Newest Member: Lilident

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 5:01 PM on Monday, April 12th, 2021

CM70,

Have you been seeing an IC to address the trauma of your wife's infidelity? It's great you're exercising, but you also need to take care of your mental health.

Why did your wife switch ICs? I thought the previous IC was holding her accountable.

Has your wife shown remorse yet (rather than regret)? Sounds like she has a myriad of issues, so this may take some time. Not sure how much patience you may have but if you still want to reconcile, you're probably looking at a couple years of therapy (at a minimum).

Good luck to you.

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8649920
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 9:03 PM on Monday, April 12th, 2021

Yes I have been to about five sessions with my own IC. It has been helpful to vent my frustration & anger with what my wife did to our marriage & family. Yes she was going to another IC but my wife felt that she was kind of spinning her wheels with her and not seeing the results she wanted to get out of this mess she put us in. Obviously it's all on my WW to show me that she is in this 100% and truly remorseful and that is where she is trying to get.

I have seen much more emotion & real regret out of my WW as of late because she knows I am burned out and tired of hearing I need more time. I think she is finally coming around to figure out that she has real issues, even though she had denied this in the past & blamed me for her personal happiness. When your own Mother tells you need real help & you are in a middle of breakdown it is finally hitting home. Her family is not in her corner & that really threw her for a loop that they didn't believe her narrative about me. That's where I am at just another day, but I am a much better place mentally then I was a couple months ago.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8650006
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 9:21 PM on Monday, April 12th, 2021

CM70,

I'm glad to hear you're taking care of yourself both physically and mentally.

You also made a great call early on to inform the family of the infidelity - sounds like they've been invaluable in destroying the fantasy world your wife was living in. That should accelerate her recovery.

Keep you chin up. You're doing a great job!

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8650014
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:42 PM on Monday, April 12th, 2021

Great to hear you’ve been validated and supported by her family.

I am hoping she gets her head out of the sand soon.

My H tried that crap with me too. He told me I never loved him and married him for other reasons. I was outraged he would say such a thing!!!

But it came back to haunt him when he suddenly wanted to reconcile. I kept saying all the horrible things he said to me right back at him. How “I didn’t love him” and “ I didn’t support him” and my favorite “ILYBNILWY “. I kept asking why do you want to reconcile if you are not in love with me?

I held his hands to the fire and I’m sure he regrets everything he ever said as an excuse to justify his affair. It came back to bite him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10512   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8650038
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 8:47 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

CM

How’s it going? Have you been able to find a way out of limbo?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8656935
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 9:18 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

Stevesn, well I would love to say yes but we are still in limbo. We have would I call the State of the Union of our relationship discussion last night. The WW has been home the majority of the time and not going out with the friends that have caused troubles in the past. Her IC came up with an exercise to tell each other what you would want your ideal partner's traits to be. She went last week, and the majority of her items dealt with letting her be herself, listening, making her laugh, etc. It was my turn last night and my items were someone I can trust that has my back, someone who loves me for who I am, someone who is spontaneous, & someone who has a strong sex drive. She than asked me if she was any of those things and I point blank said no.

We have been trying, spending more time together going on dates etc. but she is still aloof. I told her this is not working and I asked her if she has considered what her life would look like if we divorce? Seeing the kids 50% of the time, not having my income to support her spending habits, having to rent/buy a much smaller house. She just cries and says I know it would be horrible to lose you. (I am thinking you mean horrible to lose my wallet)

I have a buddy going through this as well, and he said the only way to maybe shock her into reality is just file. Which I know some were advocating for months ago. So here I am....

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8657275
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DanielJK ( Member #75654) posted at 9:22 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

File.

That's it, that's my post.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8657278
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 9:41 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

CM70,

You said

Her IC came up with an exercise to tell each other what you would want your ideal partner's traits to be. She went last week, and the majority of her items dealt with letting her be herself, listening, making her laugh, etc.

What does "letting her be herself" even mean? Do you agree with anything she said OR is she completely out to lunch?

You also said

It was my turn last night and my items were someone I can trust that has my back, someone who loves me for who I am, someone who is spontaneous, & someone who has a strong sex drive. She than asked me if she was any of those things and I point blank said no.

How did she react to you saying "No". That must have been brutal.

Lastly, you wrote

We have been trying, spending more time together going on dates etc. but she is still aloof.

When did this aloofness start? Why do you think she's reacting like that?

None of what she is currently saying backs up the claim that

it would be horrible to lose you.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's just concerned about her lifestyle.

If you did file for D for shock value, what would you expect her to do that she hasn't already been doing OR should be doing?

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8657290
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 9:44 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

She went last week, and the majority of her items dealt with letting her be herself,

I know this exercise is supposed to help you connect, but doesn’t she realize that her being herself is what landed y’all here? Could have said something like someone who supports the changes she’s striving for or something that sounds less centered on who she’s been in the recent past. Maybe I’m being unfair, I didn’t hear what the counselor said to the two of you, but I think I liked the other IC better.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 3:47 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8657292
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Txquail ( Member #62946) posted at 9:47 PM on Thursday, May 6th, 2021

The ultimate "snap out of the fog event" is having your Cheating Wife served with divorce papers. It becomes REAL for them only at that point.

File already.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8657294
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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 4:21 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

Reality would hit her VERY quickly once she answers the door, confirms her name, is handed an envelope, and hears the words, “you’ve been served.”

Seems to me that you have been playing her “poor me” game far too long!!!

Is this really the life you want to live? It sure doesn’t sound like a good life to me.

Even if she loves you, which I’m not sure she does, or it’s definition isn’t one that I would agree with, do you think that she actually respects you?????

I think you are correct in that you are just a friend with an open wallet for her.

Do what you need to do in order to look the man in the mirror directly in the eye. Never allow your wife to disrespect you or be her Plan B!!!!

Good luck, be strong, and do what you know you must.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 10:22 AM, May 7th (Friday)]

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8657610
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 5:48 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

CM,

I feel for you, friend.

From what I get, it's like your wife is trying to be a good wife, but the emotions/intimacy is not there. It's like they vanished with her affair, and she is desperately trying to obtain something that now seems foreign to her. She KNOWS that you are a good guy, and she KNOWS that she should stay in the marriage, but it is not coming naturally to her.....it's like she is trying to force herself.

Don't get me wrong--she created this disaster, and it has left both of you sifting through the rubble. Now that some time has elapsed, you slide into this limbo, or Plain of Flatness, and it just slowly drains you emotionally. I wish I had some answer, or direction to point you in, but you seem to be very aware of your situation, and I'm sure you will know when it is time to make some sort of move. For both you and your wife's sake, I hope that she finds what she is searching for. I believe that it is the path back to you, but that's just my guess. Only she knows what's going on inside her head....and I'll bet that SHE is even struggling with that.

Good luck.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3816   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8657670
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

he said the only way to maybe shock her into reality is just file.

This is horrible advice. Divorce is a serious step and you should never file it as a gambit to try to induce her to do something different. You don't point a gun at something unless you plan to shoot it. You file a divorce because you want to be divorced.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8657682
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 7:24 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

From your last post, it sounds like your WW is into the trappings of your marriage, but not necessarily you. Is that what she is telling you? I think it is literally impossible to push someone into having feelings for another person. If the two of you are not having sex and sharing the same bedroom, it may be time to informally start separating finances. It may be time to discuss some type of property settlement, separate living arrangements, and child custody provisions if the two of you can't stay together. Your wife sounds very unhappy and there is nothing you can really do about it. It is past the time for you to protect yourself. That is what I am getting out of your posts. Do you want to give it more time? Fine, but do you think the two of you can go on this way much longer in this weird limbo? Don't let it become the new normal. She will eventually have a nervous breakdown or cheat big time. That is what I am getting out of your posts.

Finally, while filing for divorce might shock your wife into reality, again, you can't force someone to develop or rekindle feelings for another out of fear. There is plenty of that in her life right now and it doesn't seem to be working. But, from what I have read, you will not be playing around if you take that step. Hopefully, a year from now you will be on your way to healing regardless of the outcome. There is also no rule against reconciling after divorce. It happens.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:40 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8657712
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:30 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

She just cries and says I know it would be horrible to lose you. (I am thinking you mean horrible to lose my wallet)

Trust your gut. You're probably right.

As far as filing for D, only if you feel prepared and want it. As others have said, it's not a ploy. It's a serious life-changing decision (could certainly be life-changing for the better as many here on SI can attest). That's why I haven't filed though. Not ready. Don't feel prepared. So don't do it as a manipulative gambit.

But it doesn't sound like you have a wayward spouse who really gets it and has remorse. There's a thing called "naugahyde remorse." Look it up.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4216   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8657717
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 8:08 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

Does “letting her be herself” mean letting her have extramarital relationships? Or what did she mean by it.

Has she had contact with the AP? How does she view him now? Do you think she still pines away for him?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:09 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8657728
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 11:17 PM on Friday, May 7th, 2021

She went last week, and the majority of her items dealt with letting her be herself, listening, making her laugh, etc. It was my turn last night and my items were someone I can trust that has my back, someone who loves me for who I am, someone who is spontaneous, & someone who has a strong sex drive. She than asked me if she was any of those things and I point blank said no.

Taking the above quote from you CM70, it doesn't read and feel like your wife is Emotionally connected with you. Those things that she's said would be her ideal partner, shows that there is a loss of connection. Do you think she'll be able to get that back, and how long are you willing to wait for her to get those things back for you two to be and feel connected again.

As for your side, it comes down to you've lost trust and there is also a loss in connection (sex drive + trust + spontaneity), all things that would make a marriage work.

Do you see being able to build on those things? You;re having to rebuild trust after infidelity and now you're adding marriage/connection problems. Is she still working with IC on her own outside of this to figure out her cheating?

This seems like a long road ahead for the both of you. Only you can decide if its worth it or not.

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8657781
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 1:40 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

Her IC came up with an exercise to tell each other what you would want your ideal partner's traits to be.

If I recall you captured a VAR convo where she told someone she flat wasn't attracted to you and was very attracted to her AP (who sounds like a very unattractive guy, which is usually the case, but there's no accounting for bad taste among WW's).

Anyway, has that changed at all? Really?

You can't negotiate attraction. You wanna wait around for her finally have some magical epiphany one day and get the tingles for you again?

And it's really less about what she can manufacture in her own head, and much more about what you want. I can tell you for damn sure just from reading your posts that you are a standup guy who doesn't deserve to be shackled to a perimenopausal harridan.

let's say she figures this all out in about, oh, I don't know, ten years and then realizes with horror all the damage she's done. You wanna sit and stew through that shit show?

You said you wanted a vivacious woman who is attracted to you and enjoys sex with you.

You should because that's what every man wants and what every faithful man deserves.

Is that same woman your wife -- the person who spent how many countless hours deceiving you, badmouthing you and getting it on with another guy in a parked car?

Here's the thing: You have a Janus for a WW. The things she said that you captured on VAR, those are real thoughts she never thought you'd learn about.

Those thoughts included contempt for you, lust for him, lack of affection for you, a willingness to gaslight you with fake affection the same night she was badmouthing you, etc.

How long would this affair have continued had you not exposed it?

That's the person you're married to, brother. That's her.

And lastly, how many times have you had to prompt her, take her to the brink, to get her to do anything? Has she been proactive, really proactive, on anything?

It seems to me looking in from the outside that you're dealing with a woman who doesn't really get how toxic her betrayal has been. I mean, like down in her bones. She's unable to step outside of her comfort zone to give voice to your pain. And mostly, it seems to be about her, about her pain, about her fantasyland, about her needs, about the false narratives she told herself about her life in order to make it okay hurt you and betray you.

Now, look, I'm one to talk: I'm still limping along in limbo with my WW. She failed a polygraph one year ago.

But do you really want to be me, three years from now?

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:42 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4216   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8657806
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:06 AM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

I asked her if she has considered what her life would look like if we divorce? Seeing the kids 50% of the time, not having my income to support her spending habits, having to rent/buy a much smaller house. She just cries and says I know it would be horrible to lose you. (I am thinking you mean horrible to lose my wallet)

Trying to manipulate her to be what you want won’t get you much long term.

You know the answer here.

Have you considered what your life would be like without dragging this 600 lb boat anchor around behind you?

[This message edited by Marz at 9:10 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8657814
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Tamers1955 ( New Member #52802) posted at 2:43 PM on Saturday, May 8th, 2021

Cm70 Read through your whole thread today and I'm really sorry for what she has done to you.

The thing I wouldn't have been able to settle on ,was about the texts having been so bad,that if you were able to recover them you would have left her,what do you think that they were.

I think I may have inadvertently let the cat out of the bag that you know what she had said .

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2016   ·   location: Uk
id 8657854
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