sleepylove, I don't see it as a cruelty in any way. Those terms were talked about and agreed upon on both sides. My wife wants to stay together and I want that too, to be honest, but there are some steps that need to be taken if we want to move forward. We spoke a lot about our "old" marriage and it's hidden problems and all that. I made sure she knows and understands why this is important to me and she's on board. I asked her straight if she is sure she want to do it and she told me she doesn't care what our status or what you want to call it is, what matters is that I am not cutting her out even though I would be fully in my right to do so (her words). So no, I am not cruel towards her in any way.
My only advice to you is that you take some time for YOURSELF. 3 months, 6 months, however long you need to heal. At that time, if you want to start seeing your STBXWW again, go for it. Right now, you are still dealing with the trauma and emotions of the A, and soon, D.
You know yourself best, and I expect you will make the decision you think works best for you. If you feel confident it is the best way to go, so be it. I suggest you don't rush yourself in ANY direction.
I already am taking a lot of time for myself. I have never before spent so much time alone. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Maybe hate it a little more, but I guess it's expected since we got together pretty young and all. We plan on seeing each other (alone) once a week. Other that that, who knows.
We are not rushing anywhere. Yes, the divorce papers are signed and all we have to do is put them in an envelope and put them in a mail but we will get there when we get there.
Only thing I would add is the work she absolutely needs to do in order to become a safe partner again. To me that means working on boundaries and understanding of how her actions affect others, especially her partner and children.
Reading “Not Just friends” should be hi on that list of work. And her efforts in IC should include this topic as well.
This will be necessary whether you end up together or not.
She's already working on that. But I am not sure she will ever know the WHY. There were probably many little reasons which when met with kind of person SH is led to all this mess. But we will see.
I like your plan, although if you aren't able to find someone else if you want to, basically it's a separation. I am not saying you want to see what's out there, or that you should if you are still "dating", but your wife already availed herself of that option without telling you.
You should have your options too, whether or not you want to explore them. While your wife/ex-wife does not have that option if she wants the possibility of getting back together with you.
Is it fair? Some might say no. I think it is fair. What is unfair was when she decided to play around with Mr. Super Cheater.
Any kind of look for what's there won't happen. We both are pretty focused on us now. That was actually one of my first question I asked her - Do you want out? The answer is still hard no.
5) Honesty, even if it hurts. No lies or pretending either.
I am not sure how you plan to enforce that. Good luck with that one.
I am not enforcing anything. Later she told me she lied because she wanted to protect me. It's stupid and damaging concept. To hell with it.
Yes. And to me, the beginning of that is her telling THE WHOLE TRUTH - which I think she will take to her grave if you don't force it out of her.
You mean I don't know the whole truth now? That she's still lying either directly or by omission?
The fact that the MIL was borderline abusive post Dday lines up with some other WWs tales. I'd make sure the IC knows about that incident.
She already knows. But it was an interesting to see her this way. I have known she is very no-nonsence lady, but I always thought they had a great relationship. But I guess I didn't know them as good as I thought.
Sometimes it's not easy to not hate my wife.
I'm not convinced you don't.
Do I hate what she did? Absolutely. But do I hate her? Absolutely not. There was some hate at the beginning, but that pretty fast turned into a deep feeling of disappointment. Whis is million times worse.
MrF, it makes perfect sense to me. It liberated me from the dead M and allowed me to take time and make decisions without the weight of the M that she had killed. I did not have to rebuild something dead, we were able to create something new.
Exactly my thought process.
Mr Flibble - out of curiosity, what country are you guys from (I am assuming you and your wife are from the same country)?
Central Europe and yes, we are both from the same county. Won't be more specific than that. Take it or leave it 
And a question to wrap this up.
I have a slight chance of ruining SH's new job offer. I know where he starts next month (lol for the way how I got this info) and since I have worked for many banks and corporations in our common field I know a lot of people there. The only downfall of this is the fact that he won't know it was me because it might get some people in trouble. So.. secret revenge, yay or nay?
