SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The person who goes so slow in her relationship that I get questioned by friends "what's wrong with him, he seems perfect"....yeah, he pretty much is a gem, but I don't want to rush or even speedwalk. I'm still with the same gentleman that is friends with my brother that I've known since I was old enough to ride a bicycle. He's still calm, wonderful, leaves his phone not locked and randomly wherever it drops, his computer is open, and he's great with my kids. Ex is still ex

Is something wrong with me that I don't feel the need to move forward quicker than we are moving? Guy says my pace is fine, he gets it. No pressure, just us being us. We are together basically every night. He keeps his place, but I think only his adult child has slept there since.....I don't know when. He said he will sell when I say I am keeping him. Until that day, we chug along. Why am I terrified to actually take a bigger leap?

[This message edited by deena04 at 6:23 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by deena04 at 12:23 AM, Thursday, February 4th]

Hey deena!

Well...I come from the hard-earned place at my age that says we get to define what our relationships are between the participants.

So what does a "bigger leap" mean exactly?

Do you mean with your heart? Or with logistics?

I know people who have wonderful years-long arrangements that don't include residing in the same space. I know people who live together who aren't married and don't share finances. I also know a married couple who owns houses next to each other.

And we all know people who are married who have taken "all the leaps" and are miserable.

I mean...it took me a long time to get to a place of such broad options that have nothing to do with that good commitment-of-the-heart stuff. My Mom was raised in a generation that if dating wasn't leading to courting, then your only option was pretty much to move along.

So...to shut out the friends' noise (which probably just comes from a place of wanting all good things for you)...do you feel like anything is "wrong?"

Or is it maybe just some "should" stuff bouncing around in there?

You don't say how long you've been dating but either way it sounds like a pretty sweet set up to me. If you're both happy why rock the boat?

It has been a couple years, so nothing crazy long, but I’m starting to get asked by friends about the long-term. I’m ok with exactly what I have right now. I don’t think I’ll ever marry again. Friends laugh at that one since I’m in my 40’s and more middle aged than later aged. It’s just where I’ve come from and what I am willing to deal with.

[This message edited by deena04 at 11:20 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

If it makes you feel better, SO and I are coming up on 8 years. We live on the same street, three houses apart. I have zero interest in living together or marrying. If I ever get all the people out of my house, I want to live alone for a while, if not forever. I never have and it's important to me to do so. I've told him this and he is totally on board.

Your relationship can look however you want it to.

but I’m starting to get asked by friends about the long-term. I’m ok with exactly what I have right now. I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.

Maybe your answer is this IS long-term for you. You are in a committed relationship with a wonderful man.

Maybe you will decide this is what you want. Even though he is basically living there - there is always the back-up of his house. My mom's husband kept his house (then ended up renting it out ultimately) for decades before she was comfortable selling it. Others sell that house but the deal is that money goes right into savings so no one ever feels stuck. Even if they are in it for the long haul...just knowing that soothes their anxiety.

I am with you. I see no reason to remarry again. Me and SO are in a mono, committed relationship for the long haul.

Don't let anyone pressure you! If you and your BF are good with this, what is it to them?

Sooo lemme see if I got this... You're in a relationship that you enjoy with a good guy. Said guy enjoys you too and you and he and kids are all happy with the way things are yes? Does that sum it up?

If that's a yes, then why on earth would you change anything right now?

As for your 'friends'... wow, they don't sound very supportive. They see you happy and still try to make you feel defective about it? Yeah, I'd be telling them they can either get on board with supporting you or they can leave. Also I'd tell them to mind their own side of the street and stop looking for garbage on your side.

It's scary because the majority of us on this site DID take the "all in" plunge and, well, here we are.

I am in my mid-40s with 2 teens and my youngest will be an adult in less than 4 yrs. It's been just us for the past 7 yrs. I have zero interest in cohabitating with anyone else's children or blending families with my own. We've been through enough.

I've had a few relationships where my views of no cohabitating made them move on from me. And I'm just fine with that.

I'm now dating a wonderful man on the same page as me. His children are a few years younger than mine so he will have kids at home far longer than I will. He understands that our relationship will be under 2 roofs for the next decade or so and he's just fine with that.

Personally, I give zero fucks about what anyone else thinks of how I conduct my relationships. For any friends that tell you stuff like that, offer them up the chance to go ahead and date them instead lol.

Deena - There is nothing wrong with you other than the trauma you sustained with your X.

If your Man is happy with the situation, then F everyone else and their opinion. Seriously. It's between you and him and NO ONE else matters.

Enjoy your current situation, and enjoy your life.

Personally I would NEVER EVER EVER get married again. Just no.

You do what works for you.

Period.

@wildbananas:

I never have and it's important to me to do so.

That's me! I went from living with parents to living with xWH. When we D'd I had three little ones living with me full time. Youngest DD will be flying the coop in a few months, two older kiddos are on their own already. It's important to me to live on my own, even if for a little while, before taking the next step of living with SO. I wanted to buy my own home but with DD2's graduation and a potential for DD1 to get married that's where my dollars are going. I have a lot of CC debt that I'm slowly working on, but a house may never happen for me. Still, I'd like to be alone just to know that I can do it.

@deena04:

It works for you right now, and that's all you need to tell anyone if they ask. I'm in the same boat (been with SO a little longer) and things work the way they are right now. It may change in a year, it may not. But if you're both good with what you have, I don't think you need to worry about it.

I think your situation sounds lovely. There is no reason to add any pressure or expectations to it.

I would just tell my friends there is nothing wrong and we are both very happy.

I sure enjoyed the responses to this post, helps me with my own feelings of not wanting to get married or co-habitate with another again. I enjoy my freedom without any complications right now. I also do not want to compromise with another person either, maybe when the right person comes along I will change my mind. So far even dating is off the list for me I can't even do that

You get to do whatever YOU want.

Why am I terrified to actually take a bigger leap?

This is a stupid question, but I mean that in the nicest way possible. Who cares why? If you don't want to take the leap, then don't.

Deena04, he’s already sleeping at yours most nights, and he’s happy with the arrangement. If he’s not putting pressure on you, why should you put pressure on yourself? You do what works for you, nobody else.

You can see from this thread (and others!) that a lot of us wouldn’t dream of cohabiting, sharing our newly found space, sacrificing our hard earned freedom. That doesn’t mean we have given up on love or finding the one. It just means that we have adjusted our expectations, and needs, based on all that we have learned, and become.

If and when you are ready to go ‘all in’, you’ll just know it. It will feel right. Stressing about it won’t make it any quicker.

There are no rules that say you have to co-habitate after X amount of time. None.

If you're happy with the arrangement, keep it.

My SO of nearly 11 years and I don't cohabitate.

Cat

it sounds like a pretty sweet set up to me. If you're both happy why rock the boat?

Thanks all. I think I pressure myself from society"norms" and that's where the friends are coming from. My closest friends get me and have no problem with my arrangement. It's more the other friends/people I have known forever or through work or whatever that ask, in a well-meaning fashion I am sure, when we will cement it or what is next. I notice my breathing increase ten fold when the M word comes up, so I try not to go there. It's yet another reason my ex is my EX and not my NOW. We are content with our NOW and it's lovely.

[This message edited by deena04 at 6:28 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

I like living with my boyfriend, other than feeling like the house is a bit small for all of us. But Lord have mercy why would I want to get married? Neither of us has any interest in that.

I am quite shocked that people say something to you! I've been with my SO for over 5 years and we both live alone about 20 min away from each other. No one has ever asked if we plan to get married or move in together, at least as far as I can recall. I've had conversations with my closest friends about it, but from people who are acquaintances or friends in an outer circle? Never! Don't let them or societal norms make you feel like there is something wrong with you! Geeze - some people just apparently want to stir up trouble :(