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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Talisman posted 1/24/2021 16:09 PM

Re the question on revenge with regard to the POS's job, I am a vengeful type of guy and so I say destroy the bastard as much as you can!

Marz posted 1/24/2021 16:52 PM

^^^^^^ uh huh.

Tempocontour posted 1/24/2021 17:31 PM

I would notify his new job because he could do it (cheat) again.

MrFlibble posted 1/25/2021 06:40 AM

I decided to do it. Maybe it's my petty side, but I want to do it because I feel like he got off the hook pretty easily. So I send a message to my contact, but she no longer works there.

I explained in short what hapenned and she told me they would be very interested because I doubt he told them why he was fired. She's still friend with her former collegues so she will relay this info. No idea if it can change anything, but at least I fed my vindictive side.

My wife starts a new job next month, so good news today overall.

Bigger posted 1/25/2021 07:16 AM

Are you guys in the States?
I don’t think you risk your anonymity by sharing what state, because I would like to know where the divorce process is so… seamless… and easy.

SI is not only about the individual stories but also for the people that read but don’t post. The “solution” here is unique and if this is really possible in such a painless and simple manner (division of assets, pension, savings, custody etc) then that’s a new interesting twist.

MrFlibble posted 1/25/2021 10:41 AM

Are you guys in the States?
I don’t think you risk your anonymity by sharing what state, because I would like to know where the divorce process is so… seamless… and easy.
SI is not only about the individual stories but also for the people that read but don’t post. The “solution” here is unique and if this is really possible in such a painless and simple manner (division of assets, pension, savings, custody etc) then that’s a new interesting twist.

No, we are not. I said it few days back and maybe a few times in the beginning. We live in Europe. The only prerequisities are deal on division of marital assets and child custody. When this is on paper and signed we are good to go to file and start the process

looks like getting a mortgage will require more work to be honest. According to my lawyer all should be done during one court session, it's basicaly a formality. No statement from either of us, no probing why our marriage ends. Probably the only question judge will ask is if there is no possibility of not divorcing. Simple NO should be enough. It's actually pretty sad. But I guess it's for a better, lenghty and tiring process is not what we need now.

DIFM posted 1/25/2021 12:08 PM

I have posted often over the years that I required D in order to agree to trying R. I do not live in the same place now as I did then, but it was in the US and it was all of three months from beginning to end, based on both parties choosing to divide assets as they both agreed. I now live in FL, in which similarly quick D is possible, again, so long as both parties are in full agreement of the division of assets.

I know this does not apply to all states, but where both parties are in full agreement of the division of assets, without the need for arbitration or court intervention, it can be quicker than many think........again, in some states, and conditional on both parties agreeing.

Of course, if my then WW was not willing to agree to the D conditions I set, then there would still have been a D, that likely would have taken longer, but there would have been no option for R. If she took that route, I saw it as a small price to pay to find out sooner rather than later.

Being legally untethered from that ball and chain of a dead M, was a relief beyond relief. Just to add, we did not live together after the D, until perhaps a year and a half later.

[This message edited by DIFM at 12:10 PM, January 25th, 2021 (Monday)]

newlife03 posted 1/25/2021 12:15 PM

I hope your plan works in your favor no matter the outcome.

I did not R with xWH so I don't know if the "dating" part is a healthy beginning or just a false sense of security with all the feel-good emotions. Hopefully someone in R can address this.

DIFM posted 1/25/2021 12:35 PM

I did not R with xWH so I don't know if the "dating" part is a healthy beginning or just a false sense of security with all the feel-good emotions. Hopefully someone in R can address this.

The good thing about being out of the M, is that if it turns out to be a false sense of security, he will know it and will already be free to walk away from it. From my experience, there were no "feel good" emotions starting the R process, any more than there would have been without the D. You still are dealing with a former spouse that proved they are not safe. The D gives you space to see and experience all of that outside of the legal tether that can feel suffocating.

It doesn't necessarily make it any easier, emotionally, relative to dealing with a known cheater. It reduces the smothering feeling of being tied to a cheater, while testing the waters for how safe they might be.

The knowledge that you can walk away at any time without any forms or lawyers or legal wrangling makes a world of difference in attitude. At least, it did for me.

bounceback67 posted 1/25/2021 12:58 PM

Central Europe has 15 countries with different divorce laws, perhaps narrowing you location may bring more helpful advice 🙄

gr8ful posted 1/25/2021 13:11 PM

Central Europe has 15 countries with different divorce laws, perhaps narrowing you location may bring more helpful advice

Perhaps you’re struggling with reading comprehension? He doesn’t need our legal advice. Bigger couldn’t believe the D process was easy & smooth and so MrF confirmed (again) that he’s not in the US and it’s a very quick process where he is when both parties agree.

I continue to applaud MrF for this move. Just as DIFM said, it places ALL of the burden on the WS to move the necessary mountains if any form of R is even to be considered.

newlife03 posted 1/25/2021 14:20 PM

@DIFM

From my experience, there were no "feel good" emotions starting the R process, any more than there would have been without the D

Thank you for explaining this; I wasn't sure if it felt like the hysterical bonding couples have when they're working on the marriage but still married. That was my fear with Mr.Flibble, not wanting to have him experience HB since it's only temporary.

DIFM posted 1/25/2021 14:46 PM

newlife, there may be some difference between MrF and me in how much time passed between dday and making the D decision and conditions of R. We had a brief HB period not long after dday, but was over before D. I think there was 6 months of typical BS, trickle truth, gaslighting by the time I made the D the only way I would proceed.

MrFlibble posted 1/25/2021 16:58 PM

regarding the divorce, the timeframe I was given was 3-4 months. It's fast, but not lightning fast. And it can be stopped anytime during the process.

I did not R with xWH so I don't know if the "dating" part is a healthy beginning or just a false sense of security with all the feel-good emotions. Hopefully someone in R can address this
.
My therapist said today that it's not the best idea and we should separate and have limited contact for at least 3 months. It could help us find out what we want. Maybe this is a bad idea but I want to give it a try anyway.

The knowledge that you can walk away at any time without any forms or lawyers or legal wrangling makes a world of difference in attitude. At least, it did for me.

It does, but we have two small children. So I guess we can't have a clean splin even if we wanted to. But you are right, legally we will be separated with clear custody agreement. I think that's a foundation we can built on

Central Europe has 15 countries with different divorce laws, perhaps narrowing you location may bring more helpful advice

Don't think it would help anything. I am not here for legal advice, I have my attorney for that.

As for a hysterical bonding.. you probably might call it that. We slept together few times in the last few days and honestly, it's been great. We never had any troubles in this part of our marriage apart from obious troubles with giving birth and all that.

I got upset this morning over work and started yelling at people and I guess my wife heard and it ended with the most enthusiastic BJ I ever had. Maybe I should stress more.

We spoke later and I told her (again) that we should probably stop doing this and she told me she did it because she wanted to and there is no hidden agenda behind it. Still not sure tho, but it feels nice to be wanted. The mind movies are still there, it's worst in the mornings, but I found out that having her next to me surprisingly helps. It was the opposite few weeks back which is a little bit confusing, but what the hell. I have been consiously working on that with some help from my therapist so I hope it means it helped.

MrFlibble posted 1/25/2021 17:00 PM

Wow, sorry for TMI but I had a bottle of wine and I tend to be a little chatty when drunk.

I will come back in few days but for now I order myself a small SI detox. So see you soon

grubs posted 1/25/2021 20:27 PM

The step back lets the emotions subside a bit. It's likely raw for both of you. There's no right answer here anyway. While there's some patterns, everyone's best path through is a little different. It's best to work that out with your IC not us internet people or the WS. Only you knows what's going on in your head and what'll work..

Buffer posted 1/26/2021 01:29 AM

Respect ✊
One day at a time.

DIFM posted 1/26/2021 05:28 AM

It does, but we have two small children. So I guess we can't have a clean splin even if we wanted to.

MrF, we had two very small children as well. It didn't change anything more than legal separation would have. It is very, very easy to get married. When we decided to, we went to the court house and paid $45 and that was it.

D does not make anything harder than legal separation would. It can make some very important potential later traumas, not happen. You will have to decide what is best for you in your circumstance.

And for what it's worth, do not let the sex or HB get a hold of you emotionally. It happens to almost everyone. Stay focused on the serious broken nature of your WW and what she needs to do and show, over time, that will make her safe.

Sharkman posted 1/26/2021 10:15 AM

Don't worry about any kind of moral burden with ending the marriage. She already unilaterally decided to do that. That you even need to take the time to sign a paper to acknowledge that is unfair to you.

MrFlibble posted 1/26/2021 14:35 PM

I didn't want to come here for few days but I just need to vent.

We just had a huge fight and it was nasty. We had been both frustrated today (me from my job, her from kids that are sick) and I guess we took it out on each other. It started with her telling me I could be more of a help (I could) and no idea how we got there but I again accused her of sleeping with him given more time and opportunities to meet) and she called me an asshole. So I guess I am sleeping in guest room tonight.

Don't expect any advice or anything, just want to let you know that not everything is so great on a homefront. I should apologize to her, I was an asshole.

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