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FannyandCat posted 4/13/2021 06:27 AM

Jambomo - I don't see him at work. He still has to go to the office but I've been working from home since last March and that's not going to change for at least a couple of years (my company issued an edict stating as such).

We live in the same town - he rents I own. I LOVE my house and love my neighborhood and while I've seen him a few times driving around town there's not much of a chance I'll run into him - it's a big town. And with the real estate market around here what it is I'd get a princely sum for my house but finding another place will be difficult - houses sell in less than a day right now over the selling price and usually with a bid war. I bought this house as part of my overall retirement plan and plan on living here for at least the next 17 years. And besides, if I happen to see his truck where I'm going I will TURN AROUND and leave. There's also a chance that his legal issues will have him ending up in prison for 6-12 months so if anyone is going to be forced to leave it's him, not me.

Blocking him this morning was a step in the right direction...taking him off my IM list at work (did that this morning too) is another step. I can't block him on our work IM system but at least I don't see his name anymore in my contact list.

I realize now that the only impact that letter had on him was to solidify his mindset that I will take anything and everything he dishes out and continue to be treated like garbage - that he thinks no matter what shit he pulls I'll always be there to take it. Blocking him, ignoring him if he tries to IM me at work and literally never speaking to him again is the only way I can send a message that I refuse to take his shit anymore and I'm DONE. Silence speaks volumes.

Day 3 of no contact - can't wait to report to you guys when it's day 30 of no contact.

Booyah posted 4/13/2021 07:31 AM

Fanny physically seeing him is one thing, but at the end of day your battle is your mindset.

The Jews were slaves for 400 years.
God approaches Moses, and you know the story, they were freed from Pharaoh and no longer slaves.

So what does God do?
He takes them out into the desert?
Why?

Just because they no longer had shackles around their ankles (being a slave) they were still slaves mentally and that's where the battle was.

So God took them out into the desert to work on their mindset day by day and what better place to do this out in the desert because there's nothing to do there.

You can't physically avoid this guy forever.
In the big picture he really has NOTHING to do with you and how you think about yourself.

Right now however, this is why no contact is important.

You need to get into counseling (with NO distractions) so that you can start working on your mindset and all the things that you've been a slave to.

One day at a time.
This is done so that you can trust the process and the counselor helping you.

NONE of this works if you're not committed to it but even more importantly are you brave enough to open up the doors to face the demons you've locked up and kept hidden from your consciousness all these years?

It takes courage to do this.

This is also why you don't want or need any distractions why you're working on you.

Bringing another man into your life during this process is going to F this all up.

At the end of the day setting firm boundaries to protect this counseling process will only benefit YOU and hopefully this is why you're doing this (putting in the work) because you want to get off the dysfunctional merry-go-round and put an end to the drama that YOU bring into your life and you can start to find some peace that you've desperately been seeking.

You have a SLAVE mentality and counseling will slowly but surely break those shackles that are binding you in your head.

Again, are you worth putting in the work?

The payoff is and will be HUGE!!

Only you can answer if you're worth it.
It starts with a decision but it has to be followed by putting in the work.

grubs posted 4/13/2021 08:11 AM

And besides, if I happen to see his truck where I'm going I will TURN AROUND and leave.

Stop looking for his truck. That in itself keeps his ghost floating around in your head. If it takes six months to a year of driving to the other side of town or the next town over for shopping or going out to avoid frequent contact so be it.

HellFire posted 4/13/2021 08:19 AM

I don't think blocking him is enough. Because you know damn well he will eventually show up at your door,especially since he can't get ahold of you any other way. And you know it too.

One message.

Xxxx,
I have decided to move on. I am no longer interested in seeing you,in any way. Do not contact me through text, message,or show up at my house. You are no longer welcome at my home, or in my life. If you see me, do not approach me. We are completely finished.
Fanny

Then block him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:20 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

FannyandCat posted 4/13/2021 09:16 AM

Hellfire - I'd rather just say nothing. He doesn't deserve one more second of my time - even if that time is used to say we're over for good.

And at any rate, he's blocked so I can sit back and not have to think about getting any type of communication from him. No more wondering - gotta admit it feels...I don't know...a bit freeing.

And I'm not going to scout out his truck - or even look for it when I go somewhere - if I happen to see it where I'm going I will just not go there. And it's a good idea to change my shopping habits a bit - go to a different grocery store. That's easy enough to do.

And in the off-chance he shows up at my door (I find this highly unlikely though - that would take a minimal effort on his part and I'm not worth even that to him)I don't have to open the door. I don't own a doorbell system or security system but I can easily look out the window from upstairs to see who it is. And if I see his truck in my driveway just let the dog bark and not open the damn door.

I've come to the realization that anything and everything that came out of his mouth was nothing but what he thought I wanted to hear - he didn't mean any of it. And I was stupid enough to believe it. He's a prolific liar/con artist and I've been swindled for far too long. It's like the clouds have finally parted and the rational side of my brain is FINALLY awake. Instead of thinking emotionally I'm thinking logically - and I have to admit I'm liking the pragmatic side of me a lot better than the emotional side.

Booyah posted 4/13/2021 09:32 AM

"He's a prolific liar/con artist".

Fanny, SO ARE YOU!!!

Not to other people but to yourself!!!!

All the countless lies you tell yourself.

You don't think you con yourself???

For the umpteenth time this is NOT ABOUT HIM.

IT'S ABOUT YOU and aren't you tired of lying and conning yourself?

Stop pointing the finger at him and look at yourself!

newlife03 posted 4/13/2021 10:06 AM

And in the off-chance he shows up at my door (I find this highly unlikely though - that would take a minimal effort on his part and I'm not worth even that to him)

It is VERY likely that he will show up at your door. Your 'worth' to him means nothing because it's not about you at all, it's about him and his needs. He knows you're always available, so him showing up wouldn't surprise me at all.

I can't wait until you've had at least one full week of NC. And then another...and then another. You can do this!

FannyandCat posted 4/13/2021 11:55 AM

Booyah - you couldn't have said it better.

I HAVE been lying to myself...conning myself into thinking he's someone that he's not. Lying to myself about what our so-called relationship really was.

I've been nothing but a vessel for his carnal pleasure and financial gain - for YEARS. And I would trick myself into believing that for one reason or another he couldn't give himself fully to me and once "this" happened or "that" happened he'd finally come through. Never gonna happen.

And newlife03 - I'd be willing to bet money he doesn't come by my house - he's like a vampire and only shows up when invited. But yeah, looking forward to making it a week - that would be a big milestone - at least for me.

Lalagirl posted 4/13/2021 12:17 PM

I can sit back and not have to think about getting any type of communication from him.

Watch out for rando numbers/email addresses/SM profiles - he may get a burner phone or create a fake email/profile to try to weasel his way to you.

Stay strong.

There's a thread in D/S "Stay No Contact, Post It Here" - write what you want to say to him when you feel tempted to break NC.

Hugs!

Buster123 posted 4/13/2021 12:46 PM

Fanny I honestly don't think you're serious until you tell your ex-bf in no uncertain terms that he's no longer welcome in your life PERIOD, but that's just my opinion. You break off, go to therapy but on a whim he shows up and you fuck him, then you claim yet again now it's really over but you seem afraid to tell him so, also you shouldn't need anyone else to get over him, work on yourself and value yourself, he probably just sees you as a side piece and a convenient free always available room for him to spend the night when he's locked out, you don't need this loser, act like it.

The1stWife posted 4/13/2021 14:02 PM

Buster123 I could not agree more. Very well said.

Hurtmyheart posted 4/13/2021 15:47 PM

he probably just sees you as a side piece


It seems like Fanny's XBF has another women on the side (or he is possibly pining over someone else, maybe even his XW).

Fanny is the OW that he uses when he wants something or needs to rid himself of his sexual frustrations, I kind of look at it as getting his rocks off, using her.

Your XBF (fuck buddy) will never commit to you because he doesn't see you "that" way, neither as wife material or the step mother of his child.

FannyandCat posted 4/13/2021 18:36 PM

Hurtmyheart...heís definitely isnít pining for his ex-wife. They hate each other and he only married her because she became pregnant five month after they met.

But if heís dating other women and Iím just an easy lay when he wants it then that door is closed.

Had a good therapy session today. We ended it with something to ponder...she said most men would see me as a good catch and the ex also thinks so I just have to realize it myself. That if I found myself to be a catch I wouldnít tolerate being treated so badly. And the ex resents my success and treats me like shit because for whatever reason what I have versus what he doesn't emasculates him. Iíve been thinking about that since I left her office. What he thinks of me is no longer my concern but to think he treated me like garbage just to make himself feel better says a lot about his character.

Blocking him and not saying a word is I feel the best course of action. Anything I say to him will look like an emotional outburst and wonít have the desired effect. Just move on, donít look back and leave him the fuck alone.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 7:27 AM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

LightningCrashes posted 4/14/2021 19:16 PM

Good job. Glad therapy is helping. Just keep moving forward. You are going in the right direction.

FannyandCat posted 4/15/2021 09:36 AM

Day 5 of no contact.

So far so good...

And the weirdest thing happened two days ago...

So a guy I went on a date with seven years ago (SEVEN YEARS!) reached out to me via LinkedIn since I don't have any other social media accounts. From what I remember from the date - we went out for Indian food, had what I thought was a good time, kissed him goodnight (not my usual MO - I don't usually kiss guys on a first date) and we never saw each other again. I had reached out and he sort of flaked out.

Anyway, he wanted to get together so I suggested we meet at a park - he brings his own coffee and I bring mine. That way there's no obligation on either part and if it goes sideways I could be out of there in 15 minutes.

So we met up yesterday at the park (it was a beautiful day) and we ended up on a bench just shooting the breeze for almost 2 hours. Obviously we had a lot of catching up to do being that it's been seven years since we last shared air space. He said he hasn't stopped thinking about that date and said he freaked out back then because he didn't know how to ask me out again but that he always wondered what became of me. He's been divorced for 10 years (nine for me), no kids and was very forthright that he wants a committed, monogamous relationship with the right person.

He's very sweet - and NORMAL. He sold his house a few years ago and bought a 53' yacht that he uses as his primary residence. His parents actually live in my neighborhood (talk about coincidence!) and he has a good job with a familiar company in town.

After about two hours I announced I had to go and he walked me to my car. He asked me out for Sunday (he's going on a golf trip today through Saturday with his father and a bunch of other people) and I accepted.

It was SO refreshing to talk to a man that isn't afraid to express himself emotionally...he said I looked amazing and was interested in seeing where this would go. I told him I couldn't predict what I'm eating for dinner tomorrow let alone what my future would look like but would be happy to go out with him again on Sunday.

Cute, funny, smart, well educated, stable, NORMAL with his shit together. We shared our interests and seem to have a lot in common. I'm going to take this at a snail's pace because I need to make sure that onion is fully peeled before doing anything that would jeopardize my heart.

We ended up texting last night and he was asking a ton of questions about me and vice versa. That was such a nice change of pace...we'll see.

grubs posted 4/15/2021 10:00 AM

I had reached out and he sort of flaked out.

He said he hasn't stopped thinking about that date and said he freaked out back then because he didn't know how to ask me out again but that he always wondered what became of me. He's been divorced for 10 years (nine for me), no kids and was very forthright that he wants a committed, monogamous relationship with the right person.

Cute, funny, smart, well educated, stable, NORMAL with his shit together.

Fanny, You're right in that you need to take this slowly. You would be better off not dating until you get more counseling sessions behind you. People with their shit truly together don't ghost after 1 date. He sounds much better than your xWbf, but that bar is so incredibly low. That you were ok with that bar level is more the problem than you xWBF ever was. 10 years still single sounds like a player. Please be careful.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:25 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]

DanielJK posted 4/15/2021 10:13 AM

You're doing it again.

I'm starting to wonder if you are putting us on. Is this a joke?

(not my usual MO - I don't usually kiss guys on a first date)

Ummm, you kissed a guy you knew for an hour when he came to buy your jeep.

It was SO refreshing to talk to a man that isn't afraid to express himself emotionally...

He wants pussy...of course he's willing to express himself. I love when women say things like this. You do realize that most men who want pussy will do or say anything, right?

he was asking a ton of questions about me

You kissed him the first time you reconnected. He wants pussy and you're falling for it. He has no reason to believe that he might not get it.

Cute, funny, smart, well educated, stable, NORMAL with his shit together.

And you know all this from one sit in the park? After having one date with him 7 years ago.

bought a 53' yacht

and still single after 10 years? Something is wrong with him.

I know my posts seem harsh, but I really don't mean to be. After suffering what we have I want everyone here to be happy. I think you need time for yourself first. Maybe set a goal of 3 months (90 days) to talk to your IC a few times...take time for yourself, be alone.

I just think you are fooling yourself. Posting here helps you fool yourself into believing you are growing as a person.

Or, be honest. This is what makes you happy. It's OK, you may be happy living like this. Nothing wrong with that, whatever makes you happy.

I think he's a cute, funny, smart, and well educated player.

The1stWife posted 4/15/2021 10:20 AM

DanielJK nailed it!!!

I agree 💯%

He texted and asked questions. It doesnít prove anything at this stage of the Game.

Honestly I wouldnít give the time of day to a person who I went out with once decades ago and then ghosted me. His rationale (now) for his behavior (decades ago) sounds like a load of crap too.

NorthernMSB posted 4/15/2021 11:17 AM

Am I the only one that thinks a dude that hasn't stopped thinking about a woman he went one ONE date with SEVEN years ago is a wee bit creepy as F&*k????

And FannyandCat for the love of all the Gods, stop with all these entanglements...just be. I know you are the hero of your own tale here...I get it, but as others have said take the time to not be involved with anyone. In any way. It is a gift to cultivate a little peace and calmness and evaluate why you make the decisions you do.

FannyandCat posted 4/15/2021 11:40 AM

DanielJK...

To clarify some things...

I kissed the jeep guy after three hours, not one. And it was totally unexpected. He just planted one on me out of the blue. And while it was a nice kiss that's all it ever was because we stopped talking after about a week or so. But yeah, maybe it's more my MO than I thought. And I definitely DIDN'T kiss this guy yesterday. We hugged goodbye - that's it.

And I'm not naive enough to know he wants to get laid. Doesn't mean I'm going to allow it. As I said, I'm going to take a snail's pace with this - I'm worth the wait and he needs to know that too.

Again, we did NOT kiss yesterday. And he's going to know in short order that getting access to my vagina is not going to happen quickly - he's going to have to earn that with time, trust and effort. We did kiss on that date seven years ago though but that's all we did.

Well, I could tell you he's cute from meeting him and seemed well spoken. He has a stable job and I know where he went to college. So there's that - but I'm willing to at least get to know him a little better.

It's not as if he hasn't been in a relationship for seven years. He has and said as such. And lets face it - I've been divorced for almost 9 years and here I am still single. Is there a threshold for how long a person is supposed to be single before labeled a "problem"? I don't quite agree with your logic.

And truthfully I appreciate your candor. Being perpetually single does NOT make me happy. I would love nothing more than to have a partner. When I suggested to my therapist that I take a break from dating she laughed and said, "you won't - I can already tell you that". So maybe she knows me better than I think.

I'm going to let him know in no uncertain terms that the first whiff I get that this is something that it's not I'm out of there. I'm going to test out my new standards, let him know my worth and see what happens. If you don't try you don't know...and I'm willing to at least try a date on Sunday.

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