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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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sleepylove posted 1/22/2021 05:02 AM

Duplicate

[This message edited by sleepylove at 5:03 AM, January 22nd (Friday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 1/22/2021 07:37 AM

I have to agree with sleepylove, on that one particular item. I'm glad you and your WW have come to an agreement and have a plan to move forward.

My only advice to you is that you take some time for YOURSELF. 3 months, 6 months, however long you need to heal. At that time, if you want to start seeing your STBXWW again, go for it. Right now, you are still dealing with the trauma and emotions of the A, and soon, D.

You know yourself best, and I expect you will make the decision you think works best for you. If you feel confident it is the best way to go, so be it. I suggest you don't rush yourself in ANY direction.

Stevesn posted 1/22/2021 08:56 AM

MrF

It sounds like a good plan. I wish you both well with it.

Only thing I would add is the work she absolutely needs to do in order to become a safe partner again. To me that means working on boundaries and understanding of how her actions affect others, especially her partner and children.

Reading “Not Just friends” should be hi on that list of work. And her efforts in IC should include this topic as well.

This will be necessary whether you end up together or not.

Best of luck to you both as you navigate these rough waters.

faithfulman posted 1/22/2021 10:35 AM

I like your plan, although if you aren't able to find someone else if you want to, basically it's a separation. I am not saying you want to see what's out there, or that you should if you are still "dating", but your wife already availed herself of that option without telling you.

You should have your options too, whether or not you want to explore them. While your wife/ex-wife does not have that option if she wants the possibility of getting back together with you.

Is it fair? Some might say no. I think it is fair. What is unfair was when she decided to play around with Mr. Super Cheater.

5) Honesty, even if it hurts. No lies or pretending either.

I am not sure how you plan to enforce that. Good luck with that one.

Only thing I would add is the work she absolutely needs to do in order to become a safe partner again. To me that means working on boundaries and understanding of how her actions affect others, especially her partner and children.

Yes. And to me, the beginning of that is her telling THE WHOLE TRUTH - which I think she will take to her grave if you don't force it out of her.

Again, good luck. Overall I think you have taken decisive action.

grubs posted 1/22/2021 12:05 PM

One condition I didn't see is she needs to identify what is broken in her that allowed her to go down the path to destroy her marriage. Healthy people in her situation do not do what she did. She needs to repair what was broken or at least compensate for it.

Even if you never reconcile, you want her to be the best healthy mother possible for your children. You knowing the trigger and steps she is taking to deal with it will also help in any decision about future reconciliation. Or even just co-parenting for the remainder of your lives.
FWIW The fact that the MIL was borderline abusive post Dday lines up with some other WWs tales. I'd make sure the IC knows about that incident.

thatbpguy posted 1/22/2021 12:09 PM

I'm glad you worked out an agreement and that R is not off the table. I wish you the very best.

Buster123 posted 1/22/2021 13:10 PM

I think it's a good plan, you have basically demoted her to be your girlfriend, and though not very common, I have certainly "seen" stories where the M had to be dissolved since it was killed by the A in order to allow for the possibility of R and of course with no guarantees.

Keep posting from time to time, and let us know how it's going, it may encourage others to follow your approach. What I like about it is that you're protecting yourself financially and enforcing real consequences for her huge betrayal, this is not like a post-nup where a judge could have the discretion to enforce or not, assets/liabilities will be divided and custody agreed upon.

I disagree that this type of deal is abusive, after all she could still date anyone, but of course if you find out she knows she won't expect to be your GF anymore, just like any other BF/GF relationship, you do what's best for you, these are your conditions, she's free to accept them or not.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:05 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

ramius posted 1/22/2021 15:16 PM

Solid approach. Best wishes. I hope it works out well for you, no matter where you end up.

ChamomileTea posted 1/22/2021 15:51 PM

Sometimes it's not easy to not hate my wife.

I'm not convinced you don't.

DIFM posted 1/22/2021 20:31 PM

My previous post to MrF below:

I have specific experience relative to what you stated here. I made D a condition of attempting R. In other words, I said if there is no D there will not be any future "US" in any way.

My fWW wanted R option enough to agree to 100% of my dictating the conditions of D, relative to the legal aspects. Since she came through on turning over to me all conditions for oi new. We did subsequently re-mary.

MrF, it makes perfect sense to me. It liberated me from the dead M and allowed me to take time and make decisions without the weight of the M that she had killed. I did not have to rebuild something dead, we were able to create something new.

Good for you and another example for others that consider it as an option.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/22/2021 22:13 PM

Keep moving in the direction you've set out MrFlibble. You've laid out a good plan. I wish the best for you.

Talisman posted 1/23/2021 08:25 AM

Mr Flibble - out of curiosity, what country are you guys from (I am assuming you and your wife are from the same country)?

gr8ful posted 1/23/2021 11:38 AM

Honestly this seems kind of cruel.

Cruel?? The only cruelty in this situation is what his STBGF did. It’s called CONSEQUENCES and I think she realizes that this is the only way she has any shot at R with MrF. Demoting her to GF is entirely appropriate and puts the onus on HER to do all the work of restoration. I applaud your strong actions MrF while simultaneously keeping open at least the possibility of eventual R, in some form, IF she completely pulls her weight and changes herself.

sleepylove posted 1/23/2021 11:47 AM

I guess I just don’t see the point of dating while you are divorcing. File and separate. Get some time to yourself and see how it feels to be apart.
If she really wants to win you back she will wait to see if it happens. In the meantime you have a chance to experience life without her.

faithfulman posted 1/23/2021 19:03 PM

I guess I just don’t see the point of dating while you are divorcing.

So when she fucks up again or he eventually learns the whole truth, he doesn't have to pull the plug, the plug is already pulled.

DIFM posted 1/23/2021 19:58 PM

So if she fucks up again or he eventually learns the hole truth, he doesn't have to pull the plug, the plug is already pulled.

Exactly the reason for me. Got out of the potential hell of a future D, while the WS was 100% amenable to me defining the terms. Then was totally free to be all in and unencombered by what could happen if the WS ends up not doing the work and fights about D details later.

D does NOT mean a future is not possible. It takes the pressures, legal and otherwise, of still being in the dead M out of the equation.

It was very liberating to be legally detached. During the R testing process.

[This message edited by DIFM at 8:00 PM, January 23rd, 2021 (Saturday)]

MrFlibble posted 1/24/2021 13:56 PM

sleepylove, I don't see it as a cruelty in any way. Those terms were talked about and agreed upon on both sides. My wife wants to stay together and I want that too, to be honest, but there are some steps that need to be taken if we want to move forward. We spoke a lot about our "old" marriage and it's hidden problems and all that. I made sure she knows and understands why this is important to me and she's on board. I asked her straight if she is sure she want to do it and she told me she doesn't care what our status or what you want to call it is, what matters is that I am not cutting her out even though I would be fully in my right to do so (her words). So no, I am not cruel towards her in any way.

My only advice to you is that you take some time for YOURSELF. 3 months, 6 months, however long you need to heal. At that time, if you want to start seeing your STBXWW again, go for it. Right now, you are still dealing with the trauma and emotions of the A, and soon, D.

You know yourself best, and I expect you will make the decision you think works best for you. If you feel confident it is the best way to go, so be it. I suggest you don't rush yourself in ANY direction.

I already am taking a lot of time for myself. I have never before spent so much time alone. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Maybe hate it a little more, but I guess it's expected since we got together pretty young and all. We plan on seeing each other (alone) once a week. Other that that, who knows.

We are not rushing anywhere. Yes, the divorce papers are signed and all we have to do is put them in an envelope and put them in a mail but we will get there when we get there.


Only thing I would add is the work she absolutely needs to do in order to become a safe partner again. To me that means working on boundaries and understanding of how her actions affect others, especially her partner and children.

Reading “Not Just friends” should be hi on that list of work. And her efforts in IC should include this topic as well.

This will be necessary whether you end up together or not.

She's already working on that. But I am not sure she will ever know the WHY. There were probably many little reasons which when met with kind of person SH is led to all this mess. But we will see.


I like your plan, although if you aren't able to find someone else if you want to, basically it's a separation. I am not saying you want to see what's out there, or that you should if you are still "dating", but your wife already availed herself of that option without telling you.
You should have your options too, whether or not you want to explore them. While your wife/ex-wife does not have that option if she wants the possibility of getting back together with you.

Is it fair? Some might say no. I think it is fair. What is unfair was when she decided to play around with Mr. Super Cheater.

Any kind of look for what's there won't happen. We both are pretty focused on us now. That was actually one of my first question I asked her - Do you want out? The answer is still hard no.

5) Honesty, even if it hurts. No lies or pretending either.
I am not sure how you plan to enforce that. Good luck with that one.

I am not enforcing anything. Later she told me she lied because she wanted to protect me. It's stupid and damaging concept. To hell with it.

Yes. And to me, the beginning of that is her telling THE WHOLE TRUTH - which I think she will take to her grave if you don't force it out of her.

You mean I don't know the whole truth now? That she's still lying either directly or by omission?

The fact that the MIL was borderline abusive post Dday lines up with some other WWs tales. I'd make sure the IC knows about that incident.

She already knows. But it was an interesting to see her this way. I have known she is very no-nonsence lady, but I always thought they had a great relationship. But I guess I didn't know them as good as I thought.

Sometimes it's not easy to not hate my wife.
I'm not convinced you don't.

Do I hate what she did? Absolutely. But do I hate her? Absolutely not. There was some hate at the beginning, but that pretty fast turned into a deep feeling of disappointment. Whis is million times worse.

MrF, it makes perfect sense to me. It liberated me from the dead M and allowed me to take time and make decisions without the weight of the M that she had killed. I did not have to rebuild something dead, we were able to create something new.

Exactly my thought process.

Mr Flibble - out of curiosity, what country are you guys from (I am assuming you and your wife are from the same country)?

Central Europe and yes, we are both from the same county. Won't be more specific than that. Take it or leave it

And a question to wrap this up.

I have a slight chance of ruining SH's new job offer. I know where he starts next month (lol for the way how I got this info) and since I have worked for many banks and corporations in our common field I know a lot of people there. The only downfall of this is the fact that he won't know it was me because it might get some people in trouble. So.. secret revenge, yay or nay?

Buster123 posted 1/24/2021 14:20 PM

Yes, the divorce papers are signed and all we have to do is put them in an envelope and put them in a mail but we will get there when we get there.
I suggest you mail them and officially D, that way the "old M" is officially terminated and she's demoted to GF (real legal consequences for her huge betrayal), filing now also prevents her from changing her mind in the future about the D terms (remember she's now a proven cheater and liar), then after a few years and once you know she's worked on herself and that R is successful, you can always re-marry in the future if you want to or simply live together without being married.

grubs posted 1/24/2021 15:16 PM

I have a slight chance of ruining SH's new job offer. I know where he starts next month (lol for the way how I got this info) and since I have worked for many banks and corporations in our common field I know a lot of people there. The only downfall of this is the fact that he won't know it was me because it might get some people in trouble. So.. secret revenge, yay or nay?

Personally I think facilitating a karma smackdown isn't necessarily a bad thing. Especially if doesn't spray onto others. If I was therapist id like to poke into your rationale a bit. Is it just anger at what he did to you and your family. Your WW is the patry that you had a relationship with. Defending your WW's honor a bit? Would you want to do this if the WW was just a friend? If WW was someone you didn't know? No wrong answers there just defining what's going on in your head.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:19 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

oldtruck posted 1/24/2021 15:35 PM

get him to lose the the job is great news.

better for him to not know who pulled the strings. this way if
possible you can keep on messing with his career forcing him
into a new one that hopefully de a downgrade in income.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 6:44 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

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