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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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WalkingHome posted 4/15/2021 16:10 PM

She is bluffing.

Or...she is gaming it and researched how to cheat it.

GoldenR posted 4/15/2021 17:22 PM

Edit: sincere apologies for encouraging guidelines to be ignored.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:17 AM, April 17th (Saturday)]

Buffer posted 4/15/2021 18:37 PM

I believe the PM was just from a perspective of a person who feels your WW messed up and deserves R as she is now out of the unicorn fart land. But to insinuate that you are too attached to FWW to let yourself move on; well they don’t understand you.

Also just a note the question about after the polygraph. She is hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is not the dissolve of her family. Remember she has just been told her father is in a loosing battle with cancer. Her thought process is coming from many different sides. Unfortunately the end result is her loss of family and her parent. She is hoping just trying to hang on.

paboy posted 4/15/2021 21:57 PM

Yep, unfortunately she is going to be going through a lot of hurt.

This year is going to remembered for a lot of hurt for both of you.

Just feeling for you, and your WW.

RocketRaccoon posted 4/15/2021 22:58 PM

WTH is wrong with some people.

Don't let that rankle you. It is a viewpoint of either a misandrist or an apologist.

Either way, you hang in there. The actions that you have taken are good for YOU (which is the most important thing at the moment), and they are in no way abusive, so all is good.

On the topic of a polygraph, take you time on crafting the questions. Focus on what are the most important things that you would like to be answered (e.g. did she have any other affairs?).

On another note, if you do decide to R, it is not considered cowardly nor being a wimp/doormat/ etc if you reach a point where you think that you can actually R with your WS. It is all up to YOU, on what YOU need, what will make YOU happy and at peace. If you decide to D to make you more at peace with yourself, then so be it. Same goes for R.

(Edited for a bit more clarity.)

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 12:21 AM, April 16th (Friday)]

MrFlibble posted 4/16/2021 03:03 AM

I didn't realize putting together the questions will be such a trigger. I thought I was doing better but I just couldn't sleep last night. I went for a swim at 3 am and it's like it all came back, all the ifs and pictures of them together. I was so angry I almost woke her up in the middle of a night to shout at her and tell her I don't care about this stupid poly or anything, that it's just over and I don't want to see her cheating, lying face one more time in my life. But she was asleep with our daughter in her arms and that was a huge deflating slap in my face. I don't understand how she could do this to us

sorry for a rant but I had to get it out

RocketRaccoon posted 4/16/2021 03:46 AM

Mr. F,

Take a deep breath.

We hear you, and you are not alone.

MrFlibble posted 4/16/2021 03:51 AM

She is bluffing.

Or...she is gaming it and researched how to cheat it.

Can one do that? Cheat at a polygraph I mean.

Publicly name who that PM was from.

Sorry, but I won't do that. Don't see the point

guvensiz posted 4/16/2021 03:57 AM

This is sad. But it is normal to have such ups and downs.
Patience, there is not much time left for the poly test. It doesn't matter whether it won't change the result or not, you will find the answers to the questions in your mind and you will have a more stabil mood.

Sceadugenga posted 4/16/2021 04:38 AM

Can one do that? Cheat at a polygraph I mean.

Theoretically yes but the implications are scary to say the least. Polygraph tests are based on the premise that a deliberate lie is an uncomfortable and stress-inducing situation to which a healthy individual will react by displaying typical physical symptoms associated with stress, such as heightened pulse, increased blood pressure, elevated perspiration rate and accelerated breathing. That said, there are two theoretical scenarios when these symptoms don't show:

1) The person doesn't feel shame or discomfort when lying and thus are completely immune to stress and the associated bodily reactions. This is something you would expect in a psychopath (medically classified as a pwAPD - a person with Anti-social Personality Disorder). Scary.

2) The person fully believes in the truthfulness of their words. Which, in turn, implies that they are delusional or otherwise personality-disordered. Equally scary.

Buffer posted 4/16/2021 04:43 AM

Brother just breath. This shit sandwich has to be eaten
You are doing well.
One day at a time.

MrFlibble posted 4/16/2021 05:26 AM

Yep, unfortunately she is going to be going through a lot of hurt.
I know she is, I have no doubt about that. I found out last week she's on Xanax since the end of February. She didn't tell me because she was ashamed, I found an empty box in a trash can.

Kids are going to my parents this weekend and I am going out with my friends. Should be fun

grubs posted 4/16/2021 05:49 AM

With her being on Xanax it raises the possibility that the results will be inconclusive regardless whether she speaks the truth. It's an anti anxiety drug which will dampen the reactions on which the test depends. Makes her less likely to pass telling the truth and less likely to fail if she's not. Testing company should know, but they'll likely pick up on it with the control questions which is why the test might end up inconclusive. Puts me now at 33/33/34 for her passing, failing, or inconclusive.

You've stacked triggers now. Seeing AP, the turmoil of FIL's health and it's emotional impact on your family, stbexww sleeping in your bed the one night, the ld questions, and the upcoming divorce date. One step in front of the other. Keep walking your path. This too shall pass.

MrFlibble posted 4/16/2021 06:47 AM

She got a questionare already and they know she's on Xanax. She's allowed to take the last pill on Sunday or the test will be deemed inconclusive. It should be enough time for it to wear off.

smolderingdark posted 4/16/2021 06:51 AM

Nice PM from whoever. Either they are a cheater like your wife or as another has advised a white knight/fool. No others will so blindly defend the actions of a a wayward even with volumes of evidence.

W somehow found out some of my friends are trying to set me up with this one girl and she went mental.

That is a shit deal but it is the one your wife took when she decided to stray. She has no claim on you. She went mental because it is another reminder her secret is out and she has no control over the situation.

she asked me today if I will take her back when (not if!) she passes the poly.

Always striving for some measure of control. Polygraphs can be fooled. Can your wife fool the test? She feared it enough to confess additional details the first time. Who knows. Were I you I would assume she can fool it. Why else would she offer to take it more than once? Your wife is pursing this polygraph with a purpose in mind and it is not transparency. Even if she passes remember that her actions have already shown you who she is and what she is capable of.

You discovered your wife's affair, she did not come to you and confess.

Your wife lied to you and continued to do so throughout your initial false reconciliation.

You wife subtly or not so subtly has tried to rug sweep her affair and keep you invested in the marriage.

The polygraph results should not be the deciding factor for you. Her actions should decide for you. She betrayed you for another man regardless of how far that may or may not have gone. A broken trust will always be broken.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 6:53 AM, April 16th (Friday)]

Bigger posted 4/16/2021 06:55 AM

Keep in mind that a polygraph does not give you the truth.
It gives you whether the person questioned is being honest or not.
If I truly believed 1+1=3 I would pass a poly question “is one plus one three” with a yes.
This is why it can make sense to add in a question you already know the correct answer to.

grubs posted 4/16/2021 07:33 AM

This is why it can make sense to add in a question you already know the correct answer to.

The test taker usually does this. The test itself will be questions that are known to be true, questions that are known to be false, and the questions you want to know if she's being truthful. Each question from all those groups is asked 3-4 times in random order. The reactions to the unknown questions are compared to those of the two control groups.
That doesn't keep people who truly believe untruths like the earth is flat from passing on falsehoods or sociopaths that have no qualms about lying from passing on false answers. It should catch most though.
Good to know that they are prepared for the Xanax. Just curious do they draw blood to test for it?

[This message edited by grubs at 7:37 AM, April 16th (Friday)]

SI Staff posted 4/16/2021 08:09 AM

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MrFlibble posted 4/16/2021 08:11 AM

Yes, they offered a blood test (there is a lab not far from their office) but I am still on a fence on that. The guy told me the threat of it should be enough but it's ultimately on us. I will have all her remaining pills on me since Sunday, but she can easily hide some and take them secretly since I have no idea how much she had already took

fooled13years posted 4/16/2021 08:28 AM

I've not experienced it myself but have read on here that some people going for a poly end up doing a "parking lot confession" just before going in for the test.

You might consider preparing yourself mentally and emotionally should this happen to you.

I am sorry that you are experiencing mind movies while trying to prepare the questions for the polygraph test.

Should you find it helpful you might consider asking those on here that have experience with preparing polygraph questions if they have any suggestions.

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