacity. And no, I hardly looked glamorous...I was in jeans and hoodie with chucks. I consider what we had as a relationship - it wasn't a GOOD relationship but in my mind it was one by my definition.

DanielJK - No way in hell he would be on vacation anywhere as he hates to travel. He literally doesn't go anywhere. If he wasn't at work I would have sucked up the fees and parked at the airport.

HellFire - I'm not waiting for him. In fact I'm not waiting for anybody. And the $150 would be a ride from my house to the airport, which is a 20 mile ride. Having the office so close to work people would park their car in the parking lot and have a co-worker take them/pick them up. It's one of the few perks of having an office so close. The hug and the kiss I guess was something borne out of routine - it just happened. I truly think the feelings are still there he just knows he can't give me the relationship I want - be it right now or ever. The only thing I know is I'm no longer waiting for something to happen as life is too short to wait for something that can only be described as a possibility. I liken it to waiting to win the lottery - why wait for something you don't know will happen? No point so the only course of action is to live a life that makes you happy and whatever happens happens.

Cat - None of my co-workers are in the office. Mr. Wonderful isn't a co-worker - he's just someone else that works for the company. We don't work in the same department. All of my co-workers are still stuck working from home. Again, I knew he'd be in the office (as one of the few that have to be there) sitting at his desk surfing amazon doing nothing and it would literally take him maybe 10 minutes to drive me there and drive back to the office. If I had tried to get an Uber/Lyft to pick me up from my house it would have cost $150 (the going rate around here because there are so few drivers). In retrospect I should have planned in advance and made arrangements.

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8664172
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

the only course of action is to live a life that makes you happy and whatever happens happens.

If this is your stance, then it sounds like you are no longer in need of our advice - you've got it under control. That's fine - you do you, and I truly hope that you are happy.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 38 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-38&34 12yo GS,9yo GD & 7yo.GD (DD38) and 10yo GD & 5yo GD(DD34). D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8877   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8664176
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with me or maybe with anyone right now

So basically you are still letting him make the choice to be in a relationship. You are still considering this clown "if" he's relationship-worthy which he has proven time and again that he is not.

He's in your life for only one reason...you still want him there. I think the advice given here has been ignored time and again, so at this point all anyone can do is wish you luck. Oh, and maybe a new therapist is in order because the one you have now isn't working to help you.

posts: 202   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8664190
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 FannyandCat (original poster member #74653) posted at 4:52 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

scaredwoman - People change...but the change has to come from within as no one is going to change for someone else. If they do, it's not genuine. But I do know that the people we are today aren't going to be the same people five years from now. I know for damn sure I'm a far cry from the person I was 5, 10, 15 years ago. From clothing styles, political affiliations to religion and sexual preferences it can all change over time. It's called evolution - we are a species that evolves. And while I know the person he is at the moment isn't someone I should be with doesn't mean that at some point he's going to change into someone that may - but I'm NOT going to wait for it. That's the whole point of my post - no strategizing, no expectations, no trying to make predictions. Only time will tell what will happen and I'm going to spend that time happy, content and grateful for all that I have in life.

He's made it clear that what I'm offering is not what he wants and there are plenty of people on this planet that do so I'm going to spend time with them. I'm no longer going to give my time or energy to something that doesn't want to reciprocate it back - life is too short.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 1:34 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

posts: 165   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2020
id 8664198
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 9:38 PM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Of course we evolve and change. This is the same gentleman who for four years wouldn't acknowledge you as a girlfriend, right? Just making sure we're talking of the same guy. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone who treats you well and would love to hear that you've moved on completely from this one, but in addition to be evolving humans we are also creatures of habit and habits are hard to break :-)

posts: 202   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8664271
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:19 AM on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

He’s treated you poorly yet you still good out hope that he will magically change and become the guy you want.

He continues to show you exacting who he is. But you keep refusing to face reality. Your words indicate “you are not waiting around fir him” but yet YOU are the one who instigated the last contact.

Just own up to the reality of your obsession or addiction to this guy. Then we can all move on and stop giving you advice you will never accept. I hate to sound harsh but you constantly contradict yourself.

I’m not calling him you say.

But then you do under some false pretense of needing a lift to the airport.

Prior to that you ditched your friends to make out with him in a car in the parking lot of a bar. Because they here were no other bars to go to with your friends. You probably had some idea he would be there.

Prior to that there was the drunken night in your apartment wherein you weren’t together (your words) but you slept with him.

We are all here hoping you start to “get it”. But we can see you just cannot help yourself. This isn’t love and it isn’t healthy. It’s an obsession or addiction or borderline scary behavior. Whatever it is — I’m not equipped to provide any help here.

You know the old saying - you can’t help those who won’t help themselves.

I really hoped you would be past this by now. I thought you had a willingness to realize you deserve better and you would be smart enough to do better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12527   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8664324
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:25 AM on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2021

ScaredWoman on the previous page was correct. Fanny’s current issues have nothing to do with infidelity; furthermore, it’s clear at this point that she was never in an exclusive relationship with this man.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 866   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8664327
Topic is Sleeping.
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