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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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DIFM posted 3/25/2021 10:07 AM

I, for one, am glad to hear you saying that the D is inevitable. Think it is the absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself, and even for the possibility of a real chance at R. I will say what I have said before, D does NOT inherently end a relationship with the WS. It ONLY means the legal quagmire is over, the phony ball and chain promises are acknowledged as having been ended by the WS, but it does not necessarily eliminate the possibility of real R.

I would say stay the course, and be open to R when the legal ball and chains are eliminated.

guvensiz posted 3/25/2021 14:21 PM

One thing I realized last night is that I hope I didn't shot myself in my own leg, because I didn't realize that he just lost his job in a city few hours away and he just might come back here to live off his parents again. I doubt he will try to contact my W again, but I will have to be on a lookout

This is possible, but I don't think it's very likely. But it's not that I thought your wife got fixed and would never cheat again, but because SH was a pure loser. Women don't find losers attractive. Maybe if you divorce SH will step in for a while, but I don't think this will be permanent either.

Txquail posted 3/25/2021 15:33 PM

One thing I realized last night is that I hope I didn't shot myself in my own leg, because I didn't realize that he just lost his job in a city few hours away and he just might come back here to live off his parents again. I doubt he will try to contact my W again, but I will have to be on a lookout

You have to keep the perspective, once you divorce, this isn't your problem anymore.

Its always a possibility. It could still be happening now. She had a burner phone before, she could have one right now.

MrFlibble posted 3/26/2021 15:07 PM

I had the talk with FIL. I expected it to be awkward at best, but what he had to say was simply devastating. He has been feeling short of breath for a few months, didn't want to go to a doctor (why bother), but it was getting progressively worse so he finally went early last week, got some tests and screenings done and it turned out he has a lung cancer. It's beyond treatable now and they give him a few months at best. Nobody knows yet, he hasn't told anyone, not even MIL. She thinks he's still waiting for results. I am the first person he told.

He straight asked me if I would consider postponing everything and taking care of MIL and my wife during and after he is gone. We never had any kind of close relationship, we have always been polite to each, we respect each other but we never really connected on any level. He told me to think about it and asked me to bring us all on Sunday because he wants to tell everybody at the same time.

I don't know what to do, I am at a loss for words. I have no idea how I will keep it togeher until Sunday. I have no idea what to do or what to say. I thought venting here might help because I have no one else to share this till Sunday

BlueRaspberry posted 3/26/2021 15:16 PM

MrFlibble,

What does "postponing everything" mean? Does that mean not having your wife move out to a separate apartment? Not finalizing the divorce in the next 1-2 months? Not moving forward with the polygraph?

I don't see why you can't move forward with the separation and divorce in a respectful way but also support your MIL and wife in their grief.

This0is0Fine posted 3/26/2021 15:21 PM

MIL and FIL can be totally innocent in this. They are not your problem.

It sucks. It sucks massively, and it hurts. And you *can* do something about it, but you don't have to. You don't donate all of your disposable income to save starving children around the globe because they aren't your problem.

I might sound cold, and horrible, and all those other things. They aren't your problem. Your STBXWW isn't your problem and your STBX-in-laws are not your problem.

HellFire posted 3/26/2021 15:22 PM

I don't see why you can't move forward with the separation and divorce in a respectful way but also support your MIL and wife in their grief.

Exactly.

Putting it off just keeps you stuck,and gives your wife false hope.

Txquail posted 3/26/2021 15:24 PM

I had the talk with FIL. I expected it to be awkward at best, but what he had to say was simply devastating. He has been feeling short of breath for a few months, didn't want to go to a doctor (why bother), but it was getting progressively worse so he finally went early last week, got some tests and screenings done and it turned out he has a lung cancer. It's beyond treatable now and they give him a few months at best. Nobody knows yet, he hasn't told anyone, not even MIL. She thinks he's still waiting for results. I am the first person he told.

He straight asked me if I would consider postponing everything and taking care of MIL and my wife during and after he is gone. We never had any kind of close relationship, we have always been polite to each, we respect each other but we never really connected on any level. He told me to think about it and asked me to bring us all on Sunday because he wants to tell everybody at the same time.

I don't know what to do, I am at a loss for words. I have no idea how I will keep it togeher until Sunday. I have no idea what to do or what to say. I thought venting here might help because I have no one else to share this till Sunday

Mr. F - Honestly I'd tell him "Sir, as much as I respect you, I cannot take care of your daughter. We are divorcing because of issues that I cannot support or forgive. I ask for your understanding that I cannot take care of someone who has deeply hurt me. I will out of curtsy check in on your wife from time to time, but I need time to get my life together. I'm truly sorry I cannot honor the request you are giving me."

Do NOT be guilted into taking care of your WW because her father is dying. I know the situation sucks, but it is what it is.

You would always feel that you've been guilt tripped into doing it.

It was like my EX-FIL asked me to reconsider the divorce with my first wife. I told him, "Sir, out of great respect for you and me, I cannot do that as the wounds created by actions beyond my control has made it impossible for me to continue with this marriage"

WalkingHome posted 3/26/2021 16:16 PM

The man is going to die. Do him a solid. One of these days, you are going to need a major favor and you will have to ask a man who has every right to tell you no...pay it forward and tell him yes.


It sucks. I am not saying you owe it to anyone...but it is in your power to grant him peace in his last days and he didn't cheat on you. Give the man his peace. Once he is gone, handle your business.


Txquail posted 3/26/2021 16:22 PM

The man is going to die. Do him a solid. One of these days, you are going to need a major favor and you will have to ask a man who has every right to tell you no...pay it forward and tell him yes.


It sucks. I am not saying you owe it to anyone...but it is in your power to grant him peace in his last days and he didn't cheat on you. Give the man his peace. Once he is gone, handle your business.

Hate to disagree, but NO.

You'll be disrespecting the FIL if you lie to him.

I have more respect to people who are honest to me than people who lie to me.

At least the FIL will know you honor your word if you say NO and tell him why.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/26/2021 16:23 PM

You are "lucky" that he gave you a heads up on his condition, it would be worse if you learned of it on Sunday with the others. This way you have some time to decide how to deal with this curve ball.
In a good relationship you would obviously step up to help out the MIL and your W. But she kind of messed that up.
Like it or not your MIL and WW will be very distraught and looking for a steady hand, unfortunately that is you. You've been a good SIL for more than 10 years.
I would not say yes I will help MIL and STBXWW forever and ever but I would step up to help your FIL and MIL through this until FIL passes and then move on if that is your plan.

Is there no other family member on her side to take up the temporary role of pater familias? As someone with what seems like a level head you probably can help them navigate the hospitals, hospice, funeral, estate better than MIL or WW...
I would look at it as a gift, not to WW but to the FIL And MIL and showing your kids what a stand up guy does, even when treated badly.
But I am an old softy...

Good luck

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 4:27 PM, March 26th (Friday)]

Justsomeguy posted 3/26/2021 16:27 PM

Hey Fibs! Wow, that is some crappy news. I'm still processing my thoughts on this, but I will say this. Responsibility follows the bullet. After Dday#1, I worked hard on my marriage, trying desperately to save it as It thought we were just in a rough spot. I was amazing and my WW and I got along great. Date nights, acts of kindness, lots of sex. Little did I know, she had started her A much earlier, and I had no idea. It's like an artillery round. Once it is fired, it is fired. The target has no idea what is on it's way and there is nothing anyone can do to stop the damage.

Despite all the work I was doing to fix my marriage, my STBXWW had already called in a mission onto our position. The shells were on their way to reek devastation and there was nothing she could do to fix it.

Your FIL's illness and the difficulties that will follow, are a tough, but endurable road for a healthy, intact family... one in which the members honour and support each other. But, your WW chose to destroy that system of support unilaterally. She may not have understood the deep and lasting ramifications of her decision, but she did understand that it was very, very wrong.

In choosing to do what she did she also accepted all the consequences of her choice, both foreseen and unforeseen. What your FIL is asking is based on the desire of a good man to ensure his loved ones are cared for in a time of need. Ideally, as a husband, you should step up, but you have been fired from that position by your WW. Any fallout from this is her's to bear, not yours.

People will try to leverage your goodness for their own ends, so prepare yourself. Remember, any leverage they use could also have been considered by your WW prior to her A in order to dissuade her from engaging in it. Funny how family become so very valuable only after Dday and not before.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 10:48 AM, March 27th (Saturday)]

This0is0Fine posted 3/26/2021 16:29 PM

Justsomeguy, you put that much better than me. Great post.

guvensiz posted 3/26/2021 16:43 PM

Did he explain what exactly involves to take care of them, and for how long it will continue after he is gone?

Really difficult situation. But this shouldn't stop you from what you have to do.
I think, after your FIL explained his illness to everyone, you should talk to your wife (in a very human way) about his wish and you can't postpone anything, but her father shouldn't know about it. Poly test and some legal procedures can be carried out without his knowledge, if no one tells him.

Was it a very cold blood suggestion? I don't want to look that way, but you have no role in any of what happened, neither in your marriage, nor in FIL's illness. You are the victim and are asked to continue this for a while that you don't know. You have the right not to admit it, and if you don't, you can't be accused.

Edit : I'm not saying you shouldn't support them. You can also do this by simply continuing to do what you have to do.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 4:49 PM, March 26th (Friday)]

ChamomileTea posted 3/26/2021 16:44 PM

Subterfuge is wrong. It was wrong when your WW chose to engage in an EA, and it would be wrong now if you tell that dying man you're going to be there for his wife and daughter. He's facing his death. He needs to make sure that his estate is settled and that his loved ones are truly cared for when he's gone. Right now, he's still healthy enough to make alternative arrangements.

My own father died of lung cancer, so did his father. It's not an easy death and it's horrible to watch. If you can't be there, REALLY there, it's only right to tell him so that he can do the appropriate planning. Maybe he's got some other family members he can call on, maybe he'll put his arrangements in the hands of an attorney, maybe he'll need to coach MIL and daughter to get through it on their own, but he needs to know where he stands, right? I wouldn't wait until Sunday to tell him.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 3/26/2021 17:36 PM

Nevermind...my mistake!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:17 PM, March 26th (Friday)]

ChamomileTea posted 3/26/2021 18:09 PM

I think stepping up to help just until the FIL has passed or making behind the scenes agreements with the STBX which he's not told about would qualify as subterfuge, and yes.. I have seen those things suggested. If the intent is only to help out until the funeral, FIL should be told exactly that. There should be nothing kept secret from him because he needs to make end of life plans. Any data provided to him needs to reflect the REAL situation. It's not just a matter of comforting a dying man. There's financial, medical, and legacy planning he needs to accomplish before he goes.

faithfulman posted 3/26/2021 18:21 PM

Mr Flibble:

I'm very sorry about your Father-In-Law's diagnosis. It's extremely sad.

1) This was an unfair ask. It's your wife who needs to bear the burden that your Father-In-Law is placing upon you.

2) What is your Father-In-Law really asking for? For you to wait until he is dead and then just drop a divorce on your wife? That seems cruel, and don't see how that is any better for her or your Mother-In-law. It's probably not quite as bad for him.

3) You can divorce or be in the process of divorce and "Be there" for your family, and your ex-wife, and to a certain degree, your Mother-In-law - whatever "Be there" means. I assume "Be there" means different things to everybody who is commenting. It certainly should not mean living the same married life that your wife destroyed - sleeping in the same bed, physical intimacy, trust, etc.

4) Don't let anyone use this or any other situations, tragic or not, as a means to manipulate you.


grubs posted 3/26/2021 18:22 PM

Holy hell. Things just get better and better don't they. I get what the FIL is doing. He's trying to make sure his family will be ok after he passes the best he can. It's part of the acceptance process for the terminally ill. My father did all sorts of things along those lines.

You're looking at a close to two year commitment if you fully agree to what he's asking. The first year of losing a parent too young is brutal. Can you do that? Should you?
How much can you bear? It's going to be near impossible to stay detached when someone you love is in that much grief over losing a family member. The timing is awful as it's likely to coincide with the divorce. A few months either way would make it more bearable for your WW. How much can she take and remain a functional parent?
I see three options:
1. Push forward as planned but give us much support as possible. (See above for the detachment problem).
2. Postpone or stall the D until after he passes (same detachment issue plus unknown timeline as cancer death prognosis are notoriously inaccurate. Eg wife's ex lived six years on a six month one)
3. Give R another chance. That would almost entail accepting the worst of what your fear the WW has done. For that reason I would think thats too much for you to be viable.

That leaves you the choice between pushing on with just more involvement with WW and MIL than expected and dealing with death and divorce together or signing up for an extended period of limbo. Not an easy call.

BTW, I wouldn't feel obligated to sit on this until Sunday with your WW. That's not the sort of information that spouses keep from each other and you are still married. That was very unfair of the FIL to put you in that position.

DanielJK posted 3/26/2021 18:47 PM

I knew this post would get a lot of attention.

I think that's a helluva burden to put on your shoulders. Not much consideration there for what you are experiencing. His daughter betrayed you in the worst possible way and now you're supposed to be the bedrock for his entire family? Maybe he should ask her fuck buddy to help out?

Your MIL and her child(ren?) are adults. If they did a good job with their kid(s?) they can all stand on their own two feet. They shouldn't need you to hold them up. I don't think it's fair to ask.

That said, I don't see why you can't tell him something like "my marriage with your daughter is over. I will do what I can to help your family through this difficult time, but your daughter and I will go through it as a couple in the process of divorce and may or may not be divorced by the time you pass. I wish you well and you can count on me to help, but not as your daughter's husband."

[This message edited by DanielJK at 8:49 PM, March 26th (Friday)]

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