SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have any here in my real world. I finally decided on a lawyer, met with them earlier this week, and now I have the contract for a retainer in hand and I'm terrified to sign it because that makes it real.

I want someone to help me through this and I have no one. It's like this is a preview of the way the rest of my life is going to be. That's one of the worst parts of infidelity - that I don't have a best friend anymore. How do you get past the paralyzing anxiety? How did you find the strength to go forward knowing that as soon as you pulled the trigger everything would change for the worse with no end in sight?

I'm miserable in my marriage and I'm afraid of being miserable divorced and alone. There doesn't seem to be any way out. Can someone please tell me that it's going to be okay?

It's really going to be okay. It IS scary. It's okay and normal to be scared.

But I promise you this. If you're divorcing a toxic spouse, you will NOT be miserable without him there. The divorce sucks, but the life after being free of a cheater is SO MUCH BETTER than you can even imagine.

Strength honey. You got this shit!

Read the fear vs reality thread. It’s true.There will be good days and there will be bad days with the peace of knowing that there’s honesty and authenticity in your life is so worth it

Hi InPurgatory,

I don't see pulling the trigger as making things worse. I see it as taking a stand for what is right and putting someone in place who will fight for you.

I had many of your same fears and anxieties: Can I afford to live on my own after being married for so many years (25 in my case, with 2 children still at home). This person who has been there for you is just suddenly GONE (WH moved out to live with the OW. Three years later, they are still together.) Turns out, he really wasn't my best friend at all. Hadn't been for years.

The reality was, when he left the house, it was REFRESHING! No more anxiety, no more conflict, no more dealing with his lies and gaslighting. It was amazing!

Our D was final 3 months ago. I have full custody of the kids (which is what I wanted) and I'm keeping my dream house. I spent the past three years getting my ducks in a row, taking back my power, and drawing a deep line in the sand over what I wanted in the divorce. I got it all, and I'm happier now than I was for a long time in the last years of my marriage.

I was in a miserable M as well riddled with infidelity and emotional abuse. I left 5 months ago and I have to say things have gotten a lot better. I had to downsize and I see less of my kids but it is still better than how I felt in my M. I’m not going to lie you will have some down days but you will also have really good days where you feel happy again and at peace with life. It just keeps getting better and I can do things for me now and not have to walk on eggshells all the time and no more anxiety over what mood he will be in. No more wondering if he’s still cheating or what he is up to.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:11 AM, February 13th (Saturday)]

That's one of the worst parts of infidelity - that I don't have a best friend anymore. How do you get past the paralyzing anxiety? How did you find the strength to go forward knowing that as soon as you pulled the trigger everything would change for the worse with no end in sight?

I've gone through these feelings big time. My ex was my best friend, well, if best friends traumatize and abuse you, that is. But I thought he was, and I've felt that void massively. Having said that, it's forced me to look at why I don't have a better support system, and I've put a lot of thought and energy into growing deeper connections with existing friends. I've realized my fear of being vulnerable has kept everyone at arm's length. My husband was the only person I allowed myself to be fully vulnerable with - of course, that turned out to be a massive error in judgement.

You get past the anxiety by reaching out to people, posting here and receiving wisdom and support, reading self-help, journaling, practicing meditation, spirituality, getting out in nature, therapy and possibly medication. You can watch dumb tv and play video games when you just want to numb out. Miraculously, the dark nights become fewer and farther between, and a faint light shows itself at the end of the tunnel. Dig into your pets, your children, the kind people, who you don't yet know well, but feel safe reaching out to. You'll blurt out your husband cheated in the check out line, to customer service people on the phone, to the neighbor and get so much validation and kindness. Sadly, so many people have been there.

I'm not going to lie, you'll have some of the worst moments of your life. That's withdrawal and change and it's terrifying, but remember only a badass can take that on and walk through it. You're a badass.

Even before Dday#1, I use to lie in bed with my W, who I didnt know was a WS, and think about living quietly somewhere in a cabin. I had never had these thoughts before. Any dream always included my W. Looking back, I think my subconscious knew what she was doing long before Dday#1 and was in pain.

After the big reveal, Dday#2, I was in some serious pain, but eventually tried R. Did most things wrong, but some things I did right. I took the advice on SI and waited 6 months to make a decision, well, actually 7. But deep down in my bones, I knew it was a deal breaker. My friends knew it too and were patiently waiting for me to catch up. Hell, even my STBXWW knew it.

It felt like that Faulkner story everyone reads in high school, A Rose for Emily. The protagonist spends 30 years sleeping to a corpse, while she lives a lie. For the 7 months I slept beside my STBXWW, I felt disgusting and dirty, like I was sleeping with my own corpse, and like Homer, she wasn't getting any fresher. This was going to be the rest of my life, sleeping with a putrid corpse of a human being until my body too caught up. It was essentially a death sentence for me, body and soul.

My sister said to me, when you know, you know. She was half right. We also have to admit to ourselves that we do indeed, know. That is the tough part.it is also glorious.

I cannot express to you the feeling I experienced when I calmly told my STBXWW that we were done. It was, and there is only one way to capture this, FUCKING AWESOME! it was like I grew limbs back, or discovered a whole new part of me I had locked away in my soul. It was powerful. Much of how I feel about that moment I have gleaned through retrospect as I have needed to distill it.

Make no mistake, the next year was Hell with a IHS, during which we nested, week on, week off. But when I got my own apartment, I was over the moon.

My place was just mine. I decided everything. It was a safe place for me and I loved it. It is cramped and too small. I sleep in the dining room in a nook I have creatively constructed and in which I am typing this. My daughters are asleep in their own bedrooms and I am at peace. I'm drinking my latte out of my favourite mug, one of the first things I bought when I moved here, emblazoned with the word PEACE on it. It has become my motto.

After 2.5 years separated, what has my journey been like. Well, super nonlinear. Actually hate that word. Infidelity has killed part of me and caused me to grow and change I ways I could not have imagined. It is something I would not wish upon anyone, save my STBXWW. I have spent time crumpled on the kitchen floor in tears, getting drunk alone on my couch, and mired deep in sadness and loneliness. But I have also grown as a person, really learned to feel my soul, felt love again, then lost it, had the best sex of my life (lost that too), learned to put me first, learned that there are friends I can lean on, and most of all, learned that a marriage shackled to a corpse would have been the greatest insult to that gift of my one precious life.

I also learned that alone is okay. There is a good chance that I will be alone for a good long time, maybe for the rest of my life. I have my kids, I have my friends, I have my work, but most of all, I have myself. I'm a better, more authentic version of me without the dead weight of my STBXWW. Sure, I'm battered and bloody, but some people really like old things with character. So knows? But I guess that's the point of life. We aren't supposed to know. If we did, we would just be characters reading from a script, rather than living the shit out of our adventure. So now I have, after years, left the victim/survivor phase behind. It has served its purpose and taken me as far as it could. Now I choose to embrace the thriver phase. I choose to look forward. I'm not so young and foolish to think it will be smooth, I do plan o some drunk maudlin evenings on the couch, but on the whole, averages being what they are, it will be upward.

As for you, you know what to do. Now just admit that you do...I hope one day you too can get a mug with your word on it.

InPurgatory- sign the form! You said you

have the contract for a retainer in hand and I'm terrified to sign it because that makes it real.

Well sign it. See how that part feels to you. Just cause you put your signature on it doesn't mean it is a viable contract. You would have to take the next step of passing it along to the lawyer and you can wait till you are ready for that step. You might find a sense of relief just from putting your signature on the paper, so turning it over to attorney won't be terrifying.

Thank you all so much! I'm crying as I read this. The funny part is that the people who know me have no idea how weak and helpless I feel most of the time. Even my therapist seems to think that I have it together.

I live in perpetual fear of making a stupid error for lack of information. It leads me to endlessly feel like I have to keep researching before making a decision. It's why, 5 1/2 years after the last big DDay, I'm still stuck here. My goal for myself is to get the form signed and submitted by midnight tonight.

It has been a challenging week, on top of the lawyer stuff. Yesterday was the anniversary of a major traumatic event in my life (workplace shooting). We also have a winter storm beginning here and that is a trigger because of the events leading to a house fire many years ago. Our wedding anniversary is in a few days and I know that WH is working on some grand handmade gift that I don't know how to deal with, especially considering he doesn't know that I'm consulting a lawyer and planning to file.

I have read the fear vs reality thread, and I think I can say that my biggest concerns are mostly financial and ending up lonely and alone. But I'm also anxious because I know that as soon as I file, WH is going to begin ramping up the bad behavior. I'm told that unless he threatens or injures me physically, that there is little chance that he can be removed from the home. On my salary, I literally can't afford anything safe or decent in this town. He can, but he refuses to leave (I've tried before). I have pets that I care about that I would be unable to take with me. All of this starts to mess with my head and I end up going down the rabbit hole.

I always feel like I sound like a hot mess when I post here. I guess it's usually because that's the only time I post, when life gets overwhelming and there's no one here to turn to. I have made a pretty good effort at trying to build a friend network irl, but I'm an introvert and a pretty private person by nature. I can talk to them about fairly superficial stuff, and sometimes that's enough. But I miss having someone who I can call when I'm freaking out and just need reassurance.

I appreciate the anonymous nature of this board and the fact that it's very supportive, because it allows me to say things that I can't say to anyone I really know. I'm sorry that I always seem to come across as needy. This is literally the only place in my life that it happens. In real life, I'm the problem solver, the listener, the support person. I just don't have anyone that I can ask that of. I used to feel like it was safe to confide in WH. It hurt a lot to lose that.

You are not needy. You are human and dealing with the trauma your WS has subjected you to.

I get the environmental triggers— my house burned down in a wildfire during the aftermath of D-Day and smelling smoke still gets me. I have to stop and really think about is it a barbecue or chiminea or another wildfire. Try some grounding/meditation/mindfulness exercises to help you work through those. They suck.

Many folks have had the financial fears and have had to do with less - but they seem to universally say it was worth it once they get away from the anxiety,pain, and fear their WS instilled in them. It takes time to get used to not having that— we humans like familiar, even if it is unhealthy - but once you get over that hump you realize how perfectly lovely peace is.

And as for alone, well we’ll all see. I had never lived alone before in my life and now I am really comfortable with it. Take it one day at a time. You can do this.

IP, when we're scared and distraught, it's easy to think that we're stuck, helpless, and have no one when that couldn't be further from the truth. There IS an end in sight - when the judge signs off on the papers. It's not forever and the only one insisting that you will be alone is yourself when in reality, people get remarried all the time. People date and have fulfilling relationships after D all the time. Even if they don't end in marriage. People move on to better relationships with friends, family, acquaintances, and their wider communities even without a romantic partner. YOU have ALL of the control when it comes to the kind of life you can have outside of your STBX so don't let fear and desperation talk you back into miserable complacency.

Name 3 people closest to you who are not your STBX. Parents, adult children, extended family members, a friend you've spoken to in the last two years. Do you go to church? Speak with your pastor/bishop/religious leader. And if all else fails, keep posting here. Get an IC. They're paid to listen.

I have a feeling that you are not an orphaned recluse with 0 friends and family. When you stop for a second and think, you can name names and options. Even if you are a friendless orphan, you STILL have options. Divorcecare, religious institutions, community groups, etc. And DON'T pigeonhole yourself by saying, "Oh, I don't want to bother them." They love you. They care. THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR. They hope that you would reach out to them if you needed help and they would feel terrible to know that you decided to suffer alone rather than call them. Even the ones comprised of people you have not met yet. So please, make at minimum ONE phone call to someone in your circle TODAY.

There's nothing needy at all about your posts.

There is chaos in your world and you cannot control it. But you can control how you respond to it.

I guarantee once you sign the retainer and at least your copy of the divorce agreement a weight will be lifted. You will feel as if you are gaining control of your life.

Yes, he's going to flail about, making all sorts of overtures, and stomp his feet like a little child.

But he created this mess. You are not obliged at all to accept it in order to appease him.

Once your head space is no longer filled with him, life will simply be peaceful. It may not be totally stress-free. But at least you won't be wondering when the next dagger will be driven into your back.

You're going to be just fine.

I signed it and submitted it. Still have to actually transmit the payment for the retainer. I feel nauseous, but it's done. Now to try and get some sleep.

Good. It's scary, but you know that this is the right thing to do for your sanity.

He' a polygamist now, huh? I'm mildly curious how his AP will act when he starts 'loving' other women. After all, she must already understand what she is getting herself into.....

Thank you all for the support. An update - I retained a lawyer and she is filing this coming week.

I have a question regarding finances. WH has a history of difficulty staying with a job. He is in a highly paid field and currently makes 2 1/2 times what I make in salary, but this morning he announced that he is "unhappy" with his job and wants to quit so he can "retire" (we're both 60). He has said this so many times over the past year that I can't tell if he's serious or not, but I have to assume he is. Given the fact that his 3 years at this job is the longest he's been able to stay in one place for over a decade (and he was "laid off" five times in that decade), I worry that he will find himself laid off again due to his attitude with his superiors (something I am sure contributed to previous job losses).

If he quits the job and his high salary, how would that impact a judgment for alimony (I am requesting funds to make up the salary difference) versus if he is laid off? Would his work history work in his favor for not anticipating that he would be able to find comparable work? Would his quitting mean that I am less likely to be awarded the amount I am asking for?

I'm still struggling with panic over going it alone.

If he quits the job and his high salary, how would that impact a judgment for alimony (I am requesting funds to make up the salary difference) versus if he is laid off? Would his work history work in his favor for not anticipating that he would be able to find comparable work? Would his quitting mean that I am less likely to be awarded the amount I am asking for?

That's an attorney question. Too much variance between states and judges discretion might come into play.

Getting divorced has not been easy.

Having said that-

"Easy" was literally killing me, mind, body, and soul.

I have relearned how to actually live again in the last 8 months.

It has been like being born again- fucking painful, full of mistakes, pain, and near-death experiences, and yet an awe-inspiring and educational experience. I did cry and throw up a lot.

My STBX "lost" her job at a very convenient time and my alimony hopes were crushed- but i gained the strength to grow new hopes and dreams, ones that don't involve the soul-killing succubus in any way.

You will not get there in a week or two, it will take many difficult months or years, but you are definitely capable of it, that i can promise you. I was sure that i was not able to do it, but kicking and screaming the whole way i have just barely arrived, covered in blood, mud, and amniotic fluid.

And yet here I am. Strong, sparkly, and a goddamn motherfucking unicorn. Who is and always was awesome, regardless of if a lying, cheating, fake-ass fraud knows that or not.

I hope i don't offend with the language, but i really don't know any other way to express where i am at. I hope that you can find your way back to your BASGU (badass sparkly goddess unicorn) and reclaim the life you gave to an undeserving, pathetic, shameful loser.

It really is a lot better, especially when you can see past the insignificant details (i was so much richer, lived in a better house, had a better car, better vacations, blah blah blah) and can focus on what really matters (I can spend undivided and high quality time with my children/loved ones, i can relax in peace, i don't have to deal with being lied to daily, my finances are all my own, etc.)

I highly recommend it. Not because it is easy, but because it is a way to stop dying inside, and start living.

Divorced and alone sounds bad. It is not. Especially when compared to the (literal) flaming sulfurous hell of being shackled to an evil piece of crap cheater. It's pretty amazing actually. Kind of a beautiful peaceful Zen garden of peace and amazingness. I quite like it.

Think positive.

Divorced. Is that terrible? It might be empowering that you had the guts to get out snd move forward.

Alone. Really - it’s in only negative in your head b/c alone can bring peace and calm. And new opportunities.

Sad. Maybe your sadness will be temporary b/c you will not have a 200lb lying cheating idiot hanging around. And negatively impacting your life.

You will survive this. You will heal. You will thrive.

You just don’t know it yet.

Read SheHawk post in the New Beginnings forum here - walked away from an abusive relationship and is happy!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:13 AM, February 27th (Saturday)]

Does he know what’s coming?

grubs: I know that you're right. No one here can give me exact advice on financial and legal matters. I guess I'm just obsessing over things that haven't happened yet.

99problems & 1stWife: I appreciate the encouragement and the reminder that this, too, shall pass. My brain knows that I need to get out of the current situation before I can really see clearly ahead. But some days I'm just blinded by sheer panic.

Countingsheep: No, he doesn't know that I have retained a lawyer and filed, and I want to keep it that way until he is served. I've mentioned before that he can be either physically aggressive or suicidal, depending on the day, when confronted with evidence of his cheating & lying, or my pulling away. I also don't trust that he wouldn't try something desperate with finances if he had advance warning. I mean, I know that eventually it would probably get sorted out, but in the meantime I would be very financially strapped, especially if I have to move out of the house. I've had a safety plan in place all along, but for this I also have to have a checklist of things to take care of the day he is served, such as removing my name from joint credit cards, moving my paycheck direct deposit to my own bank account, transferring half of our checking and savings over, putting a lock on my bedroom door, etc. These are the things that have caused me nightmares because I'm so afraid of forgetting something important and screwing up.